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3 entries this month
In The Kitchen Tips and Tricks with Mr. Tu17:04 Sep 27 2013
Times Read: 559
OMG! My fat and juicy breakfast T-bone steak has finished being broiled to perfection…grizzle hot and steaming…my mouth watering and nostrils flaring, my stomach screaming in anticipation of a cavalcade of carnal bliss!
WAIT! OMdoubleG!! I don’t have a clean dinner plate!! I can mystically sense your panic…but…whooooa…Ah ha ha haaaa…settle down now…I’ll be just fine!
See…yesterday…when I ran headlong into this dinner plate dilemma...I squirted a dollop of Ivory Liquid on the least resistant to washing dinner plate I could find…sure….sure…such was a hassle and a time waster…but…with a little elbow grease I was back on the fast track to noshing.
Now most people, after washing that dinner plate, would repeatedly rinse that wash cloth free of Ivory Liquid…but…here is where 57 years of culinary invention, stealth and savvy comes into play…I don’t! I simply hang that wash cloth over the faucet, still heavily laden down with Ivory Liquid, and let said wash cloth dry.
NOW…when this “No Dinner Plate Dilemma” rears its ugly head, all I have to do is turn on the hot water…grab said dinner plate and wash cloth and start scrubbing! The dormant Ivory Liquid that has been imprisoned now comes to life! I call this practice…”Auto Soaping”.
In a flash I was watching “Iron Man 3” and gorging.
I have found a wash cloth primed for “Auto Soaping” will perform unfettered for at the very least 5 Auto Soaps.
Bad Parenting with Mr. Tu17:18 Sep 12 2013
Times Read: 571
I think my son was possibly 4…maybe 5…perhaps 3…I don’t know…he was little and he had this irrational fear of slides. I couldn’t convince him it was fun…I’d say….”It’s fun!”…and he would say…”NOOOOooooooooooooo!”.
Even the teenniest tiniest miniscule little slides were a no go…I’d say…”The stairs you fell down were higher than that!”…and he would say…”NOOOOooooooooooooo!”.
Finally one time at a park I convinced him to at least climb the ladder and look down…I said…”Don’t fret, I’ll be right behind you.”…he said…”Okay.”.
As he sat at the top of the slide looking down, I said…”Doesn’t sliding down look like fun?”…he said…”NOOOOooooooooooooo!”…so…I pushed him.
Couldn’t get the little bugger off the slides after that.
I Thought…IWASGOINGTOHAVEAGODDAMNSTROKE18:51 Sep 07 2013
Times Read: 597
OMG…I know…I know…I don’t have to tell anyone on planet earth how incredibly irritating dealing with an automated voice/service system is…but…I’m going to.
If I answer my telephone…and that’s a big…“If”…if I answer my telephone and I hear an automated voice…BANG…I hang up! IMMEDIATELY! END…OF…STORY! There is no grey area here…this is black and white…BANG..I…HANG…UP…BANG! I don’t care if I’m getting a heads up about the end of the world happening in a half hour…BANG…I…HANG…UP! You can take this to the bank…this is set in stone…not on the table for discussion, nor debate…BANG…IHANGUP! And let me add here…I LOVE slamming that telephone back in its cradle…BANG…I’m actually amazed my telephone still operates…BANG!
Friday night…THE Friday night of the past big holiday weekend…4 day holiday weekend…my wifi modem goes KEEEYyyYYYYRRRrAAAaaaaZEEEEE…of course…I don’t actually know it’s the modem…so…what that means is…I spent hours upon hours of jiggling wires…checking connections…swearing…jiggling more wires…replacing cords from old ones I have in my kitchen cabinet “Tool” drawer…swearing…pinching the bridge of my nose…then kicking the wires underneath my desk…no good…nothing.
I think to myself…*This ethereal cord feels a little too wiggly jiggly…it must be bad.*…so…being the crafty little fucker I am, I hustle my ass to Radio Shack at 9 am sharp and buy a new one…I hustle my ass back home and connect my brand spanking new ethereal cord…no good…nothing.
Now I think to myself…*This new ethereal cord still feels pretty wiggly jiggly…the jack in the computer must be bad.*…so…I call my Computer Wizard and inquire to the possibility of having a new ethereal jack put in. He says…”Sure no problem, bring it down and we can do it right now.”….”GREAT!”…I say. So…I tear down my system and rush straight down there. 30 minutes later I’m back and re-connect everything…no good…nothing.
