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MeanMeanMrTu's Journal



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17 entries this month
 

I Was Thinking This Morning

17:09 Oct 30 2009
Times Read: 1,257


“I ate a peach.”…”I ate an apple.”…as one can see there’s the difference in using the words “a” and “an”…”a” if followed by a consonant…and…”an” if followed by a vowel…Easy-Peasy-Japaneasy!



But…both “a’ and “an” could be replaced by the word “one”…”I ate one apple”…”I ate one peach.”. Now I think we’d all agree that “one” and “an” are words…but what about “a”? “One” and “an” have multiple letters constituting a “word”…but…”a” is only one letter…*ponders*…can one letter be one word? Or have we just attributed to the letter “a” one mystical, singular connotation when it‘s not really one word? Wouldn’t that mean we could take any letter…let’s say “q”…and attribute one mystical, multiple connotation to it? “I ate q peach”…”I ate qn apple.”…would we have to throw in that “n”…and more importantly…would “peach” and the word “apple” have to be made plural when one multiple is already implied?!



We have the same thing with the letter “I” meaning “Me”…”I ate q peach.”…”Me ate qn apple.”…sure…sure…using “Me” sounds very Tazanesque…but…if one word needs to have multiple letters to qualify as one word …then…how could the single letter “I” be one word? Does the letter “I” also have one mystical connotation attributed to it? And then doesn’t that mean I could attribute that same mystical connotation to one different letter…say…”S”?...“S ate q peach.”…”S ate qn apple.”?



“I” and “a” are just letters baby! They’re not words! Is there some kind of rule here I’ve never heard of? Just letters…just letters…JUST LETTERS! Come on…the whole idea and form of written language has…in essence…merely been made up by the whims of others before us! Right?! Am I right here?!



Wow…this is really going to fuck up my whole day.


COMMENTS

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xXLittleRedXx
xXLittleRedXx
04:37 Dec 04 2016

._. *finds a way to put this journal as favorite*





 

Real Power

16:51 Oct 27 2009
Times Read: 1,271


Donald Trump? Chump!...P.Diddy? Old Biddy!!...Evander Hollyfield? Light Weight!...Mick Jagger? No Swagger! I think most of you would consider the previous men as being men of power...of having influence and self assurance flowing right out of their ass! I tell you now...this is not the case!



Gentlemen...once you learn to make a woman climax at will...YOU WILL HAVE ALL THE POWER IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE! Once you become a "Cum-Fu-Master"...well...let me tell you in all humility...women and all their treasures will be yours!!



Whoa...hold on...don't misunderstand me...I’ve never read the Karma Sutra and I do not claim to be a sexual guru by any measure...I am a bit of a sexual retard...but you see...this is precisely why I know of what I speak! I came to this ability late in life...yes...I was like you...fumbling...bumbling around...groping in the dark...a slap here...A tickle there. Yes...I was a disappointment between the sheets...I offer this shame freely. My Bullweiner was indeed merely stomping around breaking things in that China shop...it’s true.



But after years of diligence and hard work...knuckle on...knuckle off...knuckle on...knuckle off...tickle lap tickle tickle...after hours of experimentation...spoon tap...spoon tap...blow...spoon tap...spoon tap...blow...Valhalla opened her doors to me! URIKA! I WAS IN!



I will admit the power of it went to my head...I admit I used this ultimate power for my own selfish gain. You see a woman will promise you anything...ANYTHING...when she is in the beginnings of an orgasm. All she wants is that explosion! Men...*points to head*...think about it...we know how powerful that feeling is!



So...when I had her...”Ye...ye...yes yes...Ah Yes!”...spoon tap...spoon tap...Blow...”YE...YE...Yes!”...spoon tap...spoon tap...Blow...”Hunny bunny...can we have meatloaf every night this week?”...”YES!!”...spoon tap...spoon tap...spoon tap...BLOW....”YES OH GOD YES!!!”. She’d come up off the bed, or the countertop, about a foot and then I’d start thinking about what else I wanted...you see...women are multi-orgasmic...I was greedy...I had a flesh treasure chest!



Gentlemen you’ll come home from work with a swagger! Your woman will look at you like you’re a goddamn ROCK STAR!! You’ll watch Vladimir Sissy Pants or Big Ears Obama on the television and snicker and snort...because you’ll know...what...REAL POWER IS!! Why...after an hour or so of....spoon tap...spoon tap...spoon tap...Blow...your woman will jump out of bed...or off the countertop...and run to make you a bacon and egg sandwich!! THE UNIVERSE WILL BE YOURS TO RULE AS YOU SEE FIT! ROOOOOOARS!


COMMENTS

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Bijou
Bijou
19:32 Oct 27 2009

Oh no you have unlocked our weakness, ;)





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
01:46 Oct 28 2009

Your reign is over ~smiles~.





 

Climaxeopia

06:47 Oct 26 2009
Times Read: 1,288


Climaxeopia is the star sign of the Penisauras Rex! In a man’s universe no constellation shines brighter than Climaxeopia. Those stars stay in our eyes all our lives! Much of our manhood resides in that constellation. Those shining, bright burning stars...the Super Novas...the endless power and majesty...and then...sadly...each man’s glorious Climaxeopia, finally becomes a life sucking Black Hole.



Now...when I wore a younger man's shoes...I was a fucking Howitzer! Ze Germans would have trembled! I’m telling you when I climaxed “The Pristine One” made an audible sound...! Boom Boom Boom...ROOOOAAAARRSSS...Boom Boom Boom! I’m shitting you negative! AN AUDIBLE SOUND! I bet countless times people stopped...cocked their heads...lifted their ears to the air and thought...”Ohhh that young Mr. Tu, he’s masturbating again!”. My lovers had to wear earplugs!



