The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Well…in the past I have been accused of being something of a hermit…which is actually, pretty much fine with me, fuck you very much…BUT…seeing as this was the big Halloween get drunk wear your psychotic mess on your sleeve look Ma I’m a whore cowgirl threw this conglomeration of stray apparel together as a costume stripper ballerina fireman I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be, weekend…I decided I would give the real world another attempt and out to a bar I ventured.



I want to say at this juncture that I did NOT see any of the following: Vampire (Except yours truly, of course.); Ghost; Werewolf; Zombie; Witch; Goblin; Devil; Pumpkin costume of some sort; Dead Person; Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights; Frankenstein; or even, at a stretch, an Alien. I feel safe in saying…the concept of Halloween has been lost…LOST…but that’s not what this post is about (But it should be.).



I found the nicest little dark corner of the bar and there I stood watching the NOT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Sure…sure…a few little Honey Bunnies were showing off as much flesh as they could get away with and such did make the NO HALLOWEEN COSTUMED evening more palatable…well…for the most part…a few needed a serious reality check. If one is fat…wearing less apparel doesn’t make one thinner…for some…these are words to live by…I suggest the Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights, costume.



There I stood taking it all in…*Oh look…a whole tableful of aging Slutty Cowgirls…how…scary*…*Ah…a Gremlin costume.*…I narrowed my eyes…*Wait…wait…that’s not a costume.*. There by the pool table wobbled a little old female barfly…I’ve seen these women many times…I’ve even watched one relieve herself right on her barstool…charming. And it was very easy to imagine this particular one taking that shortcut during a Marathon drinking session.



There she stood wobbling and glancing in my direction…*Oh Christ*…~wobble wobble wobble~…~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~……~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~…*Ohhhh Christ*…~wobble wobble wobble~…and then…she made an erratic beeline for yours truly…*This isn’t going to smell good*.



Her…”I love your cosshtume!”.

Me…”I’m not wearing a costume.”.

Her…”I love your cooooat!”. (Referring to my long black gentlemen’s coat.)

Me…”Thank you, but really it’s just a very old coat.”.

Her…~wobbles~…”Whyyyyy are you ignoring me?”.

Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you.”

Her…”I love your cooooat!”.

Me…”Yes…thank you again!”

Her…”Don’t ignore meeeee!”…~wobbles~.

Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you!”.

Her…~wobbles~…”Do you danshhh?”.

Me…”No…I don’t dance.”.

Her…”Whyyyyyy not?”… ~wobbles~.

Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”

Her…~Cackles and wobbles~…”Letsh dannnnnnsh!”.

Me…”I just told you I don’t dance.”

Her…~wobbles cackles wobbles~…”Why nooooooot?!”.

Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”. (I must admit, at this point I considered snapping her neck.)

Her…~Cackles and cackles and cackles and wobbles and cackles~.

Her…”I love your coat!”…~wobbles~.

Me…”Yes, I know.”



It was at this point she yanked her dentures out and smiled at me. I got the fright of my life.

I left and came home.

COMMENTS

-

---

atyourwindow
15:01 Oct 28 2012

Good times lol

---

Bellanova333
18:05 Oct 28 2012

*snickers

---

POST COMMENT

I was...merely minutes ago...informed by another co-worker...at the end of my shift...that all my other co-workers think I'm a psycho...my God...don't you just love it when a plan comes together?!

COMMENTS

-

---

atyourwindow
00:05 Oct 19 2012

Should have said to them "good eye" lol

---

MeanMeanMrTu
12:28 Oct 19 2012

I thought about..."You don't know the half of it.".

---

POST COMMENT

At the end of my last post a very naughty woman hinted that it wasn’t the size of a man’s penis, but the way he used such that made the difference between a good…or…a bad…lover. Please, give me one second here…(Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaahaaaahahahahaha haaaaa). What?! How he uses it?



Now…*straightens tie*…I am going to assume this very naughty woman (who will not be named) was referring to “normal” copulation…that being tapped on the forehead with it wasn’t what she meant…nor having it inserted into foreign orifices. I am taking her meaning as the regular age old tried and true “Hibbidy Bibbidy Rodeo” (which will be known from here on out in this post as “HHR”).



So let’s examine exactly what a man can do with his…as she called it…”Flesh Injector” ( which will be known from here on out in this post as “FI”) during the HHR.



Well…a man can go in and out with his FI…*ponders and re-straightens tie*…ummmmm….oh….different tempos…*ponders*….ummmmm….*ponders more*…yeah…that’s about it. That’s the show ladies and gentlemen!



Alright…ALRIGHT! On further contemplation, I concede…I suppose a side to side rocking motion…which at this time I will christen “The Pirate Ship”…could be achieved…but…such would prohibit a continual thrusting action…so that’s an either/or proposition. Well…now that I’m stretching the boundaries of the noble FI…I suppose…a circular motion could as well be produced…which at this time I will name “The Whirly Bird”…but again…continuous thrusting would be prohibited…unless.



Unless the man firmly plants his hands on the mattress while rising on his tip toes…then and only then…could “The Pirate Ship” and “The Whirly Bird” manifest during thrusting. Men, at this point I would suggest no ceiling mirrors because you’re going to look pretty fucking silly.



Did you know if you had “The Chicken Pox”, you have the “Shingles Virus” inside you?! I just found that out from the television…Jesus!



Anyway…yeah…that’s the whole enchilada! I have no idea what else a man could do with his FI…I mean…it’s not a goddamn magic wand!



(Now that I…”The Heterosexual Professor”…have had my fun…*straightens tie yet again*…allow me to inform you what really makes…or breaks…a HHR. Satisfaction has little, or practically nothing to do with physical acrobatics. One must satisfy their partners psychological desires…period.)