The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Its becoming an everyday of my life to self destruction, yet am not doing it on purpose. The alcohol, sex and work and books are there to get away from my home and all the situation in there. Mind you, my home at this time is like any other broken home. An abused child who became numb, hollow and very very angry. Makes no sense? Neither to me, but that is how am feeling everyday. Numb, hollow and angry. Nothing satisfy me, nothing fill me up. Nothing calms my rage, but adrenaline and that happens only when I fuck up under the law's nose.



I work five times a week forfrom 18:00 till Midnight and sometimes in summer I happen to do the unwanted overtime for a bloody hour when all I want to do is sinking my mouth in a bottle of alcohol, be it Jack D, Vodka Ice, Tequila which later with it end up always in sex, Cocaine, up my nose, and then off for a pussy or a dick. Mostly I fucked where women. I did't want to end up pregnant, and also had a problem in trusting condoms. I do make the men use it, but for against sexually transmitted diseases, not for prevention of pregnancies. So fuck and chuck them all I did. No relationship was without a conrtact.



Today I will meet no girl. Just a sandwich with caviar and salmon from cafetteria, and off to home, bottle of kahlua, in my bag secretely hidden, but first thing first, let's get rid of these fucking clothes. Reek of sweat. I hated the job as a bar waitress. But hated or not, I did it with pride. No one was good and dedicated as me, and always very early, and always pristine, and done my job the best way I could. Fake interactions? Damn right! I faked interactions the moment, I started this job. My father told me if I hate the job, or not, it doesn't matter.Do it with pride. You do not like it? It's OK. Do it by keeping in mind that this job, will be your stepping stone toward your goal, or towards something that might throw you somewhere in between. And after two years, today is my last day. Today I quit.



I have no purpose in life, and life threw me a curve ball, like that in Harry Potter, while playing at their sport, and I just go swinging back and follow the ball, see where it takes me.



.....



Chapter 1.



Time is up. Time to go home and no I will not do the last day an overtime. I am not a work addict and no I am not addicted to the money, and I have enough of them. I threw one of the table covers on the hanger and went off to the locker room, leaving one of the bar waiters alone, which is a paybacksince he did that three times to me already. I went silently away and called my mother to pick me and she won't fucking answer the phone. What a bitch!!. Fuck her, I grab the second phone, and called one of my girlfriends more of a fuck buddy but to her I am a lover. Poor girl. She had attached herself to me emotionally, when in the contract it says, clearly not to fall in love with me or you are out. I called her, Annabelle, a married woman, who her husband beat her up and forv=ces her to fuck him and his friends from work and cook for them. I am too empty to feel sorry for her, but I have no idea why, people trust me with their personal shit.



I don't get it.



*Ring, ring,ring* " Hey baby, how are you? Missed me already hunnybun? " I wince whe she talk to me like that, but say nothing, besides I need her to take me home and something is telling me its going to be a long night. Too bad, dad still gives me a curfew, when I am already eighteen years old. Old fashioned much since I got tits and a vagina?



" Hey Annabelle. How are you hotlips? " And also there, the words, were meaningless. I never meant shit and sure don't care how she is. But with emotional people you better thread properly when it comes to emotions. " I am not so alright. He was pissed at me, for I do not know why and he slammed my face against the mirror. I so want to leave him, but I have nowhere to go. Can I sleep at your place?" For a moment, she took me by surprise, I nearly choked in taking too much air.I could hear, from her voice, that nothing is right. actually she is like... broken again. I met with her husband once when she told him, that I was her personal trainer." I can't babe. I live with my parents, They aren't big for any visitors or guests staying over. Sorry if I disturbed you. I will call a cab, have a goodnight." Could I be more bastard? Yes. "Wait, don't hang up. Where are you? " I was sitting my ass outside the hotel on the granite floor, head resting against the glass door. Looking at the beautiful dark but chilled up night, I replied softly more than I intended but I so do not care at the moment. " Am just finished from work" Didn't need to wait much for response. " Which hotel? " Closing my eyes for a moment I whispered yet somehow she heard me " Qawra Palace Hotel, Coast road, Qawra....." Breathing slowly, feeling that beautiful cold wind in the hot night, I feel so good and relaxing. Am I dying and went to somewhere peaceful? To Bahamas perhaps? Till I hear her again I came back to my place, " Wait for me baby. I am coming for you now. ". Guess I will have to wait a lot. she is from Sliema but it's weekend and the streets get wild and jammed with traffic. Oh well, I do not care. I bring out my Kahlua, and drank up two huge chugs down my throat. So delicious with the taste of coffee.