You want to talk about volumes that would staggered the imagination? I was the Amazon river of spermetic life! Why...if I would have given a sperm sample, I would have had to ask...”Is this the biggest glass you have?”! Boom Boom Boom...ROOAARSS...Boom Boom Boom!



But now at 52...*sighs*...well...I still have no problem performing a most excellent boneoscopy...but...The Pristine One doesn’t savagely trumpet his wild call any more *tears*. The sound of strangling a kitten would most likely be an accurate comparison. Volume?...you ask...well...it’s pathetic! P...A...T...H...E...T...I...C...PATHETIC! Clean up’s a breeze these days!



MY CLIMAXEOPIA IS DYING! WHAT’S THE POINT?! WHY SHOULD I RISE EVERYDAY?! Yellow dwarfs...worm holes...BLACK HOLES! JESUS...BLACK HOLES!!! DID YOU READ THAT?! BLACK FUCKING HOLES!! MY MAJESTIC CONSTELLATION IS DIMMING! Oh sweet Jesus help me!



What stars am I to use to navigate my sexual voyages by? Where do I look to?! I’ll be lost in a vaginal sea...my manhood...*whispers* dear God...MY MANHOOD!! What am I to become? What good will I be?! Will I end up dancing around playing a lute? WILL I END UP PLAYING A FUCKING LUTE?



*Spreads arms wide*...ZEUS...APOLLO...HERCULES...HEAR ME! YOUR SON IS WASTING!! SEND DOWN YOUR LIGHTENING BOLTS...RESTORE AND GIVE MIGHTY EVERLASTING STRENGTH TO MY RIP SNORTING PENISAURAS REX!!


COMMENTS

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Bijou
Bijou
07:41 Oct 26 2009

wooow, for once i'm speechless. =)





ThothLestat
ThothLestat
16:58 Oct 26 2009

Help me, Oprah! Help me, Tom Cruise!



this is the best. damn. journal.



VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
22:40 Oct 26 2009

Oo...*speechless too*,lol





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
00:45 Oct 27 2009

*raises an eyebrow*





 

It Is Over My Love

06:53 Oct 21 2009
Times Read: 1,321


How long has it been since I left? 3 weeks? A month? More? It feels like more than a month...but...I can't be sure.



It's not like I've been totally oblivious...late at night...at times...when I'm going to sleep...it wanders through my mind. It seems I can hear a soft voice whispering..."Michael...Michael...your Italian lover is here Michael and I'm so soooo cold now...come warm me up...hurry Michael before it's too late!"...I sigh and wonder if I did the right thing...I didn’t think it could ever be good between us again...was I wrong? I roll over and try to sleep.



I wonder how I could have left...I wonder why I didn't go back after a day...maybe 2...surely no more than 2...dear God...even 2 seems an eternity. Is my taste so fickle that just one can never satisfy me? Why couldn't I be true...why oh why couldn't I have stayed and saw it through? Am I damned now? Will I always hear that soft sultry voice in my head? Will it haunt me forever more?



I wince when I open the refrigerator and an odd pungent garlic smell wafts out...*hits head* DAMN MY PEPSI ADDICTION! DAMN IT TO HELL! Hey...was that bump in the aluminum foil always there? HEY...did it just move?! With my Pepsi in hand I slam the refrigerator door and try to forget...forget....forget...forget!



I don’t know what could be happening...no...NO...I’ve been down this rotting carnal road before...there’s horrible...terrible...unspeakable events taking place inside that pot with the aluminum foil top! Dear God the horror! I’m willing to wager it no longer, even remotely, now looks like spaghetti. I pound on the refrigerator door and scream...”YOU’RE DEAD TO ME NOW...YOU’RE DEAD TO ME NOW! LEAVE ME ALONE...IT’S OVER!! DO YOU HEAR? OVER!”. I collapse on the floor sobbing and breathing heavy.



Sweet Jesus what am I going to do now? No...NO...don’t even think it! My gag reflex has a hair trigger...there’s no way I can clean that pot out now without major spewing! Maybe...MAYBE...I could run the pot out to the dumpster...turn my head...hold my breath...flip it over and shake it with all my might...maybe the alien thing that spaghetti has become will plop out whole into the bin? I could have a big bucket of soapy water waiting to drop the pot in? I’m going to need rubber gloves and a welders hood...long sleeves...oh yeah...very long sleeves.


COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
23:56 Oct 21 2009

Ah yes, the unspeakable leftovers in the fridge...I kept a Whopper for 3 years once...





 

The Christmas Bink

18:02 Oct 18 2009
Times Read: 1,342


Fu-Miss-Chu especially loved our midnight walks during the Christmas season. I know she could see the lights and in her own doggy way, was charmed by them. The air was crisp and cold and she loved the cold, so much so that many times she would just lay in a snow drift, 20 degrees outside and there she was, nestled in a drift, happy as could be.



We’d walk through the darkened neighborhood streets and I’d look at the Christmas Trees in peoples houses while Chu pissed on the base of their mail box, I swear she knew just how much to expend so she’d have enough for each and everyone. She’d prance and snort and huff and puff and we did this for 15 years, her and I.



She went where I went, if I went shopping, she went shopping, for Chu there was no such thing as too many car rides. It didn’t matter what the weather was, it could be raining or a full on blizzard with a chill factor of 30 degrees below zero, she’d have her head out the window loving it, you should see what a snow matted face of a black Chow Chow looks like, priceless. Believe me, she would throw a fit if I didn’t roll down that window!



One Christmas season she was, of course, with me when I went to the Super Kmart to purchase some items. I bought bath towels and such and I ran into a display of stuffed toys. Chu loved her “Binks”, she would positively light up when she received one, she’d continuously shake the hell out of it and carry it around in her mouth for weeks. I found a very cute stuffed Christmas reindeer, very floppy, very shakable and bought it with the rest of my items. Now she wasn’t getting it till Christmas so I stuffed all the way to the bottom of the bag, I totally covered it up with the rest of my loot, it was buried out of sight.



