The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Now…see…when I was but a wee lad I was…somewhat…out of control and what the hell did I know…or…even care? I mean…after all…at such a young tender age it was all about me…was it not? I just ran amok in the world at large. I had no adult reasoning powers to speak of and why would I? I wasn’t an adult and even my brain had not developed in the appropriate areas to be able to do such a thing…I was nothing more than a self gratifying young little monkey…me…Me…ME! Sound familiar?



I truly was a terror…sure…sure…a fun terror…but…a terror all the same. Now in school…at that time in America…all the young little monkey students received a grade concerning conduct on their report cards and I should add here we had a “Home Room”…meaning…one ultimately answered to their “Home Room Teacher” for a variety of indiscretions…overall conduct throughout all their other classes being one of them. Now…conduct was graded as a 1 through 5…a 1 was very well behaved and a 5 was…well…a 5 meant there was a problem and 2…3…and 4 were for all the little monkeys that wouldn’t commit one way or the other. I never had a problem committing…yes…yes…I was a 5.



Of course my other teachers scolded me…why…I even received the old whack on the hand with a ruler a time or two…but…that wasn’t enough to tame a little gibbon such as I was…besides they knew my “Home Room Teacher”…I can’t spell it now…but it sounded like…”Mr. Bell-Furry”…would take care of my happy little monkey ass soon enough! And boy did he.



I’ll never forget that day…I sat at the end of “Report Card Day”…RCD for short… in my “Home Room”…all smug and proud I received a 5 in conduct…Oh Ho Ho Ho…no…I wasn’t the only one. Holly Hope Banks? Your brother Mark was right there with me as were two more who’s names escape me at the moment.



With a half an hour to go Mr. Bell-Furry left the room and the other 5s and myself started exchanging glances…we had heard rumors as to what happened to 5s…the rumors were spot on!



Not ten minutes later Mr. Bell-Furry and the next door “Home Room Teacher” Mr. Sang-Key came walking back into my “Home Room” and started calling out names to go out into the hall. Oh yes…I sat there praying somehow my name had mysteriously vanished from that paper in Mr. Bell-Furry’s hand…but…*sighs*…I was number 3 on the 5 list.



Well it doesn’t take a big imagination to know what happened out in that hall…does it? Yeah…Mr. Bell-Furry and Mr. Sang-Key used that big old oak paddle with the holes in it on our young little monkey butts. Holly I have to tell you…I don’t know if your brother Mark was serious or if he was just f*cking around…but…I would have laughed my ass off at him if it wouldn’t have been on fire! OMG…I still laugh when I think about it lol. I know his ass had to hurt as bad as mine so I don’t see how he could have been anything but serious! LOL! Jesus it was funny.



Alright…alrigHT…ALRIGHT…”What is the goddamn point Mr. Tu?!”…fair enough question. The point is this…all we 5s became 1s in a big goddamn hurry! In the blink of an eye we were model students for quite some time! Quite some time! Pleas from the other teachers didn’t do it…reasoning with us didn’t do it…sissy smacks with a ruler didn’t do it…big old Mr. Paddle did it! Mr. Paddle broke through to our reasonable sides!



Of course…in this America…you’ve taken that persuasive power away from our teachers…you let the young little monkeys…like I used to be…run wild…shoot the place up…disrupt everything. You let them disrespect and scoff…you think they can reason like an adult…they can’t!



Of course give them “I love you”…give them hugs and kisses and an occasional…”My…what a bright young little monkey you are!”…but…for the love of God…for all the warriors in Valhalla…when a young little monkey has a good whack coming to them…make sure they get it!

COMMENTS

-

---

BellaMalattia
02:41 Oct 27 2010

Mr. Finnigan was my home room teacher back when I was in school. I would have loooovvveedd it if he had gotten out a paddle to teach me a lesson ;)

---

MeanMeanMrTu
11:58 Oct 27 2010

Well well...

---

BellaMalattia
20:46 Oct 27 2010

You see Mr. Tu. There are some of us young little monkeys who would purposefully strive for fives. That may or may not be why they stopped doing such things in schools. Maybe the little freak monkeys simply started to outweigh the vanilla monkeys =P

---

POST COMMENT

Happy Painted Pumpkin Faces?! What?! That is what I’ve been told by a…“Parent”…that the family is going to do tomorrow…for Halloween…paint on pumpkins…Happy Painted Pumpkin Faces. It was all I could do to keep my opinion to myself…but of course…here…thank The Good Almighty Lord…I do not!



Well why don’t we just shave the fucking beard off Santa Clause? Just shave it the hell off! And maybe Santa could lose a few pounds while we are at it! Jolly Old Saint Nick just means an over weight…high blood pressured…vein clogging high cholesterol…drunken red nosed buffoon! And making those reindeer pull that heavy overloaded sleigh of toys…goodwill… and his fat ass is just pure animal cruelty! Screw tradition! Hey! We’re a liberal minded…enlightened…sensitive…politically correct bunch of assholes that can “change” any goddamn thing we want to!