I was surprised when I saw her there all of a sudden with a blue dress, and guys and four girls that worked in the pizzeria and the same bar I worked came out to see where I was, not that they care, but I guess to see what I was doing and have a joke created on me. She came at me and from 40 years old woman, she looks only 30. Red auburn hair in pony tail, and her curves swaying like a hot woman ready to walk on the catwalk. She is hot. One of the guys tried to whistle at her and call her up, but I guess there his ego goes. Straight to the toilet. I try to stand up and manage, waiting for her .... or not ..going towards her as well as she is towards me, once we got closer, she pulled me and kissed me on my lips, and me knowing that most of the hotel that was working in the reception and Cafe' and those who were waiting, plus the customers..... I gave them more scene. I pulled her on me, grabbed one of her leg up and my other hand on her her and using my tongue on her visible enough for everyone to see, and their expression? Fucking priceless. We went away leaving them staring and got into her porsche 911 carrera S cabriolet, silver. I never intended to fuck rich women, but they seemed to be attracted to me. I got in to her car and we both latched out seatbelts and got out from the parking and off to home, or near.... Never show your fuck buddies your home. Specially in case they might turn in to stalkers.



Here how I met her and how we become connected sexually..



She was all skinny to the very bone, hardly ate anything, because her husband don't let her eat if nor, three times a week. He even beaten her to the pulp when she was pregnant with his child, telling her, she is not allowed to get fat. I didn't felt sorry when I saw her fragile at Sliema. Near Mark & Spencer. I bumped into her making her fall hard to the ground. I wanted to yell at her, but saw tears in her eyes. I just looked at her to see her get up on her own, only that she didn't . Her eyes looked pleading at me, only that I stared at her, till I fed up seeing her pathetic attempts to stand up and gave her a quick helping hand. And got away. Somehow, there was something weird about her but in an annoying way. I was too tired and had to be home before it rains. I love the weather when I am at home or at work, not here.



Once I got home, mother already is cooking. which is unusaul, since she started to act up and rebelling, against everything that my father needed to. Which is eat dinner at 18:00 so the food is early digested and he can lose weight and etc.. I was fine by eating at 19:00 if I was lucky, which I wasn't much. She was cokoing at 21:00 and that was annoyingly late for any normal dinner to be eaten and food is heavy at that hour or later. Today she seems to be in the mood to behave? Good, lets not ruin the moment and ask her if she needs me to help her. I wish not to, but knowing her temper, how much fast it can flare off to the roof.



After I asked her to help her, she said only one thing, to remove the clothes, that are hanging outside. I obliged. I put my father's and mine and her underwear and normal casual stuff in each of every room and my and dad's uniforms, to the utility room to be ironed later. I hate ironing my shirts so, I take it always the way it is on me, and when I used to arrive at work, I get into my casual tee, or a sweater, and give it to Peter, to iron it for me or to Godwin. Both of them at the laundrey cared to threat me well.



Then went up for a bath, then computer and then in bed for book reading and sleep.



Four days later I went to sliema for just a stroll, and then to Giorgio's coffee shop. Usually I hate it, its full of people and so is today, so I went off upwards and then went to a different road and into a very narrow path while up the steps. I have some more cash, I guess I could use a warm meal. Today mother was in a terrible mood and am not going to cook for myself and end up cooking for both of them. I sat down near the door only more inside at the wall so I do not feel cold. My black faded turtle neck sweater and jeans and denim jacket, is not enough. I had a shot of grappa with Hot chocolate and Ta Kris is awesome house warming, rustic restaurant. I didn't notice who came in. I was more focused on the menu and the soup in this cold sounds like a reasonable choice to me. I was bumped in, annoyed I looked up and there she was. I looked at her sternly, and heard her husband, call her way too nice and I know that tone too well. Too nice in public, towards the wife or kids or husband, means behing the closed doors, are bruising, broken bones, broken souls, silent screams and tears, and any kind of abuse.



