The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

05:43 Jun 30 2013
Times Read: 746

I've been practicing the violin tonight for the first time in a long time. It's been months, at least, and I hadn't played much before that. It's been years since I played regularly.



Someone convinced me to play for him and he told me, "I'll tell you what to play." So, I will be playing two songs, learned by ear tonight, over the phone tomorrow night. Yikes!



But I want to do this, so I will.



Practicing tonight has made my fingers hurt- in a good way.

Neverland
15:25 Jun 29 2013
Times Read: 755

I am currently reading



"Neverland/ J.M. Barrie, The Du Mauriers, and the Dark Side of Peter Pan"



It's non-fiction and is about Barrie's influence on the family- especially the children.



Very interesting. And sad.

Owning
04:08 Jun 25 2013
Times Read: 768

"In 1918, psychologist William James described 'appropriation' or 'acquisitiveness' as an instinct, something that is part of human nature, present at birth and with us throughout life. This instinct contributes to our sense of self. What is 'me' fuses with what is 'mine', and our 'self ' consists of what we possess."



From: "Stuff / Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things"

It Will Pass
05:06 Jun 23 2013
Times Read: 779

I've been singing again lately, but today the songs are sad.

01:12 Jun 20 2013
Times Read: 796

Today was better than yesterday. It's funny how many people at work are genuinely happy to see me. To the corporation, I am just another flesh and blood machine. But I can't help caring for people, no matter that it sometimes hurts.



One of my friends at work, Lori, said that during her interview, her eyes kept being drawn to me, and as she watched me work, she said to herself "I think I'm going to like her". Yesterday, she knew I was having a bad day, and even though she got off work an hour before I did, she actually came back and gave me a ride home so that I didn't have to take a bus. How cool is that? And she said," You know, I was right about you." Then we had a lovely "bitching session"! Haha!

04:54 Jun 19 2013
Times Read: 804

Today I feel as if my heart is made of glass, and It's been thrown from a tenth-story window.

Missed Opportunity
04:04 Jun 17 2013
Times Read: 844

Someone rated me and asked what NLW stood for. I messaged her and told her it was my initials. After I sent the message, I thought, "I should have said 'Truth, justice, and the American way'. I missed an opportunity to be a smartass! Darn it!"

Inner Battles
07:52 Jun 13 2013
Times Read: 857

Lately I've been noticing more and more how I have gotten in my own way to keep myself from doing something. It's a way to make a decision without making one- that is, without taking responsibility. Realizing this, I feel like kicking myself, but that's another self-destructive habit I need to stop. I know something of where these habits come from. Now I just need to find ways to short-circuit them.



My OCD behaviors are much reduced since I started actively fighting them years ago. I can do this, too.



Fighting my own mind is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I know it's worth doing, and I haven't given up.

00:33 Jun 04 2013
Times Read: 876

Boundaries
01:16 Jun 03 2013
Times Read: 888




I have done much thinking lately about boundaries and expectations. Once again, these thoughts have been centered around my family. I think it's interesting that I relate well to my friends, but poorly to my family. I would like to have a better relationship with my family as a whole, but I've come to realize that this isn't meant to be, at least, as not as long as I'm the only one willing to be flexible. I realized that the rules they are playing by are different than the rules I play by with my friends.



My friends and I respect each other, and we treat each other the way we would like to be treated. No relationship is perfect, but we apologize or forgive each other our missteps when someone has been hurt. We trust each other because we have a history of respect between us.



My family has all been wounded, and they are all looking to get something from each other that they didn't get growing up. Unfortunately, that's impossible. I was away so long, that I didn't realize that I had grown into a way of approaching relationships that was extremely different from that of my family of origin. I did, however, fall back into the bad habit of family expectations, too. The family is very powerful, and it's difficult not to, but I soon realized it and tried to stop myself from repeating those old patterns.



I think the expectation of family is often that of expecting love because of a relationship by blood, and that, coupled with family roles, means that you are also expected to read their minds. A problem with family roles also is that these roles are rigid and have nothing to do with who you actually are. These roles are enforced by emotional manipulation and past conditioning. Because of this, even when a person wants to relate differently to their family, the family will not accept it, and it continues to see the person not as an individual, but as the role they have been assigned to complete the family.



I realized today, that although I have a great deal of work to do, I have done all my work on the inside, while they have spent most (although admittedly not all) of their energy on camouflage. They therefore think I have done nothing, when in actuality I have been working on myself for sixteen years. But they still see me as my role, and I keep trying to relate to them as individuals.



I'm going to stop that now. It's only hurting me. I've been letting them do it, and now that I realize it, I'm putting up boundaries between us.