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7 entries this month
Boobbocity08:45 Feb 27 2010
Times Read: 801
NOW…NOW…NOW…settle down…take a deep breath…relax…we’re all adults here…well…for the most part we‘re all adults here. I know you ladies are very touchy about discussion of breast size…I imagine it’s a lot like men and penis size, many men can get very uncomfortable when such a subject is broached…luckily…we Tripods will never know that discomfort…but…I digress…
…where in the world do you ladies get the idea that men want huge (I’ll try and be an adult about this) BOOBBOCITY (Alright…no I won’t)? Is it the porno magazines? Do men actually tell you this? Have you been privy to locker room talk at some point in your life? Have you been watching too many National Lampoon movies? Where!? Where did you ladies get this absolutely false idea?!
Alright…I’ll admit many men talk “Big” to each other…oh and they’ll hoot (ers) and holler and show each other naughty pictures of women with BOOBBOCITY the size of basketballs and in general behave like the breast fed starved primates they are…but…in reality…we men really don’t care how big your BOOBBOCITY is! As long as you have them! Come on guys…don’t be a pack of bastards and back me up this time!
All the women I’ve been involved with have had different size BOOBBOCITY and I’ve CHERISHED EVERY LAST PAIR!! CHERISHED!!! EVERY LAST PAIR! They’ve gone from the “Rosebud” variety, which let me tell you are just adorable, to the “Hungry Man” variety, which only means there’s more to adore! They’re ALL just lovely…I’ve never seen BOOBBOCITY that I wouldn’t stare at! Scout’s honor!
Size doesn’t matter to we men! Does it guys? NO! We don’t care at all…not one iota!! It’s all good!! Hell…it’s all great!!
So relax girls and unbutton a few more buttons and get those cameras out! We love you…WE LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!! We men have a saying I think all you women should keep in mind…”What you can’t get in your hand and mouth is a waste!”….words to live by!
Cherish Is The Word...17:43 Feb 24 2010
Times Read: 828
...I use to describe
all the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside.
You don't know how many times
I've wished that I had told you.
You don't know how many times I've wished
that I could hold you.
You don't know how many times I've wished
that I could mold you into someone who could
cherish me as much as I cherish you.
And I do cherish you,
and I do cherish you.
Cherish is the word........*Reeeeeeeeeeeetches*...*AaaaaaaAAAaaack!*...*Bluuuuuuuurrrp!*
...are you fucking kidding me?!?! Are you?! Huh?! Are YOUUUUUUU?!?! Cherish? CHERISH?! *Rests chin on hand...closes eyes real tight and thinks hard...very...very...hard!*....*Thinks some more*...*Thinks even harder*...nope...NO...I've never been cherished in my life!! Cherished?! Not once has a woman ever said to me..."I cherish you Mr. Tu...I cherrrrrrrrrrish your ass!"...NEVER...one would think by this time they'd get cherished, at the very least, ONCE in their life! I mean...COME ON! What's the problamo here?!?! ONCE! Just ONCE!
OHHHHHhhhh hoHo hO hooooo I know what you're thinking..."How many women have you cherished Mr. Tu? How many women did you sing that song too?"...fair enough question...*Rests chin on hand...closes eyes real tight and thinks hard...very...very...hard!*...alright I've come to the conclusion that "Cherished" is a two way street! How can I be expected to cherish when, apparently, I am uncherishable? HUH?! Tell me that! TELL ME THAT! How?!?
Ohhhhhhhhh it's a vicious circle...that's what it is!! It's one big vicious fuking circle! Wait...WAIT...I think I cherish womens breasts...*Considers*...*Considers*...YES...I cherish womens breasts! AHHHhhhhhhhHA! I have and do cherish...so now...I'm really getting screwed on the whole cherish gig! WHAT A JIP!!!
My Toilet Seat Floofie05:02 Feb 18 2010
Times Read: 857
A corner of my toilet seat floofie won't stay on...I slip it on...it slips off...I slip it on...it slips off!! Like I don't have enough to worry about?! The toilet seat floofie has to give me a fucking hard time now?! Now I have to sit there and wonder just how far it’s slipping off...that makes things very uncomfortable!
