The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today was kind of weird, not in a bad way...somewhat good i guess, although I am not countuing chikens before they are fried. I spoke to someone today, and the sound of the voice I was hearing was like, Im not sure, made me feel something inside, kind of like a charge of energy that I desperatly need to help me out of the darkness, I must however be very cautious as I do not know yet the reason why they have crossed my path, and will not hand over what I have so freely....not again...ever....

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH, thats all i have to say today without sounding like a broken record.

Help,help,help...she haunts my dreams, why will she not go away, whycan i not get rid of her, why does everything remind me of her....i nned something major in my life to change...and i do not want to wait

What is this curse that I have been given, why is it imperative that so many of those who cross my path see it fit to lie to me, to play with my heart, to continue this path of insanity. Do i wear a sign that says come f88k with me, I have no feelings, walk on me,wipe your boots on me, and be gone. Why do so many say what they want, then turn around after given it and say wellI didnt really want that, I want this, lata...And I wonder why this path I am on is so dark, so slippery, so downwardly spiraling....I am so fed up.you have no idea.....is there not one...who speaks what she means and means what she says.....I am done....there is no trust here any longer,no belief in others any longer,no hope in others any longer,no faithin others...there is nothing here but emptiness.....

So 6am and I am awake,couldnt sleep as the dreams seem worse than reality.....in the sense that they are all happy and carefree and reality at this moment is anything but....

I truly hate where I am, the sadness, the depression, the cold, the darkness, the hurt, the pain. Why am I so tormented, so...so.....so.....trapped in this place. I want to let all that is in my veins, so I may forget, what hold is this that I can not forget, can not move on. Why does everything and I mean everything bring me back to a moment in time I need to bury. What I wish for is one whose heart is a true as mine to cross my path, meet my gaze, and hold me there, eye to eye so I may see that there is life yet to be lived, that there is something worth sticking around for, no more games, no more bs,no more just no more.......I seek help that never comes, I seek a hand to hold mine that never grasps my wrist and pulls me back from this edge I so finely am walking, I ramble to myself, ramble in here this ledger of words....all to no avail...wether awake or asleep....I am in a hell that seems to have no return.

I am losing my grip, i cant take being depressed like this much longer. I am seriously ready to give up, to just close my eyes and walk away from everything. my mind is dead, my heart is dead,i feel like i am just here, i have no ambition left in me, i am drained of all that i thought was once considered to be happy, when i wasnt at all. i am slipping, falling, drowning. everyone says give it time, i am so tired of hearing that, so tired of when you least expect it thats when something good will occur, hey ya never know whats around the next corner...and to think i even used to believe that until every corner i turned was more heartache,with every click of the clock was more depression, that whenever i wasnt expecting something..bang more bad shit happened to me..... all i do is work..i have mired myself into it 7 days a week as long as i can stand it, for it keeps my mind occupied...but im getting burned out...the more i work the more tired i get...the more tired i am the more depressed i am...for not only do i think about shit...but now im dreaming it as well...i am so tormented, i am so close...you have no idea............

Why is she still haunting me, why does everything remind me of her, why cant I get her out of my mind, and as of the past 3 nights, shes in my dreams. I have tried to get her to talk me, but to no avail, she wont even acknowledge me. I need something drastic in my life to change, i am considering moving, for in my mind, if I have new things to think about, i wont think about her. What i want, but it probably isnt the right timing, is someone to help me forget, somone to occupy the time my mind spends thinking, and rewinding, and reliving what was supposed to be forever but turned out to be a 3 year nightmare. Dont get me wrong there were vast happy times or so i thought, then in the past months, things were saud and done that are regrettable as they were done in the midst of emotional anger and hurt. Can we not forgive those who hurt us.......what to do/what to do...........

