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It was two years ago, to the day, that I was standing naked in my bathroom…which by the way, is one of the two most preferred rooms for nudity, according to most vampires.

I’m not at all sure the reason for the nudity…perhaps a shower…perhaps I had just woke…perhaps I was merely feeling wild and free…but in any event…there stood I…unsuspecting…ignorant to the possibilities of such a vulnerable state.

I coughed…there was no straining of any kind...the cough wasn’t of the dedicated smoker variety…I wasn’t red faced and hacking up a lung. This was a tiny simple every day small clearing of the throat cough…a “Ahem” really...it wasn’t even deserving of a covering fist over my mouth and the cough wasn’t a multiple…it was a single…again small…“Ahem”.

Do you understand? On the “Universal Cough Scale”…that being 1 to 10 with 1 being the least and 10 being the worst…I would estimate this cough would be rated at a…-1. It’s almost embarrassing to even call this single cough…a cough. If what ensued after hadn’t happened, I might not have noticed I coughed at all…it was minuscule…an “Ahem”...absolutely forgettable…cough.

That’s when the Alien tried to escape from my abdomen…that’s exactly what it looked like. We all remember the scenes from the “Alien” movies when the creatures start to burst from the hosts’ bodies…that first push that stretches out the flesh…the creatures head poking upward.

Cough…~BLOOP~.

A number of thoughts and feelings went through my mind as I gazed down at the, easily golf ball sized, protuberance. First was disbelief of what I was seeing…I mean…it’s not every day an interior organ tries to escape from my body. Then came the “Alien” connection and I chortled. Then my mind snapped back to the seriousness of the situation and I scanned my extensive mental folk remedies and came up with nothing…no mental files on extruded intestines. Then I realized I had no pants that would accommodate extruded intestines. Then apprehension and revulsion engulfed me, knowing what I was about to do. All that went through my mind in a time span of, roughly, 2 seconds.

What did I do?!

I pushed the goddamn thing back in! I held my palm hard against my abdomen, waiting to see if pain of some sort was forthcoming. I stood still…nothing was pushing back against my palm, but knowing how little was required to start this incident...I mean, it wasn't like I was lifting a car off a family member...I was fearful to take my palm away.

See…this is one of the moments when it sucks to be alone because there was no one I could call out to for aid…”HONEYBUNNY! MY INTESTINE IS POKING OUT!”…anyway…

Eventually…slowly…like unbuttoning a woman’s blouse…I took my hand away. There was no pain and nothing poking out. My abdomen was flat…flat abdomens are good. I rocked and shook my hips first slowly and then with growing confidence vigorously…I jumped up and down…nothing.

I’M GOOD!

So...I'm performing a deep cleaning on the interior of my hearse...as I'm gathering and disposing of assorted trash, I insert a McDonald's Fillet of Fish sandwich box into a fast food paper bag from Wendy's...I held my breath...nothing happened...

I've completed a build on an industrial battery...a tremendous build...a great great build...probably the greatest build ever built on an industrial battery...beautiful...now the time has come for me to package this Excellence Award worthy industrial battery and ship it to what will certainly be a more than satisfied customer...a very satisfied and impressed customer, I have no doubt...

I have transported this magnificence to the packaging area and began carefully selecting my packaging materials as to match the level of professionalism that has been achieved thus far...

Line 2 is 30 feet, or so, behind me and from Line 2 I hear a voice scream..."HEY MR. TU!"...I turn and see a Line 2 employee giving me “The Finger”...

I acquiesce to manufacturing etiquette and return the gesture twofold...this is Factory Life...

Getting old and cranky over the years, I've simply allowed my hair to grow out to one single length and I pull it back into a ponytail and then secure with a black elastic hair tie. No haircuts...no fiddlefucking around...easy...beautiful...smart.

I think you all know the ties of which I speak and won't be surprised to learn of “Delayed Sprong”. See...sometimes when a black elastic tie is pulled off, the tie can, at first, stay in a tangled tiny ball and then after a few seconds, springs into it's relaxed circular shape...this phenomenon is known as “Delayed Sprong”.

Now...my bathroom is the most preferred room for black elastic hair tie removal and tonight was no exception. There I stood...using the facility...unaware of my vulnerability...I reached back...pulled the black elastic hair tie from my hair and then set it on the sink beside me...it stayed in a tangled tiny black ball.

As I continued facilitating, my peripheral vision saw the “Delayed Sprong” and screamed at my mind...”SPIDER!”.

