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3 entries this month
More On The Ox And Lamb19:52 Dec 03 2011
Times Read: 650
Alright…*waves hands in a negating fashion*…for the sake of argument…let’s say The Ox and Lamb could keep time…highly unlikely…but alright…and again I find no documentation that the pair made any sort of audible ~sound~.
So…in order to keep time they must have been moving something…in the case of the Ox I imagine a tail switching to and fro…much like an upside down metronome…1…2…3…4…2…2…3…4…in a back and forth fashion. Alright…ALRIGHT! I will concede that the tail hitting the toughened skin of said Ox…at the end of each stroke…might have made a ~sound~…perhaps a small…*thwack*…but…I am sure it would be no louder than the sound…that I have personally heard…of a horse switching its tail and that would not have enough volume for the keeping of time….but good for keeping flies off his butt.
Now in the case of the Lamb…Lambs do not have tails with which to switch. Lambs have a triangular flapesque patch that serves as such and is not prone to switching in a conductive manner…and since said Lambs tail cannot switch…said tail cannot make an audible sound for the keeping of time…this is indisputable. Alright…ALRIGHT! I suppose The Lamb and The Ox both could have clacked a hoof on the ground in a metronomic way…~clack clack clack clack…clack clack clack clack~…but…you see…if this would have been the case…The Lamb and The Ox would have been considered more dancing than conducting and the song does not say…”The Ox and Lamb danced in time par rumpa pum pum.”…for this reason I dismiss out of hand the notion that The Ox And Lamb could have kept time in any manner whatsoever…not to mention The Ox is much too bulky for dancing…thin ankles you understand.
Actually…the controversy of The Ox And Lamb is moot! “Why Mr. Tu…why is the controversy of The Ox And Lamb moot?”…I mystically hear you ask…fair enough question…I’ll tell you why.
I have 54 years worth of Christmases under my belt…I have viewed more Nativity Scenes than I can count…my family’s Nativity Scene as I grew up…friends home Nativity Scenes…I have viewed Nativity Scenes on the television…I have viewed Nativity Scenes in churches and I have viewed Nativity Scenes in all…art…forms….and guess what? There is no “Drummer Boy” in any of them! And why would there be? Think about that…*points to head*…
…they would have us believe that a small boy in ancient Jerusalem…and at that time they didn’t mess around…one could have gotten a hand chopped off for the smallest infraction…even today…that a small boy wakes in the middle of the night…steals his father’s drum…what? Of course it was his father’s drum…you think little boys in ancient Jerusalem were sporting their own drums? Egad…they were eating figs and beetles…his father was probably considered rich for owning just one drum! So…he steals his father’s drum…and the sticks…don’t forget the sticks…then makes his way…in the middle of the night…all alone…across ancient Jerusalem. Believe me…a little boy in ancient Jerusalem would not have been wandering around alone in the middle of the night…he would have never been seen again…ancient Jerusalem did not have the societal moral standards that exist today…think Sodom and Gomorrah…the kid would have been toast.
Alright…*waves hands in a negating fashion*…for the sake of argument…let’s say “The Little Drummer Boy” actually makes it to The Manger in one piece…highly unlikely…but…alright. Now he strides up to a group of adults…with a sleeping baby…again in the middle of the night…and starts banging on said drum.
I think at this juncture I should add here that we have all heard the song “The Little Drummer Boy” and in said song a finely tuned snare drum offers a nice…~rat ratta tat tat~…well…I’m pretty sure…there were no finely tuned snare drums in ancient Jerusalem…I don’t think they were even invented yet…so…said drum must have been an ancient type of timpani…stretched goat skin model…leather bindings…and most likely offered a deeply registered…~Ba Bonga Bong Bong~.
So…the kid strides up…group of adults…sleeping baby…middle of the night…and begins…~Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~!
First…something of this nature would have startled a dozing Ox which would have begun to bellow and kick in panic and most likely…accidentally…kick The Lamb in the head which would then fall over dead. Perhaps this activity would produce an appearance of the keeping of time and this scenario does satisfy Neva’s suggestion of ~sound~…that is…if…The Little Drummer Boy had been there…which he wasn’t.
Second…if the aforementioned scenario had happened you know Joseph would have become unhinged! “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”…~ Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~…”SOMEBODY STOP HIM!”… ~ Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~…”WE JUST GOT JESUS TO SLEEP!”… ~ Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~…”WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?”… ~ Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~…”HEY…WHERE’D YOU GET THAT DRUM?!”… ~ Ba Bonga Bong Bong… Ba Bonga Bong Bong~!
For these reasons “The Little Drummer Boy” is now on my list of…”Songs In The Key of Bullshit”.
The Ox And Lamb...17:18 Dec 03 2011
Times Read: 657
...were merely dumb animals...the did not posses a sense of rhythm...they did not keep time...just sayin'.
A Christmas Story14:50 Dec 02 2011
Times Read: 669
(In view of the fact that we read the same traditional Christmas Stories year after year...I have decided that I am going to post my Christmas Story...year after year.)
