0.o02:28 Jul 22 2009
Times Read: 566
Me thinks my dad's trying to convert me. He studies Gnosis, and has been trying to get me to watch videos about it, read about it, and even claims that it could help me better to understand my mother, and so help me heal from what she did to me on my graduation a few years ago. (Has it really been that long?) I dunno if I want to understand my mom, but he doesn't realize that I'm past that ordeal. I've moved on, and opening such a wound will only send me into a panic attack. I'm not one to bash religions or anything like that, but if this belief system can help people to understand one another and the actions they take, then why can't he understand that I don't want to bring such things up again? If it really helps one to understand others, then why doesn't he understand that some of the things HE does hurts me. *sigh* I don't get it. I don't understand how one such as him, who claims that he understands people so well, who claims that the belief system he has will help him understand his own flaws, can never think he's wrong-EVER-and not understand that the things he says, the people who harm him, and the things he does hurts not only himself, but the people around him. I've said some harsh things to him before, hurt him, but I recognized it right away, and apologized (if I felt that an apology was necessary), but he never apologizes for his actions, he never says he's sorry about something, and he just doesn't understand half the things I do. If his "religion" is supposed to teach him all that, why isn't it working? Someone explain this to me please, lest I start believing that I'm living with a hypocrite.
It's Tracy all Over Again23:30 Jul 15 2009
Times Read: 595
So apparently my opinion really means nothing to my dad. *grrr* I have a funny story for you all, would you like to hear it?
Not a week ago, my dad came home from work, saying that he, "Had Liz where he wanted her," and that he was going to, "sever the ties that she has with him," and yada yada yada, basically saying that he wasn't going to deal with her bullshit anymore. I was so proud of him, finally standing up for himself. (he does it so rarely) But what should happen but that bitch manipulating her way back into his life again. FUCK! IT'S TRACY ALL OVER AGAIN!
Not two days after he did this, she calls him up saying that her daughter has been acting up because she wanted to see him, and that Liz was going to rent a room at a hotel, and if he wanted to see her and her kids, he could. So what does my dad do? He goes and spends the entire night at the hotel room...THEN BRINGS THEM ALL HOME! *sigh* Then for the entire weekend, I...who wasn't feeling good, who had a headache, cramps, a backache, and was just plain tired, had to watch the kids while Liz stole my dad away...what a jerk. I told him I wasn't feeling well, and did he care? NO!
Lately, I really haven't been feeling well. I've been having stomach problems, my ulcers are bleeding, I'm almost out of heartburn medication because I've been taking it more, and my head is constantly killing me. Every day he comes home, complains about his girl problems, smokes a bowl, then goes back into his room and sulks. I'm growing tired of it. He doesn't want to talk to me, but expects me to talk to him.
It's getting more and more difficult to deal with this bullshit. I have spoken to him, told him that he has women issues, said that this relationship is poisonous, but it's as though my opinion doesn't matter, despite his claims that it does. *sigh*
This is the final straw...as soon as I save up enough, I'm gone. Apparently I'm only here to deal with his drama, and clean his house...I'm tired of being used. I'll keep updating this.
05:06 Jul 08 2009
Times Read: 623
So a lot of things have happened in just this past week, it's kind of depressing to think about, but I also got some great advice from Lady C.
Well my dad, as it is possibly universally known, has HORRIBLE luck with women, and well, he's not exactly the knight in shining armor most women think he is. Not saying that he's horrible or anything, he's just too busy to deal with all of their issues, and too stressed.
For the entire past week, my dad has been dealing with some woman who A.) makes him worry about me when I'm gone, B.) calls him a cheater, and plays games with his mind, and C.) taunts his friends and makes them feel bad about hanging around him...what kind of mind fucking bullshit is that? And it's not just causing him to get stressed, it's causing me to get stressed too.
You see, whenever my dad has something he needs to talk about, guess who he turns to...yes that's right people, me! And yours truly is getting tired of watching my dad not only get mind fucked by some bitch who can't learn to control herself, but of listening to him, day in and day out complain about how sick he is of her. So I confronted her.
You see, after my dad broke up with said drama queen, she suddenly got the assumption that I hated her too, as though I were a lemming or something. Pfft, not even close. I am as unique as they come, and am damn proud of it. As my uncle so fondly puts, I'm down. Of course, he's a juggalo, but you get what he's saying.
So what I confronted her about is the way I felt she was acting, and what I thought of it. I didn't yell, in fact, the entire tone of the letter I sent her was full of civil bullshit and large words. It was an intelligently written, expertly crafted, and civil message to her that, in layman's terms, told her I was disappointed in what she was doing, thought she needed to stop, and while I didn't hate her, I thought she was acting like a child.
Essentially, I asked her to back off, told her that I was tired of watching my dad stress, and said that I would be willing to give her a second chance, if she proved to me that she deserved it. And while it wasn't a wrong thing to do, considering I hardly ever express myself like I should, I was still "yelled at." Not that I take it personally or anything, I'm just tired of this bullshit.
As I often do when I have a problem, I told Lady C about it. To be honest, she's one of the few people I really do talk to. I've learned to trust her judgment, and I know that she will listen not only with a clear head, but give me valid advice that I know I will be able to use.
She told me to remember that even parents make mistakes. To talk to my dad and tell him that what's going on is becoming as poisonous as Tracy, and we all know what that was like.
Now this is advice I can use, yes? Simple, and to the point. I just need to talk to my dad and tell him what I feel, not hold back, and ask him to listen. And if it ever gets to the point that he wants Liz back, I need to talk to her, and explain everything to her too. I also need to listen to her, get her side of the story, and be calm about it.
It's the point of growing up, yes? To be able to patiently, calmly and maturely listen to certain problems and neutrally make your own decision on what's going on. I admit that while it was impossible for me to hear both sides of this problem, since my dad was asking Liz not to talk to me, that I didn't handle it like I probably should have. Instead of going out of my way to make sure I had both sides of the story, I angrily confronted someone that I'd grown to care about, and calmly lashed out at them. I should have gotten both sides of the story, and trusted my own instincts rather than be blinded by what my dad was telling me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, and as his daughter, I am very protective of him, I only want to see him happy, but I also don't need this stress. I don't want to sit here every day and watch him get home from work, then listen to him complain about his girl problems, and as an adult, I need to tell him that.
I have so much to do now, so many plans to bring to the forefront and act on. It's about time for me to get my life back together, stop living in this lala land I've found myself in, and reenter the world as an adult.
Thanks for the advice Lady C.
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