Then the cunt told him that she knew me, and I was mad and shocked at her boldness to lie about me in my face at him, straight through her teeth. If she want a death wish, fine, just do not put me in between your domestic mess, bitch!! Then he came to face me calmly and asked if its that true. I saw in his eyes the venom he had for his wife. That anger that needs to lash out at somehow who was good ta take it in, and I know because I have the same kind of urge all the time. The same need to do so and am about to snap. I had no idea why the hell I did that, but I lied too and said I did know her yes. Then he asked me how I know her and I told him I am a personal trainer. Big fat lie but I am used to lie one after another and yet this was way too heavy. " Annabelle, why do you need a personal trainer?  " I could see the right muscle of his right eye that is twitching, getting more angry. " We can't afford her and also you do not need any advise. " There goes my stupid effort.... next time C please shut the fuck up, and mind your business. " Then there she goes again ... " But...but.... I need her. She was teaching me how to cook and teach me how to behave the way you want me and all. And she is free of charge. " Wait a friggin mimute. I have to lie for this nuts and I do not get anything in return? she got the nerve.....Now its me who is getting angry.. ready to spoil her plan. Till he accepted , but threatened her that if she does not improve, then we both get beaten. He said it whispering but I heard him well.



Woman, fuck you very much for putting me in a unwanted trap.



Neatly and sneakily she slid her number under my arm on the table...



Finally they left me alone but I did not order more. I stood up and paid for the hot chocolate and the shot, and off I go to drink somewhere else... I went instead to buy some clothes and new pair of shoes and off to the bus..



I didn't call her for two weeks, but then I did. We met again in Qawra this time and we went to a hotel, a cheap one, three star hotel and we talked calmly, but she mostly did the talk. I do not like to talk about my shit. The less I reveal the more I am protected. Somehow, she took off her jacket and I saw some of the bruises. Fresh ones they are. Her legs are not so neat either. I can see the whip marks. I asked her straight forward " Annabelle, what do you want from me? And you better come with an honest and concise reply. " She looked at me and got down on her knees towards me and asked me to give her a way to escape.. I stopped in mid way that I was going to drink my glass of tequila. I think she like me, was searching a place to go mentally far away in order to escape from the brutal reality that keeps hurting us, that keeps most of us in a vicious circle. But the way I know how to do it is mostly unhealthy. Cocaine, alcohol, sex, and BDSM.



" Sorry but am afraid you got the wrong person. The only way I can offer of sex of any kind. You are very heterosexual and your husband is abusive fuck, if you cheat on him and he finds out, he will kill us both. " Just as I stood up, she grabbed me at legs and with tears in her eyes and her croaked voice begged me so much to stay. She don't care what happens later with him, he will not know. She is ready to take any ticket, for an escape. Nothing is worst than being with a beast like him. Beast is too kind. He is a abusive insecure fuck.



I grabbed her chin and made her look at me, " Are you sure you are ready to have me, giving you sex, however I see fit?"                                                                                                             "Yes" She looked certain but I was not convinced.                                                                               " I will be rough and sometimes too rough, sometimes I have to punish you and sometimes I will be nice and sweet. depends my moods. I will write the contract right now and you have to sign if you agree, but you don't like, do not sign anything and walk away but never look at me again. Got it? " She nodded. Now please drink your coffee while I write up the contract.



After 30 minutes, I finished and read it three times till I was certain, that everything was in the right place. I called her, to come and sit on the other chair. WHich she did. She read the contract properly and thought it well for like another 40 minutes, which is a good sign, that at least she is reading it through and through and make sure to understand what is written. There were few questions like how will she know when to meet me, and I old her I will call her. She just have leave an email for me and delete it or write when is the next lecture etc..



Then from the reflection of the window I could see her signing in.I told her when she is ready to start, she replied even now. I told her to have a shower. I turned around and gave her, her privacy to strip off the clothes and her undies. After five minutes in the shower, I went in the bathroom and opened the curtain. Took off my shoes and my cellphone, wallet, and socks , went in the shower too. my hair and my clothes getting soaked but I didn't care.



