The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Gifts
21:03 Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 670

My niece...Jamie Hamilton...or as Nancy would call her...”Niece of Tu”...who also works at my company of employment...who sits with me at all Break Times...night after night...presented I...The Heterosexual Professor...with two gifts! Out of the clear blue this thoughtful “Angel of Family Linage” sought to brighten my dreary torch and lead filled existence.



Mr. Tu...”Technically...Jamie is our “Half Niece”...Sir.”.



Correct Mr. Tu...Jamie is the half sister of our blood niece Loren and would be the half sister...once removed...to Loren's half sister...also our niece Lindsay and would then also be a half cousin...once removed...to our remaining nieces...Theresa...Kate...Carol and Jennifer. And keep in mind...Mr. Tu...that Jamie...no matter how “Hot And Doable” she may be...even though she is not blood related...she is still technically our niece! You are still “TheMightyUncleVampireTu”!



Mr. Tu...”Yes Sir...of course.”.



The first gift was for you Mr. Tu and I now present said gift...







Mr. Tu...”..*chokes*...*tears and dabs the corner of his eye with his handkerchief*...That may be...*tears*...the most beautiful magnet...*chokes*...I have ever seen...it will be displayed prominently on the lid of my coffin...*tears and dabs*...so thoughtful...thank her profusely for me...Sir...*chokes*...”.



I will Mr. Tu...I knew you would be moved. Now...the second gift was for a little demon we've all come to know and love.



Michael...”Huh? What? Jamie got me somethin'? *starts to hop up and down excitedly*...What?! What did she get me?! WHAAAAAT?!?!?!*.



Settle down Micheal before you have an accident...here is your gift from Jamie...







Michael...”OMG...OMG...*shakes hands wildly and runs in circles*...OMG...FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS! FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS!! I LOVE THEM! I LOVE...*hops up and down still shaking hands wildly*...THEM! Give 'em here! GIVE “EM HERE!...*rips bag open*...OMG...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...FWOSTED AMINAL CWACKERS...MMmmm...*crunch crunch crunch*...”.



Mr. Tu...”Those are the preferred iced cookie of most vampires I know.”.



Michael...”...*hides bag behind his back*...Oh no...*crunch crunch crunch*...I'm not sharing...*crunch crunch crunch*...these babies...*crunch crunch crunch*...they're MINE!...*crunch crunch crunch*...”.



Mr. Tu...”Hand over an iced cookie or I'll have the Wall Street protesters come occupy you for your greed...retard.”.



Michael...”...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*swallows*...They can occupy these...*grabs crotch*...!”.



Mr. Tu...”...*tousles Michael''s hair and chuckles*...My...what a greedy little demon you are.”.



Michael...”...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*swallows and dances around the room chanting*...I HAVE FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS AND THE PROTESTORS DOHWONT... I HAVE FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS AND THE PROTESTORS DOHWONT... I HAVE FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS AND THE PROTESTORS DOHWONT... I HAVE FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS AND THE PROTESTORS DOHWONT...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...”.



Oh ho ho ho...well...you two enjoy your gifts and I will be sure to thank Jamie...for you both...tonight at work.



Mr. Tu...”Absolutely Sir...again...thank her from the bottom of my little black heart! Michael...thank Jamie.”.



Michael...”...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...”.



Mr. Tu...”Michael...*flicks Michae'ls ear*...*THWACK!*.



Michael...”OWWWwwwW...*rubs ear furiously*...THANK YOU JAMIE!..*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*chokes*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...*crunch crunch crunch*...”.

The Subject Line
21:57 Oct 18 2011
Times Read: 696

Online dating is a psychological battle...a war against mediocrity. We men all know...or we should all know...that a simple...“Hello”...will be deleted faster than Bawny Fwank leaving a rodeo. Women receive hundreds of messages per day...per week...and reading them all would be a new full time job. So know guys...that simple...”Hello”...is going to get the big “Delete-A-Rooney”...your message of undying digital love will not be read.



It's the all important “Subject Line” that holds the key. See...women are naturally curious...they have to know...so it behooves we men to exploit this tendency and use this to our full advantage.



