President Parody02:03 Dec 01 2016
Times Read: 822
President Mordrakus
Location: Attendance at somewhere.
My fellow Americans, Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!....Though they may have to be surgically reattached.
But never mind about that, after five or more votes and no surviving rivals, I have been elected President Mordrakus and the entity trusted with the red button that will fire nukes at everyone as well as the security of this country.
The best part. I do not look like a tangerine or sound like someone who is drunk to the point of slurring words.
The world is a dangerous place but I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. Just remember that old saying in Tennessee, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.
The medical issue needs to be rectumfied....or it that rectified? There are way too many doctors getting out of the business. and too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
It has come to my attention about my lack of talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times.
My fellow Americans, fear nothing from the outside threats and enemies because while our enemies are indeed innovative and resourceful, so am I. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do I.
Now, lets move on to my plans.
I have issued even more new policies, effective immediately.
Death is now against the law, specifically spontaneous and unexpected death.
Anyone caught dropping dead without having informed the D.O.P.E (department of premature Eradication) within a month before your time of death, will have their body arrested and sentenced to twenty years sitting in a chair in one of the rooms of their next of kin, thus your family will suffer for negligence and so will the country for being able to process your body...for beneficial reasons.
So effective immediately, everyone will need to register and inform the D.O.P.E of any possible impending death, it must be at least a month's notice and with the exact day and date you expect to die because my fellow Americans, its no good saying "I'm about to be stabbed" to the police, you have to say "I am going to be stabbed to death on the xTH of x" this applies to accidents, you cannot say you just got run over and you are dying, you have to be specific and tell the department where and when you expect to be fatally flattened, the exact hour and minute would be welcome but its optional.
With the 666th amendment in place, and with some recent modification, you can now legally and forcefully euthanize republicans, they are a sick breed and need to be put out of our misery as soon as possible.
Anyone with a skin color bordering on orange is also fair game and its encouraged to use blunt objects on them. why you ask? or you didn't ask, because oranges are annoying and thus pain is a lesson hard to forget.
Spray tan is now illegal and those caught using it are subject to the 666th amendment.
A new addition to the death penalties, the enema will now use liquid nitrogen as an optional way to induce death. The next one is turbo lax, where the idea is to kill the criminal via a humiliating way by making them excrete themselves to death, the bonus on this is that because all the waste has been evacuated, then the body should not suffer the typical after death side effects.
Last but not least, the vomiter. A revolutionary highly sophisticated weapon that when pointed at a living target, it causes the victim to vomit literally to death with some cases having the inmate regurgitate his own stomach and intestines.
Now before we end this I will take your questions. Yes you there young lady.
YL: How does it feel to be president of the USA?
Don't you dare spell in front of me! I know how its spelt and know I am the president of the Ussah. Anyone else? Johnson! put your hand down! you're one my security, not a reporter!
Ah yes, son go ahead.
Meanwhile at "Fort Bigwun.
Sergeant Mort addressing his privates.
Attention!!!
Now you 'orrible maggots, you may have survived the first few days here at Fort Bigwun, but now this is where we separate the soldiers from the steaming pile of puppy shit!!
Private Dakotah!!
Private Lili!!
So good of you to finally join us!! I hope those enemas taught you to pay attention and not to fraternize with your squad!! you are here to be soldiers dammit!!! and not to goddamn play hide the sausage!!!
My god you two make me sick!!! never in all my years as sergeant of this great fort have I had to walk in on two of my soldiers slamming ass in the back of the army ambulance!!!. I catch you two at it again, and the only thing that will be taking the chocolate escalator will be my boot!!! because I will for life me and my great country shove my boot so far up you asses that you will be spitting boot polish!!
Now back in line!!
Soldiers! as you have noticed, you are once again wearing the stereotypical scottish uniform known as the kilt! This is a part of some likely inane program forced on us by those nancy pencil pushers!!
Private Dakotah!! Stop your shuffling!
P.Dakotah: I am sorry sir but I'm freezing in this outfit.
Oh I am sorry to hear that Private! Would you like a hot water bottle?!
P.Dakotah: Oh thanks sir, but I already have one (pulls water bottle out from the kilt.)
What..the hell is...that doing..in there!?
P.Dakotah: Its keeps my dangler warm!
Private Dakotah!! How many times do I have to tell you, its a sporran! not a dangler!!
And you!! Private Lil! Any smart ass comments?! Are you cold as well?
P. Lili: Well now that you mentioned it sir, I do feel a wind going up the...pass.
That is it!! You two! to your quarters at once! I will deal with you filthy maggots later!!
