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4 entries this month
Planet Hug04:20 Sep 29 2009
Times Read: 865
Now...let's start off with the fact the we vampires from Planet Hug don't jet around the universe tossing out "hugs" willy nilly. On our world "hugs" are only given to those victims most special to us. Unlike the universe at large..our "hugs" mean something...they mean we've let you in...they mean we trust you. Oh at times we get a surprise...an unexpected "hug" from the occasional wandering humanoid...but quickly our bodies react and become rigid...we lower our visors...turn on our oxygen,,,then don't "hug" back! "Why did this alien think they could actually touch us in such a manner?"...A "Hugwhore"...that's the horrific realization...a goddamn "Hugwhore!
Hugwhores do wander aimlessly about the universe throwing out hugs willy nilly. Female Hugwhore crave the constant affirmation of their "huggableness" and in the case of the predatory...mostly male..."Friend Hugwhores"...well...we vampires here on Planet Hug know how to eradicate them.
Both genders of "Friend Hugwhores"...or "Hugwhori"...have sharp barbed thorns that line their inner arms and legs and once attached to a host will clutch with all their might. This natural instinct becomes very bothersome when a Supreme Vampire is in countdown to take their victim to the moon and stars. Hugwhores are sly...keep an eye on their large gaping mouths. Should a Hugwhore's mouth start to open it's best to snatch them up by the scruff of their necks...remove...and then crush them under your gravity boots. Don't bother looking for those sharp barbed thorns...we believe they retract after death...at least we've never found any to catalog. Should one of you female space travelers not have help to remove a clutching Male Predator Hugwhore...we here on Planet Hug have developed over the millennium an effective removal maneuver.
Place the palm of your hand on the offensive Hugwhore's forehead and gently push it's bulbous head slightly back. When it's gaping mouth drops open and it starts making a gasping sucking sound...violently extend your arm straight out! This will drop the bothersome Hugwhore to the floor where you can stomp and kick it.
While most are not...some Hugwhores can be as cute as space kittens and truly only want one...quick...small clutch of recognition. Don't misunderstand...we vampires here on Planet Hug begrudgingly allow this type of infestation. It is difficult to determine...on appearance alone...a harmless from a predatory Hugwhoe. We have studied the Hugwhore closely in it's natural environment and found that both types...even the harmless Hugwhore...can quickly become uncontrollable over a short period of time...so...we offer this chart to aid in determination...
! nanosecond hug with no pelvic proximity...Cute as space kittens
2 nanosecond hug with 1 nanosecond of pelvic encounter...Code Yellow
3 nanosecond hug with constant pelvic encounter...Red Alert
4 nanosecond hug with constant pelvic encounter combined with gaping sucking oral attack...Remove With Extreme Prejudice
In closing...we vampires here on Planet Hug understand than many of you humanoid space travelers live on other planets and have different infestation protocol...but do try and remember...In a Galaxy far...far away...
A Lump On My Nut04:30 Sep 28 2009
Times Read: 885
I bought a new microphone stand the other day down at my local Guitar Shoppe...I don't know why...my mental check book seemed in order so I paid and then threw it into my hearse...microphone stands are to musicians like shoes are to women...one can never have enough of them.
I decided tonight to use that most awesome shiny new stand and began to mount a microphone on it when I noticed the shaft wiggled. I grabbed a hold of it and gave it a good shake...*shake...shake...shake*...you see...sometimes when a shaft is wiggling a good shake will make it stop...but...goddamnit...my shaft still wiggled! Yeah...I know!
I had to do something...so...I flipped it over and started screwing really hard with the nuts...*screw...screw...screw*...I screwed so long and hard that I started to breath heavy...so...I stopped and flipped it back over. I'll be go to Hell! My long shaft was still wiggling! When I screw long and hard I expect my long shaft to be still!
So I flipped it over yet again...I was determined this time...but one has to be careful because if one screws too hard...well...one could ruin their nuts...stripped nuts can even fall off...you can believe that shit homey! So carefully...but firmnly...I started to screw again...*screw...screw...screw*....then after a time I took hold of my shaft and gave it a jerk...IT STILL FUCKING WIGGLED!! NOW I WAS PISSED! *SCREW...SCREW...SCREW*...I screwed with my nuts until they couldn't screw no more...I tell you now...I screwed as hard and tight as I ever have...WIGGLING SHAFT...WIGGLING SHAFT!!!
Feverously I screwed the other way until my nuts were real loose...I don't know why...but it's a good feeling when my nuts are loose...you can believe that shit homey. Upon closer inspection I...what the...I...I noticed one of my nuts had a lump on it!! OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I HAVE A LUMP ON MY NUT!! That lump wouldn't let me screw tight enough to stop my wiggling shaft! I could have screwed all night long and still my shaft would have wiggled!!
Just let that be a lesson...if you're screwing for a really long time and your shaft just keeps wiggling...look for lumps on your nuts!