“HOW CAN WE DO THIS?!”...I telepathically hear you all scream in unison. It's not as difficult as one may imagine. Listen to yours truly...”The Subject Line”...is merely a door...a guarded gateway...a scrutinized passage that can be traversed easily with the right frame of mind...I have an example.



In the “Subject Line” type...”I Just Thought You Should Know...”.



See...this is beautiful and I'll tell you why. This...“Subject Line”...conveys that you know something they do not and no woman...on the entire face of the planet...can endure such a thing...THEY...HAVE...TO...KNOW! EVERYTHING! This message will be opened! EUREKA...*snaps fingers*...YOU'RE IN!



Now...in the main message body type...”...I just mailed my “Christmas Wish List” to Santa...I asked for you. Let me know if that fat bastard gets in touch!”.



See again...this is beautiful and again I'll tell you why.



First...the fact you still mail (at your age) a “Christmas Wish List” to Santa showcases that “Little Boy” still breathing inside you and women have a biological need to “Mother”...so...this endears you to them right from the get go! Excellent!



Second...you flatter the woman by the fact you asked Santa...just...for...her! This makes her feel special and we all know one must massage the ego of that Princess! Done and done!



Third...you contrast this cherubby little introduction by using a macho shocking swear word (bastard) that establishes your alpha male status. The fact that you have them in a “Mothering” frame of mind also allows you to get away with calling Santa a fat bastard! It's cute...irreverent...edgy...and again...endearing. Beautiful!



I was armed and ready with this new magnificent psychological pry bar...my new “Subject Line” battering ram...when it hit me like a bolt of lightening! Wait...WAIT!



Let's remember the...“Subject Line”...is a barrier...a locked door that one must open. And what have we learned will unlock that door? Curiosity! That's all one's...”Subject Line”...has to do...peak the female's curiosity! It doesn't have to reflect your message! The...”Subject Line”...is stand alone! Easy peasy japaneasy!



“What the fuck are you talking about Mr. Tu?!”...I again telepathically hear you ask. Let me show you a female's fictional email page of...”Subject Lines”...



“Hello”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hello”

“Tree Frogs And Barbwire”

“Hi”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hello”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Hello”



Now...which message would you open?! Do you see the beauty?! Huh? Do you? Do you fully understand the awesome magnitude of this? One's...”Subject Line”...can be anything! ANYTHING! ALL IT HAS TO DO IS PEAK CURIOSITY!



“Cupcakes And Armchairs”



“20 Thousand Screaming Gerbils”



“I Broke My Arm In 5 Places When I...”



“Last Week I Won The Lottery” (recommended)



“I Still Have All My Teeth”



“Beer Guts And Chasers” (not recommended...but...would still be effective)



“Love Is Real If You...”



All of these...”Subject Lines...will be opened! One's digital message of love will be read!



So...now that I...The Heterosexual Professor...has given the world of men the keys to the doors of Valhalla...please...PLEASE...have something intelligent to say. Remember...with great power comes great responsibilty! Don't be dipshits. Should you be a stumblebum try this...



In the “Subject Line” type...”Bunny Rabbits Need...”



Then in the main text body type...”Hi”.



Trust me...it's cute!

Brainwashing
00:55 Oct 11 2011
Times Read: 717






Brainwashing is defined as the following...



1…a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas

2…persuasion by propaganda or salesmanship --brain·wash transitive verb — brainwash noun ---brain·wash·er noun





I want you all to read the above definition again…I’ll wait…*drums fingers on the desktop*…*lights a smoke…~puff puff puff~*…alright…READ IT AGAIN! Clear all you think you know from your mind and…READ…IT…AGAIN! Now…READ IT AGAIN!

Breakfast Hooligan
12:43 Oct 03 2011
Times Read: 743

I try to eat a healthy and well balanced breakfast every morning...this is why I go to Speedway and make myself a sumptuous breakfast hotdog.



Preparation is most important...first one opens the spacious hotdog bun tray and looks them all over until the right one catches the eye...then...one chooses the bun next to it...I think I do this to ward off bad luck...I know...sly. With the chosen bun opened and hotdog friendly I then use the same...tried and true...bun maneuver to select my hotdog.