I don’t care what it’s been for over 200 years! The Easter Bunny? Fuck The Easter Bunny…let’s make that The Easter Badger! We can draw up a cute little cartoon…which by the way…they can then take and make a digitally enhanced 3 fucking D image that is soulless…and commercially past his…or hers…cute little ass kissing Easter Badger face all over the hand holding world! Huh? Easter Egg Hunt you ask? Oh well ho ho hooo…we can’t have an Easter Egg Hunt because some children will find more eggs than other children and…well…that’s just not goddamn fair! That only promotes competition and we sure as fuck wouldn’t want that! We can’t have little Jimmy…or little Mary…having low self esteem because they’ve found one less egg than the other! We’ll just hand out nuts…or…whatever The Easter Badger eats…all perfectly mathematically equal and distribute them among the young…*ponders*…well…maybe we can draw up a cartoon…I’m sure there’s a special interest group that is probably going to have a problem with that!



Let me tell you what a Jack-O-Lantern is…a Jack-O-Lantern is a hollowed out pumpkin that has a carved out scary face on the front…evil eyes…sharp crooked teeth. Then a candle is placed and lit inside so when the sun goes down the Jack-O-Lantern is illuminated from within giving it the appropriate scary look and feel! Boo goddamnit…BOO! A Jack-O-Lantern is not…let me repeat that…IS NOT…a Happy Painted Pumpkin Face! It’s not a Sponge Bob Fuck Pants face! Not a Bambi face! Nor is it a Cute Whatever Soulless Cartoon Face of what ever may be popular right now with the kiddies!!



Ohhhh I hear you like bees in my brain…”Shame on you Mr. Tu…don’t you know sharp knives are dangerous!? Don’t you know there’s an epidemic of children dying…and the occasional adult…from sharp knives being plunged into their throats as the result of Halloween pumpkin carving?!”…well…if they were that stupid and careless…I mean…it’s called…thinning the herd. See…in nature…when an animal is weak and stupid the rest of the herd leaves them to die…that way the weak and stupid gene pool doesn’t continue…keeps the specie strong…we should take a lesson from nature.



Happy Painted Halloween kiddies…and to all the Halloween Vandals…smash every last goddamn Happy Painted Pumpkin Face you see…you have my blessing!



BOO!

COMMENTS

-

---

PAGAN
11:59 Oct 23 2010

HELL YEAH.

---

Nedra
13:42 Oct 30 2010

Mr. Tu........ You are the best



And for the record my 5 year old daughter carves a mean pumpkin! I had to send in a pumpkin to school this past week so she could decorate it.



The teacher called me later that day to tell me that my daughter was very upset that there weren't any knives.



We cut that "happy pumpkin" up the second she got home.

---

POST COMMENT

Now…I do not claim to have superior monkey knowledge in chemistry…biology…food service…or any of the other most lofty monkey endeavors…but…what I do have…in abundance…is shear indisputable logic…yes indeed…Spock would be proud.



My body is loaded with chemicals…all of it…head to toe…that’s really all it is…one chemical reacting with another…then with another…then even with another…I AM a cavalcade of interacting chemicals. I even have amino acids…”Are you f*cking kidding me Mr. Tu…I have amino acids?”…I hear you ask…yes…you have amino acids…ACIDS…in your body reacting with other chemicals that are reacting with other chemicals all the live long day! I KNOW…it’s kooky!



But it’s a good kooky and I’ll tell you why. You see…everything else in this universe is also…fundamentally…chemicals. Broccoli? Chemicals! Double cheese Pizza with mushroom burnt from the Pizza House in Clyde? Chemicals! Sure…sure…tasty chemicals…but chemicals all the same! Tofu? Chemicals! Rice cakes? Chemicals! Of course those chemicals are not quite as tasty as my pizza chemicals…at least that’s what my tongue chemicals tell me and they are never wrong. Why…even the Oscar Meyer bologna sandwich laced with Heinz ketchup…that I’m eating as I type…is jamb packed with chemicals! Too bad Heinz can’t slip a little Blotter chemicals into their product…man…we’d be talking then…baby!



Our chemical bodies need these other chemicals so it has something to do…there’s nothing worse than amino acids with too much time on their hands! Give them a work out…”Idle hands are the Devils playground”…words to live by. No…don’t be an idiot…amino acids do not have hands…it was an analogy! Or it could have been a metaphor…I don’t know…I never won a Pulitzer Prize in literature.



So…don’t get your…again chemical…panties in a bunch because McDonalds french fries don’t grow mold on them after 6 months…they just left out a chemical or added one…who f*cking cares…it’s ALL chemicals! I mean…do you really think the Mad Scientists at The McDonald Food Laboratories…and these guys have some serious monkey chemical knowledge…do you think they labored for years with beakers and Bunsen burners only to get it wrong? Do you think McDonalds hired terrorists and they are using french fries to kill all the infidels? Death by french fries? Wow…I hope the terrorists don’t read this!



I am willing to wager Skittles…if left in a jar for 6 months …won’t grow mold on them either and I know you eat those by the handful! Lemon Drops…M&Ms…Red Hots…Jesus these are the sustenance of life and again…no mold is going to grow on them! Ever!



What have we learned here? We have learned our world…our existence…is one big fun filled chemical adventure…so relax…it’s just a f*cking french fry.