Oh what a glorious Christmas Season it was for The Vampire and his small son…The Dark Prince. Strings of street lights…even stop lights…blinked of bright red and green as they made their way to The Magic Mall where the shoppers would be rushing home with their treasures. The Prince was very excited for his father The Vampire had promised a semi-early Christmas present and the Dark Prince suspected he would claim the most coveted video game of the year! Oh what Christmas Yule Tide Joy!
There it was! The Magic Mall sat nestled in deep clean snow…it’s festive decorations flashing promised video bliss! Elves adorned every entrance and on the roof…there “He” was…SANTA CLAUSE HIMSELF! The Prince imagined Santa whipping and calling to his reindeer…”On Dasher On Dancer On Prancer and Vixen…On Comet On Cupid On Donder and Blitzen!”…the Prince screamed…”Park the sleigh father…PARK THE SLEIGH!”.
With a clattering of hooves and the singing of sleigh bells, their black sleigh came to a snow crunching halt…then out they bounded into the falling swirling snow and began the frosty march towards the inviting sights and sounds of The Magic Mall. They heard the snow crunch…saw the kids bunch…this was Santa’s big scene no doubt! It seemed the sidewalks…busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style would never end…but in the air there was a feeling of Christmas…so…the Vampire and his Dark Prince endured their cold and windy journey.
The Interior of The Magic Mall was cozy and warm as they made their way to The Old Vid Shoppe’…children were laughing…people passing…meeting smile after smile…then The Vampire asked his Dark Prince…”Listen! Can you hear those silver bells my Prince?”…to which the Prince replied while pulling on The Vampire’s hand…”HURRY FATHER…HURRY!”.
Soon they found themselves basking in a video cavalcade that was The Old Vid Shoppe’. Shelf after shelf…row after row…all decorated with garland and lights sat every video game a Dark Prince could desire. “LOOK FATHER…LOOK!”…the Prince pointed in astonishment!
Quickly they bustled into line and falling in right behind came a lone kind stranger. “Merry Christmas!”…the stranger said…”Merry Christmas Merry Christmas!”…returned The Vampire and his Prince. The Vampire checked the location of his wallet while his Prince fidgeted and peeked around the customers in line. The Prince tugged on The Vampires cloak…”Father…we’ll be too late and all the games will be gone!”…The Vampire bent down keeping one hand on his wallet and replied…”Ohhh Ho Ho Hoooo…be not concerned my Dark Prince…I am sure there will be plenty for all.”…then tousled The Dark Prince’s hair.
Finally their turn came and the Prince rushed to the glass counter…he pressed his face tight to the glass…eyes darting side to side searching for the most coveted video game of the year. “THERE IT IS FATHER…THERE IT IS…THAT’S THE ONE I WANT!”…exclaimed The Dark Prince. The Old Vid Shoppe’ Keeper smiled…then retrieved the most coveted video game of the year from it’s perch in the glass case and in handing it to the Prince said…”My…what a fortunate little Dark Prince you are this Christmas…the game you hold in your hand is the very last one we have!”…”Golly”…replied The Dark Prince with a massive fanged smile…”I AM FORTUNATE!”.
As The Vampire began thumbing through the thick Christmas green in his wallet…a voice cut through the festive din…it was the kind stranger…”OHHHH NOOOO…THAT’S the video game my little boy wants for Christmas and I promised him he’d have it! OHHH NOOO! If I would have just gotten here a little sooner!”.
Well time stood still as The Vampire looked at The Old Vid Shoppe’ Keeper who merely shrugged. Then The Vampire looked down at his Dark Prince whose face clearly registered that age old dilemma…”Greed or Graciousness”. Then The Vampire’s gaze fell upon the kind stranger and with barely contained fury thought…*Boy…I wish I had a pocketful of Christmas Spirit so I could sprinkle a little on the tip of my boot and drive it straight up your fucking ass!*.
The Vampire looked again to The Dark Prince…took one knee…laid a hand on the Prince’s shoulder and whispered…”We have every right to purchase that video game…it is yours to have…but…I leave that up to you.*. As The Dark Prince began weighing the situation The Vampire again leveled his cold gaze upon the kind stranger with an expression that conveyed…*You’re an asshole*.
After a minute the Prince spoke…”He can have it.”…then handed the most coveted video game of the year to the kind stranger.
“Merry Christmas!”…the kind stranger called as The Vampire and his Dark Prince walked away. “Merry Christmas…*motherfucker*…The Vampire called back.
As they exited The Magic Mall…The Vampire put an arm around the shoulders of The Dark Prince and said…”I have never been…nor…will I ever be able to be…more proud of you than I am right at this moment…that was an incredibly generous act on your part.”…”It’s okay”…returned The Dark Prince.
The wind tore at their cloaks as they waded through the deep clean night snow to their sleigh…the team welcomed them with whinnying and spirited stabbing at the snow clad earth. As The Vampire cracked his whip and the sleigh leaped into the swirling night…he thought…*He will make a fine King one day.*.
The End
~Merry Christmas~
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COMMENTS
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Requiem
20:12 Dec 03 2011
♥
That is my brother's favorite Christmas Carol. heh.
Nedra
02:17 Dec 06 2011
I
Love
You!
This was hysterical!!!
MeanMeanMrTu
12:20 Dec 06 2011
Lol thank you.