She jumped when she saw me



I told her all is alright



That all is, is to be expected.



Told her to turn around



And she did.



Told her to lend me the shampoo



And she did.



I pulled her gently towards me and



Told her to keep her back towards me.



I removed her hair band,



Slowly I untangled her hair,



Massaging her head, while getting soaked



In the blissful of warm jets of water,



Applying all the shampoo in my hands



And



Massaging her scalp, notice



She got more than she should have



In her life, but continue to



Rub it in her hair, in a delicate way,



and I hear her soft moans,



Then I rinse her hair, slowly,



& ask her for the shower gel ,



She obliged.



I kept her back towards me,



Pulled her more with me,



Started to kiss her neck,



Sucking softly and careful,



Not to leave any marks,



Holding her in place and



Now kissing her left shoulder,



Then her right shoulder,



Going to the base of her back and kiss it



Up and small invisible hickeys



Up to her neck and



Back to the base,



Licking it all up,



In one stroke by swaying an S shape,



Made her hiss and moan



With want and need.



Then suddenly I pulled her back in



And grabbed her neck again,



With shower gel in my palms,



From her neck down to her



Breast bone,



To her breast,



So small and so crushed,



But keep playing with her breast



With her nipples.



While my hand is on her left breast,



With the right one, I go down



Down, Down,



Round, round, round in circles



On her stomach, slowly slowly



With my index finger



Now down, down,down,



To her pelvis, I rub gently



Up and down while I play with



Her ear, with my mouth.



I reached down, and I bent her more back to me,



Reaching her clitoris and her folds,



Erotically, I play, with them,



By tickling them,



Her body shaking with pleasure,



Now got her G spot and rounding on it.



I can hear her body for more.



I stop and wash her from the foam and the shampoo,



Threw one towel on the floor and told her



To wait in the room.



I went to lie on the bed,



Signed her to come to me.



She did.



Told her to come to sit her pussy in my mouth.



She did.



And I started to play with her folds,



With my tongue.



I sucked gently then hard



Repeated it for ages it seemed.



One orgasm



Two orgasms,



Third Orgasms



And four more.



I tapped her thigh to step off.



She did.



Told her to lie on her back



She did.



To open her legs as wide as she can.



She didn't see it coming.



Used my two fingers in her.



Made her gasp, and licked her pelvis



After she relaxed,



I made finger love to her body part,



Went on for more than two hours.



With more screams,



With more animalistic sounds



With more desire so hot



Enough to melt an aluminium.



It was beautiful



The things I was able to do to her.



More Orgasms.



Then I went away leaving her a paper message that I am gone and to leave me an email. Every once a two week we meet, but gave her a diet that she has to follow, whether her husband want or not.



Its been a week that I have not called her, and somehow I am on verge to need an escape. I met a cute girl. She is seventeen years old, blonde and green eyes. Slim ok and not much of a breast. Hell for me breast is not much of a factor but always prefered small ones than large ones. As a size was never a factor either. I never had a type except that she is a good cook and good at school and real common sense put at good use, definetly not an uptight sas. Not a snob either. She is a posh girl. Rich? Maybe, who knows. She is not that tall. She is only five foot one, no heel tyoe of feet. More of a flat footed girl. Loves Ballerina shoes. I saw her many times here at Valletta, and her hands are not so delicate. Which is good. Black, squared framed, spectacles. Pastel coloured clothes every time. She does not smoke, but I wonder if she drinks.... I can visualize her drinking, beer, sitting in lotus position naked there while I am with a sketchbook. I smile. I approach her and take her wallet without her knowing. When you are a klepto and you do it on purpose to steal the intended object from intended person is easy. Never fear that you are going to get caught, because if you become too nervous while you do it, things gets sloppy and clumsy & all go wrong. 



