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I'm a total mess already. He's leaving tomorrow and I didn't get to say good-bye.

Down, down, down I'll spiral...

My heart hurts, I'm falling apart. Like Bobby said, I let boys ruin my life. Damn them! lol.



6 more days until he's gone.

I feel it hitting me already. This is going to be a long, hard, drawn-out one. So please just bear with me because I'm probably going to be in a horrible mood for a couple weeks. :(

While I thought I still had two weeks, I found out today I only have one. I was supposed to see him this weekend, but we ended up not being able to have free time at the same time, so that was ruined...

Just a few short days before he leaves to go across the country. I'm telling you, as much of a wreck as I may be sitting here and crying right now, it's going to be nothing compared to what I will be once he's really gone.

I've been having dreams about him lately. Lovely and horrifying at once. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not falling in love with him. What a mistake that would be!

Soooo...



The basement here at school would be the PERFECT place for a zombie movie, I really do believe it. I've actually thought it for the past two months... Sometimes I get a little freaked out going down there, just waiting for one to jump out. But I think I have an overactive imagination. :) I love it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 5.

Because I'm the "baby" of the family, my parents have a tendancy to treat me like a child, not to mention I don't feel that I'll ever fit in with my older siblings.

I like bubbles and candy necklaces, coloring and crafts.

I love dresses and make-up and singing.

I feel like I'm a 5-year-old sometimes.

I'm also afraid to disappoint everyone by acting my age; I'm afraid they'll see through the very much cracked child exterior into my true self. It's pretty scary. I don't want to be a failure, but I don't want to have to act like a child. So I continue being myself, torn as I may be.

Sometimes I HATE you. I hate you because I like you, I hate you because I love you, and I hate you because I allow you to hurt me! You don't even have to try, your words just flow like daggers straight at me. And it is all ridiculous! You are leaving in two weeks and I'm going to be a complete mess. There is never going to be an "I'll miss you" from your mouth. You take and take and take and I don't know how much more I can give. You drive me crazy and you tear me apart and I can't deal with it anymore! You are just like him, except he loved me! Ugh! You know for a fact and pretend you don't because you want to look "cool" in front of your friends. Isn't it sad that, in the few months we've known each other, I know more about you--the real you--than your friends of years do? So just stop pretending, you're so unconvincing! It makes me sick! Because of it, you're going to be unhappy for the rest of your life and you will only have yourself to blame! I'm sorry that I liked you, I'm sorry that I may love you, I'm sorry that you confuse the FUCK out of me! It was never my intention for any of this to happen. It wasn't even my intention for what you thought you knew would happen to happen... I was joking, I was playing, I was having fun. I don't know WHY I've done what I did... It almost makes me sick. I'd like to blame you, I'd like to blame him, but I can't. It's not going to help anything. I'm going to fall apart when you're gone. I'm going to go insane and stop handling life... I don't know WHAT I'm going to do. I will sit here and cry and pretend it's all okay, even though it's not. And it's going to eventually kill me, like the mere thought of him kills me every day. I hate this. I hate you... Maybe I even hate me.

I have a paper due in less than 12 hours. I've only got 2 pages to go, single-spaced. The problem is that I not only have not read the book that the paper is to be on, but I do not have the concentration or motivation to work on the paper right now.

Not to mention that tomorrow (today) is supposed to be COLD outside and I HATE the cold! My window is already a little frosty-looking, which is am not at all happy about. I think tomorrow would be a good day to stay in bed! Alas, I cannot for I have to go to my dreaded classes!

I am, however, looking forward to the weekend and seeing my father and Dean... :) Hopefully I'll even get to see Josh before he leaves to Texas!

Alright, screw the paper, I want to go to bed.

I am now a part of the greatest coven ever!

Thank you to everyone who is a part of it because you are all amazing and wonderful and I couldn't be happier to be with you!

So I'm a little bummed that I haven't been inducted into a house/coven. I mean, I realize that I'm not on very often anymore, but it's because there's just not much to do... I've been at Caitiff status for what seems like an eternity. If I don't step up soon I think I'm going to scream.