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Everyday I feel as if there is a noose around my neck growing tighter and tighter...



I know this feeling, have dealt with this great feeling before and now I am doing all that I can to escape it. This heavy cloud, black and poisonous invaded my life once before and I barely made it out alive. I don't know if I can do it again, not sure I have the will to tough it out this time. I am terrified and yet because it is so familiar I am not running as fast as I should be.



It is almost as if I see this as a direct challenge to the sense of calm I had started to develop in the past couple of years. There was light at the end of the tunnel and I had grown confident in my ability to make it out the other side almost in tact...but now...here we are again.



It starts with a creeping numbness and then suddenly you realize you are doing less and less, going out less and less, seeing people less and less. You justify it in your mind as being tired or too busy to do things only to find that you have been sitting in your apartment for 6 hours wearing a path in your carpet between the kitchen and the living room couch. You have done nothing, accomplished nothing, and are becoming nothing.



Please, please don't make me go back there.