Meanwhile at a rival barracks called Fort Dic'ead.
Wow that sergeant really is a nasty peace of work! I can hear him even without the microphone. Reminds of another asshole we know.
Take the shot Griff!
I don't know Caboose, they are not wearing any mjolnir armor....are we in the right canyon?
Well, they sure have awesome firepower, look at this rifle!!
Caboose!! put that down before shoot another team mate!
Back at fort Bigwun.
A gunshot echos.
What in the hell's mary was that?!! I didn't not authorize any goddamn live ammo fire!
ADVERT
Yes, we advertise during Journals now.
Coming to a movie theater near you, a cliche story with no plot, staring Mal swaztystonalone as a barely talkative ex-special forces soldier and ex-cia, he thought he could retire and live peacefully with his family...He was wrong!
They killed his family, blew up his home and ate his dog.
Now Mal is on a mission... to get revenge. Co-starring Blondie Bimbo from cancelled reality show "Celebrity Big Boobs", as the ditzy love interest with no personality and whathisname from that slightly popular soap opera, as the comic relief who won't survive the final act!
Out January 2017. Rated R for retarded.
Fort Dic'ead.
Oww!! motherfucker! Caboose! you shot me...again!!
Sorry!! the trigger slipped!
Why did it have to be my ass!!
Back at Fort Bigwun.
Nevermind that noise Soldiers!! Back in line!!
And who hell are you?!
Vampirewitch39 reporting for duty Sir!!
Don't you sir me!! I haven't decided if you're going to stay here yet!! And what in god's name do you call that name?!!
VW39: I...
Interrupt me again and I will throw you through your fucking asshole!! Do you get me!?
VW39: Yes?
You speak out of turn again and I will turn those numbers into a 69 and you can choke on it!! Guards!! take this one way, wench is a new recruit and thus needs....the grinder!
Guard: The...the grinder? But isn't that...?
Don't question me soldier I will not be second guessed by me, never mind you!! Now you get you ass moving or I will fuck it with lead!!
Wait!!
Guard: Changed your mind sir?
No! Give the witch an enema first.
VW39: No, not an enema!! I like my ass!!! NOOooooooo!!
Who the hell are you!!?
Unknown: I'm private Slipknotbabe, serial number 12345678.
Well I have never seen you before in my life!!
P.Slippy: I...
Don't you contradict me you little wench!! and stop pulling faces!!
P.Slippy: But..but I am not! (has normal expression)
I said stop pulling faces!! This is the army!!! not a place to clown around! We're dead serious around here! Guards!!! take this one to the "Melvin" room.
Guard: Sir! there is a noise coming from the armory!
Commie bastards are at it again!!
(Walks to armory and listens)
P.Lili: Oh my god! its soooo huge.
P.Dakotah: I know right! do you want to touch it?
P.Lili: I can't! we will get in trouble.
(Door bursts open)
What the hell is going on here!!! You two better not be dropping pants because I will have your guts for breakfast you son'a' bitches!!!
P.Dakotah: Sir! We can explain.
P.Lili He just wanted to show me his big gun.
What!!?! What did you just say you pathetic excuse for a maggot!?
P.Dakatoh: I was showing her my RPG-7 Sir, I inherited it from my family.
Oh...Well carry on son, and make sure its properly loaded, you don't fire blanks or duds.
P.Dakatoh: Yes Sir!!
Private Lazaris: Sir!
What is it son?
Private Lazarus: Request permission to use the toilet Sir!
Request granted!! but do not flush, some idiot installed the black hole suction generator into the pipes, you pull that chain and you will be shitting you intestines out!!
Private Soulshroude: Sir! I need to go too.
Go!! before I change my mind.
What a bunch of runts, I could shit better recruits than this!! Hell, my shit's shit could!
Guard: Sir! Sir!! there has been an accident.
What!? Don't tell me some goddamn idiot has been playing with a load gun again!!
Guard: No, Private Lazarus flushed and now everyone who was in toilet has their insides....outside!!!
Why do I get the weird recruits!?!
COMMENTS
-
MistressAngelique
23:34 Dec 26 2016
Well you answered my question as to how your head was feeling today after that smashing show last night LOL!
Still have glass lying about, eh? Watch the feet! haha
As for New Years Eve/Day, how about smashing a bottle over your head while sober? See if it STILL does not hurt, because you were feeling pretty darn good last night! LOL!!!
MordrakusxMortalitas
00:38 Dec 27 2016
No bruises or anything, I feel terrific. I am badass after all haha.
I might consider that but I will need to get a sheet first since the mess was quite annoying.