I put the bag on the floor in the back seat as we drove to another store. As I was coming out of that store, walking towards the car, I could see Chu’s head popping up looking out the window from the back seat. Up, down, up, down, up, down, she was looking for me and I found out why when I got to the car. There was Chu in the back seat shaking the hell out of her Christmas Bink. All the other items were out of the bag and on the floor, how she knew that stuffed toy was in that bag I’ll never know. She knew she wasn’t supposed to have it, but I couldn’t scold her because she was in such Binky ecstasy. I still have all her Binks in my bedroom, there must be 4 or 5 dozen.



Chu died Christmas morning of 2007…I miss you more than words can say…you will always be in my heart and mind Chu.



~May you be shredding groundhogs in Heaven~


COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
23:18 Oct 18 2009

ah, R.I.P. Fu-Miss-Chu...my heart goes out to you on this post. Our pets are indeed like our children...a part of our lives for all eternity.





madamefate
madamefate
03:32 Oct 19 2009

What an interesting name!





 

Cdogs

17:48 Oct 17 2009
Times Read: 1,363


Now a few days back...in my hast...I accidentally bought Kroger Hot Dogs made out of Turkey and Pork...at lunch that day, as I spit out the first bite, this error became unconditionally known to me...OH F*CKING ACK...SPIT...SPIT...SPIT! Yes...yes I chastised myself completely and drove back down to Kroger’s yesterday and bought All Beef Franks for my lunch today...OH F*CKING YUM! They’re boiling as I type.



The problem arose when I realized I had a package of Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs that I sure as HELL wasn’t going to eat and for once in my life I, apparently, learned a valuable lesson with my last Spaghetti Incident...I decided to throw them out immediately! RIGHT F*CKING NOW! No waiting...I didn’t listen to that little voice...until it said...”That’s pretty wasteful Mr. Tu!”.



Sorry...my Kroger All Beef Franks were finished boiling and I had to go eat them along with a Vlasic Polish Dill Spear and a smattering of Ballreichs Potato Chips...WHAT? You’ve never heard of Ballreichs Potato Chips? Well...let me tell you...they are a very premium potato chip...THE BEST! I’d be very glad to mail you a bag for a small fee.



In any event...that little voice had made me feel rather guilty about wasting those Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs and I was in a quandary about what to do with them...when...the little voice then said...”Just toss them out in our little castle front yard and, during the night, Raccoons will eat them...you know Raccoons will eat just about anything...well...I doubt even Raccoons would have eaten that Spaghetti...but...other than that they’ll nosh just about anything!”...I thought that idea was just fantastic...not to mention...very Green and I felt quite proud to be doing my part to combat Global Warming.



So that’s what I did...I felt uneasy even touching those Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs...I mean...it was possible that I could contaminate my Kroger All Beef Franks...but I figured if I washed my hands a few dozen times, my Kroger All Beef Franks should be protected from any fluidic transfer phenomenon. Feeling safer, I tossed them helter skelter about my small front yard in anticipation of my nocturnal Raccoon visitors...then ran into my bathroom and scrubbed my hands with Borax.



Well I’ll be go to Hell...early this morning at 11 am...those f*cking Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs were still laying where I had tossed them...it seems Raccoons find Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs as uneatable as I! I wasn’t about to go out and collect them...the Raccoons probably peed on them...Lord knows I had the very same thought myself. I was standing looking out my window at those Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dogs...swearing under my breath...when a Rabbit hopped up to one...I held my breath...*quiet*...



I could see the Rabbit sniffing...it’s nostrils doing that quick little flaring bunny flare...it’s eyes sharp, searching for danger...I know...I KNOW...why wasn’t I in my bushes with my golf club? Damnit! Oh you get away today Mr. Rabbit...yes...TODAY you do!



All at once that Rabbit snatched up that Kroger Turkey and Pork Crap Dog and flew like a flash...I open my shutters and threw up my sash...and screamed...”TAKE THEM ALL YOU STUPID F*CKING BUNNY!”.


COMMENTS

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madamefate
madamefate
18:05 Oct 17 2009

LMAO! silly mr. tu crap turkey dogs are for bunnies not humans





Nightgame
Nightgame
21:23 Oct 17 2009

LOL now this was funny, having bought those same nasty things at Kroger I stick with all beef too.





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
00:56 Oct 18 2009

You got me laughing again.

*makes note to stay away from turkey dogs* !





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
06:14 Oct 18 2009

If anything comes from Hell...it is Kroger Turkey & Pork Crap Dogs!





 

MeanMeanMrTu's Simple Pleasures

04:49 Oct 17 2009
Times Read: 1,378


Now…before I get started…by no means am I implying that female breasts are not the greatest simple pleasure in life…THEY ARE! NO DOUBT! HANDS DOWN! NO CONTEST! So now that we have that cleared up…



…one of the greatest simple pleasures in life is a good session in the old LAV-VA-TWA (that‘s French for bathroom)! And until one has had bad sessions in the old LAV-VA-TWA, one can not truly understand! Give me my 15th Century Italian Renaissance Art 8th Addition and a smoke, and I’m pretty happy! Ya just gotta love Botticelli and that rascal Michelangelo! (I’m a classically trained artist…betcha didn’t know that…any of you gals wanna pose for a nude? *winks*)



…another simple pleasure is...*click...puff puff puff*...a cigarette and there are many times, usually after, that they are just Heaven on Earth *exhaaaaaaaaaaales*! I knooooow…you non smokers can not understand and that’s fine…you’re just going to have to trust me on this one!



