The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

28 Days ASC
16:52 Dec 28 2009
Times Read: 746

~Day 28 After Shop Closing~



I crouch in the front bushes of my apartment, my hands clutching a discarded golf club left here by my son. I squat motionless as my eyes dart side to side, my vision keen, my reflexes fast, my muscles taught as piano strings, my breath comes slow and silent. Hunger has yet to drive me into the open, so I squat and I wait...



...*Ah...the female comes again.*...my hunger is momentarily forgotten. I closely watch her walk through my jungle for the third time, I watch her stride, her hips, her breasts...*Fine breeding material.*...I think as she disappears behind dense foliage...then the male appears...



...*Does he not know he violates my territory? Did he not smell my markers?!*...my body shakes, fighting the urge to spring and smite him down with my golf club, I watch his slow clumsy gate as he passes unaware of the danger just a few feet away...*Wait...wait TUrack...the Beginning is near...bide your time...the female will be yours.*...



...I watch as the porch railing shadow touches Big Tree...prey has alluded me this day...quickly I scamper back into my apartment and turn on Judge Judy.

I Weed
17:19 Dec 23 2009
Times Read: 772

I was once again at my sisters...that's my brother in law's wife...the doktor..."helping" her prune her botanical gardens into shape for the coming summer. And once again I didn't know my Buttercup Daisy Bottom from a Shrinking Violet Shade Clown...what a surprise...when I again asked her..."Why don't you just plant and grow weeds? They seem to do just fine without any help and they're all green...why not?" To this she said...and will I ever learn to not ask questions...she said...



Her..."Do you know what a weed is?"

Me..."Yeah...all that crap around your Buttercup Daisy Bottoms"

Her..."No...that particular plant has a name and it's not weed!"

Me..."Then why in the Hell am I pulling them out if they're not weeds?!"

Her..."Do you know what the definition of a weed is?"

Me..."(f*ck)...No...what?"

Her..."A weed is defined as a plant that's growing where it's not supposed to grow."

Me..."Well this is Nature's Earth...so...if a plant is growing in Nature then it’s supposed to...therefore...no plant can be a weed.”

Her...”No...that’s “Wild” nature...what I have here is “Controlled” nature...I decide what plants should grow here...so therefore...there are weeds!”

Me...”Oh...I think I understand...so...Liberals are Weeds growing in the Flowerbed of Freedom...but in...say Russia...or...China...they wouldn't be weeds?”

Her...(huge Lib)...”NO! You don’t want to start down this path Michael!”

Me...”So...you are kind of saying that Freedom...like Nature...can be wild...or...it can be controlled?”

Her...”MICHAEL! A BETTER ANALoGy Would BE...one could have the most rare expensive beautiful rose bush in the whole world...but...if it was growing in the middle of a corn field...it would be a weed!”

Me...”*ponders*...So...you’re saying I’m a weed?”

Her...”YEAH MICHAEL...you’re a weed alright!”

Red Jewlahlah
17:26 Dec 17 2009
Times Read: 800

My bother in law...the banker...lost his job last year through a merger...a headhunter found him a high fahlootin’ new banking job...big money...French bank...the rub you ask? The job is in San Francisco! Of course he had to take it...there are bills to pay baby...big bills...so now he flies home for a weekend every month or so.



His wife...my sister...the doktor...needs help shaping up her “garden” for the coming summer...so...me...Mr. Tu...jack of all trades master of none...has been drafted into “gardening service”. Now...when I use the term “garden”...what that really means is...a goddamn BOTANICAL GARDEN! The Toledo Zoo would be envious of her “garden”. This...”garden”...is virtually acres and acres of every known plant in the world. I’m not kidding...she has spent years and a butt load of cash on her “garden”. My Sunday...all day...went something like this...



Her...“I need you to prune this Red Jewlahlah.”

Me...”Huh?”

Her...”Haven’t you ever pruned a Red Jewlahlah before?”

Me...”No.”

Her...”Here...watch me...you take the stems and cut them off right after the buds...*snip snip snip*”

Me...”Alright...I can handle that.”

Her...”I’ll be over here pulling weeds...cut the Red Jewlahlah back a little.”



~10 minutes pass~



Her...”WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Me...”I’m pruning your Red Jewlahlah.”

