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So it seems I'm incapable of actually holding a decent relationship. It's really amazing hen you sit and realize that your the common denominator. Your the reason of your own misery. your own reason why love of a mate hasn't been. i have to admit it's quite amazing to have such insight into what's the problem.



I have to admit I've the best man in my life that i've ever had and due to my own insanity, walls and lack of openness. I destroyed something that i thought to be "perfect" even with it's imperfections.



next step how to correct this issue. hmmm.. Well i've thought of a plan to find the root of this issue and uprooting this before a life of absolute misery.



One i realize have to just have someone that I can be fully and completely opened with. Which i think i may have. Then I must stay out of a relationship and even relations. I have an evil little lustful demon that cannot be feed anymore. So far i don't have to worry of addictions such alcohol and/or drugs thats been taken out of the equation a long time ago. Alot of meditation and self analysis. i must find how to love again. this numbness and introverted way must be ended and this heart must rule.