MeanMeanMrTu's Vampire Journal

MeanMeanMrTu's Journal

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4 entries this month

← Nov 2013

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Christmas Singles.Com
12:22 Dec 25 2013
Times Read: 485

A little something for all the single folks on this glorious Christmas morning…TOP 10 PERKS!

1. Grooming “Sleep Hair”…OPTIONAL!

2. GAURENTEED 10 minutes of private “Zen” time.

3. NO screaming.

4. Shaving…OPTIONAL!

5. Slumber above and beyond the call.

6. Quiet contemplation on why you are alone in the universe and then realizing it’s not your fault.

7. Seeing Alyssa Milano (not to be confused with Melisa Milano) in a commercial and realizing how badly you’d still love to bang her.

8. Knowing strangers will not trust you therefore being guilt free of no random acts of kindness so instead spending the money on yourself (fools).

9. Eating Christmas dinner for breakfast.

10. NO cleaning!

~Merry Christmas~

COMMENTS

NLW
18:24 Dec 25 2013

Yes!

Sex & Presents
13:09 Dec 24 2013
Times Read: 494

1:59:34 am…I’m standing at my company’s time clock waiting for it to read 2:00 am so I can punch out and go home. Yes…my supervisor is letting me off 4 hours early! Hip Hip Hurrrrayyyyy! No…I do not know why this blessed event is happening…all I know is one doesn’t look a gift supervisor in the mouth…if I can go home early…I go…end…of…story! Another Hip Hip Hurrraaayyyyy is in order! Hip Hip Hurrrraaayyyyy!

This filled my co-workers with…with…well…let’s say less than wishes of good tidings. I stood enduring great ill wishes and the vicious slandering of my character and one esteem co-working went as far as giving me…what I could only assume was…The Christmas Finger.

I sensed a teachable moment.

Loudly…I said to the throng…”Over the next two days you are all going to get sex and presents…I am going to receive neither of those…this early out is my only Christmas pleasantry…NOW…I will be more than happy to stay until 6:30 am if one of you are going to procure those two things for me!”

With the unruly and rude crowd silenced…with a swirl of my Christmas cape…I was gone.

~Merry Christmas~

COMMENTS

shellsbells
15:25 Dec 24 2013

hee hee hee thats funny

Forever And Ever
15:55 Dec 12 2013
Times Read: 512

Well…I’m only human…I mean…I’m not totally absolutely 100% free of the “Walt F. Disney” phenomenon…after all…I have grown up…matured if you will (HA!)…in what I am totally absolutely 100% sure will be referred to by future generations as the…”Fantasy Era”.

Yes…I stood on my principles for three months…stood my ground against the tyrannical “Markus”, creator of “Plenty of Fish”, that most popular, free, dating site and after being bullied…yes you read that correct…BULLIED…I deleted my profile. “Markus” was not going to dictate to me who I would, or would not attempt contact… to hell with him…profile deleted!

Mr. Tu…”Well done, sir!”

Michael…”Yeah, screw that prick!”

Thank you gentlemen…yes my cohorts and I sure showed him! But…unfortunately…my upbringing would not leave us alone…”Walt F. Disney” relentlessly whispered in our ears…~ You guys might have missed “Her” this week, you fools…you might have missed your one chance…ONE CHANCE…at that mystical walk in the rain hold hands live laugh love of your life! She was there…she was right there and your pride cost you eternal happiness and Hot Monkey Sex!~…GOD…I HATE WALT F. DISNEY!

So…after great agonizing contemplation and soul searching…I relented and posted a new profile in “Plenty of Fish”…just in case you understand…I mean…why take the chance of missing that magical connection…right?

I was back in business…baby!

Well…”Markus” cast us out two weeks ago. Heinously deleted us…didn’t he boys?

Mr. Tu…”THE CAD!”

Michael…”THAT FUCKER!”

We have a suspicion why…and it was not from a bawdy…or lewd…or an even suggestive message…we don’t do such…do we boys?

Mr. Tu…”Absolutely not, sir”.

Michael…”Fuck no!”.

NO…we don’t! We did send a delicious little bunny our standard ordinary every day pat greeting, which is as follows…

“I have given this considerable thought over the last few minutes...you move here to Fremont...we fall madly in love...we get matching tattoos of your choice...we knock over a few Brinks trucks...perhaps a Savings and Loan over the weekend...we fly to Istanbul where we pose... wear really dark sun glasses and smoke really skinny cigarettes...we live happily ever after for about 20 years...we blow all our cash in Monaco...so...we come back and knock over another Brinks truck where I die in a hail of bullets...you...of course...escape in disguise...then you move back to _____ (Insert city name) and spend the rest of our new loot on hot young cabana boys and champagne...you know...to get you over the loss of losing me...you come back to Fremont once a year...again in disguise...after all they are still looking for The Mysterious Moll (that's you)...to place roses at my by then famous grave...I'm telling you this plan is solid! I don't see a flaw...what do you think?”

Well…said bunny read and then pursued our profile…didn’t she boys?

Mr. Tu…”How could she not?! You are a Master at emotional manipulation, sir.”

Michael…”She fuckin’ had to!”

Well…a day passes with no return message…she snubbed us and although such is pretty standard fare, I decided to write another message, which was as follows…

“You know…you should be ashamed…when a man takes the time to send you a creative greeting, you could at least say hello.”…Is that not what we wrote boys?!

Mr. Tu…”A very reasonable, well thought out, scolding, sir.”

Michael…”She was fuckin’ lucky we were nice!”

Now that prompted a return message from said bunny, which was as follows…

“That’s the second time you sent me that!”

Mr. Tu…”Oh my…how unfortunate.”

Michael…”Uh oh…”.

After minor discussion with my cohorts, we sent this return message…

“Then you should be doubly ashamed!”.

We think that pissed her off and she complained to “Markus”…Mr. White Knight…Mr. Champion of Women…and he kicked us out. And should one be removed from “Plenty of Fish”…that’s forever and ever!

Mr. Tu…”What bad form, sir…very bad form.”

Michael…”THE SKANK!".

No really…forever…one can never go back…I tried…new email…everything! I even pulled out my ultimate “User Name” that I know…I KNOW…no person in all the world has…to make sure of my exile…and that name is…”Poppy Peppersteak”…nobody uses that…NOBODY!

I still go back and view profiles and you know what? It’s not all that different!

Mr. Tu…”Hilarious, sir!”

Michael…”Ahhhh ha ha hahaha haaaa!”