*sigh*
12:48 Jan 27 2009
Times Read: 570
As some people probably know, I have been struggling in a losing battle with a woman who loves to toy with my dad's feelings, and my father himself. It's come to the point that I no longer know what to do. Today, she has left, everything is out of the house, and my heart is rejoicing, but how can I be happy when I know that my dad is hurting? I love him so very much, and would never want to see him unhappy, as I am sure he feels as well, but...how can I be happy when he is sad? How can I smile, and dance and crack jokes as though that bitch was never here when I know, deep down inside, that she is still sucking his happiness away from a distance? And at the same time, I must ask myself...how can I trust that he will keep her away from here? How can I trust that she will never step foot in this house again? If you ask me, his track record isn't so great, is it? He has a history of kicking her out, promising that she will never return, then allowing her to waltz her way into our lives once more, as if we were a part of her twisted dance.
And what do I do? I tolerate it, with my saint-like tolerance, I sit in my little room, complaining about it, unsure of what to do that would not step outside the bounds of my own morals, when I know that in this case, I shouldn't give a damn and just drag her out of the house by her hair to toss her on the street. But as someone so excellently pointed out to me, I am way too nice, and so, have to get her out the subtle way.
I really hope that she does not return, for both my father's sake, and my own. This time, however, I got bold. I was taking a nap after having cleaned, when my dad walked in with Tracy. I thought I was dreaming when I heard her voice this time. He'd been talking about another woman for the past few days, and was hoping that she, this other woman, would help him get over the lazy, drunk that has been inhabiting and shredding his life for the past few years. But one can never know how a person truly is unless they have seen them face to face, and even then, you will never truly know who they are inside until you have lived with them, and seen them in their natural environment. In my heart, I was hoping this woman would help him forget Tracy as well, I'm so tired of that bitch.
But it was not to be. When I woke up, still hearing her voice, I knew I was going to be unhappy again. We'd gone a week and a half with happiness, and my dad was talking to me, confiding in me, when he had to bring that woman back. I woke up, and started to do the dishes, to occupy myself while they argued, and when my dad came out, I looked at him, and asked how long she would be staying. It was the first time I cried in front of my dad, and I want it to be the last. I told him that I didn't want her to stay-at this time he was still uncertain of whether or not she would be staying-and I told him that I didn't want it to start over again, I didn't want to see him unhappy because of her. He said that he would take what I wanted into consideration-which I doubt.
Am I a bad person for wanting to be angry with my dad for letting this happen to himself when he's so pained? Am I a bad person for wanting to point and laugh in his face at his pain? Am I a bad person for wanting to give him a snide smirk and tell him, "I told you so?"
I'm uncertain. I'm confused. I don't know how I should feel right now. I don't know if it's alright to be happy that he's in pain right now. I know that it will pass, and then it will return, and then it will pass. And I often wondered if it was my fault whether or not he kept letting her come back. I told myself all the time this week, that if I had just been around for that much longer, laughed those few more times with him, that she wouldn't be back, causing turmoil in this house, this home, this sacred place.
*sigh* I'm just not sure anymore.
A piece of advice, or maybe a blurt of advice.01:21 Jan 10 2009
Times Read: 593
I recently received a comment on one of my journal entries, stating how someone "has got to learn how to do..." such and such on Photoshop and GIMP. Well, I think I have some answers.
First off, for those of you that have no clue what GIMP is, I'll tell you. First off, GIMP stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program. Its...basically like Photoshop except with a couple added features. With gimp, you can make fractals, add 3D borders, and do so much more. I usually use it when I'm making a background for my pictures. While it's not as well known as Photoshop, when creating some pictures, it can be a great asset to your entourage.
Another great program, if you have it, would be NVIDIA. It helps you to create videos, and touch up pictures as well.
I...usually try to stick with something I know, and I think that is a good piece of advice for everyone who delves into the artistic venues of the world. Don't try to get all complex if complexity isn't your thing. You'll end up over exaggerating a picture, song, or even piece of literature if you do.
Now, when it comes to Photoshop, I know my skills may seem great, but I must tell you all, that what I do, is only the tip of the iceberg. Overtime, I do plan to acquire a tablet of some sort, so that I can delve further into the possibilities supplied by photoshop, and what I can do to make my own art grow and mature. However, what I do know now, seems to be enough for advice. Like I said, I recently received a comment on one of my pictures from a friend who said that they'd like to learn some more about them. And so, dear friend, I'll let you in on a few little secrets:
Number 1.) Experimentation: It took me a long time and a lot of experimentation to figure out what I could do with Photoshop. The "generation" that I use is CS, which offers a little more possibilities than the older versions, and yet, has slightly less things available than CS2, CS3, or CS4 for that matter. However, what I have now, is good enough for me. I know the program pretty well, and I'm still learning some more.
Number 2.) Brushes: Have you ever used Paint, and used the Brush tool? Well Photoshop has one too. And what's cool about Photoshop is that they have several varieties already available for you, whether it's wet brushes or dry brushes, it doesn't matter. But my little secret for you is that I also downloaded tons of different types of brushes. Be it Vector, Fractal or grunge brushes, it doesn't matter. Anything I think that will help to improve my art, I have it. And if I find more, I'm sure that I will download more. Don't be afraid to look online for free brushes. If they say that you don't have to give the creator's credit for them, then don't worry about it, however if they do, right down the creator's name with the brush and make sure you give them credits either in your signature, or in the description you give of them.
And finally....Number 3.) Lens Blur: Being that I do not have a tablet, it's hard to shade while using a touch pad mouse and make it look good. Trust me, I got down on my knees and thanked the goddess when I found out that the Lens Blur looked so well. It adds a nice, soft shaded feel to the picture, and makes it look less cartoony, if you know what I mean. And my art is pretty cartoony. Experiment with that as well. Find levels of the Lens Blur that you think look good with the section that you are shading and don't be afraid to experiment.
Well, that's all the info I have for you right now, and all the advice I can share for the moment. Feel free to ask any questions ya like, any advice you may need, via PM and I'll be sure to answer here in my Journal. Ciao!
COMMENTS
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LadyChordewa
05:16 Jan 28 2009
Sometimes people are more scared of being alone, then being happy hon. He might be sad, but he is also wondering if he will ever find someone to love him. *hugs*
You are in a tough situation but its natural to be happy, when your father throws her out and sad when she comes back. She is a destructive source in your home and you recognize it.....your father, is so use to it, he doesn't realize that its not healthy.
You just have to help him hon. Make him realize that he is better and happier without her.
CelestiaNocturne
17:25 Feb 01 2009
Nartina part of loving someone is always wanting to see them happy, even if you know that what makes them happy is destroying them. All you can do is be there with broad shoulders and a huge box of tissues. I'm sorry you have to go through this sweetie but just know you are not alone. *hugs*