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9 entries this month
My Orgasm Can Beat Up Your Orgasm05:51 Apr 30 2010
Times Read: 794
You know...I've always wondered...is a female's orgasm as intense as a male's? I don't see how it can be...after all...the females in our simian cousins don't even seem to have them...I don't see how they possibly could...man...those simian male bastards are fast...ON and OFF...15 seconds tops...WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM...couldn't be any female simian orgasms going on there! I've never seen a female simian hop skip away glowing...a smile on their face...we know that simian bastard got his...there are simian babies.
For a man there’s nothing more intense...why...you could beat a man in the head, that is in the throws of an orgasm, with a pipe and he’d have to finish before he’d say...”Hey...why are you hitting me in the head with that pipe?!”...it’s that intense! The Sun could super nova and a man having an orgasm wouldn’t even know it! If men could focus that intensely on mathematics...well...we’d all be Einsteins! We’d discover a cure for every disease known to this world! We’d come up with new delicious meals!
I was thinking about that just the other day...we have Chinese dishes...like...chicken and broccoli and rice and carrots and onions and bean sprouts in a sauce...I think it’s called...SAS SHWAN CHICKEN...or...we have just about the same thing with beef in it...GENERAL TOWL’S...something like that...well...why don’t we have an American equivalent? I’m thinking...steak and broccoli and onions and potatoes. all covered with a nice cheese sauce! We can call it...GENERAL TU’S...I can hear it now...”Honey I’m hoooome...what are we having for dinner?”...”We’re having General Tu’s sweetheart!”...”FUCKING AWESOME HONEYBUN!”...and then for desert I’m thinking...fried cubed pork chop bits dipped in chocolate...CHOPCOLATES!! Oh yeahhh baby! Now we’re cooking!
Why can’t we as Americans get a little inventive? When was the last time a new “dish” was created? Huh? When? Am I asking for too much here? Now...alright...where was I? Oh yes...
...I know there’s no way to prove it...but I think a male orgasm beats a female’s for intensity.
Waddaya Mean No?05:25 Apr 28 2010
Times Read: 827
Now I’m pretty damn sure my mother didn’t have sex with my father for the last 35...or so...years of his life. You’d have to know my mother and it would take an infinite number of entries to explain her…or him for that matter...just trust me…she didn’t!
Now…if my father honored his wedding vows, that would mean he had two choices…spend his adult years not enjoying the physical pleasure of a woman…or…rape my mother. I’m sure you ladies are appalled at the idea of my father raping my mother, but I have to wonder how you ladies feel about a man going 35 years without sex? Married…yet going 35 years without a single Badda-Bing! Blasphemy!
Oh I know what you’re thinking…”There was another option for your father Mr. Tu.”…remember I said…”if my father honored his wedding vows”…well…turned out he didn't as I found out years after his death...he did have an affair…how long it went on I’m not sure…but it happened…so for at least a while…he got his.
What a crappy fucking situation to be in…what an unfair...crappy fucking situation! I’ve known many men in...or have been in...this exact predicament. I was in this “Merry Little Torture Time” for the last 2 ½ years I was married…oh sure…she banged the hell out of our “friend“ on a regular basis…but I guess she thought it would be “cheating” to bang her husband. I thought about raping her…oh yes I surely did.
Ladies if a man is going to wed you and promise his fidelity to you…in my opinion…you have an obligation to have sex with him while you are married! That’s part of your end of the deal! If he’s required to be faithful…you’re required to put out! There should be a clause put into the marriage license…once a week at the minimum! That…or you shouldn’t get upset if he satisfies himself with another woman…even if he has to buy it! You both could keep a little “Sex Calendar”…you know…mark each day with a big red “S“! Yeah...that's the ticket!
Learning The Ropes07:26 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 864
I tied my first female when I was 11…she was 12 and a young bloomer…if you get my drift *raises an eyebrow*. I am sure I was 11 because we had just moved to where I would spend my teenage years. There were a whole gang of kids in that neighborhood and Brenda…the young bloomer…stood out (he he he) and I was hopelessly smitten upon first sight.