…alright…this one goes without saying…but…new born animals…little baby hounds and all the rest. Is there anything that can invoke more simple joy? I think not! When I got to play with those 15 week old Bengal tiger cubs…well…it could have went on forever and I wouldn’t have complained! Animals are truly one of the greatest simple pleasures we can have…TREAT THEM NICE…or you may have a visit from MeanMeanMrTu!



…I wish I had this simple pleasure right now…a double cheese pizza with mushrooms, burnt, and a ice cold Pepsi! OhhhHHhhhhhhhh be still my salivating mouth! MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm!!



…and one of the biggest simple pleasures in life I get to have tonight!!! It’s pouring down rain outside with some nice thunder action happening in the distance! I love to go to sleep hearing the rain and thunder! It must awaken some type of primal memory of being inside dry and warm. I’ll sleep like a new born hound tonight! Why it makes me want to sing…”Raaaaaaaaain….Rain On Meeeeeeeeeee…Raaaaaaaaain….Rain On Meeeeeeeeeee!” (‘The Who’…for those Rocker Impaired.)



In closing, let me recap…I’ll take women’s breasts over all the above! OHhhHHhh ho ho Ho hO!



Ps. Oh…and walking in the rain with the one you love…AHHH ha ha haaaaaa *snorts*


COMMENTS

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madamefate
madamefate
07:19 Oct 17 2009

hmmmm why must the pizza be burnt?





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
16:57 Oct 17 2009

ah..MrTu has a sweet side after all! *winks*





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
17:36 Oct 17 2009

!. Because they do.



2. I would not bet on that!





madamefate
madamefate
18:09 Oct 17 2009

yick! how burnt are we talking about? Burnt enough that if you threw it out the window it would decapitate someone? *ponders the mental image* Oh for fucks sake! I need one of those!!!!





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
06:19 Oct 18 2009

No no noooo...enough that the crust is crispy and the cheese on top has small brown patches...OH FUCKING YUM!





madamefate
madamefate
05:53 Oct 21 2009

*wonders if you can decapitate someone with a burnt piece of pizza* * grins*





Joli
Joli
21:53 Oct 22 2009

"any of you gals wanna pose for a nude?" mm hmm...you thought you could slip that past me, huh? HE'S NUDE! HE'S NUDE!!





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
05:13 Oct 23 2009

Now I know...you are much to quick for that Miss Joli!





 

Dry Humping Jennifer Aniston

04:41 Oct 16 2009
Times Read: 1,401


I was just thinking...remember when "Friends" ended and Jennifer Aniston started her movie career? Remember that movie...the name of which escapes me...where in she played a married woman that had an affair with a co-worker from their drug store? Now her movie husband...the guy that starred in "Walk Hard"...had a creepy little swarthy friend who played the guy that screamed when he thought his friend had been turned into a toad in the movie "Oh Brother Where Art Thou"...yeah him...in the movie he catches Jennifer's character having the affair and then black mails her into having sex with him.



Now during that black mail sex scene...the swarthy creepy little bastard is on top of Jennifer "simulating" intercourse...and Jennifer is definitely naked from...at least...the waist up. Oh sure sure...they covered most of it up with a sheet and I don't think for one second that actual carnal knowledge was happening...but let's face it...both their bodies were in the right position with actual contact. Oh come on...yes they covered up Jennifer's nipples with tricky camera angles...much to my dismay...but they were exposed. OH YES THEY WERE!



Now...you can scream "Artsy Fartsy" at me until the cows come home...but...I know damn well that if a man...even a swarthy little creepy man...even if it's only a movie...and remember he did get to see Jennifer's nipples...he is going to get an erection...case closed end of story! There’s going to be “grinding” going on.



I HEAR YOU! "Mr. Tu this was only a movie...that was "Art"...it wasn't real!"...well...yes...and no. In actuality he was really...in real time...right then and there...with exposed heavenly nipples...dry humping Jennifer Aniston. That...really happened. They both knew what that really...really...felt like...it really happened. Wow...the sacrifices some swarthy creepy little actors have to make for "Art"...what a terrible memory that must be.



HEY HOLLY"WOOD"...next time you need some swarthy creepy little bastard to dry hump Jennifer Aniston...CALL ME...I WILL DO IT FOR FREE! FREE!!! BELIEVE ME...I CAN DO IT!



What I can't figure out...is how Hollywood Movie Premiers and parties...don’t erupt into huge drunken brawls? I mean...there you’d have a swarthy creepy little bastard that knew what Jennifer Aniston’s nipples looked like and what it really felt like to dry hump her! Then you’d also have Jennifer Aniston there who knew he knew what her nipples looked like and what it really felt like to dry hump her...wouldn’t that feel kind of creepy? How would Jennifer Aniston’s beau feel about that? Is that why Brad dumped her?



It’s a funny world.


COMMENTS

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madamefate
madamefate
05:01 Oct 16 2009

is the movie you are thinking of management?





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
05:33 Oct 16 2009

Actually I just now remembered..."The Good Wife"...I think that was it.





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
20:24 Oct 16 2009

Yes, I saw that movie and I had to laugh at your scenario..:) Well...hmm..I have to agree...it would be odd having a great sex scene in the land of make believe and then having the movie premier with all the significant others..





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
05:22 Oct 17 2009

Yes it would VB...yes it would.





 

I Can Not Sleep

05:26 Oct 15 2009
Times Read: 1,420


I'm a very picky sleeper, things have to be just so, or I can not go to sleep...I...can...not...go...to...sleep! To start with, and this is non-negotiable, I have to be laying on my stomach with my head facing to the right. Now I bring my right leg up, knee about waist high, and my left leg straight out with my left foot hanging over the end of the coffin...left...foot...hanging...over...the...end...of...the...coffin! I slip my left arm under the pillow and bring it up and out to my right and then up onto another pillow. The pillow case opening has to be on the right so I can clutch the ends in my right hand and push in, this gives my face enough support while at the same time keeps the pillow from touching my nose, this prevents "hot face", as I like to call it.



