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I am going nuts, I have to hear help me, dont help me, help me, dont help me. One minute alls well, the next anger rises to the boiling point. then nothing but silence. Hole crap,no wonder my mind is like jelly.

Once again the day begins, a clear slate, no thoughts of the past only of where I am wanting to go.......Yet it was another sleepless night with thoughts of her, questions of why.......but no one shall know, for she says she doesnt either.......How to deal with the workings of anothers mind......Can you tell me ?

I was awaken by a dream that seemed to real. It was not of my liking. I was haunted by a vision of what is to come and it felt like a dagger that has been inserted into my heart was twisted and pushed even further......I am not sure if it was meant to hurt me even more or to warn me of what may happen to another on the path that they are following........

This path that I am now on seems to be ever slow. I know what I am seeking, but do not feel likw waiting, although I know I must be paitent. But then again I have been waiting lifetimes and it seems that each time I am close to what I seek, I close my eyes ,let out the air in my lungs, reopen them and what was supposed to be there is no longer.......

Upon opening my eyes this morning, I felt as if a calm had overcame me. Something seemed different, as if peace had entered me. I cant explain what this feeling is, but its subconciuosly a knowledge that all is going to be well, that the rough rough is now paved and smooth.......I am actually smiling right now which hasnt happened in quite some time......

The dream was real or felt like it. Nothing spectacular however it was kind of an eye opener. I was on my journey and I stopped to look behind me, which I normally wont do as the past is the past and what I saw was figured. The path behind my was shrouded in fog and only as the path was close behind me did it lift so I could actually see what I had been walking on. Upon turning back around i could see that for the most part the path was level and clear only a few spots were hilly and i could not see what was on the other side of them. ths sky was clear and there were no clouds. I am hoping that this means most of the stress has been left behind and the future is promising to be grand.....

I am begining to understand this new path i am traveling as the days seem to repeat themselves. Daylight hours are stressful and are becoming a nuiscance. And then upon arrival of the twilight things seem to realign themselves and become clear and joyful...... Now that I have this understanding...I can move forward and adjust the movments of my journey....

A new day, hmmmm, i had thought that this new path was going to be smoother, but alas, i am thrown a curve ball right from the start. This is seriously getting old, in the sense that why cant just 1 thing go as planned. I am getting tired of the path always being an uphill trip...what to do, what to do......what to do

So then as the sun rises the fog clears and I can see the path in front of me clearly. As the path levels out I know now where to look and how to get what I am seeking. I was blinded by what i thought it was necesary when it isnt necesary at all, just a welcome addition to what is here now. My head is clear and the journey seems to begin yet again.....

The road seems to be getting smoother...is this true because it actually is or does it just seem that way right now because i havd blinders on and dont really see what is in front of me? Am i once again making the sacrafice so that someone else is happy? Is this what i do every time ? Why does true happiness always stay at arms length, why can i not grasp it and hold on to it eternally, why does it seem to always slip through my fingers?

As the sun rose this morning, I read something someone i had never met wrote, and it was as if being awakened once again. Putting things that were amiss back into alignment, back onto the path that was being walked. A realization that sometimes we should actually listen to what we ourselves have said....

What uis truly important in this life? is it the size of your house, the car you drive, the amount of money in your bank or even the way you look. I cringe at the thought of living only to be consumed by what society deems is how you measureup. to me what is truly important is what your heart feels and what you leave behind when you walk on this so called path. What is important to me is the way you feel inside when you hear a childs laughter, see a new born puppy, looke out your window at the first untouched snowfall. the way rain sounds on a tin roof, and how thunder makes you jump.To many people walk through this moment in time with blinders on and never really see what matters.

I have been walking for all eternity, searching for her. Why does it seem that she is always just beyond my grasp. each time I get closer I can feel her heartbeat, sense her pulse quicking, yet she never appears to me. Is this HELL on earth, is this all there is, time after time wandering alone among the cattle, those stuck in their mundane, ritualisitc, droll lives, doing the same thing day in and day out. there must be more, must be something different just around the next corner,but when is it the next corner.when does it become what we have been seeking life after life after life.....