There were acres and acres of woods in the gangs’ universe and we used them to play Hide ‘N’ Seek…Hide ‘N’ Seek with a small twist. There were two “Forts” in those woods…one in a tree and one on the ground in different areas. We would split into two groups…then…each group would go to one of the two forts. Upon hearing “Go” screamed from each fort everyone would choose weapons…scatter…and the hunt would begin…the idea being to capture opponents and take them to ones home fort…the most prisoners won.
On this momentous occasion Brenda…the early bloomer…and myself were on different teams when the hunt began…being the crafty little demon I was I wisely chose a sharp stick and a length of twine as my aids. I was stalking through the center of the woods which was a very large area of pines…very close together…very close…and I quietly emerged and surveyed the landscape. There crouched down behind a fallen tree was Brenda…the early bloomer…her back to me.
My face turned red…it burned…I could hear my heart pounding…everything seemed surreal as I silently approached…one careful step at a time. I swear to you there was nothing in my mind but the figure of her and that twine in my hand…one quiet step at a time…closer…closer. Watching her spy for others and not knowing I was but a few feet away was beyond exciting…what I felt was primal. I was only a step away when she must have sensed me and spun around and started to scream. I fell to my knees before her and clamped my hand over her mouth to stifle her scream and said…”You are mine now.”.
Our eyes locked and her submission was exquisite. No words were needed as I took her wrists and tied them together…then got to my feet and pulled her up by those bound wrists. I led her away into the pines with no resistance…her submission was total. I took her to the center of those pines and sat her down…I sat beside her and while holding her wrists…kissed her…kissed her again…and again…and again. She kissed back as fiercely as I kissed her. There were no thoughts...no walls...no distrust...not anything...just her bound wrists and our kiss. Her and I were what we were made to be...it was pure...it was primal...there was nothing false about it.
I am not sure how long we sat there kissing…yes…I lightly explored those buds (which only produced fiercer kissing)…but eventually the sun setting was noticed and we stopped. I again rose then pulled her by her wrists to her feet…I kissed her again as I untied her…I can not find the words to describe how we looked at each other at the end of that kiss…but there was a “knowing” in our eyes…I can not describe it better than that.
As we stood there…I think a little astonish…I stomped my foot and barked “Run!”. She screamed and took off running through those pines laughing with me in hot pursuit. I chased her out of the pines then through the woods to the edge where dirt paths through a field led to our neighborhood. I stopped there at that edge and watched her run down a path…looking back over her shoulder smiling every now and then. She stopped and we waved…then she disappeared around a bend.
Those were the purist moments of my life…never to be found again.
They Are Trying To Kill Me06:55 Apr 17 2010
Times Read: 889
I have suspected this right from the start....today I received in the mail...”GOVERNMENT BENEFIT SUPPLEMENT POLICY”...wow...“SENIOR FINAL EXPENSE PROGRAM’...WOW...Obama’s trying to kill me off quick...I thought this would be a little more drawn out...a year or two anyway...WOW! HOLD ON THERE CHIEF! I PLAN ON STOMPING AROUND A WHILE LONGER IF YOU DON”T MIND?!
He tells me right now, he’ll pay me $255 for my FINAL expenses...big of him...but if I want to enroll in his “GOVERNMENT DEATH PLAN”...he’ll pay up to 100%...or...$15,000 for my funeral and final expenses. Does he really think I’m going to go out that cheap?! WHAT?! A LOUSY $15,000?!?! Get the fuck out of here OBAMA! Old Mean Mr. Tu’s final PARRRRTAYYYYY is going to cost a tad bit more than that! GOOD GOD! I’ll burn through $15,000 on hookers alone! I’m going to have womens' breasts laying on every last inch of my body! I’m going to have a Mariachi band play “Killing Me Softly” and most likely stay drunk the entire time! I’m going to have AWESOME party favors!
