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So, I’m back… Sorta lol. I never really left just haven’t had the time to keep up with a blog. I’ve had multitudes of items running through my head but only put a few down into words.



I’ve got this feeling right now, emotion, terror, fear, loath.. I’m not sure what it is, maybe a combination of them all. I feel like something is going to happen, something big… something that is going to affect me really bad. I’m not sure if its something to do with my life as it is.. or something that has no effect on my life now, but will cause such an up-roar in the future. I’m scared to a sense, I’m tired. I don’t know what to do about it, it worries me, makes me cling to those things I need the most and that could cause problems. I want to be selfish when I get like this and not relinquish my hold over anything that I own in fear of loosing it.



I’m tired and scared of one of the stupidest things in the world. Of course this has nothing to do with the above, or at least not as far as I know… I’m scared of making a mistake, putting one foot out too far and tripping. I’m scared of loosing it all with one fatal blow. I’m scared I’ve already started something that would make me loose it all because of one wrong move. Its like I’m on a chess board, I should be capable of possiblying out the other persons action is going to be, but I can’t see it anymore. I’m a pawn being pushed and pulled around the board by myself, a board I can’t see and can’t feel. Every time I do something that sets someone off, every time I do something that hurts someone… it kills me to the core. I’m so scared of finalizing it all with just being stupid in my actions. I do things I don’t mean to do, fuck with things I shouldn’t and try to loom myself over others and make them do things they don’t do. I’m scared of loosing it all because of my actions…



Doesn’t help I’m tireing out as well. I’m tired of constantly fighting for everything I’ve ever had only to not have it. Its gone, never there because I can’t seem to ge tit. As much sense as that made I know. I’m tired of it all, I can’t keep up with it, can’t get above it and can’t move on. Things from my past come back to make matters worst, and then when I try to plan for the future, everything fails. I’m so tired of it all, so tired that I’m just ready to quit it. Stop with the constant loosing, stop with everything. I want to, god how I want to, but I can’t for one good reason. Someone won’t let me. I’m glad in a way but feel like I’m not meeting their expectations. I feel like I’m not being the person I could be for them. I’m just… I don’t know. If it weren’t for them, I would have given up along time ago.



What a lot of people don’t understand is that in a way, I’m only here because of one reason. If I hadn’t gotten out of Texas, I’m not sure what I would have done. I was in such a state of depression that a lot of people don’t understand because I never told them. I fucked up a lot in those nights I was alone, never telling anyone about them never telling at all. I was so tired of it all, ready to end it until I had the chance to get out, get away from it all. I’m not saying I don’t love Texas, lord knows I miss it so much and would love to be back there amongst my family. But I’m here, and I refuse to leave without the One. I can’t explain it, without them I wouldn’t be here, without them… I would have not survived. What I never told anyone but Them… No one.. was that there were times when I wondered how I could get away with it without my grandmother finding out. Without her being the one to find me. I wasn’t the person I used to be when I was there. I’m not even sure I’m the person I used to be now that I am up here. But I am the person I am becoming and that’s all that matters right now. I’m not sure why I’m saying this all now, I guess because I just felt like it had to be out of my system or something along those lines. Who knows, But still. Either way, I think this update was needed more-so for myself not others. I write because I have to get it out of my mind, because when I write about it, I forget about it. And then I don’t have to worry about it in the end.

God, memories last night. I’ll tell ya that much. I talked to someone I’ve not talked to in years and she had good reason to not talk to me. I fucked up, I really fucked up or feel like I fucked up in that relationship. Me and her were best friends until I went and did something a best friend should never have done. I don’t want to go into details, its very painful to just think about it. But she contacted me and told me she had long forgiven me, I had to tell her that I’d more than likely never forgive myself about it. We had a long talk, about 2 hours in length, she used to be part of this site but can’t remember her password to get back into it. I miss her terribly, she’s down in Texas and we could be getting along and hanging out now. Don’t get me wrong, I love being up here with my man, I love him to death. I just miss what I once had. As the saying goes, you never knew what you had till you’ve lost it.