The Siren Song of Sex20:20 Sep 26 2009
Times Read: 909
I’ve thought over the years…the last ten actually…that’s right…TEN…that it would be The Siren Song of Sex that would force me to clean this castle up. I though it would be the promise of sweet…sweet female breast flesh that would thrust a can of Antibacterial Scrubbing Bubbles into my mighty hand…that would make my graceful strong legs walk into the bathroom…that would make me sacrifice perfectly good tunics for rags and actually clean said bathroom. SEX! It had to be that! Nothing else…I thought…could drive me to such a desperate cleaning frenzy…well…turns out…I WAS FUCKING WRONG!
When I arrived at the castle today…as I galloped across the mote…I saw a note taped to my Keep…*narrows eyes*…that’s never a good thing…*They want something.*…my mind whispered to me. I whispered back…*What do you think they want?*…my mind whispered in reply…*I don’t know dipshit…go read the note!”. Sulking I walked to the Keep…tore the note from it and read…
“We need to check your castle plumbing
We will be coming into your castle in 2 days between the hours of 8:30 and 12:00
This will not take long. If you are not in residence we will use our skeleton key and enter
If you have any questions please contact The King.
SWEET BABY JESUS IN A DIAPER! OMG! NO! Omg…I’m going to have to clean the galley AND the goddamn bathroom?! UNDER THE SINKS TOO?! ~faints~ OMDOUBLE G…I’m going to have to clean the water heater area?! JESUS CHRIST!! IN ONE DAY?! IN ONE GODDAMN DAY?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??! HUH??!
Do you have any idea how long the sink in the castle bathroom has been going ~drip…drip…drip~? Try at least 7 years! THAT’S RIGHT…7 YEARS!. I just tossed a cup in the bottom of the sink to cushion the sound…so late at night…when I’m snug in bed…trying to have some quality masturbation time…all I hear is…~_…_…_~…now I have to actually do something about it! DAMNIT! The shower head blew off three years ago! OF COURSE I TRIED DUCT TAPING IT BACK ON! DO YOU THINK I’M SUPID?! The goddamn thing just kept blowing back off so I said to hell with it and just shower under the pipe stem. I suppose I can slip it back on…if I can find it…man…I hope they don’t turn the shower on! Do you think they’ll want to turn the faucets on? MAN…the galley faucet drips too…but…it’s too far away to really bother me…so…it never received a cup job….*ponders*…I’m not sure what’s happening back by the water heater…SON OF A BITCH…I’m going to have to break down dozens and dozens of empty Pepsi containers just to find out! OH CRAP! My fire alarm hasn’t been on the castle wall in five years…again…if I can find it! I just won’t plug it in…the damn thing went crazy years ago and just started beeping it’s ass off…so I tore it off the wall! It was driving me insane!
I’M NOT SWEEPING THE CEILING! OH NO I’M NOT!!
ONE FUCKING DAY? I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS CASTLE IN ONE FUCKING DAY!?
Tomorrow…MeanMeanMrTu…will be in cleaning Hell.
Real Trouble05:08 Sep 26 2009
Times Read: 930
See...now...I know you are expecting me to drone on and on and on about the worms that crawl around my brain...expound on what a monster I am (I am)...talk about my blood lust...my conquests...my battles...tell you tales of my adventures through time and although all thoroughly enthralling...what I would really like to tell you about...is...real trouble!
My toilet seat floofy has gone to hell! One little goddamn corner won't stay on! I stretch it on...it pops off...I stretch it on...it pops off...I stretch it on while I swear at it...it pops off! It's driving me insane!
What am I supposed to do now?! It's not like I can take my hearse to the store and buy just one black... with rose embroidery...toilet seat floofy! They won't fucking have that! It came in a set! Jesus...stay on...stay on...stay on...*pop*...fuck!
So now I'm going to have to find an appropriate packaged set again! Do you know how hard it was to find a black with rose embroidery set?! Almost impossible! Even for me! London doesn't have them...Rome doesn't have them...Istanbul doesn't have them...goddamnit.
I'm going to have to buy the toilet seat mat...the sink mat and the toilet bowl tank cozy...all because of that goddamn toilet seat floofy!
Come on you bastard....*pop*.
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COMMENTS
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madamefate
04:39 Sep 29 2009
LOL I know what you mean. I have friends who are hugwhores that hug me every thirty seconds whenever they see me.
Azuredark
09:03 Sep 29 2009
I don't like to be hugged at all so I would get out bug spray.
ladySnowStrixx
17:15 Sep 29 2009
ok I don't have that problem maybe its just my demeanor because the only people who hug me are people ( family ) who know its allowed .Bad things could happen it no family tried.
MeanMeanMrTu
17:22 Oct 06 2009
Hugs are just the worst!
cornelia2
12:56 Mar 05 2015
like that its good
xXLittleRedXx
04:44 Dec 04 2016
B..but....but I'm not an alien ;_;;;; WHAT does any of this mean *sniffles huging pillow insure of life* XD