My pain runs deep, as the wound does not heel, it festers growing larger every day. Consuming me from within, eating at my heart, destroying all that was inside, and all that was, leaving nothing but death in its place. Therefore I feel that there is no returning from this trip I am on, that this journey will end in a pool of blood. That the end is near, that the sand slowly disapates into the bottom of the dial as time runs out, as the clock slowly ticks, like a time bomb in my head, getting ready to explode and destroy all that is left, which is not much. I feel like a ship on a fog covered ocean, where the light from the house struggles to pierce the darkness but cannot, and I am heading straight for destruction, I cannot see the end as I am blinded by the past, which is also the present and future. I am dead.

Why cant i get out of my head that which torments me. I know what it was, will never be again, as it never was to begin with. So why then is it killing me, that it is gone.....I am confused, tired, depressed, hurt, angry...I am no longer happy....and as I look back upon what has been left behind, I can see that I never was happy, that I have never known what it is like to be at peace in my heart, and that is all that matters to me....not money, not a big house, not a fancy car, I just want my heart not to be so black so close to deaths door....is there not a spark out there, a ray of light....a beacon in a storm for which to turn towards......

I am so fed up with hearing what is not true, so tired of hearing that the same is needed when its not, if you do not want the same as me then dont waste my time, my energy, my thoughts, my space, my feelings. Is there not one out there that hasnt been so beaten by others, that they feel its a game to retrun the hurt to someone else,cant they ,for once be totally truthful, this game that is palyed...is taxing on every nerve to the point of exploding into something that wont be controlable, something that is ugly and dark...i am so tired....i am depressed and each movement of the clocks hands push me further into an exile that isnt returnable from..........

Why does my heart do this to me, this viscious game it plays, taunting me , teasing me, always hurting, always pushing me into .....love?....why love, what is love...ill tell you...it is a cruelpunisher...love mocks me, love breaks my heart, love teases me with what is outside my grasp, love plays games, it makes me tired, it opens what seems to be a door where things might be different, but all it is, is a door that has been painted a different color, to confuse me, to inflict more of its humorous pain, why me,why this circle that goes around and around , yet always ends up in the same place with the same results....me brokenheartedand on the outside looking in......is this some test, some feat i must perform to be able to move on..........well i am losing,it is beating me....my grasp is slipping....i am falling..........

The days, they seem to become one, I sleep in spurts (also due to a crack in by leg), but mostly due to the bad dreams...nightmares. Time is tearing me apart, I know I must be paitient and wait for whatever is in store, for whatever lies ahead on this unpaved, unsmooth path I walk. But I dont like it, dont like having to wait, never have, I want something now, in my mind if I have to wait, then I am wasted, what I have if not used becomes sorrow and more pain, pain that my heart wont take. My head is close to being clear of the one who crushed me, only brief thoughtsof her that then turn to red anger, to pitch black hate. But then reality sets in and again I realize that I am once again walking alone...is that footsteps behind me, I turn but see only shadows, no form is visible....is there not someone walking the same path, looking for what I have as I look for what they have....will there be a spark... or just another bag of tricks and lies used for their amusement for the moment until what they think is something better crosses their path and then like a whisper on the wind they too are gone,leaving yet another bloody pile of what was supposed to bes.......Im tired...so tired......

A door has opened, what should be done. Do I run through it as I always do and risk being crushed again.....or do I change myself and become what I am not, do I know how to do that....this is my dilema. If I do not do things as Ive always done them, yes everyone says way to fast, am I not then lying, for by not being myself and doing things differnetly , then I have now projected someone and something im not. I say what is on my mind and what my heart feels,regardless of what the outcome would be, which is usually me getting stepped on......I need to think....I need to close my eyes and think......dont get me wrong, I know what it is I want...but do I have the fortitude and is there anything left in my heart from the last time, to risk it yet again........do I dont I.....oh well....maybe I need some more Chiraz...hehehehe

I am stuck in this perpetual circle, this neverending quest for someone to walk my path with me. Why is it so hard in this time to find an equal that is not afraid of what may or may not lay ahead. Why can noone be open and honest about what it is they are really looking for, why the blank stares, the masks, the hidden agendas the lies. I am so tired of me being the one to say what i mean and mean what i say, when all i get is the run around. Why is it so hard to find someone who is really done playing games and is ready for a real long term relationship. It is confusing, but alas maybe someday my path will be crossed by someone sincere.

