The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The Laundry Caper
16:59 Apr 27 2013
Times Read: 578

See…this…THIS SORT OF THING…is what I have had to endure my entire life…MY ENTIRE LIFE!



Sure…I was beginning to stink, I sat right here not 12 hours ago and said to myself…”Mikey boy…you’re beginning to stink.”. That’s what happens when one hasn’t done laundry in a month or two…one starts to stink and YES, that’s the level of sloth a single man can fall to…I mean…who do I have to impress? I have no female breasts to impress! It’s just ME! All by myself! I’m not going out on the town! Who do I have to smell good for?! Slasher flicks don’t care if I stink a tad and neither does steak and green beans!



Should you find yourself in close proximity to a little stinky single old man, don’t bother telling him he stinks, he knows, he just doesn’t care anymore…he’s become un-tethered from societal standards…he knows he’s not getting laid…not even if he smells good…doing laundry in this phase of life is almost pointless.



Alright…there I am stinking a bit and I realize…begrudgingly…that I am going to have to do a laundry. Yes…YES…I too have that damn “Walt F. Disney” hope still alive! Who knows, I could be dancing with a penguin with great breasts tomorrow and stinking would only muck it up! Better not take the chance! Maybe I’ll run into her at Krogers while I’m buying steak and green beans! IT COULD HAPPEN!



So…I get all my quarters in a row and start the laundry…spray and wash…all that crap. While my laundry is washing, I fire up my little recording studio and start working on “Noel In Starlight”, that’s my first Christmas song I’m composing. FRENCH HORNS…I NEED FRENCH HORNS! VIOLIN…GIVE ME MORE VIOLIN! WHERE’S THE TROMBONES?! TROOOOOOOMBONES!



After an hour I run back down to the basement and put my laundry in the driers…then run back up to “Noel In Starlight”…OOOMPAH OOOOMPAH OOOOMPAH TUBA TUBA TUBA! OH WHAT FUN! I’M LOVING THIS!!! This melody line….that melody line…intertwine them make them work together…I NEED MORE MAJESTIC…MORE MAJESTIC PLEASE! TRUMPETS RIGHT HERE! TRILLS! GIVE ME TRILLS OR GIVE ME DEATH! MAKE THOSE FRENCH HORNS MORE SNAPPY! CRESCENDO…I NEED A BIG ASS CRESCENDO RIGHT HERE!! LEAVE ROOM LEAVE ROOM THERE”S PLENTY TO COME!! I was just having one hell of a good time! Let me…tell you…what happens when one is having one hell of a good time.



One loses track of time…the rest of the world ceases to exist…one is caught up in a dimension where seconds and minutes and hours have no meaning. Then reality slaps one in the face and they realize their laundry has been drying for 3 hours! They run like a flash back to the basement only to find their laundry…gone.



*RAISES AN EYEBROW!*

Mistress Lane’s Puppies…Mia & Maisy
14:24 Apr 19 2013
Times Read: 604

Mia…”Did you see what our mistress said?!”

Maisy…”No…what?”

Mia …”She said when she goes we are going with her!”

Maisy …”HUH?! Where?!”

Mia …”In Mr. Tu’s post!”

Maisy …”What the hell does that mean?!”

Mia …”Well it doesn’t mean we’re going for a ride in the car!”

Maisy …”But…but…but…”

Mia …”She sounded pretty sure.”

Maisy …”How in the hell can she know that?!”

Mia …”I dunno, but this is very worrisome.”

Maisy …”What are we gonna do?!”

Mia …”We’re going to have to make sure she’s feeling alright before we eat.”

Maisy …”Yeah! Good idea! Do we still play with her?”

Mia …”Yes, we need to act natural, speak, roll over, sit, all that crap, don’t let on we know what she’s planning!”

Maisy …”Oh my God, what about when we sleep?!”