It always seems to go this way...I have a minor disaster happen in my world, like losing my job, and little things start going wrong...just little things...like the shower curtain will start billowing in and touching the backs of my legs while I'm shaving in the shower...I HATE THAT! IT CREEPS ME OUT! I'll turn around and slap at it, knock it out a little then turn back around to finish shaving and then 5 seconds later it touches my legs again! I'll whip around and slap it again screaming..."KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!
Just little things...like the top of a pudding cup tearing down the middle instead of straight off, I had four all do the same thing this past weekend! I’m all already for some delicious chocolate pudding and... *teeeeeeeears*...right down the damn middle...I can’t lick the bottom of half a lid off a pudding cup! Good God! Then I have to fight to get the other half off...I’ve already torn off the tab that was , apparently, designed to rip just half the lid off...so now I have to try to grip the still attached half...my fingers got very slick from the chocolate pudding that was adhered to the underneath of the second half of the lid and I ended up flipping one pudding cup onto the carpeted floor...FUCK!
Just little things...it’s during these times that I’ll...find that toe nail clipping, with my bare feet, that I lost in the carpet last week...light the wrong end of a cigarette...spill Pepsi into my keyboard...notice the scented candle I paid more for doesn’t have a scent...appliances make new funny sounds...just...little things.
Now it’s my toilet seat floofie...that fucking corner continually slipping off...*ponders*...I wonder if it’s this whole Positive Thinking thing? I mean to say...since I am in a bit of a dark and brooding mood...hmmmmm...could I be inadvertently negatively effecting the Universal Ectoplasmic Balance of the Floofiesphere?! Is that possible?! Huh? Is it?!
I can’t go out and buy just the floofie...I’d never find the right shade let alone find one that was black with a rose pattern...that Floofie Shoppe in Istanbul isn't going to have them anymore! so I’d have to buy the whole goddamn package! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I’d have to buy not only the toilet seat floofie, but the toilet bowl tank cozy, the sink mat AND the toilet bowl floor floofie! Like I’m made of money right now?!
Do me a favor kids...send some positive vibes into the Floofiesphere for me!
I Steal Toilet Paper From Work17:36 Feb 12 2010
Times Read: 881
I do...I steal toilet paper from work, I like to think of it as a "perk". I know what you're thinking...how...how Mr. Tu can you get a roll of toilet paper out the door without any one seeing it? Fair enough question...I take the roll of toilet paper while I'm in the Lav-Eh-Twah and smash it flat (stomp on it with my boots), then I push it down the back of my pants like a .357, then I lean way back so my work shirt kind of hangs real loose and I walk out swinging my arms (everyone's attention is on my swinging arms and they take no notice of any extracurricular back bulging.) I know...I know...it's brilliant! It works every time!
Now the only problem comes when I have to get in my car, I cant extract my ill gotten gains till I'm a few miles away, so I have to just swing in and sit down. The toilet paper against the seat pushes my stomach out (Doh!) and makes steering difficult, but not impossible, it's just damn uncomfortable. It does put one's leg at an odd angle so one must be careful of acceleration, I've burned rubber out of there a few times by accident! Of course that is the norm so it doesn't raise suspicion. Oh...and it's impossible to wear a seat belt during the heist, not that I would anyway, so that isn't a "give away" either.
A few miles down the road I reach back (Careful of that gas peddle! Keep your eyes on the road!) and pull it out, then set it on the passenger seat. Then all the way home I feel like "Captain Jack Sparrow" and I can't wait to get home to "Shiver Me Timbers"!
Once home there is the un-squashing to do, but I've gotten good at molding it back into a round shape. Then I set it on the back of the toilet and I'm ready to go! Ohhhh ho ho hooooooo! Get it?! "Ready to go?! AHhhhhh ha ha ha haaaaa!
I only need to do this perhaps...hmmm...twice a month...something like that. You see I'm a "folder" and "folders" use less toilet paper than "ballers". Nice little squares that stagger about 1/4 of an inch outward, maximum coverage you understand. I never understood "balling", it seems much too helter skelter, too risky, I play it safe! Plus it's a nice feeling to know I'm doing my part to combat Global Warming.