Now comes the real important issues! I sleep naked, but I can't go to sleep with my buttocks uncovered, I just can't! Buttocks...must...be...covered! Not only must my buttocks be covered, but said covering can not, under any circumstance, can not slip down, any amount, between my sensitive buttock cheeks! Not even a fraction of an inch! No slippage...between...my...buttock cheeks! Silk sheets are terrible for slipping, major buttock cheeks slipping with silk! I need cotton sheets to sleep...cotton! No slippage!



As if this all wasn't enough, there is one last major item..."The Bullweiner"! He can not be at odd angles...he must be relaxed *winks*...he can not be smashed in any way, shape, or form...he...can...not...be...smashed! If he's not happy I'm not happy! He even has his own "Bullweiner Pillow". His comfort is ultra important for going to sleep!



Lastly, a fan must be blowing on me at all times...yessssss...even in the winter...a cool to cold bedroom is a must! I can not go to sleep if...I...am...sweating!



If there's nights I must toss and turn (and there are more than I care to have) this all just gets mirrored...flip...flop...flip...flop...flip...flop...if I come home drunk on my buttocks...this is all moot!



Sleeping with a mate pet peeves:



1. Your face two inches from mine breathing "Crest Breath"! (I hate Crest...use Aquafresh! Besides, it's just creepy!)

2. Pinned on my back with your head on my chest, your breath giving me "Hot Neck"!

3. Knees in my back!

4. Taking all the sheets...my buttocks must...be...covered!

5. Tooting under the sheets! If your sick go to the bathroom!

6. If you're going to talk in your sleep, make it interesting and at least wait till I get the recorder running!

7. Cold feet on my legs and/or back!

8. Don't be stingy!


COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
20:28 Oct 16 2009

This has to be the best thing I ever read from you, my friend. I am rolling on the leather couch at this moment...just getting a "visual" of all this has me in stitches.





 

The Tree Whisperer

21:54 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,441


This has been going on for weeks now...and I have to say I finally had my fill of it! Every time I walk out my castle door...the trees hiss at me...yeah I know...the BASTARDS! Last night on the way out to my most favorite dark corners...Mr. Maple started in on me...*hiss*. I spun on my heels and sternly said..."What the fuck is your problem Mr. Maple?"..."You are purposely trying to kill my fellow plants and myself!" he replied. I stood there stunned.



I said to him..."Global Warming is a lot of bullshit Mr. Maple...what are you stupid?"..."That's not...exactly... what I'm talking about Einstein!”...said Mr. Maple.



I hate it when a tree calls me Einstein! “Then what the Hell are you talking about?”...I asked.



He rolled his buds and said...”My fellow plants and myself need carbon dioxide to breath...you know...Carbon Foot Prints...that’s what we breathe.”...I crossed my arms and he went on...”If you think...we...the plant life of this world...are not capable of controlling carbon emissions...which we have done for billions of years...well...you are stupid! If you...a short sighted carnivore monkey...stop all forms of carbon emissions...we plants all die!”.



I hate it when a tree calls me a short sighted carnivore monkey!



He wasn’t finished...”Do you know what the waste product of my fellow plants and myself is monkey boy? It’s oxygen...yeah...you know...that little item you and the rest of the animals breath to live! Now come on...put on your vampire thinking cap (oddly enough I have one)...should my fellow plants and myself start dying from a lack of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere...then?”. I started tapping my foot and said...“Yes I know...then eventually animals, including short sighted carnivore monkeys, start dying from a lack of oxygen in the atmosphere.”



He flexed a few limbs and said...”That’s right Al...we have a symbiotic relationship...we die...you die! What my fellow plants and myself can’t figure out is why you and the environmentalists are trying to kill us?! You talking monkeys are supposed to be protecting us...like you did in the 60s and 70s...remember? Hell...one of you nut jobs sat in one of my cousins for a whole fucking year!”.



“Al? My names not Al!”...I said.

“You’re not Al Gore?”...Mr. Maple asked.

“NO...I’m not goddamn Al Gore!”...I screamed.

“Oh...sorry...you short sighted carnivore monkeys all look the same to me.”



*I turned and walked back inside to find my axe.*


COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
23:20 Oct 14 2009

That was a great one...you monkey you !





madamefate
madamefate
02:46 Oct 15 2009

*dies laughing* you now have a new nickname here on vr. the vampire monkey!!!! LOL





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
03:17 Oct 15 2009

*raises an eyebrow*...careful.





 

Buttons VS Pullovers

00:25 Oct 14 2009
Times Read: 1,458


Oh baby...buttons on a woman's blouse is simply the best...THE BEST! Is there anything better than that slow...slow...opening of the most gorgeous objects on the planet? The anticipation of the absolute yummiest of yums? OH F*CKING YUM I THINK NOT! The feel of each button in one's fingers as...*pop*...one descends...*pop*...down the front...*pop*...of that...*pop*...blouse! Inch by inch...kiss by kiss...suck by suck....nip by nip...exposing the soft female breast flesh that lies beneath...it's like being a child on Christmas morning again! Buttons on a woman's blouse...THAT'S HOT!



Now...one has the pullover blouse...I admit...the pullover is not as HOT as the button down blouse...but...it does have it's own unique little charms. As one pushes said pullover up the body...again slowly...one has the opportunity to kiss suck and nip the tummy region as the tide of the pullover recedes towards those mountains of majesty...THAT'S HOT! But the real allure of the pullover is this...the woman's arms have to be raised above their head to remove the pullover...and then...when the neck line of the pullover slips just past the woman's mouth...one pins their arms and head with the pullover...leaving just the mouth exposed. Kissing the woman in this compromised position is...well...HOT!! This makeshift blindfold always gets a reaction my fellow simians...they may buck a bit...sure...but...THAT'S F*CKING HOT TOO!! Personally I like to use a Leather Sparticus for such things...but there are times...one just has to make do!