Mia …”We’ll take shifts, one of us must always be awake and if you hear her gurgling or choking run and hide under the kitchen table”

Maisy …”Yeah! Good idea!”

Mia…”And don’t let her get behind you!”

Maisy…”Right!”

Mia …”We have to stop taking any rolled up treats too! Even bacon!”

Maisy …”NooooaaaaaAARrrRrRRROOOOooooOOOoooo…NO BACON?!”

Mia …”I’m afraid we have no choice and if ANYTHING tastes funny…SPIT…IT…OUT!”

Maisy…”But why does she want us to go with her?!”

Mia…”I don’t know…humans can be emotionally twitchy.”

Maisy…”I mean…I’d miss her and everything like that, but we haven’t even come close to catching that squirrel ‘round back yet!”

Mia…”I know…HEY! We can tell her to take the squirrel with her!”

Maisy…”WAIT! THE CAT! We can tell her to take the neighbors goddamn cat with her!”

Mia…”YEAH! THE GODDAMN CAT!”

Maisy …”Okay…okay…I’m feeling better about this, good thing you saw that!”

Mia …”Yeah! Ya know, we could go lay on her grave for a few weeks and get our picture in the paper!”

Maisy…”We’d be famous and I bet people would give us really good treats!”

Mia…”This is starting to sound really good! We just have to keep a close eye on her!”

Maisy …”Right! What do we do now?”

Mia …”Let’s go take a crap in the living room!”

Maisy …”Yeah! Good idea!”

Sex And The Hot Teacher
17:47 Apr 16 2013
Times Read: 620

I want to say first, and being a male of once adolescence (perhaps even now), I feel something of an expert, psychologically speaking, concerning banging hot teachers. Now don’t misunderstand me, I never banged a hot teacher, mores the pity…BUT…I can expound…with total authority…that…any adolescent male that had the unbelievable fantastic astounding almost mystical good luck and did in fact bang his hot teacher, did not suffer emotional or psychological scarring of any kind…this is indisputable and I’ll tell you why.



Males are predators…even pimply little adolescent males…predators. Sex at some level…is always foremost in consideration….always. It’s biological, hardwired, there’s no getting around it, there’s no changing it, all one can do is simply accept that reality. Now with that firmly in mind, let us combine with such the whole Freud “Mother” theory, that psychologically the adolescent male desires, in the depths of his smutty little mind, craves, an older woman. This phenomenon was explored in the movie “The Summer of 42”, remember that movie? This is every adolescent boy’s ultimate dream! Banging his hot teacher! It’s Christmas! It’s better than a Red Ryder BB Gun!



Such a conquest will only bolster the adolescent boy’s self sense of machismo. He will walk the halls of his High School as if a King. His contemporaries will speak of him in hushed awed whispers…they will sacrifice goats in his honor…lunch money will be offered freely…rooms will be silenced when he enters…he will be envied…he will fall into legend.



Emotionally and psychologically scarred? I think not.



Now for young females…the Yin of the above Yang…I obviously have no knowledge…BUT…I have heard…oh yes…I have heard vague omissions from certain male teachers from our High School years… machismic whispers without identification of the naughty girls. Oh how smugly, prideful, wistfully those tales were almost…almost…told…*scowls*.



I have my suspicions…I remember seeing “Body Language”…I remember out of school gatherings and odd combinations of people conversing…combinations that made no sense…unless…yes…I have my suspicions…BUT…I don’t…know.



I know there are females from our High School years that are reading this…oh you may not always comment, but you are reading…I am sure to watch Mr. Tu make a fool of himself…to embarrass himself…is irresistible...I understand that. And I also understand that if you, personally, did not bang the hot teacher… you know who did! Girls Locker Room banter prohibits concealment! You know…yes…you know.



To one day die without this information is unacceptable! CONFESS!!