Her...”NOT LIKE THAT! YOU’RE CUTTING OFF WAY TOO MUCH !”

Me...”I’m doing what you showed me!”

Her...”Give me the pruning shears...I’LL do this...go over where I was and pull weeds!”

Me...”Alright...fine.”



~10 minutes pass~



Her...”WHY ARE YOU PULLING MY BUTTERCUP DAISY BOTTOMS OUT?!”

Me...”These aren’t weeds? They look like weeds!”

Her...”NO...THOSE ARE MY BUTTERCUP DAISY BOTTOMS!! CAN’T YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE?”

Me...”WELL I GUESS NOT! Why don’t you just grow WEEDS? WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE, IT‘S ALL GREEN!”

Her...fuming...”Take a wheel barrel of mulch up to the pool area and work it into the soil around the Twinkling Blue Morning Shroud!”

Me...”Alright.”



~10 minutes pass~



Me...“Which one’s the Twinkling Blue Morning Shroud?”

Her...*evil eye*...”WELL IT MIGHT BE THE TREE WITH THE LIGHT GREENISH BLUE LEAVES!”

Me...”Oh.”



My brother in law is one smart bastard...

Second Hand Religion
06:31 Dec 12 2009
Times Read: 826




I had an odd thought the other day. One really can not escape being exposed to religion...I mean...it's everywhere...of all types...whether you go to church or not. How many knew anything about the Muslim faith before 9/11? Apparently Muslims know a lot about Christians because they really hate them! Same thing with the Jewish faith...if it wasn't for Seinfeld...why...I probably wouldn't know anything. Oh sure...sure...Saturday Night Live and Adam Sandler informed me of the Jewish Holiday Hanuka...but...if it wasn't for those two things I would know bupkus about it and I think every other weirdo-rama religion went the same way...spaceships and the such. And here comes Christmas so I am going to be hearing a bunch about Jesus...hey...do Muslims have Muslims Trees? What do you think would get hung on a Muslim Tree? Toes? Fingers? What would go on top? Perhaps they would just cut the head off an Angel and jam it up there? Perhaps.



"Mr. Tu what the F*CK are you talking about?!"...I hear you ask...fair enough question. Well...my thought was...is religion like smoking? Am I being exposed to second hand religion? It doesn't seem very fair to me to possibly damage my mind by the religions that are wrong...*snorts*...and who can say which those are? Between you and I...it's...GO JESUS...but...you never know about these things for sure until it's too late! I don't think you have a right to spread second hand religion...no...no...it's just not right. Don't I have the right to live my life without your second hand religion? We've all seen people that had very few years of concentrated religion that killed them...drinking Koolaid...more poisons so they could go meet the spaceship...not to mention all the religious wars. Yes...yes...religion kills...so it only makes sense that second hand religion does as well...just takes a little longer...sometimes...I mean...after all I am sure Jim Jones had a few new recruits before the party?



Hey...if you want to immerse yourself in any religion that's your right...have at it I say...but...for those that don't wish such a thing...you have no right to inflict second hand religion on them! Oh...and we're going to have to close all the doors and windows of any place of worship of any faith...we can't have innocent passersby having second hand religion forced on them...atheists have rights too! You pious people should stop being so selfish...try thinking about another's well being for a change!



I am sure you non-smokers can understand my reasoning.

Jesus...2010...
17:29 Dec 06 2009
Times Read: 856

…here it comes. I can’t say I look forward to the continual brain washing of society by the Media. Now come on…I’m not just talking about our “Teen Magazine” cover new President, although that with out a doubt is included. What I’m going to be talking about is the single most destructive ideal…the extreme being presented as the norm…perpetrated by the most powerful forces in the world today…the Media.



Media is just man made weather…Media is managed by the very same insecure, egotistical, agenda driven, spinwhore prick bastards that run our government, that run corporate America and that run the unions. They exist for one purpose alone…to make themselves powerful…important.



“Sleepless in Seattle”…need I say more about the online dating phenomenon? Hollywood has been bashing us over the head with unrealistic, extreme situations presented as the norm all our lives. They started on you when you were 3 with “Lady and the Tramp” and haven’t let up since. Hollywood is to blame for the wasteland of relationships today, they’ve taught you the only relationship, that’s worthy of you, is the extreme one and anything less is…well…here we all are.