I can hear that prick Obama now...”We better get this information out to Mr. Tu because I know we’re killing him!”...wow...fuckers...he doesn’t even say here how much this would cost me...*snorts*...no surprise there. I have wondered how he was going to pay for everything...now I know...by killing off Mr. Tu!
Well...I do have to give him a little credit...he’s not going to charge me for this information...big of him.
Michael & Mr. Tu Go Back To Work07:28 Apr 15 2010
Times Read: 915
(For those that do not remember...or know..."Michael" is my inner child.)
Michael..."Awwwww...there's that fucker that yelled at us last night Mr. Tu!"
Mr. Tu..."Yes Michael...I see him."
Michael...""You really put him in his place huh Mr. Tu?"
Mr. Tu..."Yes...I surely did that Michael."
Michael…"Look at him Mr. Tu...*giggles*...he won't even look at us."
Mr. Tu..."I imagine he will not look at us for some time Michael."
Michael...*Covers his face with his hands and giggles harder.*
Mr. Tu..."Michael? Michael! *snaps fingers*...Michael look at me!"
Michael..."Yes Mr. Tu?"
Mr. Tu..."Would not it be nice for once...just for once...to be liked at our work place?"
Michael..."...*ponders*...But we'd have to eat gobs of shit for that Mr. Tu."
Mr. Tu..."Would it be so hard Michael to turn the other cheek every now and then?"
Michael..."I don't want to eat gobs of shit Mr. Tu."
Mr. Tu..."But Michael...we could have someone to sit with at breaks."
Michael..."I DON'T WANT TO EAT GOBS OF SHIT MR. TU!"
Mr. Tu...*sighs*
Michael..."Mr. Tu?"
Mr. Tu..."Yes Michael?"
Michael..."Aint I your friend?
Mr. Tu..."Of course you are my friend you budding little Genghis Khan."
Michael..."Your best friend Mr. Tu?"
Mr. Tu..."Yes yes dear boy...my very best friend!"
Michael..."You're my best friend Mr. Tu...so why do we need another friend at work?
Mr. Tu…”You are right Michael…we do not.”
Michael…”We just go there so we have money for JC Penny catalogs…right Mr. Tu?”
Mr. Tu…”Yes Michael…I know how you adore the brassier section in the JC Penny catalogs.”
Michael…”Fuckin’ A right Mr. Tu! Mr. Tu?”
Mr. Tu…”Yes Michael?”
Michael…”You’re not going to let scum pricks yell at us at work…are you?”
Mr. Tu…”No Michael…I will not let scum pricks yell at us at work.”
Michael…”I love you Mr. Tu.”
Mr. Tu…”I love you as well Michael…now…run fetch us this months JC Penny catalog.”
Michael…*runs*
Tip Toe Through The Tulips With Me07:53 Apr 14 2010
Times Read: 935
Well...after a year and three week vacation I am now the proud owner of a brand new job! I have been doing...well...being trained...for this wonderful new job for the last 10 days...well...afternoons actually...but I digress...let me tell you a little about this job...
...first...it's in an extremely hot environment and I have to wear a huge wonderful new respirator the entire time...because of the lead you understand. Then I have to load by hand big battery cells...the very ones used by locomotives...into a hydrolic press and believe me it's not a pat thing...a ton of fiddle fucking around...this is while the interior of my respirator is turning into a swamp and the sweat from my forehead is running down the inside of my wonderful new safety glasses. Then once the cells are finally...FINALLY...correctly in place and the press is locked I have to take a long bar of lead and a torch and fill in the patterned areas with molten lead...again not a pat thing...a hundred ways to do it wrong. Combine that with a thousand other little bullshit procedures and you have...in a nutshell...my wonderful new job! Oh and...I am doing it for $6 less an hour than my last job...AND...I have to take a shower with 30 other men before I can leave...the lead you understand...contamination and the like.
I have a..."kid"...that has been training me on this wonderful new job and even he...that has been doing it for years...screws it up every now and again. I have screwed it up 2 times in the last 10 days...2 TIMES...and tonight was the 2nd time. Well...the "kid" yelled at me...he yelled at me...he yelled at me...he yelled at me...I keep typing that and I still can't believe it...the "kid" yelled at me! ME?! MeanMeanMrTu?! TheMightyVampireTu?!! ME?!?!