Wait...WAIT! I hear you Kahnians...”Why don’t we just rip that pullover, or button down blouse, right off their body Mr. Tu?”...fair enough question...and yes...you are right...that is INCREDIBLY HOT...but...



...with the button down blouse...should one rip all those buttons off...which IS HOT...someone’s going to have to sew them all back on...one‘s not going to ruin the blouse simply by tearing the buttons off...and...the woman’s going to tell you that if you want to do that again...YOU...are going to be doing all that sewing...f*ck that *snorts*!



As far as the pullover goes...one must be very careful fabric wise. See...should the pullover be made of linen...or some other flimsy material...well...hell...TEAR AWAY...THAT’S HOT...and always...ALWAYS...make at least three tears to do the job...don’t just make one single rip...there’s an anticipation factor even in tearing and the bonus is...that pullover IS going to be ruined...so there’s no post sewing involved! Yes yes yes...one is going to hear...”You are going to buy me a new pullover!”...but in my opinion...that’s money well spent!



Now...should the pullover be made out of a fabric more robust...such as a sweatshirt type material...well...tearing becomes much more difficult...not impossible...but difficult...and women can get pretty testy about cloth burns on the back of their necks...trust me on this one...so...in the case of a resistant fabric...go for the Head Arm Blindfold Pin...IT’S HOT!!!



We’ll discuss proper brassier removal next.



WHAT?! OF COURSE THE WOMAN’S TIED DOWN IN BOTH SCENARIOS...don’t be ridiculous!


COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
01:24 Oct 14 2009

Oh my goodness, Mr.Tu...I can not find the words to comment :)





Bijou
Bijou
22:15 Oct 14 2009

i love it when, after a guy undoes a button he kisses me on the lips, now that's hot and sexy. But i must say i enjoyed this little piece.





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
22:39 Oct 14 2009

I'm just trying to help...*sighs*...I'm a giver.





 

The Fantasy

21:03 Oct 13 2009
Times Read: 1,469


We sit in some little dive bar drinking Michs and tequila. The conversation is obviously great, our eyes and hands never leaving each other, always in contact. The rest of the world blurs and falls away as we talk and laugh. We’re both getting a little drunk and being a little silly, but it’s very easy, you make me smile. You put your hands in my jacket pocket to pull me close, then pull out a neck tie and ask me “what’s this”? I blush and explain that I didn’t know where we were going and I wanted to be ready if we went somewhere “nice”, then we laugh at the silliness of it. You put it back and pull me closer. We huddle close in our own world, our heads almost touching, then I have to, I have to lean in and gently take your lips in a soft, small lingering kiss. Your lips, your breath, the easy movement of your mouth all taste and feel like heaven. The vampire is coming, I can feel him pushing, he’s taking my eyes and I can’t stop him, he glances at your low cut blouse, the buttons, those beautiful buttons, buttons always excite him and he comes stronger now. You excuse yourself and we watch you walk away, both admiring your sway, you glance back and smile at us, I soften, melt, I weaken, and the vampire takes control. MeanMeanMr. Tu is here, I wonder if you’ll notice.



I watch you coming back, your shoulders, your throat, your mouth, those soft inviting mounds beneath your blouse. I hunger to taste them, take them, bite them, make them burn at my touch and kiss. Someone plays “Candy Colored Clown” on the jukebox, one of my favorite songs, I close my eyes and burn. Before you can sit I take your hand and pull you to the dance floor. I hold you close and look into your eyes, I see the deep universe that spins there, I see the beauty, the sorrow. I brush a fallen strand of hair from your face then kiss you fiercely. We sway to the song locked in our kiss, hot, hungry, sucking kiss. I feel my nose beside yours brushing as we part then meet again. I feel your body, aware of how every curve touches against me. My heart pounds like thunder and I have to be careful not to crush you in my growing embrace. My body is steel and I know you feel it by the way you push into me. Hunger. With my hands exploring your back , I kiss and nip to your ear and whisper “Honey bunny we must go now”. You sigh a little animal sigh and lay your head on my chest, we sway as the song ends, I could weep when you pull away from me.



You take my hand and we turn from the dance floor, everyone is staring at us, but let’s face it darling, we are beautiful, we are magic, and they quickly look away when they meet my eyes, I must admit I love that. We laugh and I give you a little side hip nudge as I put my arm around your waist. We gather our belongings at the bar and down our last shots, I wink at you and you smile. I take your hand and we walk out into the night laughing.



We drive through the dessert, cold, beautiful, the moon is full and the stars shining. You huddle close next tu me, it’s like we are two school kids going to prom, I smile at this thought. You turn on the radio and an old Mo Town song just starting, I adore old Mo Town…”Well he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance…he looked pretty nice and so I thought I’d might take a chance…and when we danced he held me tight…and then he walked me home that night…and all the stars were shining bright…” and then I sing “and then he bit me”. You find this simply hilarious and we laugh and both sing that throughout the song. You kiss my cheek and lightly on my throat, I tremble with desire and you… you…you ..you little minx know and smile. The moon and stars shine for us and us alone, nothing has ever felt this perfect. Hunger.



