The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I Am Probably Fantasizing Beating Your Brains In With An Aluminum Baseball Bat If…
12:16 Aug 15 2012
Times Read: 649




…you are in front of me in line at Speedway and are dickering over a 15 cent discrepancy between your mental calculated price and the actual price of two bags of peanuts with the clerk for 10 minutes.



…you are in front of me in the Drive-Thru of any fast food restaurant and need to study the menu for 5 minutes.



…you work in said fast food restaurant and ask if I’d like whatever special whatever you’re hawking after I’ve already told you…”And that’s all!”.



…you’re oblivious to the green light we are sitting at and then quickly speed through the yellow light stranding me for yet another red light.

Things I Don't Know
14:18 Aug 07 2012
Times Read: 669

Now I’ve never claimed to know everything…well…alright…I might have made that claim a time or two…but…even as I was making such a claim I knew I was making it just to be arrogant…I do that sometimes…just for the fun of it…just to irritate someone…but…in my heart of hearts I know I don’t know everything (damn near though).



This point gets driven home from time to time and up until just over a week ago, I found out there was something I didn’t know. How it came up at work during a break I cannot remember…my fellow female workers told me…I couldn’t believe it…I didn’t want to believe it…my mind screamed…*NO…IT CAN’T BE!*…*THAT’S NOT RIGHT!*…*IT HAS TO BE BULLSHIT!*…but…further verification proved me wrong.



It seemed like everyone I asked knew…I asked other workers and yes…they knew this. I asked my fellow “Roasters” over this last weekend around the campfire and they too…yes…they knew this. Male and female alike…they all knew this! It has been like I was/am the only person in the entire world that did not know this!! How? HOW?!



You see…I have a child…I’ve witnessed the miracle of birth! I was there! I saw it goddamnit! I went to Lamaze…I sat through every…last…class…every class! I saw all the pictures…I saw ultrasounds…pamphlets…educational films…cartoon sperm…all of it! I spoke with doctors…gynecologists…nurses…mothers…fathers…I’ve lollygagged around this world for 55 years…I TOOK “HEALTH” IN SCHOOL! But never…ever…not a single time…ever…heard of…(omg)…a…(omg)…MUCUS PLUG!!!!



OMG! A MUCUS PLUG?! ARE…YOU…SERIOUS?! Oh man, the images that conjures up! A MUCUS PLUG?! “Hey Doc…save me that mucus plug because I have a toilet to install tomorrow!”…”Make sure you work that mucus plug around those bolts so we get a good seal!”…OMG…A MUCUS PLUG?!! Charming! The medical profession couldn’t come up with something better than that?! MUCUS PLUG?! O…M…G!



DOUBLE OMG…I just now had a very unsettling thought…oh dear God no…NO! Alright…alright…I’m going to ask…I can’t believe it…but…I’m going to ask…we’re all adults here…so I’m just going to ask…*looks left…looks right*… if a husband was banging his pregnant wife…(omg)…(I’ve done this a long time ago)…(omg)…if a husband was banging his pregnant wife…could the tip of his penis…(OMG)…touch the MUCUS PLUG?!?! COULD IT?! OH SWEET JESUS…*shudders*…COULD IT?! TOUCH THE MUCUS PLUG?!?! Oh please say no…say no…say no…say no…say no say no say no say no say no say no say no say no say no…SAY NO!!