Now you say it's cause I need money, but wrong. I am in no need of money. I just have a strategy that moment. A fleeting moment? yes. An improviser. I improvise that very moment I plan things in baby step, because anything can happen between one plan and another and I need to move with the results of good and wrong repercussions. Fuck me if things goes always wrong, but wait.... they do always go wrong when I plan for a long run. So let's plan for a short one and see what happens, then once we see the result, we calculate, think, study, plan and execute. Being sloppy is not to be forgiving. Its to be punished, yet learnt from. But I got no time to learn at the momeny. Something is calling me and I need to execute. I managed to snatch her wallet and people can say alot about the objects they carry and also from the clothes and music and food, drinks, cigarettes, perfumes, way of thoughts, comes, with the objects they carry or use that moment. 



Her wallet is plushie, with animals keychain, and have some photos of her friends, some maltese lira, which I counted fifty in the fold, coins, and so many cards, shopping cards and one for the Hilton. Its a gold card, meaning the girl got money, because to have a gold card Hilton, you spend nights there, renting a room for a night or more, with full board. I also have a silver one too here with the gold. Means she gets, to party half days. Okay, she is not that uptight. Let's see her attitude now and her way of thought more clearly. 



I go to the table she was sitting at, and grab look at the people in the cafe' bar and no one is looking at me or the table and see around and no one is looking either. Good. I put the wallet there and then grab it again and give it to the cashiet at the bar, telling them someone left it there appearently. I ask for a black coffee, and a bottle of water, and go to sit down. I pull up my sketch book, and my pencils, and I can see its still very bright light, since its still in September and its only 16:00. I told my parents I will be at the City. Anywhere, as long I am not at home. I can feel her looking for her wallet and then I can hear the footsteps, towards the table, I am now sitting at, then goes to the bar, slightly smiling am still trying to sketch the salt and pepper shakers, that is on my table and seemingly lost in focus and there she looks at me, because she had sat the opposite chair and slowly, lifting my head up, see those eyes, looking at me, with a smile. " The Cashier, told me you found my wallet on this table, that in fact was sitting at. I want to thank you so much. " I nod and smile at her but say nothing. Her voice is hoarse and cute. 



Her voice is Hoarse



Her eyes are green,



And glassy with a smile



Her skin is light 



Peached Vanilla,



Wonder how it looks



With the blood smeared 



On her naked perky breast



Down to her belly



While she eats, strawberries



And drinking champagne,



Licking that full lips of hers,



And starts to want more than



Just blood. 



To start to want more than 



Just kill a someone



With her look



With her bite



With her beautiful 



White peach like vanilla.....



I am way fucked up but I want to corrupt this girl, to bend her to my will. In my world she may be an angel, that I am the monster. I am that demonic beast that want to taste her innocence and tear it apart with my claws, that would be my charm, with my fangs, that would be my caressing. I want to burn her slowly to be edible. It not making my heart beat faster. Its beating the normal rate. I am calm and not excited. Yet I am hungry to rip her apart slowly. We started to talk once every week we met and it's good. I am hungry but am very patient. Men like to hurry so when I want something from them, its easy. Well at least most of them. Ladies, well I am more careful. Their powerful feminine instinct can make them move far away from people like me, whithin good reasons. I would have wanted myself away too, if I am not different from me. Her name is Magdalene Perry. she is British, and been living in Malta for a long time. Her father is working in Liverpool, divorced by her mother who chose to live here somewhere in Swieqi,. I wonder why people keep opening up to me. I must have a very trusting face. If only they know, what goes in to my mind. Bit by bit I get to learn from her, went out with her and met with her usual circle of friends, very homophobic they are but she is not. She never kissed a girl before. Although she knows that am more man than not. It's just my body that is female. Not me. I was in her bedroom, her mother preparing for work and very very homophobe. Needless to say, she left her husband because he had been caught by her kissing another man, and flew away from him, taking away Mag. Now gone and Mag went to take a shower and me in her room and look around in her room without touching anything. Again on her bed, got my sketchbook and start sketching whatever came to my head. Its like a poetry picture. 