Am I going to hell?
15 Cents21:40 Feb 09 2010
Times Read: 895
I suspect there are those of you that are a little bit curious about my Day of Victory Over the Oppressors? About those pesky Managerial Lords of the Viscously Unjust Kiss My ASS? Did "he" who threw me under the bus squirm? Did I have "him" begging for "his" life? Did I cast "him" down into a Hell of Eternally Boiling Hydraulic Fluid?
I’d like to take this moment to once again give a hearty thanks to you Zeus...to you Apollo...and to you Hercules for your most welcome help! (A quick nod to you Genghis) Where would I be without you guys?!
Now...I’m not so delusional that I actually thought I’d have “him” laying at my feet while I repeatedly kicked him in the head...KICK HIM AND KICK HIM AND KICK HIM...I knew it was merely a nice day dream to have “his” head pinned in a press while I kicked him in the butt at my leisure...KICK HIM AND KICK HIM AND KICK HIM...I knew these appropriate righteous situations wouldn’t happen...I knew I had to be more realistic in my Quest of Wicked Righteous Revenge.
I thought long and hard over the weekend...long and hard kids. Sadly...most of my ideas fell into the categories above...fun to dream on...but...not a possible reality...I mean...I doubt if I could get my fist all the way into his ear...I’m not sure...but what I was sure of...was...
...”he” who threw me under the bus would behave as if nothing happened...nothing at all...”he” would ride right up on a saddle of friendship and extend his poisonous olive branch...this I was sure of.
Now...”he” had a heart attack last year...so...”he” quit smoking. What this really means is “he” quit “buying” cigarettes, so he could say he quit, and then smoke mine instead. Irritating? FUCK YEAH! Countless times “he” would have a nickel in “his” hand...come to my desk and ask...”Can I buy a cigarette?”...apparently “he” thinks I only pay a dollar for a pack of cigarettes. I’d let “him” “buy” a cigarette a few times a day because I’m A NICE FUCKING GUY! This “Buy A Cigarette” maneuver would be “his” safest way to re-establish non-violent keep “his” nose where it is contact with me...give me the opportunity to do something nice...because...I’m A NICE FUCKING GUY! So...
...on my way to work this morning I had two cigarettes marinating with the sacs and one marinating in the crack of my butt! I had the awesome opportunity to watch “him” smoke all three...and make 15 cents.
Like the song says...”We’ve Only Just Begun”.
The Phone Rang...05:53 Feb 04 2010
Times Read: 925
…then it rang some more. I leaned over and looked at my phones little window…Sweet Jesus…”Coupon Direct” was calling me! The phone rang again as I fantasized about all the bargains I could cash in on if I had a fist full of coupons! I couldn’t begin to guess why I apparently was chosen to receive…what I was sure…was a one time offer of enormous proportions! The phone rang again and I quickly answered it with a friendly…”Hello?”.
A female voice answered me with…”May I speak to Mrs. Tu?”.
*Goddamnit!*…I thought…*Now I’m going to miss out on a bonanza of bodacious buys because I don’t have a Mrs. Tu!”…*Fuck!*.
But you know me dear reader…I’m quick…I’m sly and there’s always an angle that can be played. So I answered the Coupon Direct babe with…”Sure…let me call her to the phone.”. Then I placed the phone on the desk…took three steps away and screamed…”MABEL THERE’S SOME GODDAMN WOMAN ON THE FUCKING PHONE WANTING TO SPEAK WITH YOU! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT GETTING PHONE CALLS?! HUH?! WHAT?!! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND GET RID OF HER!”…then…I waited a few seconds.
I picked the phone back up and in my best female voice…which believe me…is not very convincing…I said…”HELLOOO…HELLOO…WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? HELLO…HELLO?!
There was silence from the other end so I continued…“HELLOOO…DO YOU HAVE COUPONS FOR ME? HELLOOO? I LIKE TO BUY TUNAFISH WITH COUPONS FOR BASIL MY CAT…HELLOO?! OH PLEEEEEEASE LET ME HAVE SOME COUPONS! HELLOOO…HELLOOOoooOOOOooOOO?”.