Ok, so for 2 days now I seem not to be in such a dark place as I have been over the last few months. Has new door opened, im sure it has, but am I once again ruching through it, instead of just peeking and very slowly entering. Who knows, I guess as the hands on the clock go around and around I shall know.

Do not know why, but this morning I woke up and it felt as if a weight on me was gone....Lets hope so, for the path ive been walking lately has been very dark and borderline insane. Well we shall see what lies ahead...and as all of youhave told me...its in the hands of time.........

I dont get this one minute shes out of my mind and i am doing well. Then bang something happens and shes there like a sharp knife stabbing deep into my heart again, stirring up what I had surpressed. Then the anger rises, I say things, she says things, it becomes turmoil. Then why I dont know,I feel bad,and want to trry to be friends, then the viscious circle starts all over again. Lies, betrayal, revenge,hoplessness, why does it all drown me, I cant breath, I am losing this battle, this war. I am so drained of energy of life, of anything in the light. All that is inside me is darness, death, coldness, dark shadows that are emerging, taking over my existence. Is that all I am entitled to this trip, this lifetime am I to be miserable from the first breath to the last. I am here to steer others in a certain direction so they may assume happiness and I am only to suffer? Some say pray to god...I laugh at that as he has never helped me before......Everyone say it takes time to heal, its only been 2 months....time are you kidding me....with every tick of the clock i fall deeper away deeper into darkness,into insanity, she has no idea what she has done or for that matter what she is doing....i want to close my eyes and not wake up, i can feel the blade putting pressure on my veins, all that is needed is the stroke that will slice through them like a hot knife melts butter. I am so close to giving up , no one has a clue, no one seems to care.......im dying, im dead....im nothingness

Right now I am livid, as the lies that one can be told and one aspires to tell. Why does one not be real, be open, tell whats on their mind. Why must everything be veiled and only let out what is wanted to be let out. Why does one lie ? they say life isnt fair...true not when you are lied to about everything, not when you know things and see that what someone else is doing is a lie....what do you do, revenge....do you let others know the lies that are being told, does one wash the dirty laundry for the liar.....and yet I wonder...why does this bother me so...am I not better off without the liar, the deciever, the backe stabber, the heartbreaker.....I am better off....so why does it bother me...why should I care if the deciever lies to others.......I gues i shouldnt and must not let it bother me....I must stay on the course I have laid before me....I must walk towards that beautiful light that is in front of me....go into the future, not die remembering the past, all the past does is hurt me more....yes I shall move forward into the light.....

I am sleepy, the days seem to stretch on and on. Especially since I keep looking around every corner to see if she appears to me, the one I seek. But my hopes are guarded, as I wont let my heart get crusehd yet again, it couldnt take it. Yet have I changed in that sense, would I jump yet again at the opportunity for that sprk which ignites love? What is love? Im not sure I know anymore, the last time I though I was in love I got crushed and then realized that I was actually living for that person who didnt want to be loved. Thats messed up, I thought everyone wanted to feel loved , cherished, looked at with a devotion that was staggering. Guess I was wrong, so now I slowly walk this path with no real clue as to where it is leading....Anyways I think I will take a nap,for who knows what might come about shortly....

These past few days have been a severe eye opener. What i thought could never be again, seems to be ever so close. Yet im not sure how to handle things. I will of course not waiver from who I truly am, but what is happening, I dont want to lose, or waste time. Am i being the same as i always was. Jumping in with both feet and not looking or waiting to see if the water is really safe. Akll I know is that my face hurts, my mind is floodedI am happy, which i realized that i really hadnt been for a while. I realized I was living for someone else, while I faded away into the dark. They say one door closes, and another opens. It seems as if that is true,can I for once actually open the door slowly and not let whats on the other side escape, rather than rushing in, and all to soon what was there is gone. How can one truly eplain whats going on without risking what has been gained so far.....hmmmm