Mr. Romantic
16:20 Apr 15 2013
Times Read: 629

Well…none are ever going to call me that! I’m much more of the caveman type in matters of amour. Oh sure…sure…I can fake it for a while, most men can…but…I definitely won’t be running a marathon romance course. If I look deep in your eyes and sloshly mumble something…don’t blink…because that’s it! That’s my romance in all its glory! Alright…let’s get to the devouring and carnage please.



I don’t think men know what would be even considered romantic…I know such confuses yours truly. On a moonlit starry night…in a deep lush green wood…I’ll give you a 5 minute head start…RUN! See…that I consider romantic, yet I know women will not…well…perhaps not admit it…but…THAT’S HOT! God…I desperately want to do that before I die! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT! AAaaAARRRrrrrRROOOOO!



I suppose men could make all the known romantic gestures, we could force ourselves to go for a walk in the rain (how the hell that’s romantic is simply beyond me)…we could write an epic love haiku in your honor…



Your breasts look so fantastic

I can't wait to be with you

I look down your blouse



…and I’m sure at least a thousand other romantic gestures could be found and executed…BUT…you see…that’s the problem! All the romantic gestures have become cliche’! Men feel like complete idiots when we attempt one! We know…you know…we didn’t create it! We know…you know…we are merely jumping through a romantic hoop! We know…you know…we are just doing it for sex! And we know…you know…we better damn well do it! It’s fake…can you name me one romantic gesture that was not learned from history? One? No…you cannot.



Oh ho ho ho…now you wait a minute…if we men did get creative, if we did come up with something new, something original, a woman would not see such as romantic because the action has no romantic history attached to it!



I can sense you need a few examples…alright…a flower made out of a Hostess cupcake and Hershey bar squares…crap…never mind…there are no more Hostess cupcakes…THANKS! Alright…alright…attaching a thin leash to a parakeet that has balloons reading…”I Love You”…attached to its feet and then letting you guide said bird to dinner…we can attach the leash to your chair as we dine (I must remember that one). Ah ha ha haaaa…I just thought of that Saturday Night Live skit…”Dick In A Box”…with that Timberlake fellow…HILARIOUS…if you have never viewed it…RUN…to Youtube right now and watch it!!



In any event…you get the drift…it’s all been done before…I don’t know how any romantic gesture could be carried out…without…gales of laughter erupting. It’s embarrassing…it’s just embarrassing.



I still like the forest idea.

Evil In Mayberry
10:56 Apr 13 2013
Times Read: 652






Now…IF…I could somehow reside in the Mayberry of Andy and Barney…why…I would be their Marilyn Manson! I would be shocking! The ultimate evil…*sticks out tongue and hisses*!



Aunt Bee and the Reverend Hobart M. Tucker would organize protests against me and parade with Clara Edwards and the rest of the All Souls Church outside the Sheriff’s Office! Helen Crump and Thelma Lou (who has a secret crush on me) would stop eating pie at the dinner and kissing with Andy and Barney until they took action! It would be glorious…*sticks out tongue and hisses*!



I’d place my concert posters in Floyd Lawson’s Barbershop window and Floyd, Howard Sprague, Mayor Pike and Ben Weaver would animatedly discuss the social implications of a vampire in their midst…*sticks out tongue and hisses*! Floyd would stah-stah-stammer that I’m a nice vampire, but in need of a haircut…ah yesssss.



I’d rent room #13 at John Masters hotel to rehearse with the Darlings as my backup band and surprisingly Briscoe’s jug playing actually enhances the haunting quality of “Lonely Moon”. Andy would occasionally sit in on a rehearsal and at the end of each song say…”That was mighty fine, Mr. Tu…mighty fiiiiiine!”… *sticks out tongue and hisses*! (Refreshments provided by Rafe Hollister.)



On their bikes, Opie and his buddy Trey would follow me around town endlessly asking questions…”Do you really live forever?”…”Do you really drink blood?”…”Can you really fly?”…”Would you really bite our teacher Helen Crump or Thelma Lou?”…”How do you get to be a vampire?”…”Does that cape make you hot?”… and on Sunday they would sneak a plate full of Aunt Bee’s fried chicken and an apple pie up to my room… *sticks out tongue and hisses*!



