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Has anyone else been blessed to see “Perfect Polly”?! I’ve seen this on late night television a few times. At first I honestly thought it was a joke…really…I did…I sat there waiting to see a commercial promotion for a comedy show…honestly.



And then slowly…like unbuttoning a woman’s blouse…I realized they were perfectly fucking serious!



“Perfect Polly”…is a life size plastic parakeet…that’s right…plastic…that has motion detection so when one walks into the room “Perfect Polly’s” head starts snapping back and forth and it starts chirping. Did I mention this thing is plastic?! Oh…and…”Perfect Polly” even shakes its tail feathers…of course…they’re not really feathers because…it’ plastic! I think one needs a real bird to have real feathers! And I know you are wondering…yes…”Perfect Polly” comes with a plastic perch…on the commercial they even show “Perfect Polly” in a bird cage.



Grandma…Grandpa…Mom…Dad…the children…all of them simply cannot wait to rub their moronic noses on “Perfect Polly”…I can’t get “Perfect Polly’s” head snapping back and forth out of my mind…it’s the dumbest thing I have ever seen and that’s saying something…I’ve seen some pretty dumb things in my time! This is even dumber than yours truly trying to dance in my first video and let me tell you…in my humble opinion…that’s hard to beat…BUT…”Perfect Polly” has done it (Thank God)!



What kind of mental defective would buy “Perfect Polly”? Seriously…WHO?! Who could possibly…in any universe…in any reality…be that lonely?! IT’S PLASTIC…IT’S NOT A LIVING ENTITY! You can rub your fucking nose on it until the cows come home and it’s still going to be PLASTIC! It’s not going to listen to your problems…it’s not going to sense your depressed ravaged emotional state and offer parakeet comfort! IT’S PLASTIC!



ALRIGHT…alright…I concede…”Perfect Polly” is not going to toss seeds and bird shit all over your floor…I suppose that’s a plus, birds are such filthy creatures…but…let me tell you…if you have a “Perfect Polly” in your home…well…you’re going to get some looks! And not only are you going to get some looks…no one is going to be turning their backs on you…ever…you will immediately fall into the ranks of Chuck Manson.



Now that I’m thinking about it…if they really wanted to go for realism…they could have put in “Perfect Polly” a reservoir for…say…mayonnaise and perhaps another for seeds…THEN…when one walks into a room, “Perfect Polly”…as its head snapped back and forth…as it chirped…as it shook its tail feathers (?)…”Perfect Polly” could crap mayonnaise and chuck out seeds all over your floor…perhaps they’ll rectify this issue with “Perfect Polly 2”!



The fact that “Perfect Polly” must be selling at some level…disturbs me and I know…I know…”The Walt F. Disney Phenomenon”…has something to do with this…I’ll figure it out.

COMMENTS

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KISS
17:22 Aug 27 2013

I agree with you very much so. You are such a smart vampire. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I bid you a good day in what ever a vampire does. lol

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ladybriarrose
22:07 Aug 27 2013

"What kind of mental defective would buy “Perfect Polly”? "

Probably the same people who bought the singing fish. :)

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MeanMeanMrTu
12:33 Aug 28 2013

We bite a lot as a rule...*talking dish?*...

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I heard a report on the radio the other morning that a laboratory has…for the second time…grown…that’s grown…G…R…O…W…N…meat…that’s right…meat…no brain had been at one time attached…no body of any type…just meat…in a dish…meat (cue Twilight Zone music).



And the report also divulged…not to my surprise…that this “Dish Meat” tasted horrible! I don’t know who would have been brave enough to put that in their mouth…it wouldn’t have been me! The “Meat Scientists” determined that the “Dish Meat” tasted so heinous because it lacked…fat. Fat…F…A…T…gives meat its deliciousness…its delectability…its mouth watering carnal delightfulness!



I’ve known this all my life. It doesn’t matter how one prepares a steak…fry…grill…broil…they all do the very same thing to that surrounding fat…they turn it to gristle…crispy yet moist steaming GRISTLE! O…M…G! The gristle is the best part…THE BEST! I mathematically calculate how much gristle I can add to every bite of a steak to ensure there is enough to avoid a non-gristle bite. Gristle gristle gristle!



You know…I would eat an entire plate of gristle…with A-1 sauce…if it wouldn’t be so pricey…an entire plate! Nothing but gristle! I wish grocery stores would sell bags of gristle…and don’t even get me started on Prime Rib fat! OMG! I know I know…it’s not gristle…but…OH MAN…PRIME RIB FAT! I could eat an entire plate of nothing but that as well! OMG…I’m salivating!



I know what you’re thinking…*Didn’t Mr. Tu have his gallbladder taken out? How can he eat all that fat?!*…you are correct…such behavior is problematic…but…it’s worth the discomfort and extra special Zen trip!



If I had a partner…when I got home from work…I’d yell…”Honey Bunny! What’s for supper?!”…and she would yell back…”Gristle, Big Mac Daddy!”…and then I’d scream…”SWEET!”…and then we’d eat gristle.

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pheonixflower4x4
19:43 Aug 27 2013

You actually can buy it at any butcher shop with some meat on it or not take your pick and become friends with a butcher you'll get better cuts that way :)

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See…on paper…I am extinct…my job doesn’t really exist at my place of employ…they eliminated it due to the “New Line”. My fellow Brontosaurus, upon learning of the looming extinction, all bid out for more secure grazing…but not yours truly.



I tapped my pea sized brain and thought to myself…*There’s no way…they have not thought this through…they cannot totally eliminate this job…there’s no way.*…so…I simply continued my grazing unfettered. After months of watching my herd…one by one…lumber off…I was finally alone…a lonely dinosaur…the last of my kind.



Now…my pea sized brain also ascertained that this situation would go one of two ways. The first being that I would truly be merely support for this “New Line”…meaning…my work would be limited only to the grazing the “New Line” could not do…light shrubbery…tasty tender roots…and that was the way it went…for a while.



When the “Overlords” discovered this Brontosaurus was not working “Mandatory Saturdays” because his weekly schedule (a schedule that actually doesn’t exist because the job doesn’t actually exist) was always complete, due to the mere support nature of his grazing…it all changed to the second way…meaning…they jammed so much crap down my throat I couldn’t possibly complete my schedule (a schedule that actually doesn’t exist because the job doesn’t actually exist) assuring my participation in “Mandatory Saturdays”…this did not happen without great bellowing from this Brontosaurus…the last of his kind.



BUT…if a Brontosaurus submits and gets approved a days vacation…or…even a half day vacation…for a Friday…before…”Mandatory Saturdays” are posted (and boy do they love to do that), then he is exempt from said “Mandatory Saturdays”.



I have a half day vacation signed, sealed and delivered…for every Friday in August. This Brontosaurus…the last of his kind…is sitting in the proverbial…”Catbird’s Seat”…I feel giddy.

COMMENTS

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NLW
05:54 Aug 03 2013

I love this!

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MeanMeanMrTu
12:36 Aug 03 2013

Lol thank you...so do I!!

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