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Here I sit in this dark abyss of a room, or it would be if not for the scarce source of light emitted from my phone as I listen to, "Alone I Break," ~ Korn.

It's true. Alone, I did finally break. If by finally, you mean over & over. Why must I be alone? I prefer it this way, yes, but I would make an exception for a nice mate- A truly morbid, dark soul, with the layered, still (maybe) beating heart of an angel. Someone who can make me tremble at a single stroke of their porcelain flesh against my tempered skin- and that is only in the context of a 'hand-touch'. I just want someone else who is alone and breaking to find me...so we can save eachother.



Until then, "Alone I (continue) Break(ing)."

I have never found much joy in life. That's why I am here, as an enigma of creation, trying to ascertain just what the Hell was it meant to be- me, my being.



As a child, I remember a fewv things most wouldn't at very early ages. I recall being say 2...and in a car seat. I recall being 6 and climbing a prickly, barbed fence in my relative's backyard, as it had a suspicious house behind it (no roads, no entries, just blocked off). I remember being entangled in barbs and prickles. I remember being hung upside down by my uncle about a lit fire place, burned and singed teasingly.



I remember a good portion of my ear being burnt off by cigarettes from a careless caretaker. I remember my ear...growing back.



I remember finding my father's house and being greeted by a woman. This woman kissed me lovingly and tenderly and looked exactly like me whereas my mother does not.



I remember being in relationships and holding true to my early life's things of promises and how they are sacred and not to be broken. I remember being told that love is pure and forever. I was told that cheating is wrong.



And so far, I remember 89 Cheating, promise breaking, love forsaking individuals whom are CO-FOUNDED at why I never hurt them and as to why I stayed with them so faithfully. I always replied, "I promised...."



Does that mean anything to anyone?



I remember never smiling at age 4, 5, 6, and even up until now for most of my life.



I never smile. I don't remember doing it. I don't remember how. I don't remember a faithful lover (oh, aside from the one who died before her time...or the one who turned to drugs and agitated her lung cancer...before cheating on me). I don't remember ... finding anything that I was promised in life.