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I've wanted to share for weeks now but lately I exist in a constant state of pulling away. Move away further and bury my mind in distractions and obligations. Not today, not now, no one needs to know, no one should care, no one should see. I recognize that this pattern returns from a youth spent keeping all "our business" private. Then I left home and wanted to share everything and wound up back where I began, pulling away from sharing. Resisting being open.


Isolating.


She's dying. Mother is dying.

She will forget who she is, forget who we are, forget all that has been.

Forget to eat.

Forget to drink.

Forget to breathe.

We have to let go, all of us. We have to make our peace now. Now now now. No time to wait. Go now and make peace. Go now and say goodbye. Go now and snap the photos of memories you want to keep because the path ahead will be so unfamiliar.

I'm not at peace. I do not know this woman who has resisted me my entire life. I know that we are so alike and something in that terrifies her to the point of being abusive to just get me away from her. Pull away. I know she loves me but we do not know each other and there is no more time. There is no more time! God fucking DAMMIT. We made peace, we made amends, and now she is leaving. There is no more time.

Our humor is dark. She jokes on a phone call that even if they slash her social security she won't have to live long enough to see this bullshit roll out. I laugh, because it is absurd, because it is nightmarish and huge to me that she is dying. Inside I am screaming.

She's going for even more tests to see how far along this is and I am flying down to spend time. Will we be able to hold each other? Will our bodies allow for that or are we so stung and wounded by each other that it will feel like strangers embracing?

She can't stop crying. I can't stop crying.

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
00:44 Nov 09 2024

I am SO sorry... There are no words that I can bring you that would bring solace... I wish there were... I will send all the positive thoughts your way and a big virtual hug from me to you... I wish I could help ease the pain you are feeling... I really do! You don't know me well, but I will gladly offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen if you find yourself wanting one. *hugs*

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MooniePie
01:30 Nov 09 2024

I have no words... just my love and support. xoxox

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Cartomancer
03:15 Nov 09 2024

😢 I think one of the worst things is wanting things to be different so badly and they aren’t. But if you’re going to go there – there’s still a chance for some change. The change you seem to need in order for this to be the best transition possible. And if it doesn’t happen, you will know you tried.

Best wishes for the peace you seek with her, and more.❤️

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Joli
09:26 Nov 09 2024

Oh, Morri. I'm so sorry. I really hope you can embrace and lean into each other. I haven't talked to you in so long; wish I could help in some way. If I can, let me know.

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