Again…only silence from Coupon Direct…so I shifted gears…”HELLOO? DID YOU CALL JUST TO FUCKING GET ME IN TROUBLE YOU STUPID BITCH?! MR. TU IS VERY ANGRY!! HIS FACE IS ALL RED AND HE’S SHAKING ALL OVER!! DO YOU HAVE ANY GODDAMN COUPONS FOR ME OR NOT?! HELLO…HELLOOO?!.
I heard Coupon Direct terminate the call…*ponders*…I don’t know why I ever thought I didn’t want telemarketers to call me.
Tattoos On Boobies And Whiskers On Kittens06:54 Feb 01 2010
Times Read: 962
Sometimes I just like to scurry around all the sites and peruse the Bountiful Bouquet of Boobies...I can spend hours boobie gazing if I’m not careful! Yes...I will admit it...if I don’t know you...that’s what you are to me...boobies...”Oh yeah...I remember those!”...I know...I know...I’m a pig...*yawns*.
I thank the good Lord you ladies are quite proud of your boobies and have the need to show them off! I do...I do...every night before I go to bed I kneel down...put my hands together, bow my head and then pray...
”Dear Most Wise Creator of Boobies...thank you for giving women the deep seeded psychological need to show off their boobies...thank you for having them hold that camera way up high so a clear majestic photograph can be taken of their awesome cleavage...thank you for having them lay on their stomachs on their bed then up on their elbows to produce a photograph of their boobies all snug and nestled together...thank you for tank and tube tops that fit very tight...thank you for making high fashion boobie friendly...thank you for beach and swimming pool photographs...and thank you for the bra section of the JC Penny catalog...Amen!”
...then I sleep like a new born pup.
But over the last number of years a disturbing fad has taken hold...Tattoos on Boobies! Tattoos and piercing! Listen to me ladies...a boobie can not be improved upon...it can’t be done...it can not be made more alluring...a boobie is naturally perfect...P...E...R...F...E...C...T...PERFECT! A boobie is a work of the highest art! A boobie is nature in all her glory! Putting a tattoo on a boobie is like drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa! It’s like giving a kitten a third eye...sure said kitten’s sight is much better...but...it’s fucking creepy!
Look...if a mans face is in close proximity to a boobie...the last thing he’s thinking about is art or reading! Your ankle...your shoulder blade...your arm...your back...your forehead...your butt...have at it...ink away...but for Christ’s sake...leave the boobies out of it! I see more and more tattoos on boobies when I’m off on a booberating jaunt and I could just cry...STOP IT! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY...STOP IT!!
And lastly...if a man wanted to suck on steel...he’d pop a paper clip in his mouth...so let's slow down on those piercings as well.
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COMMENTS
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Eleanna
09:24 Feb 27 2010
Having just read this i would like to thank you for providing one of the most entertaining entries i think ive read so far! i especially like the use of the word BOOBBOCITY! very interesting piece!!
Bijou
18:50 Feb 27 2010
Actually women do care about the size of the chest. I work at Victoria secrets and i do bra fittings and i see boobs all day long and women come in and want bras that will push up their boobs and make it look like they have something they don't, just because they think thats what there man wants to see. And i have had a few women on occasion come get messured and are bigger than they think and start to cry. and then i have to find them a bra to down play there boobs.
MeanMeanMrTu
19:50 Feb 27 2010
Thank you E lol.
MeanMeanMrTu
19:52 Feb 27 2010
Well...Bij...this is exactly the point of this entry...you ladies stress out over such a matter way too much!
atyourwindow
06:27 Mar 01 2010
meh....im a leggs/ass man .
MeanMeanMrTu
07:32 Mar 01 2010
Well...sure...there are those as well...
NyteShade
19:33 Mar 09 2010
Hello Sir
Well I was flat chested till i had my son and then wham went to big ones
so i do not care i am me no matter what size my boobs are
Its whats in side the soul and heart of the person that counts
Brahadair
02:12 Mar 10 2010
I know you were trying to be "serious" but I couldn't stop laughing. Not bad just entertaining.