I fall a half step back as we walk to your door, hands still joined, admiring your legs, your waist, and forgive me dear one, your ass. Hunger. You ask me in for coffee, and even though I don’t drink such, I know it will never come, so I accept. You close the door, turn and I am right there. I reach and shut the lights back off, press you into the wall with my body and take you in a burning kiss. Our tongues intertwined, pulling at each others mouth, lips chewing, nipping at your throat, my hands are exploring every inch of you. I pull out your blouse and squeeze your waist, move my hands up and feel your ribs, stroke them, taking your breasts and feel your nipples harden beneath your bra, I moan in our kiss. Hunger. I gently take you by your throat, throw a nod towards the hall and say “Take me there”…


COMMENTS

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NyteShade
NyteShade
18:31 Mar 28 2010

shower time now all I'm saying





 

Something

06:39 Oct 13 2009
Times Read: 1,480


What can I possibly write in this journal? Since traveling to this place...yet again...I've given this considerable thought. I do not know.



Should I write of my nights on Clink Street in Old London Town? No...no...let them speculate until the end of time on that little endeavor.



Do I write about the hunt? The endless dark corners I've stood in and watched? The taste of cigarettes and alcohol on those lovely red lips? Do I write how the tear of fabric quickens my heart? The leather wrists restraints forever in my pocket?



To me it seems tiresome to write of evil...I live it every night. I think of you...I remember...I remember all that transpired...every touch...every heart beat...yes...yes I do.



Do I write of love...if there is such a thing? I'm not well suited for such meanderings. One needs a reference point...do they not?



Mon Dieu! What?! The truth is it all seems boring to me now...*yawns*...all of it. Sometimes it feels as though I'm finished...there's no new thoughts...I feel like a burned out husk.



I'll think of something.







COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
13:38 Oct 13 2009

Beautiful ...yet sad.





madamefate
madamefate
17:37 Oct 13 2009

sounds like you have a lot of stories brewing inside of you. You'll think of something





 

Add To Friends List

18:08 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,531


See...I just had an obscure odd idea...but...I was a little wary of doing it. Has anyone ever tried to add themselves to their own friends list? After all...who is actually one's best friend *raises an eyebrow*?



I was almost ready to click for myself...the cursor was right over top the link...when I stopped. My mouse finger trembled as I pondered. My mind whispered to me...*You know bad things happen when we do something like this.*...I whispered back to my mind...*Yeah I know...should we do it?*...my mind whispered...*NO YOU FOOL! We could be cast into some kind of vortex...our pc could fall in on itself...DON'T DO IT!*.



So I didn't add myself to me own friends list....but God...I'm curious!



Is there a brave and sage soul here that will jump into the unknown?



Try it and let me know what happens...if you can *raises an eyebrow again*.


COMMENTS

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ThothLestat
ThothLestat
18:26 Oct 06 2009

Baby steps, baby steps...



Stalk yourself first.

This won't technically cause the wave-forms to collapse. You should be okay.



Sure, it's not the same as befriending yourself, but you won't be the one to blame when the space-time continuum rips apart. And there's a lot to be said for that.





Morrigon
Morrigon
18:48 Oct 06 2009

I actually eased into it backwards. It helps.





SinginGhost88
SinginGhost88
18:54 Oct 06 2009

I added myself. No harm done :P. If I disappear after today, you'll know why :)





madamefate
madamefate
22:58 Oct 06 2009

lol not to sound pathetic but I always add myself and my journal first off when I signed up. Makes me feel better. After all the biggest fan of me, is me :D





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
01:57 Oct 07 2009

Wow...you're all making me feel like a wee girl...a sissy...a coward for not doing it myself. You brave souls took the plunge without hesitation...unless...*ponders*...unless...you are all just saying you did...when you really didn't! Perhaps you all know one who did and was never seen again! Perhaps this is a conspiracy to rid The Vampire Rave of yours truly *raises an eyebrow*! I guess there's only one way to find the truth...*holds breath and clicks*.





madamefate
madamefate
04:09 Oct 07 2009

wait wait wait!

don't push that button!!!



whew that was close

now you can go back to adding yourself lol





AlexandraAshes
AlexandraAshes
05:57 Oct 07 2009

I find it ever so handy, when I want to make sure I *am* lurking, when I want to be lurking.





Sinora
Sinora
13:53 Oct 07 2009

You old scardy cat lol





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
19:14 Oct 07 2009

*Old?*





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
15:35 Oct 08 2009

Its ok...its ok...your not old...:) And yes, I have added myself to my friends list after I stalked myself. Hmm..that sounds kinky somehow.





 

Number 13

03:35 Oct 06 2009
Times Read: 1,554


Well...about...*looks at imaginary watch on wrist*...32 minutes ago I recieved my 13th Seat Belt Violation! Damn that Quarter Pounder! Damn that Quarter Pounder to Hell!! You see...I was hungry and feeling a tad bit lazy so I drove across town to McDonalds for supper...that's clear across town. I wanted to eat it while I watched a few re-runs of The Office which made me a little anxious to get back before my Quarter Pounder became cold...yeah...I hate cold Quarter Pounders too!



As I approached a light...downtown...it turned yellow...CAUTION...but with my Quarter Pounder's warmth draining away I decided to go for it! After I made it through the light I quickly cheked all my mirrors to see if Johnny Law had observed my haste. *Ah you crafty f*cker*...I thought to myself...*He did not*...nary a JL in sight! Of course I was feeling rather smug when the next light turned yellow...CAUTION...as I approached...but...armed with unaccountability after my recent conquest and seeing how every second my Quarter Pounder became colder...*What the f*ck*...I thought to myself and with expert handling...raced through that light as well.



I didn't even look in my mirrors...I was so sure of my stealth. That's when I heard the siren...the bleating of that Johnny Law Vehicle that now flashed it's lights in my rear view mirror...CRAP! *Oh this is going to cost you Mr. Tu!*...I thought to myself.