The Media’s taught you what’s beautiful…what’s ugly…who to root for in any given situation at any given time. They have become masters of manipulation, they have become biased and simple objective truth no longer prevails in it’s halls…if it ever did.



The Media latches on to crusades presented by egos out of control and beats…beats…beats those drums. Did you know the very first, and I say this loosely, “scientist” that began the whole “Global Warming Crisis” admitted that he exaggerated and actually outright lied to gain attention? The media sure didn’t give that little fact much attention. The media shows you a picture of a polar bear floating on a chunk of ice from 20 years ago and presents it as some kind of proof? Did you know that this last year 630 climatologists from around the world have determined over the last 5 years the earth has in fact cooled? Where’s the Media on this? Oh…that’s right…truth is not politically correct. Take your pick…smoking…alcohol…red meat…energy…it doesn’t matter what it is, the Media will be there to jam a “special interest” down your throat and present it as the norm.



The Media now say that their declining newspaper sales is caused by the internet…let’s see…the internet’s been around for something like 20 years and only now it’s effecting them? Could it be their own, and it is becoming embarrassingly obvious, biased reporting may be to blame for their dwindling customers?



The Media decided who was going to be our next President…and that…is terrifying.



The Media brain washing snowball is only going to pick up speed in 2010 and many of you will be like Lemmings going over the cliff. If you want to protect yourself from the onslaught do what I do…always wear a tin foil chapeau…it blocks them…let’s one think straight…I put a feather in mine for a little Alpine chic’.



Have a Happy New Years!

5 Dollar Pussy
05:54 Dec 01 2009
Times Read: 873

I'm sure I was 16 years old...I was driving for one the first times solo...I was sitting with my girlfriend Glenda (yes...the one I tied up and made her kiss me when we were 11) on her parents front porch late one afternoon when her sister and her sister's boyfriend pulled into the drive. When they got to the porch Glenda's sister had a little calico kitten cradled in her arms...”Aw...where did you guys get that kitten?” Glenda asked...”Oh we were in the Pet Store in the Mall and we couldn’t resist buying this little kitten! Isn‘t it cute?” Glenda’s sister said...”How much did it cost?” I asked the boyfriend...”It was under three bucks...two fifty five...something like that.” said the boy friend.



Not but a week later Glenda and myself were at the Mall and went into the same Pet Store. We were looking at all the cute little baby animals when one particular batch of kittens caught Glenda’s eye. They were a light gray with black ears and big, bright blue eyes...“What kind of kittens are these?” we asked the attendant as we pointed through the glass...”Those are Himalayan kittens.” replied the attendant “would you like to hold one?”...”Oh yes please!” said Glenda. As Glenda petted and stroked and started falling in love with the kitten I asked...”How much are these Himalayan kittens?”...”They are each five...they have all their papers.” said the attendant. So...being the shrewd buyer I am...I crossed my arms and stroked my chin with one hand and thought...* Alright...a regular, everyday, calico kitten costs 2 dollars and 55 cents...it only makes sense that a pure bred Himalayan kitten would cost 5 bucks...plus I‘ll get to one up her sister‘s boyfriend...BONUS!*...”WE’LL TAKE IT!” I said.



Now...a crowd started gathering around Glenda as she woo wooed her little Himalayan kitten...that should have been a warning sign...but...I was much to pleased with myself to take note...I was buying my sweetie a Himalayan kitten! As I signed paper after paper I could hear whispers from the crowd...”He’s buying that Himalayan kitten!”...by now Glenda is hopelessly in love with it! Finally every “i” was dotted and every “t” crossed...I pulled a ten out of my wallet, handed it to the attendant and waited for my change...*Why I might even tip the bastard* I thought.



The attendant looked at the ten...looked at me...looked at the ten...looked at me...looked at the ten...then suddenly a look of understanding flashed across his face...”That’s $500 dollars each” he said to me grinning. I snatched the Himalayan kitten from Glenda’s arms and said...“PUT THE FUCKING KITTEN BACK! and I thrust it at the attendant! I hustled Glenda and myself out of there pronto!



Jesus...to this day I can still hear the laughter and snickering of that crowd!