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I am melancholy tonight. So many things racing through my mind. Death, life, love, hate, despair, joy, damages and healing. So many contradictions in a lifetime. It is tiring, not just physically but mentally and spiritually. I'm tired tonight. It is one of the many nights when I question if my life is really worth it. What have I contributed to the world? Have I made it better in some small way? Or worse in many different ways? How many people have been hurt by me in my lifetime that I may not even be aware of? How many times have I been hurt by someone who never even knew they hurt me?



It is tiresome, this life we lead. Tonight, I cannot bring myself to care overly much. Hence the melancholy. My spirit is tired...I have been through much these last few years. Loss after loss after loss. I find I do not feel anything. Just numb most of the time, other times I rage, If I am neither numb nor angry...then comes the melancholy. Here I am...where I started.

A family friend recently passed. Her loss is felt so keenly as she was such a wonderful person. My sister went to school with her oldest daughter and I was in the same class as her two younger girls, twins. I grieve for them as I know how hard it was on me to lose my dad and they've lost their mom, who was their whole lives. I am so sorrowful I almost cannot stand it. She was such a kind and generous person. I know how much pain her daughters and her grandkids are in. I just wish there was something we could do to make it easier for them to bear...but I know there isn't. They have to find their own way through the despair. It's never easy and more times than I'd care to count, I just wished to lie down upon my dad's grave and grieve myself to death. Like me, they'll go on for their kids, which is all we can do. I just wish sadness such as this never had to touch people. Treasure the ones you love and tell them often, so there will never be any regrets. Blessed Be.

I love storms. I love listening to the thunder, watching the lightening play across the sky. I love hearing the wind and the rain hitting the windows.



There is something wild and untamed about a thunderstorm....the way it darkens the sky, the way nature's unbridled passion breaks through and slams things to earth.



It feeds something elemental deep inside me. It brings forth my passion...my intensity. It is frenzy and fierceness...and it mirrors the turmoil I feel inside. The thunderstorm and I...we are kindred, connected...and then, suddenly, the rage is gone and the calm, quiet night unfolds again. Tame....controlled.



I am saddened by it's loss and welcome the rage of the next thunderstorm...