Than she came slowly, behind my back. I could feel her behind me, but acted aloof. Do not want to creep her out. I still want to play the game of cat and mouse, or more of a snake and mouse. But for fuck sake am way prettier than snake. Cat it is. She hugs me from behind and I can tell she has a towel wrapped aroung her body, I can feel her hardened nipples. The good in the female body is you can fake that you are horny like I do most of the time. I do never get horny with girls. But I do know how to fake it. I am so convincing. I hate it when someone hugs me from behind my back. It pisses me off, yet face is with the back of my neck, and hands on my arms and her breast rubbing on my back, I can feel the towel must have slipped off and her breast is bare. Any man would be over the moon yet I am tense just cause she is hugging me from behind. Not cause of her nakedness. Go figure. I am a complicated sick fuck. And when am about to push myself away from her grip, she speaks to me, enough to make me freeze in my place. " You know, I am feeling comfortable only with you. I am in peace with you. I do not feel judged. I can be naked here with you and I am safe from any judgement. " I don't look but I can see from the corner or my eyes, that her towel, went on the carpeted floor. I take a silent deep breath and close my eyes. Then I tell her, " You do not know a person deep enough not even if you spent all your life with her or him. " I am about to leave, till she stops me. " Where are you going? do you feel uncomfortable with me naked? " Shaking my head, " No Mag, I just need to go hime and rest. " I said it like I am joking of course. But it was a bad idea. She grabs my hand and pull me on the bed or trying, only that I am resistent. " Please stay and rest your head. Don't go. I do have friends but only you can never make me feel alone. " I sit down and then I feel the pressure on my shoulders to lay down and, I could see the mound of her breast from underneath. Good view and I feel sleepy.Yet suddenly I feel her lips on my forehead, then my cheeks, my nose, my chin and now my lips.. I open my eyes slowly, and see her coming down on me again and on my lips. She does it again till I respond back with another. Mag smiled and said its ok. She liked it. I am trying to see where this is going. Only suddenly I do not care anymore as long as she does not touches inside my clothes. If she does, I'll get pissed. She knows that I hate it and no way to change my mind. She kisses me again only this times she uses her tongue on my lips, licking them deliciously, enough to make me open my mouth, and sucking on her tongue and do the same to her that she did to me. Her hands comes on my chest. I become a bit nervous, then she comes full on me by giving me, access to her neck, then she changed her positition, by putting a fat pillow under my head, so she can straddle me and completely naked. Full view of her body. She told me that she is still a virgin. I can't tell of course and I so don't care. She takes off my spectacles, and put them on the dressing table carefully, and she straddle me again, by inviting me to touch her. Took my both hands slowly and had put them on her perky breast. It feels good. They are soft. Soft like marshmallow. Her nipples are peach colored. I am only massaging her breast. Somehow she is enjoying it. She is swaying her body in circles. If I had a cock, she would enjoy the feel but I only got a bloody vagina. Not much for her. But her pussy is rubbing on my zipper, amd my hands making her moan. She said " Can I have your mouth? Here?" She wants me to suck on her breast? Okay. 



I try to sit up but she pushes me down gently and tell me that she will do it for me. I mean what the fuck?? Then I see it. She sits more on the button of my jeans and her breast comes with my face. I start to kiss one on the left, gently and keep rubbing the right nipple in circles and erotically. She smells of honey n' milk. Now i know what she uses for a bath or shower gel.Mag told me she is more of a bath girl. With my tongue I play with her inside right of her breast, then underneath, to the outside left, then the top slowly to the nipple. I can see she is enjoying it, cause she keeps gasping and a nice O on her lips, and sweating of lust. Sucking on it gently then hard, then biting with my lips, suddenly a bit grazing with my teeth. She is moaning a bit more. She is starting to touch my chest and I told her not to thing or try to put her hend with my bare skin. I grab her waist and do the same to the right breast. Mag is over the top with her voice, full of lust. She had an orgasm for just playing with her breast. Her breast is sensitive. Receptive. Now she is trying her best to dryhumping me by using my belt with her clit and it seems its working. I tell her to her her back, backward on my legs and she did. But she pushed herself more towards my reach, and bent herself back to relax. Her nub is nice and pink. I start to play with her folds, then, with her clit, her precious nub. Its so wet and slick. I ask her to do me a favour. To sit o my mouth. She wasn't confident at first. I told her to wear her knickers. She picked a blue velvety knickers and put them on slowly. I helped her to put her beautiful legs, well openly spread and her sexy blue covered pussy on my face, slowly guiding her to my mouth, while she hold on to the bed head. Her pussy smells good. Slick with sweat of lust, wanting of sex, yet smells of milk and honey. I start to trace the folds with my tongue and in circles. my hand os on her tight round ass, and the other on her mound, while my mouth slowly devours her pussy, her wet drenching pussy. Mag have a sexy voice when she moans, with animalistic voice and screams when she is euphoric and blissful when she comes. She came more than once in same position. I did not want to finger her on me. Cause if she is really a virgin, and would bleed, that would mess my clothes up. I stopped for tonight. I told her to keep her knickers. Not that I care, But I wanted to wash it myself. I picked up my stuff and went home. 



