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So here we are....the last day....last few hours of 2014. I cannot say that I am sorry to see it go....



I find that I am losing myself more and more these days....I no longer know my purpose... my place. I have turned down so many invitations that they no longer come in any great frequency. This is probably for the best....as I simply cannot stand most people any more. Everyone is out for something...usually money...and I am just tired of playing the game. Tired of trying to discern the real motives behind the smiles and the polite chatter. I am far too old to play these politics anymore



I wish that there was someone to talk to ....really talk to ...like in the old days. I suppose I can't really complain anymore as I did this to myself - withdrawing the way I did. This space...this small grouping of code and pixels still remains the only place that I feel I can be honest. I do so wish that it was a real place...... I admire those vapid women who truly have no idea what is going on. The women who let their husbands manage everything...who have no idea about the perils of politics....the state of the environment.... the horrors of the world. The women who only worry about their children and their husbands...and lovers....and have no idea where the checkbook is even kept. Of course I say this now...in this melancholy state - I know that a life like this would probably drive me crazy. But still.........



I have traveled less this year....and I find that this suits me. Funny how hard I used to work and save so that I could travel the world.....and now...I swear if I never see another dish of airline food again it will be too soon. Of course fate is not without a sense of irony…..my dearest cousin is to give birth soon....within the next few days ... so off I go back to NY again. I was hoping to be able to go in and out in a day but that is just not going to be possible. I hope that I can get things seen to in less than 2 weeks.....



I think I have lost much this year....not in trinkets or money ...but in the things that truly matter....friendship, loyalty and love. Again, I really have no right to complain, but still.... it seems that I miss it much more than I thought that I would. While opportunities present themselves I find that I am just too tired….too….lost.



2015 is going to bring the about the facing of facts that I have long ignored. My health being the top of this list. Things must be done...and there is just no more putting them off. I can no longer operate under the motto of "out of sight out of mind". I am going to try and be brave – for my little one – but the facts are the facts and it is probably best to make sure that all things are in order…..



Enough quibbing. I am going to bed – crossing fingers that 2015 turns out to have some pleasant surprises.



Happy New Year everyone – I wish you all nothing but peace, happiness and love.

COMMENTS

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ThothLestat
04:46 Jan 04 2015

Happy new year, Neddie!

Wishing you all the best!

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