Well...my respirator and safety glasses came off and I started with..."You little fuck face..." and I finished with..."...EVER AGAIN!"...coupled with some minor finger pointing...well...finger stabbing actually...*snorts*.
I was going to be nice this time around...really...I was. I get to do this all week...all week for God knows how long.
I did something really bad in a previous life.
The Viagra Myth09:24 Apr 10 2010
Times Read: 964
Viagra? Huh? What are they talking about? 40 years old and you need Viagra?! Get the fuck outta here! Men you need Viagra about as much as you need bells on your work boots! Viagra? Huh? Well I'm not surprised many of you men have trouble with your "Tower of Power" when one considers the 5 decades of propaganda you've had to endure! You've all been telling your "Bullweiner" he wants something he has absolutely no desire for whatsoever...love and sharing! Any self respecting "Bullweiner" can't perform under such conditions!
Men have forgotten what a "Bullweiner" is...a "Bullweiner" is a rampaging...take no prisoners...one eyed Genghis Khan...Storm Trooping...vine swinging...Flesh Godzilla...Volcanic...Kansas Twister on steroids!! It doesn't want love...it doesn't want sharing...awake it wants to rule the world and by God...so shall it be!
They're playing with your minds guys! Right now the "Viagra Sissies" are telling generations of men that by age 40 they are going to be limp dicks that need help...and the horrific truth is...after years of this ideal being reinforced...that's exactly what will happen! Don't fall for it guys!! DON'T WATCH THE COMMERCIALS! DON'T DO IT! IT'S A TRAP! They are trying to trap you in a world of pills and candle light bubble baths! DON'T FALL FOR IT! AVERT YOUR EYES! AVERT YOUR EYES!! COVER YOUR EARS!! All you need is about an hour and a couple of silk ties! I swear to Sunny Jesus that's all you need!
*Extends arms out wide* MEN OF THE WORLD HEAR ME! Turn the clocks of your minds back...Back...BACK...back to the primal...earth shaking...T. Rex...club wielding...CAVEBULLWEINER PAST!!
JUST LET HIM LIVE! There's no better aphrodisiac than good old "Mother Nature"!
Heaven Online06:12 Apr 06 2010
Times Read: 989
Oh they’re working on it…oh yes…yes they are. A paralyzed man, aided by microchips, has already operated a computer with only his mind, monkeys have had microchips implanted and then used a mechanical arm as if it were their own, they are bridging the gap between man and machine. It’s only a matter of time till they figure it all out. Did you know they have organic hard drives?
When it comes right down to it, the reality you know, everything from sight to taste to hearing to touch, is all electrical signals interpreted by your brain…you’re consciousness is electricity.
What does your brain need to live? It needs oxygenated blood and I’m sure it must need nutrients…but…does the brain really need the body to live? I would think the brain would only need oxygenated, nutrient supplemented blood continually pumped through it, the right “type” of course.
What if you could go visit great grandfather on your pc? What if, upon the death of your body, they could preserve your brain and in effect, put you into a virtual world? We have those online now…Second Life…and a host of other virtual worlds, I believe they’ll get to that point. We’ll have vast buildings with nothing but glass encased brains all hooked up to the net! Ohhhh ho ho ho…*wrings hands*…there will be millions of them!
There won’t be funeral costs anymore…you’ll just pay a one time isp fee and away you’ll go! (It’s going to be expensive, so start saving your pennies!)
They’ll get all the “signals” thing worked out eventually…you’ll “see”, “hear”, “taste” and “touch” in your virtual world. There will be a virtual monitor you can access to speak with your “alive” friends and family. I bet you’ll be able to choose how you look! Why…one could be anything they wanted, anytime they wanted! One could do absolutely anything at all! Wow…I could be a REAL vampire! I would be immortal and have to live on blood!! (I wonder how long the brain can live without the body?….*ponders*...Maybe they’ll even get to the point where they can download “you”…see…this is what happens when I have too much time to think!)
