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I simply do not know what to write about any more. What? I mean…I’ve written and told you about the most embarrassing moments of my life! What? I HAVE! Oh…I suppose you don’t remember my “Penis Trilogy”? Cupidians? Vampire Ravians? Remember?



There was “My Precious Penis” (That’s the one I did on stage at Connections Comedy Club…man…that crowd probably gasped at least 20 times…~guffaws~…there was one woman that laughed like Rosie and every time I held the mic down like it was my penis and played the trumpeting elephant recording I had through it, that woman would just howl! I can still hear her…I was afraid she might stroke out on me!), then there was “Cleanis Penis”…ha ha ha…for those of you wondering…still is baby! And the final one…that made it a trilogy…”Sleepy Penis”.



Yeah…”Sleepy Penis”…which has to be the most embarrassing moment of my life! MY ENTIRE LIFE! Little Tu just laid there like a frightened turtle…oh man…it was brutal…every man’s worst nightmare! Ask any man what’s the worst most heinous event that could happen to him and he’ll say…”Ummm…sleepy penis”.



Penis…”I’M SORRY!”



You damn well should be!



Penis…”I AM…I’VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES!”



It’s the only blot on our otherwise spotless record! Forever…it’s there forever! And it’s not like we have a huge list of conquests for this blot to get lost in…it sticks out like a sore thumb!



Penis…”Well find her and we’ll take another run at her!”



I don’t know where the hell she is…that was 30 years ago!

Penis…”Terry Brink…that was her name.”



SHUT UP!



Penis…”From Findlay…maybe she’s still there.”



SHUT UP…you are only making it worse! She’s not going to give you another chance even if I found her!



Penis…”What do you mean ME? YOU…are just as much to blame and it’s about time you owned up to it!”



ME? What the hell are you talking about?! I was right there doing everything I could! I beseeched you over and over to wake up! I shook you!



Penis…”Oh…I see…you don’t remember the blubbering mess you were during and after the divorce?! Huh? Huh Big Boy? God…now that was embarrassing! You weren’t a man you weren’t a maaaaaaan…it’s not a wonder I separated myself from that horror.”



SHUT UP!



Penis…”…*scowls*…”.



She was quite stunning, wasn’t she.



Penis…”Oh yeah…nicest rack this eye has ever seen…remember how hot it was?!”.



Oh God yeah…must have been 120 degrees in her bedroom…stifling…no air…no window…it was hard to even breathe!



Penis…”The cards were stacked against us for sure.”



I suppose they were little buddy.



Penis…”So…are we finally finished with this blame game?”



Yeah…I suppose we are…30 years is too long to still be holding on to it.



Penis…”Good…and speaking of holding on to it…I could use a little attention right now.”



SHUT UP!

COMMENTS

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Joli
17:42 Jul 17 2012

You're one of my Top Ten favorite crazy people.

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ladybriarrose
08:46 Aug 26 2012

(This is funny!) So...you talk to your penis, do you? Well at least you didn't name it, which seems to be the trendy thing to do for the male of the species. Unless....hmm...guess I had better read on. *smiles*

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