The officer was quite surprised to find I had 12 Seat Belt Violations in my past...what a look I received...his eyes said it all...scoff law...brigand...rabble rouser. He said he was going to give me a break on running a Red Light. It was YELLOW...but...believe me...there's no point in arguing. I was giving him my best...*Huh? Who me?...look when he said..."Do you know you've had 12 Seat Belt Violations Mr. Tu?"...well...I really turned on the...*Huh? Who me?*...look while he said..."Well here's number 13.".



As he returned to his cruiser...after I was sure he was out of ear shot...I whispered...*Nazi*.



I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on you can't make me I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on oh no I won't I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I won't put it on I WON'T PUT IT ON!!



Yes...it was cold by the time I returned home. CRAP!


COMMENTS

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madamefate
madamefate
08:13 Oct 06 2009

chuckles that will teach ya! Next time you should get some food that's closer so you don't have to drive so fast to get home lol.





ThothLestat
ThothLestat
13:49 Oct 06 2009

ha ha ha.... awesome.

Fight the power!





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
17:26 Oct 06 2009

Solidarity!





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
15:42 Oct 08 2009

You had me almost rolling off the chair laughing on this one. You could easily write for a news paper doing a daily column.

and by the way...perhaps you should learn the art of eating in the car while its still warm...the quarter pounder that is...just remember not to run the lights as you devour the juiciness...





 

Winter

07:07 Oct 03 2009
Times Read: 1,571


Ah...my winter is almost here...I feel giddy...I love the snow and cold...it's when I walk.



I wear what you can see on my page...my Homburg...long black gentlemen's coat...leather gloves. I love the cold wind blowing the hair about my face...I love the frosty bite on my flesh...the crunch of snow beneath my shoes.



I walk...at night of course...in a very nice neighborhood and it's oh so picturesque. Nice neat trimmed upper middle class homes...further down the street even multi million dollar homes. All nestled in snow drifts...their interior lights look warm and inviting...their outer lights adding just the right touch of wealth.



I look in as I pass each one...sometimes I see middle aged couples watching television wrapped in comforters...other times a figure walking to another room...vague pictures on walls...clocks...ah ha ha the occasional family pet...many times they run to the window to look out...they seem to know I'm there...I never linger...I just keep walking.



Do you know what I see when I look in? I see falseness. I wonder what atrocities and horrors those warm lights mask. Surely they can't be as "Ozzie and Harriet" as they look...no...no...that can not be. I often imagine the occupants running out as I pass and scream their horrible truths... confess to me what they truly are.



Yes...I love walking on cold winter nights.


COMMENTS

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Bijou
Bijou
08:39 Oct 03 2009

very poetic, i love it





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
02:02 Oct 04 2009

...aah..the secrets that lurk behind those "perfect couples" and "perfect homes"...one would cringe if they could read their minds.





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
17:28 Oct 06 2009

It would be interesting to know...yes...yes it would.





 

The Kiss

06:18 Oct 01 2009
Times Read: 1,594


Right off the bat (Ah ha ha ha ha) let me say that there is never...never...ever any reason to come at a person like one is a Muskie sucking the slime from the bottom of Lake Erie...especially if this is a first kiss! Nor is there ever any reason for a person to feel as though they are being impregnated by an "Alien" and let's try to keep the slobbering down to a minimum.



From my own...very extensive...personal experience and from what I've heard throughout my lives...you people are in need of some serious...serious...serious advice. So being the kind and gentle soul I am...here...is the perfect kiss...take notes if you need.



The mouth should be open no more than 1/2 inch upon initial contact and keep those tongues at bay...an experienced bomber never drops their full armament on the first pass. Explore the kissie's lips and mouth...soft kisses on either lip is recommended...as is a very slow...I SAID VERY SLOW...biting motion. Don't underestimate the sensuality of caressing their nose with yours during this preliminary interaction and said action should last at least 1 minute or more...I SAID ONE MINUTE OR MORE!



IF...you're doing this right (and you'll know) you can now open your mouth to no more than 1 inch...no one wants their lower face covered up with your mouth...it's awkward...1 INCH!



Now tongue action should have mutual ground...you are not going to try and drive yours down the others throat (don't wiggle it fast...your tongue is not a fishing lure...what the hell is that?)! The tongues should meet and intertwine half way...a little in both mouths gently playing...I SAID A LITTLE IN BOTH MOUTHS! During this stage you both need to pull against each others breath...you need suction in this kiss! There's nothing worse than thinking you're kissing an empty void! Suction is the key here and keep that slow...SLOW...biting motion going. Sure...sure...you can break now and then and give them the old "Kiss On The Jaw" routine...but...come right back to this kiss.



And lastly...control your mouth juices! No one wants your spit dripping down their chin! Men...if you're doing this correctly you can easily slip your hand up under their blouse and gently...I SAID GENTLY...cup and caress a breast and nipple with your thumb. Women...if you're doing this correctly (or even not) you can slowly reach down and gently cup their...their...*faints*


COMMENTS

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xRobin3x
xRobin3x
06:44 Oct 01 2009

you need to teach classes lol my b/f first :D



nicely done lolol





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
01:27 Oct 02 2009

lol...so true..luckily my guy kisses quite well,lol





margareet
margareet
09:44 Oct 02 2009

omg, hahahahhahaha, you had me cracking up dear. but you know your absolutely right! nothing worse then a bad kisser. maybe thats why I have given up on men, got tired of teaching them!lol ( think im kidding?**looks at you with one eye brow raised) . Must also say dear, its pretty sensual on how you described it, instead of music alone,, how about you help me write the seductive parts, and take the credit?hahaha, sounds like you have enough experience to do the "dirty" work.. **grins evilly**





MeanMeanMrTu
MeanMeanMrTu
17:30 Oct 06 2009

Perhaps I should post my Vampire Fantasy...*ponders*.





VAMPIREBLONDEE
VAMPIREBLONDEE
19:50 Oct 08 2009

yes indeed..you should








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