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Good morning all. How it's going? life is not going on well. my health deteriorates day by day and at times I can hardly walk.

soon it's a holiday that whole world who believes in Christmas as religious or festivity and gifts and family and friends day to celebrate. For me it's more noise and money spent on a normal day.



You may think I am dull but the truth is I am just a human being with different perspective and point of view. my holiday days wanted to spend it in Italy. somewhere nice like Rome or Toscana in a opera or a nice movie in a cinema. dinners are only god to make me fatter. like am not a fat already.

people here already call me piggy or cow for how big I am. I am not on diet. I won't be for other people's eyes and satisfaction. but I refuse to get any bigger or I will be in trouble with my health and clothes to buy.

New year's eve I like to celebrate yes. Halloween and new years eve only I like. Halloween it's fun to be something scary and ask for candies from door to door and go to the parties.

life ain't easy I know that for sure. It's easy to die. haha people die everyday. its living that it's tough. but of course everyone knows that.

What would I do to be in Italy, opera theatre with a bottle of most exquisite red wine and bruschetta and hearing the music flowing inside out of me. nothing keeps me warmer. well yes the bed does haha. but that moment is pure indulgence then going to a house of Italian rich people or normal people and drink and have a midnight supper and say silly things and laugh like fools. its what I call the night of white satin.

early morning again. shit. will this never end?

my back hurts and my arms are bit injured. yup life sucks.



today I got noooo idea what I will do for lunch but something to do with aubergines (eggplants) I will create something. I just need a good, new and fresh idea. stuffed or pasta or stew or mixed in pie stuffiness I know about. We shall see. don't know.



I hate cooking but at times I got to cook to make new dishes and less mess in the kitchen. my father when he cooks I get a heart attack. He make such a mess and you can guess who got to clean after him. I already am suffering too much with physical pain. I don't want more than necessary.

people ask me many times if I ever wanted to settle down and have a family. my answer is still no.and remains no.

I am the type of 'Fuck them nd chuck them' .

I have been through that yes. It was bitter and took me over two mental rehabilitation years to heal and get over it. The problem in being in love with a person who use your feelings to do what they want and chuck you once they are fed up from having the same pie or bread is bitter to no end. But the difference is I tell them from the start. " don't fall in love with me cause you will be brokenheart before you even know it. I can't love you and I will not love you. I want you just for sex. to keep the body away from the stress and frustrations. to keep it warm. to tire me out mentally and physically. and when I say it's finished, the arrangement is ended. and I will see other people to have fun with too. so don't fall in love with me or you will be damned. " I had over 600 girls and 2 guys as lovers in 1 year round. none of them went away unfriendly.



I am the type to never settle down. never seek love. love is a plague to me. something to be running away from. I got great reasons. For years I had been shown love is twisted and turn people to do foolish and crazy things. I want nothing of that. and no kids. I want to be running free. The only responsibility is me and me alone. I am a very handful person. hard to handle by anyone. I, myself alone can do this. Will do this. The rest of the world stay out of it.

For I am a lone alpha.

Morning. who likes mornings? certainly not me since I am not a morning person. never been and never will be. my mother and father tried to ingrain it in me on weekends apart school days but resulted a failure. my body worked like a robot and my brain were in auto pilot. my mind work well from 4pm.

when I started to work as a cashier in a hotel lounge bar evening only worked well for me apart the staff were nasty towards me from the start.

6pm till midnight. mornings sleeping. what a bliss. my day offs to the beach swimming in summer and winter in bed or in Valletta shopping or strolling around bookshops and other shops to write on my wish list to buy once I get my salaries full time. yet never early mornings.



then a waiter and still no early mornings. at 10 am only and not before I wake up.

When I started school at age 21 I woke up early gladly cause things at home were not right for me so once I was out early to school I slept in the cubicles. yes in the cubicles. early mornings these were clean and yet cold brrr or the cafeteria. I put vodka in my teas in the mornings to keep warm and slip off to dream world for another 2 hours.



life now not been good to me since early mornings came back but to no avail. I will always be a night owl person not morning creature.

Today I cooked pasta con pancetta (smoked pieces of bacon) tomato pieces and garlic in chilli and wine. who wants a taste?



3 large garlic cloves

4 large tomatoes and ripe

1 glass of dry white wine

1/4 glass of olive oil

2 punches of pancetta

1 punch of parsley

1 punch basil

2 tablespoons of chilli paste or seeds

salt and pepper

250g pasta.



first pour the oil in the pan and add garlic and add chilli and stir till its coming golden, then add pancetta and herbs and continue to stir for 3 minutes or 4. finally add tomato, glass of wine and stir and to finish pinch of salt and pepper.



boil the water while choosing pasta of your choice. but preferably spaghetti or tagliatelle or fettuccine is best then when it came to its boiling point add the pasta slowly so you won't get burned, stir and add 1 tablespoon of cooking oil so it want become sticky. After that stir for 5 minutes not more than rinse it from the water and add it immediately to the pan with the mix and switch on the cooker on very low heat and cook for 2 minutes only while stirring then prepare to dish it out.



bon apetit everyone.



who liked this send me letters or comments. Both are welcome

I don't know which is worst. or being accused or accuser. since I was born I had been accused for many things, that I can't even count on my fingers anymore.



I had been accused to bring unhappiness, to bring troubles and also the cause of depression to my mother. she never loved my father but she wanted to be loved. she is not greedy. she simply wanted love. she loved her same gender. nothing wrong I assure you but those old times in a small island and very Catholic like Malta brings severe troubles to the families and shame and disgrace. so she had to shut up and was to be married. when she got pregnant she had no out. She couldn't abort me. abortion is illegal in Malta. The Pope of Rome still think it should remain illegal. I agree only to that with Catholic church, as abortions are murders to me. and she could not throw me away.



I had been accused of being stupid and retarded, ugly and odd ball.

when I became a teen I had been accused of being fat, retarded again very much on these two and unwanted. Unloved.

when I came on 16 to 18 I had been accused as filthy faggot. cause I had played around with girls. of course I was not stupid enough to come out as transgender.

then on 20's rebellious, fag, junkie and drunken ugly thing. And I did not had drugs. I was clean. but being to my previous past...... people never seem to forget what we did wrong but what we did good deeds yes forgotten.



then on 24th I had been called no gender shit or penis less boy. booby sans penis boy. and worst and schizophrenic, disillusioned etc...

and if only I open my mouth to say one truth everyone retaliate altogether. so I ask again which is worst? being accused or the accuser? can I ever rest?

COMMENTS

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frozenVheart
19:06 Dec 02 2014

omfg retarded ppl... i really hate when everyone know how to be mean,blame,despise,insult...,most of the time about things that they have no idea how it is..if everyone would put his/her soul into shoes of a person which have they just insult it..maybe that person would think twice before they open their stupid mouth...i just hate when i hear something like this...



u r amazing person and good friend ..hugs..

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