If they could…would you?
Victim Kissers17:34 Apr 01 2010
Times Read: 1,016
I have kissing, it's nuances and ramifications on my mind. A thought has occurred to me...can the kiss be boiled down to two different types...or...more accurately...are people one or the other in the arena of Dominant or Submissive Kissing? Are you a Warrior or a Victim...lip wise? And does this set the stage for the relationship?
I think we’ve all had the Alien Probe Kiss and this is a Dominant type of Kissing by the Proboscis. If this type of kiss is happening between two...then...the other must be a Kissing Victim...an open gaping maw just being ravaged...how awful! Why do you Kissing Victims let that happen?! Fight damn you!
That moment right before that first kiss is going to happen...what are you thinking? Do you consciously know you are going to bend to the Warrior Kiss? Are you hoping for the best? Does the Victim Kisser feel dread knowing they will be helpless? Do you think you’ll just weather the storm?
Above I stated there were two types of kissers...but...I think there’s a third...I personally fall into this third category...The Louis And Clark Kisser...TLAC for short...TLAC Kissers are explorers...we immediately leave room for improvisation. The TLAC Kisser quickly assimilates the kissing nuances of their partner and patterns their response for a harmonic...toe tingling...kiss.
NOW YOU JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE! A TLAC Kisser is not...let me repeat that...IS NOT...a Victim Kisser! We have our kiss and have no qualms about grabbing an Alien Proboscis Warrior Kisser by the shoulders...pushing them back...and then tactfully saying...”What the fuck are you doing?!”!
Nor are we Warrior Kissers...TLAC Kissers are...Instructional Kissers...yes....yes...that’s perfectly right...Instructional Kissers. I like to think TLAC Kissers make The Planet Kiss a better place!
Lastly...if someone told you...your kiss was terrible...it sucked (ha ha ha ha)...would you be offended? And if you would be offended...why? Have you had schooling? Did you go to lip college and take Kissing 101? Did you sit atop a mountain and ponder with a Lip Master from the far east? Have you given the essence of the “Kiss” deep and reverent consideration? NO...no...you haven’t! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!
VICTIM KISSERS? GROW A PAIR!
“A tongue rammed down a throat is not passion”
~Tucrates~
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COMMENTS
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SteelIndigo
06:21 Apr 30 2010
I don't know about intensity. I think they are different and in some cases more easily come by because most males are preoccupied by them. I wonder how they get anything done sometimes :)? Maybe this is why there are so many wham bamm thank you ma'am kinda guys most women hate. I consider it a lack of self control. At least women don't have to worry about things associated to viagra ... haha.
MeanMeanMrTu
06:42 Apr 30 2010
A man thinks about sex something like 100 times an hour...now...this is how we were made...we didn't ask for it...it's just the way it is.
As far as "Wham Bam Thank You Mam"...God...it would be great to be able to have it like that every once in a while...no jumping through sexual hoops...just like our simian cousins...15 SECONDS...DONE!!! Then the woman just goes back to doing whatever the hell she was doing...no harm no foul...*sighs*.
To your Viagra comment...neither do I *winks*.
ThothLestat
14:23 Apr 30 2010
Ya know, even Sting had to admit that the whole "Tantric sex" bit was a joke, a drunken one at that. The reality is that we're more like our simian cousins than we like to think. Not that I'm confessing anything, natch.
To your point, Tu, I'm absolutely convinced that everything posted on ThisIsWhyYou'reFat.com is a result of American ingenuity & orgasm-induced moments of genius.
Excelsior!
atyourwindow
20:29 Apr 30 2010
agreed....to hell with col.sanders we have tu! lol
MeanMeanMrTu
07:55 May 01 2010
Thank you for the link Mr. Thotherson!
MeanMeanMrTu
07:57 May 01 2010
AHhhhHhhhh Ha ha haaaaa you are AT it again!!!