I start getting a headache.
After hunting down the appropriate number I call the service center and get their automated voice system. I take a deep breath…calm myself…then navigate my way to the end and finally get transferred to a REAL person…THANK GOD!!
Did you know they can check all your connections from where ever the hell they are? They can! The guy finally says to me…”I’ve checked all your connections and units and it appears your wifi modem is corrupt.” ( I look at my wifi modem in disbelief. )…then he says…”I’ve called your areas stores and none have the modem you need…would you like to order one?”…through gritted teeth I say…”Yes.”. We complete the transaction and he says…”Being a holiday weekend your order won’t ship until Tuesday and it requires 3 business days for you to receive your new wifi modem, so you won’t receive your wifi modem until Thursday.”.
A 4 day weekend and I won’t be able to get online…no cleavage browsing…nothing…depression sets in.
He goes on…”Now…when you do receive your brand spanking new wifi modem, follow the installation instructions ( I make a jack-off motion. )…BUT…the software in the modem will take you to a Registration Page and if you follow those instructions you will screw everything up because you already have an account. You are going to need a technician to guide you to other pages for a successful activation…would you like me to schedule a ‘Call Back’?”…after I rub my temples for a minute I say…”Yes.”.
I somehow make it through the 4 day weekend and the week…I know…KNOW…I’m missing all the good stuff!
Fast forward to Thursday.
My modem has arrived…hooked up…ready to go. I engage my browser and see the page I mustn’t dare dabble with…I don’t even breathe in the direction of my monitor. My ‘Call Back’ time has arrived and I stare at my telephone…15 minutes later I’m still staring at my telephone… 30 minutes…still staring…I’m becoming agitated…45 minutes…SON…OF…A…BITCH!
I figure I can be an adult and navigate my way through that automated voice system to get to a REAL person one more time…I mean after all…who’s in control here?
Mr. Tu…”That would be me…sir.”
AHhhHHhhh ha ha haaaaa…good one Mr. Tu!!
Mr. Tu…”Thank you, sir.”
So…I call and begrudgingly answer all the inane questions of that automated voice…EXCEPT…this time it doesn’t give me the option of talking to a technician! It asks if I want to hear the choices again!! WHAT?!
BANG!
Now I’m really agitated and I know…KNOW…I can feel it in my bones…my ‘Call Back” happened during that call and I missed it!! I light a cigarette and tap my forehead with my thumb and think…*Maybe I chose wrong at a certain point…I got a technician last week …try it again*.
So…I call back a second time and tersely…carefully…answer all the questions…only to hear…”Please press 1 to hear the choices again.”.
BANG!
Now I’m full blown pissed! If I didn’t miss my ‘Call Back’ during that first call I sure as hell missed it now! I was committed…I had no choice…I called back a third time.
I’m screaming at the automated voice…SCREAMING! I’m calling it names! I was so angry I think I was levitating off my chair! The fact that the automated voice simply remained calm only served to enrage me further! A stream of profanities spewed forth…screaming and screaming and screaming!
“Please press 1 to hear the choices again.”
BANG! BANG!! BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!
It’s over…my ‘Call Back’ sure as there’s a hell happened already…they’ve moved on…God knows when I’ll get another! I light another cigarette and pace back and forth staring at my monitor…tempted to explore that forbidden page…my mind whispers…*Don’t do it.*…I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!! I thought I was going to have a stroke.
I call back a fourth time…this is the end of that call…
Automated Voice…”To better serve you, please choose from the following that you are having a problem with…Internet…Cell phone…Billing…You want to make a payment.”.
Me…”FART!!!!!!!”.
Automated Voice…”You said…Cell phone…is that correct?”.
BANG!!!!!!!
20 seconds later the guy I spoke with the prior week calls and asks…”Did you receive your ‘Call Back”?”. With an eerie from ‘The Depths of Hell’ calm I said…”No.”
Let me state this about the procedure he took me through…one could put a thousand Einsteins in a room for a thousand years and they’d never come up with that!
Oh what I endure for my peeps.
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COMMENTS
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Lylia
18:10 Sep 27 2013
ohhhh man that sounds so good now I'm starving thank you :/
MeanMeanMrTu
18:12 Sep 27 2013
I'm here to help!