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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak!

I keep popping on and off here. I like reading blogs, and I look for new entries to read, and sometimes ones I've already read, then I go to the forum and decide whether or not to post something, or just to read what people have written there. Then I think about messaging people, but I can't think of anything to say.



I am kind of scattered and unfocused in my attention and thinking. I never used to be this way. I have also found myself to be disappointed with some things in my life, as some things have revealed themselves to be something different than I thought they were. My policy for most of my life has been distrust first, but the last few years, that has slowly changed. I am not sure that's a good thing.



I miss school, and find myself unmotivated to do the things that I should, or the things I was planning to do. It's as if doing one thing brings some kind of momentum that carries over into the doing of other things.



At least school starts again in August.



I am also looking forward to transferring to university with a great deal of anxiety. It isn't the actual attending that is making me nervous. I attended a different university years ago.



I am fearful of things sliding away like they did before, of the stress becoming too much and taking me down again, of even being accepted as a transfer student, of financial aid being available, of what exactly to focus on, and making the right decision in that, and in getting an eventual job using my eventual degree, if that's even possible. Of becoming more isolated.



I just keep reminding myself that what I was doing wasn't working, and that I now at least have a shot. But I worry that it's too late.



These are only some of the reasons why I have a hard time talking to anyone, and there are things I can't talk about. I wouldn't know where to start.



This is why I have a hard time sleeping.

People can make a big impact on someone's life, for better or worse, in a short amount of time.



A friend is leaving my place of work. Last night was her last night working. I did not know her 2 years ago.



She gave humanity to our workplace, and she treated everyone with respect, whether she liked them or not.



She stood up for what she believed was right, even when it caused her to clash with upper management, and even when she knew it might bring negative consequences.



I will miss working with her, but I am glad she is moving on to better things. She will be able to help so many more people where she'll be going.

I was so energetic and optimistic for awhile. Now the depression is creeping back in. It feels like my bones are filled with lead, and that I'm wearing clothes covered with lead. Food doesn't taste the same, colors aren't as bright, and even music has lost some of its ability to affect me. I have no motivation, I'm afraid all the time, and I am not sleeping well.



I can still laugh, and see humor in things from time to time, but it's like the darkness is standing there listening, watching, with one hand on my shoulder.

Ugh. It's too hot.

COMMENTS

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LORDMOGY
08:20 Jul 11 2016

Go skinny dipping..

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NLW
08:54 Jul 11 2016

Nope. But thanks for the suggestion. :P

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POST COMMENT

I will never really be good enough. Or bad enough. Or beautiful enough. Or talented enough. Or just enough. I don't belong. Not completely. A piece fits here. A part fits there, but never the whole. I always feel alone. Always.



I can usually find enough to do to keep from thinking of it. But not today.



I have had too many of these days lately.