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When I joined VR my life was in a dark place. No real need to get into details - we all have rough patches.....but just know that things were not going well.



Shortly after joining someone who I loved very very much, who had been kept away from me, chose to end his own life. To say I was devastated would be the grossest of understatements.



I was (still to a degree am) infuriated with him. Even today - 4 years later - I still cannot walk by his picture and not feel some measurement of emotion....anger, sadness, love, disappointment.....



A few moths after he passed his family set up a memorial page on Facebook - a private group that you had to ask to be a part of ....until about a week ago I could not even bring myself to ask to be allowed to join. Once granted access I looked at the news feed and just crumpled to the floor...sobbing... I can't ....I just can't look yet.



I know that there are those in my circles of friends and acquaintances that have said nasty things about the fact that I did not join the group, that I do not post on the feed, that I did not get the same memorial tattoo that the rest of them got....they believe me to be cold and uncaring and think that I did not / do not care and that I just go on about my life.



The truth is.....and I really can only say this here....is that I loved him more than any of them...I knew him better....we shared things that I have never, and will never share with any other man on this planet. He was the other half of my soul...my heart. They were not there the first time that he attempted to take his own life...I was. They did not have to call the police to have him brought to a mental health facility, they did not stay on the phone with him night after night because he was so afraid to fall asleep....and that the only way he could was to listen to my breathing on the other end of the line. They were not the ones that made the decision to live with him to help keep him sane....who watched him put the most machismo of fronts through out the day and then hold him as he shook with fear and loathing at night.



And finally .... when the end did come....they were not there to clean out his apartment....to look at the place where he ended it.



We were estranged for a reason that I could not help.... I could not be what he wanted me to be, and although he told me that he accepted this, and I promised that nothing would change......neither thing was true. When the time finally came for me to leave his home I sent him off with all my love and an understanding that he could always call me, always come by and I would always listen and be there..... but some things cannot be helped



We are about to enter the true season of Samhain....this was his favorite time of the year. The costumes, the holiday, the promise of a new year full of new hopes and dreams. I cannot help but think of him every day, how he only met my daughter once.....how much I miss him. But most of all I mourn the fact that I cannot post this on that Facebook page - many did not know and even fewer would understand. They post their "miss you" "had a dream about you" and the "thanks for looking out for me today" statements...that I can only assume make them feel closer to him and help his family to see that he was loved.



I can't. And that my fellow ravers.....that is something that hurts so much....so I write it here...and I hope that, wherever / whenever, he is he knows how much I truly miss him and that I do not mean to have anger in my heart or that I am only disappointed in myself for not being there, not knowing, not seeing that the pain was so great that he could not take it anymore. I hope he knows that I miss him...and that I will always love him.

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imagesinwords
17:41 Sep 29 2013

I understand what you mean. My sister and grandmother were murdered in 1996. It's challenging dealing with people who act like their mourning the 'right way' as opposed to others... others who counted for more in the person's life and vice versa.



There is no time scale for recovery with something like that.

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Nedra
21:50 Sep 29 2013

Thanks Images.....and I am sorry for your loss. They say that time heals all wounds but they never tell you how much time....

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Theban
17:40 Oct 02 2013

Hugs

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........sitting with a nice cup of coffee thinking about the day.



Promised my little one that we would go and look for Halloween costumes today. That is always fun...



Think that I will also decorate the house today...have a guest with me that can do the heavy lifting .... so ...um....I am going to take him up on it.





........getting the boxes out of the basement. Get your mind out of the gutter



lol

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Theban
01:15 Sep 29 2013

Dam...ok, ok, my mind was in the gutter.



Hope it was a great time ;)

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Nedra
16:24 Sep 29 2013

LOL



I specifically wrote this comment with you in mind!!!



Love you Theban!!!

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Have you ever done or said something that you thought could never be taken back? That is how I spent my entire weekend. Frustration led to anger, anger led to yelling and then the words were out there.....



So today I did the right thing and blew off work to set things right. Not completely better but on the mend...

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Theban
13:16 Sep 24 2013

I have spoken unimaginable obscenity's to people I care for, and people I don't care for, when I am in my manic angry state. Which doesn't happen that often anymore lol. Most of the time I wish I could find a rewind button though other times it's best out than rusting inside. I hope all is well now.

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Nedra
19:41 Sep 27 2013

It is getting there - thanks lovie!

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I am back from my vacation at Disney....we had a BLAST. It was so amazing to see my little girl doing all the things I did at her age. We even tried to re-create some old pictures.



Best part is that we went with my cousins, the same that I went with as a little girl, and their kids. Best. Time. Ever.



Now it is back to real life (boo!)

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Theban
13:10 Sep 24 2013

Glad you had a great time.

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