The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for you to clean my bathroom...then we'll see how jolly you are...

The Vampire

~Factory noise~

Supervisor…”YOU HAVE A HEARING TEST!”.

Me…”THE ONE IN GERMANY?”.

Supervisor…”WHAT?!”.

Me…”THE BEER FEST…IN GERMANY?”.

Supervisor…”NO…*Points at head*…YOU HAVE A HEARING TEST!”.

Me…”WHAT?”.

Supervisor…”…*Stab points at ear*…HEEEEEAAARRRING TEST!!”.

Me…”WHAT?!”.

Then they get mad.

Ah...my winter is almost here...I feel giddy...I love the snow and cold...it's when I walk.

I wear what you can see on my page...long black gentleman's coat...black scarf…leather gloves. I love the cold wind blowing the hair about my face...the frosty bite on my flesh...the squealing crunch of snow beneath my shoes.

I walk...at night of course...in a very nice neighborhood that's very picturesque. Nice neat trimmed upper middle class homes and further down my street even multi-million dollar homes...all nestled deep in snow drifts...their interior lights look warm and inviting...their exterior lights adding just the right touch of wealth.

I glance in as I pass each one...sometimes I see middle aged couples wrapped in comforters watching television...other times a figure walking to another room...vague pictures on walls...clocks...ah ha ha the occasional family pet...many times they run to the window and look out...they seem to know I'm there...I never linger...I just keep walking.

Do you know what I see when I look in? I see falseness. I wonder what atrocities and horrors those warm lights mask. Surely they can't be as "Ozzie and Harriet" as they look...no...no...that cannot be. I often imagine the occupants running out as I pass and scream their horrible truths... confess to me what they truly are.

Yes...I love walking on cold winter nights.

I drove to Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner tonight. Yes…their special herbs and spices were delicious…but…that’s not what this entry is about...

There must…absolutely must…be a damn good reason to spur me into leaving my little castle…a big reason…and yes…hunger qualifies.

Should you see me out and about…9 times out of 10…I’m hunting food. Sure…sure…I will do a smattering of other little chores…mail bills etc…BUT…you can bet your ass, upon returning I will have some form of dead animal in tow.

And before you ask…yes…Pepsi and cigarettes qualify as a reason to navigate society and…no… I do not have a tan, I haven’t had a tan in a few decades…I’m a little surprised I don’t have scurvy.

So…you can imagine my dismay when I had my Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner all laid out on my dungeon floor…mashed potatoes and coleslaw on the left on the bag with my biscuit…which I dip in the mashed potatoes gravy, not too much, I require sufficient gravy for the mashed potatoes, it’s a very delicate calculating procedure really…the three pieces of superbly herbed and spiced chicken nestled in the box directly in front of me…two ice cold Pepsi to my right and disc three of “Season 7 of Dexter” locked and loaded and ready to go...let the killing begin! So…you can imagine my dismay when I realized I had forgotten my sweet tooth during my prior hunt…I had no Hershey bar…do you understand?! “Season 7 of Dexter” …no Hershey bar…~scowls~...

No…a Hershey candy bar does not qualify as a legitimate reason for domicile expulsion…sure…should there be a convenient store directly outside my door…no more than 12’ away…I would have remedied the crisis…BUT THERE’S NOT…I was screwed.

It was with an almost satisfied belly that I flopped down on my couch and settled in for disc 3 of “Season 7 of Dexter”. I wiggled my way to comfort…slide my arm under my most favorite couch pillow…laid down the old noggin and that’s when my hand found…down between the cushions…three forgotten “Malted Milk Balls”.

They were delicious…and they say there’s no God.

COMMENTS

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Cora
12:15 Nov 08 2021

Lol. Perfect.

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