What's wrong being gay? He was following his own nature. His own deep need to explore that side of him, but it was never accepted. Mag and her brother Anthony. They are twins. He is gay like his father, ...well his father is still exploring so lets say he is bisexual, but his son is definetly gay. When their mother Marisa, found out, wanted to kick her son to navy seal corp, but their father Steve, refused, telling her, she will only push him away and that is never good. He is a psychiatrist, so he knows. He knew how his son exhibited different attitude than other boys. In England the word Pufta is very well known and offensive yet direct, a bit more polite yet still bit offensive, but not aggressive is Queer. God knows how many boys bullied him, when he was going to school there and his mother put him in football club, to participate in a man's sports, cause he was being all girly and playing with his sister and her friends. Marisa only wanted her son to be more boy and butch than feminine. You can't smother someone's true nature. It will only become bigger and stronger but if you kill that nature, you wyill kill the person inside, by turning him or her completely hollow. That's exactly she nearly reduced him to. Only that since he was 16, she wanted to bring him too, but left to London so she can't find him. But had sent a message to his sister, telling her that he is alright. His father is with him now.Begged her not to tell their mother. Hearing all this, left me speechless but still empty. Not much enticing. 



My parents are going to be pissed at me for being late. For fuck sake, its only 20:00 ... but go and tell them. She asked a friend to take me home and paid him. 



Although in the dark, her cheeks are rosy blush from the sexual ecstasy, and smells of sex. Poor girl. She doesn't know that I am a beast ready to take whatever I want and leave destruction in my wake. ...







Chapter 2....



Having hard time to situate myself around my family. My cousins are all great in school and are great to socialize with people. I on the other side I fake interact, I pretend to be someone else and pretend to feel in a way it helps 2% of not feeling so empty yet deep inside I know that is not going to change anything. Too much dose of the family or society is quite suffocating to me. Yet I am so good to interact and still feel empty. I smile with my lips and eyes and yet Zero inside. I look sad, and still feel Dead. Look in love and yet dead. Its a skill I had to learn to walk in the society world and still not be part of it without anyone noticing. Am good at sport and psychological debates. I am great in lying stealing and conning people out that is disturbing to any other people's eyes, but not people like me



I step on everyone's toes lightly and so slighty that No one notices me much. I am an odd ball in this country. I don't fit anywhere yet I can walk and be part temporarily in any group if I pretend. Very observative people will notice, but those who aren't, I will be okay yet annoyed.



I do enjoy being invisible to do what I know best, but I am so void..... If I get a needed attention from a needed person, maybe I won't feel so lonely, so hollow.



Dad seams to be blind to my needs but he is not so blind in seeing my attitudes, and my personality. "C, why are you being so hard to be understandable? Try to help me out in seeing why you have this impossible attitude toward me, the world. " what if I had said that mum, raped me couple of times? What if I said that Clara told the class mates to break me just cause the Aussie boy chose me to befriend? That they gang raped me nearly everyday, used small amount of electrocution, and used a metal tube inside my vagina and violently that today I can't bear any penis or much of a pinky finger inside?



I am so broken to pieces. I never got myself back to normal again but I pretend that I am. I had shut down at the age of five. I do not remember at all why I did. But I felt a bit more comfortable sitting with my dad all the time, and not with other adults, nor with cousins. I felt nothing for them. I do not even love them. And respect..... I respect those who deserves it. The eldest cousin get most of my respect. He is one true alpha among cousins and took well care of everyone, but I respect him for what he is and what he is made of mentally.....



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