I twitched...okay, I violently twitched...no, it wasn't a jerk...a violent twitch...in any event...I momentarily peed on the toilet seat and floor.

Now I have to bubble scrub the bathroom...bullshit...

COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
17:58 Sep 15 2021

They make medicine for that…

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POST COMMENT

Years ago I bought black dishware, shiny beautiful black dishware, I thought that shiny black dishware would look elegant when I had dinner guests...please...let me have my delusions.

That's 4 shiny black dinner plates...4 shiny black dessert plates...4 shiny black bread and butter plates...4 shiny black soup plates...4 shiny black soup bowls...and 4 shiny black appetizer plates. Let me tell you, these accompanied by tasteful silverware makes for one hell of a great looking table setting! Oh and the premium glassware...don't forget the premium glassware...perfect!

Two days ago I scrapped chicken wing bones into the trash and then walked to the sink to clean that beautiful shiny black dinner plate. As I neared the sink, a mere step, somehow I started to drop it...two things happened simultaneously...

...my hand instinctively snatched at the shiny black dinner plate and the shiny black dinner plate hit the edge of the sink and shattered...let me tell you about a shattered shiny black dinner plate...

...the edges are sharper than razor blades! The snatching and shattering produced a deep cut all the way up my left hands middle finger...DEEP...all the way up the middle finger...DEEP...easily could have been to the bone! It took 48 hours to totally stop the bleeding...48...HOURS! And that's with the healing power of Neosporin and Tank Level Bandaids!

This is yet another example of why being alone can suck, there would be no...”HONEYBUNNY! I'M BLEEDING!”...I had to save myself...BUT...DEEP TO THE BONE BLEEDING lacerations and being an old alone hermit is not what this post is about...although it should be...what this post is about is this...I now have...

...3 shiny black dinner plates...4 shiny black dessert plates...4 shiny black bread and butter plates...4 shiny black soup plates...4 shiny black soup bowls...and 4 shiny black appetizer plates...

...it's already driving me insane...

COMMENTS

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LadyOctoberia
23:30 Sep 11 2021

I'm sorry this happened to you , hope you heal fast!

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MeanMeanMrTu
02:03 Sep 12 2021

Lol thank you...

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xxTittySprinklesxx
03:07 Sep 12 2021

I am sorry that happened to you.

The odd plates out would absolutely drive me completely nuts within days.
Like a heartbeat thumping under the floor boards, slowly driving me into a psychotic break.

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InfiniteStars
03:07 Sep 12 2021

your welcome

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CEJ
20:19 Sep 12 2021

I have one plate, one cup, one bowl and one knife, fork, spoon and teaspoon. I like to keep things simple.

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MeanMeanMrTu
22:37 Sep 12 2021

Wise...

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XbluesandX
13:43 Sep 13 2021

Ahh… OCD. Sorry, I can’t relate.
You’d hate to know my dishware consists of 13 different plates of blue. I just counted… an odd number too. When shopping, if I notice a beautiful blue plate I buy it… just 1. Some are square, some are round, I even have a Kate Spade plate that’s not perfectly round. Omg… the madness!! It does make for a beautiful Bohemian Chic place setting…. Just my style.

And sorry to hear about your finger. Hope it’s healing nicely.

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MeanMeanMrTu
22:50 Sep 13 2021

Thank you!

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For the last month, or so, we've had a young pregnant woman helping out in midnight's Industrial Finish. She is on Medical Removal from her place on Line 2...her blood lead level is very high, beyond OSHA safe levels, so my employer has to move her temporarily to my area, a low lead area, until her lead levels go down. She is not officially being trained as a Finisher.

Just this week we've had a young man transfer into midnight's Industrial Finish and is being officially trained as a Finisher.
This young man's father also works in midnight's Industrial Finish, but he toils in Dropping...in my area the production hierarchy is Dropping...Assembly...Finish...so the father is not in the immediate vicinity...in any event...at the end of the shift the father stops me in the locker room and says...

“Hey Mr Tu! You training the new girl in Finish?”.

Well...see...I think he's kidding around about his son...blowing some shit...guys do that sort of thing...so I say back...

“Ha ha hahaha...no, I'm not...Doug is training your boy.”

He just stares at me...nothing is being said...a pregnant pause...it takes me a few seconds to realize...then I say...

“Oh! You are taking about the young pregnant girl!”

He says...“Yeah!”

I say...”She's not being trained as a Finisher, she's just on Medical Removal from the line!”...”I thought you were talking about your son, hahaha ha ha ha!”

He says...“No.”

I went home...