Now...I open the plexiglass hatch and using my left hand's thumb and forefinger I snatch the chosen hotdog straight off the hot hotdog rotisserie and lay it reverently in the open bun...God...is there a more beautiful sight? What? YES...I'm very careful not to burn my fingers!



Straight away I inch down to the condiments...it's a little slide side step I like to call..."The Breakfast Dance".



Now this is very...very...very important! Holding the hotdog in my left hand...LEFT HAND...I take the ketchup squirt bottle and before I add it to my hotdog...BEFORE...I squirt a little ketchup in the trash hole that I discarded my bun wrapper in. It's preferable to squirt the same bun wrapper from the bun in ones hand...again...this is a luck issue.



After determining that the ketchup squirt bottle will not squirt watery diluted ketchup on my breakfast hotdog I squirt a line of said excellent ketchup down the left side...LEFT SIDE...of my hotdog...this is between the bun and hotdog...slightly on top. The same technique is used for the mustard except...EXCEPT...the mustard is squirted in a line down the right side of the hotdog...RIGHT SIDE!



With my stomach grumbling and mouth watering, I wave away the gnats circling the onion bin. I use the plastic spoon and dig down to the bottom of the onion pile...God only knows what those gnats did to the onions on top...and I take one plastic spoonful of onions and gingerly sprinkle them down the middle of my hotdog. There's something magical watching them fall to the LEFT into the ketchup and fall RIGHT into the mustard.



Now I place my delicious hotdog into a doughnut bag...yes...a doughnut bag...you see...if one uses the bun wrapper to transport said hotdog...well...all the condiments will squish together and ruin the whole goddamn thing! So...always transport using a doughnut bag.



Well...this morning at work...we had a plant wide meeting. Oh awards were being given out...Safety Awards...Excellence Awards...Production Awards...awards awards awards!! What award did I procure...I mystically hear you ask? NOTHING! ZERO! NADA! I didn't even earn a "Certificate of Mediocrity"! YEAH! I KNOW!



So...I was feeling a tad bit dejected and surly this morning and I took it out on my hotdog...I squirted the ketchup down the RIGHT side and the mustard down the LEFT side! Goddamnit! I know...I know...I lost control.



I just wanted you to know who you're dealing with here!

Happenings
16:13 Oct 01 2011
Times Read: 763

I’ve had a very strange happening…three times…over the last few months. They are the only times in my life and they have me very curious. Two I remember…one is nearly forgotten…but…I know it happened as well.



In one dream I had a very large person sitting on my back…crushing me and I couldn’t get them off. In another I had a person poking me in the ribs with a finger and it hurt.



Now I know those don’t sound all that strange…the strange thing was…the feeling of being crushed and the painful poking continued after I woke. I laid there in bed…aware of the fan running…aware of the pillow under my head…aware of the blanket covering me…I was awake.



My back still felt depressed…struggling against the weight…muscles pushing. The painful stabbing of the finger…both continued happening for at least 15 seconds in my wakened state.



We know signals are sent from the body to the brain…pain as an example. And we know signals are sent from the brain to the body…move your finger as an example.



We also know the waking mind and the subconscious mind largely operate independent of each other. In the dream-state it’s all subconscious mind and we know from phenomenon…such as sleep walking…that the subconscious mind can and does send signals to the body that are independent of the waking mind.



What I now wonder…after these “Happenings”…is can the body be receiving signals from the subconscious mind and the waking mind be aware of them? Experience them? Can my waking mind…ego…be aware…yet…my body be under control of my subconscious mind? Can my body…in essence…still be in the dream state?



I imagine that had I dreamed of hands touching me…during those dreams…that’s what I would have felt once awake. Could this be an origin of “Ghosts”…if someone woke…not remembering their dream…and felt hands touching them? Could they hear a voice from their subconscious mind? See an image from their subconscious mind?



What I felt awake was very real…the weight…muscles straining…the pain in my ribs…the stabbing finger…it was very odd.