Excuse Me Madam…Butt…Your Ass Is In My Face08:09 Apr 28 2018
Times Read: 958
There I was…the vampire...sitting quietly on the “To Go” bench at Denny’s...the restaurant...home of The Grand Slam…the “Go To” place when I’m feeling too lazy to prepare a meal for myself, or on this occasion, this morning, when I’m trying to save time!
See…my co-workers and I have been working mandatory 10 hour shifts…I have a few thoughts on mandatory overtime, butt that’s another post…this means my employer has forced, wrestled away, another 2 hours of my…MY…personal time…the time I use for meaningful endeavors, the time I have to live my life!
(Side note: They told us we could work 12 hour shifts...if we wanted to...HAhahahahHa ha haaaaAAAaaa ha ha haaaa!)
To manage this atrocity I start my shift 1 hour early and end 1 one hour late. Now…beginning my shit at 8:30 pm, instead of 9:30 pm, I don’t feel a great imposition, a little, sure, butt not great…it is the leaving work at 7:00 am instead of the normal 6:00 am that I find difficult…a real intrusion into my…MY…personal world…I arrive home an hour late! I look for ways to make up that hour and if you’re like me and I know you are, eliminating the time it takes to prepare a morning meal is one of those ways.
With a time saving double cheeseburger with bacon and a side of fries, to go, ordered, paid for and being expertly prepared, I patiently sat and waited on the provided bench and I want to stress…minding my own business...keeping to myself...smart.
A woman approached the cashier as I wiggled the toes on my aching feet, while I rehashed in my mind every irritating and maddening moment of the prior shift. This woman and the cashier engaged in the usual post breakfast banter…”Was everything okay?”…blah blah blah…”We have a new cook.”…blah blah blah…and I felt comfortable ignoring them and continued my mental tallying of the required retribution of the prior shift’s faux pas.
Then a Second woman approached…short white hair…very tall…easy 6’5”…and I’m not claiming to be an expert concerning Adult Diapers, I’ve performed no research, so I cannot be held accountable for any error…butt…I’m pretty sure the second woman was sporting such under her blue jeans…a semi Sumo Wrestler look and I think at this juncture it needs offered that along with…”Honey…do these jeans make my ass look big?”…society also now needs…”Honey…do these jeans make my ass look like its sporting an Adult Diaper?”…anyway…
With her back to me, she engaged the first woman in conversation…”Excuse me, don’t you live on Moore street?”…blah blah blah…”Didn’t my husband buy a motorcycle from your husband?”…blah blah blah…”Yes he did, I thought you looked familiar!”…blah blah blah…I felt a small twinge of uneasiness seeing how these two women were between me and my forthcoming time saving double cheeseburger with bacon and a side of fries, to go and that uneasiness quickly became a minor alarm when the second woman, the tall woman, the possible, I can’t say for sure, diaper babe, shifted the purse on her shoulder and took a half step back…immediately it became clear her butt and my face were at the same height and just like you would, I squirmed on the bench and mentally acknowledged my personal 3’ of air space had been compromised.
I was debating whether or not to raise a protective hand when the husbands strode up and to make room at the cashiers area, the second woman, the tall woman, the possible, I can’t say for sure, diaper babe, took…one…full…amazonian…step…backwards…
Take a small can of Bush’s Bake Beans and place the bottom of that can on the tip of your nose…that woman’s butt would be touching the top of that can…that’s how close her butt was to my face…right there! Up close and personal! If we would have been outside, her butt would have blotted out the sun! My face was pinned between her butt and the bench back and I seemed to be the only one privy to this proximity assault…HELP ME JESUS!
I didn’t know what to do and it wouldn’t be long before my breath gave out…I started to panic…I had no idea what societal protocol demanded here…I couldn’t simply say…”Excuse me madam…butt…your ass is in my face!’…I mean… I would have been speaking directly into her butt hole! Unacceptable! And worse yet, what if she “spoke” back…I mean…is it really a good idea to startle a woman that had just eaten…Denny’s eaten…after all there was a possible diaper issue at play, I can’t say for sure, butt if it was a badly cloaked diaper there must be a reason such was needed…I sensed time was of the essence!
Luckily instinct took over…self preservation…I automatically did the only thing I could do…with cat-like agility and speed I rolled to my right and off the “To Go” bench onto the floor, all those “Monkey Rolls” I performed in high school football practice finally paid off!
Springing up and brushing myself off, I collected my double cheeseburger with bacon and a side of fries and headed home…I was free…
COMMENTS
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iris18
05:18 Dec 02 2018
Im laughing reading this should write more.
MeanMeanMrTu
15:28 May 17 2019
Thank you!