Barney would Deputize Goober and Gomer for crowd control at my shows knowing all too well the trouble Ernest T. Bass, or Otis Campbell could cause. I would bring in “The Fun Girls” from Mount Pilot, Daphne and Skippy, to dance in cages on each side of the stage and with great amusement watch Helen and Thelma Lou glare at them. I would hire Emmett Clark to assure no technical issues… *sticks out tongue and hisses*!



Of course Aunt Bee would eventually warm to me and to her peril because if there is one person in Mayberry that I would make a vampire…it is Aunt Bee…how deliciously evil is that?! *sticks out tongue and hisses*

Cookies & Licks
16:13 Apr 11 2013
Times Read: 670

Alright goddamnit…I’ve been trying…in vain…to complete a few lead guitar stanzas in “You Taste Good”…my new vampire song…BUT…my mind will simply not cooperate! I’m right in the thick of a tasty blistering melodic lick when suddenly my mind wants to think about Oreos! This has been going on for…*looks at imaginary watch on wrist*…over an hour! It’s driving me insane! SO OKAY…okay…let’s talk about cookies!



Obviously…I shouldn’t have to tell you…cookies can be age sensitive. There are adult cookies and there are child cookies and…YES…I am generalizing here, I am well aware that many cookies span the ages and…YES…they pretty much all go with milk! That should go without saying…BUT…I know all too well that unless I spell it right out someone is going to come into this post and accuse me of being milk biased! Just because I take my cookies with Pepsi does not mean I think everyone does, or should! I understand completely that milk is the preferred beverage concerning cookies!



Nabisco Oreo…age neutral…both adults and children love Oreos! I’ve been known to nosh an entire package in one sitting. I just wish they had never created that whole “Double Stuff” Oreo…some things are better left alone! One cannot always make something better! And no…I do not twist an Oreo apart and scrape the middle off with my front teeth and no…even if I did do that I sure as hell wouldn’t lick it…such makes me cringe just thinking about it…*shudders*.



Nabisco Chips Ahoy…again age neutral…the only problem I have with Chips Ahoy is the simple fact that real homemade chocolate chip cookies are infinitely superior. NO…not the homemade chocolate chip cookies with almonds and whatever other bullshit people throw in them…simple…elegant…chocolate chip…cookies! One cannot always make something better! Leave them alone! Plus…I don’t like the whole Chips Ahoy “Chewy” business…there’s something creepy about that.



Pepperidge Farm Iced Molasses…Ah ha ha haaaaa…Pepperidge Farm is a premium adult cookie! I don’t care if your little yard apes eat them…Pepperidge Farm is an adult cookie! When I splurge on cookies…it’s Pepperidge Farm! See? Do you see? Pepperidge Farm doesn’t have “Double Stuff”…or…”Chewy”…they don’t need to. Why? Because they are an adult cookie! This is one way to identify an adult cookie…no gimmicks!



Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream…heinous…Little Debbie anything…heinous.



Keebler Fudge Stripes…HOT DAMN…age neutral…I can eat these bad boys like it’s nobody’s business! I routinely destroy an entire package in one sitting…no problem! And thank GOD they have left them unfettered by gimmicks. Yes yes yes…I know…they have “Minis”…but you see…the basic integrity of the cookie is not compromised by size…one doesn’t see…”Double Striped”! VIVA LA KEEBLER FUDGE STRIPE!



Nabisco Fig Newton’s…age neutral…I think these probably sustained me as a child. There is no such thing as too many Fig Newton’s. Now…I have not enjoyed these in a while, so I’m not sure they remedied the only problem I had with them and that was…the packaging. Fig Newton’s came in that cellophane shaft and once opened was damn near impossible to close again. Sure…sure… one could curly Q the top after partaking of 10 or more and then tuck this under the rest of the shaft…but…I don’t know…it was very cumbersome…a hassle. I hope they’ve changed that. LOVE THEM THOUGH!



Alright…hopefully this was enough to satisfy the chemical neurotransmitters responsible for countless rude interruptions. I should add in closing…I am not…never was…never will be…I don’t care what one may say…one cannot convince me to try such…it’s futile…don’t even try…I am NOT…a “Dunker”! I have never dunked a cookie in milk…EVER! If I see one do such…I want them to know…I probably threw up in my mouth.

Deal Breakers
16:27 Apr 09 2013
Times Read: 688

In a world of perfect “Disney Love” there shouldn’t be such things as “Deal Breakers”…BUT…we all know they exist. Those queer personal idiosyncrasies/behaviors that another simply cannot tolerate, or perhaps more correctly, cannot tolerate if said idiosyncrasy/behavior cannot be purged. Although I should concede at this juncture there are “Deal Breakers” that a purge will not even be attempted…one will simply draw a zero…a “Get Lost Deal Breaker”, if you will.



Now…it will surprise women to learn that they are endowed with a phenomenon known as “Invisible Deal Breakers”…what this means is an idiosyncrasy/behavior that would, for a man, in actuality be a “Deal Breaker”, is often ignored for the promise of sex. Men can endure almost insurmountable hardship and pain, for great lengths of time, if there’s sex at the end of the tunnel…really. A man will lay there being an emotional tampon as long as there’s sex just around the corner…he will…really…BUT…here’s the rub (HA!)…



As the woman begins to wean her man off sex, those “Invisible Deal Breakers” begin to appear in the haze, suddenly they become crystal clear. Many times the male will exclaim…”Have you always done that?!”…or…”It’s never tasted like that before!”…or…”You spent how much?!”…and now the man finds himself with a lap full of “Deal Breakers”.



Now…it will not surprise men to learn that all they have is the normal…every day…”Deal Breakers”. And for the male, these “Deal Breakers” actually consist of two sub categories…”Re-Trainable Deal Breakers” and the dreaded “Get Lost Deal Breakers”…and under no circumstance should men believe…even for a second…that they too posses “Invisible Deal Breakers”…that’s a ridiculous…ludicrous…monumental moronic notion.



“Get Lost Deal Breakers” are a closed door…there’s no known way around them. No…not even with a sextant, it’s a navigational instrument only and has nothing to do with sex. Examples of “Get Lost Deal Breakers” may include…a missing front tooth…smoking… profuse sweating…wearing the wrong brand of shoe…unpleasant aromas…pauper social status…perhaps a lazy eye…these are merely examples and by no means exclusive, I am positive there are more. Should a man own one…or more…”Get Lost Deal Breakers”…well…it’s over.



“Re-Trainable Deal Breakers” are very interesting because they are by and large dependant on the woman’s “Invisible Deal Breakers”. First a few examples of “Re-Trainable Deal Breakers”…putting the toilet seat back down…taking one’s shoes off upon entering a domicile…taking out the garbage…selling one’s motorcycle…watching heartfelt romantic teary movies…perhaps washing dishes (I know…I about fainted myself)…and again, these are merely examples and by no means exclusive, I am positive there are more.



By feeding bits of sex, the woman will coax the desired proper behavior thereby nullifying “Re-Trainable Deal Breakers”. The man becomes fixed allowing continued blissful co-habitation. Now here’s the interesting part…remember…the man’s “Re-Trainable Deal Breakers” are dependent upon the woman’s “Invisible Deal Breakers”.



As a woman’s “Invisible Deal Breakers” emerge from the heinous sexual weaning and become “Deal Breakers”…the man reverts back and the training of the “Re-Trainable Deal Breakers” becomes unceremoniously lost.



Then they get divorced.