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The world out there; not in black and white, but in grey, becons across the sniggering moon. So full. So divinely filthy is the night as to merit all my attention. At times, but only at times, I try to peer ahead and see a shadow on the wall of this decadent suburbia. An entourage of hypocritical inconsistencies. But all I see are grinning puppets. Black eyed Pierrots smiling at their own folly.



Where are the vengeanceful Nephilim? Have they all perished after lying with mortal Lilliths? Like soft-bellied bumble bees which die in pleasure after giving their fateful sting? Is that all there is? Pleasure and pain? Should we persist?



The stars are cold tonight and my thoughts wander. Blood red wine, my one companion, has abandoned his mistress, and all else is silence. The pen is bereft of all thought. The page as white as leprosy.



Where are you my inconstant terror? Why have you forsaken your bride to lonely torpor?



My sheets are as cold as the stars, yet they are all I have tonight... icy is the embrace of death, yet I long again and again to feel her frozen flesh against mine. Hard lips whispering a much longed for welcome. Serpentine breath perfumed of putrifying roses.



Yes... the dark becons... crying out in anger and hunger...

Travel affects certain people weirdly, its as if once they go abroad, they cannot bear not to do it again... as soon as possible. In the last year and a half I went twice to Belgium and once to Italy, now I may go to London too in November. I`m not sure yet. Plus I already have a trip to Venice and one to Germany in mind for next year... lol I wonder if I`m becoming an addict?



*sigh*

Anyway Summer is over for good. It really rained all of yest night and this morning (and I loved it), and as of next week I`ll be working full day again :-( NOOOOOOO...



At least there are some very good gigs coming up, that should comfort me for sure. Not to mention my substantial pay rise :-)

I admit I stole the following poem from Dragonrouge`s journal, but it was too beautiful to resist. And as he isn`t the author...



"Der Vampir"

by Heinrich August Ossenfelder



My dear young maiden clingeth

Unbending. fast and firm

To all the long-held teaching

Of a mother ever true;

As in vampires unmortal

Folk on the Theyse's portal

Heyduck-like do believe.

But my Christine thou dost dally,

And wilt my loving parry

Till I myself avenging

To a vampire's health a-drinking

Him toast in pale tockay.



And as softly thou art sleeping

To thee shall I come creeping

And thy life's blood drain away.

And so shalt thou be trembling

For thus shall I be kissing

And death's threshold thou' it be crossing

With fear, in my cold arms.

And last shall I thee question

Compared to such instruction

What are a mother's charms?



(1748)

I hate depending on others. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! GODDAMIT!



Sometimes I just want to go somewhere in the wilderness and live my life alone in a hut with no need for clothes, cars, cutlery or other stupid civilized appliances. No need for money. No need for other people.



Well... most of the time to tell the truth.



ARGHHHH



I should just lock myself somewhere and throw away the key!



How about an asylum? I`d feel right at home... probably they`d make me their empress!!! Ha!

Craving emotionlessness, passing through stages of coldness, is invariably and paradoxically painful. Yet, it is perhaps preferrable to being a soft weakling as most people are. Reaching towards becoming my ideal; the Ice Queen, who cares for nothing and no one, is bittersweetly confusing. Again, strangely enough, though she is my ideal, I do not like her. Yet, I seek to become like her.



If one can`t feel, one can`t be hurt.



Only hurt others.

I know he`s just using me. When he was single he was obsessed about me. I used to forego going out with my friends or bf to stay in and listen to him go on and on about how unjust life is... now that he has a gf I rarely hear him and when I do (like right now) it`s just grumbling about her. OH FOR GODS` SAKES! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A FRIEND IS!?? All you care for is shagging... you say you value friendship but you wouldn`t know a real friend if she was staring at you right in the face! When I really needed you; was heartbroken and alone, you just came online to grumble about J. After MONTHS of hearing about her its someone else now! I`m sick and tired of it! How can`t you realize? Don`t you see your stupid bloody attitude? Why must it always be me who`s consoling you? Why can`t you do the same for me when I need it?



DAMN YOU!



And I just can`t tell you to just fuck off... I like you too much for that. Darn, why on earth am I like this? Once I extend the hand of friendship (which I admit is very VERY seldom), I just cannot take it back.



I hate this side to my character. Maybe I`m really pissed off at myself not at him... because I can`t tell him to sod off...

Seeing many beautiful places, one after the other, is often said to uplift the soul to new heights of understanding. I saw the famous Duomo of Milan, I went to Venice, to Verona, to Garda, to the Dolomite Mountains. I saw incomparable beauty and knew peace at the shore of entrancing rivers and waterfalls. I basked in the clear air of the mountains and sang with slow Italian songs while looking at golden inlaid masques and costumes... and yet... and yet...



... all I understood was the measure of my own loneliness...



I went abroad with a tour - that is a group of people... a group of strangers I knew nothing of and WANTED to know nothing of. My parents were part of this group. The two people I felt most estranged from. I didn`t have anything to do with any of these life forms. I simply couldn`t comprehend them. I wasn`t interested in doing so.



Detached, I wandered away from the hoard as often as I could. Not even trying to communicate with any of them. The wonder around me captivated and saddened me; lulling me in a bittersweet bubble of melancholic feeling...



Back again, I am happy to have escaped contact with creatures I have nothing to do with. And yet, also embittered by the comprehension that I could have enjoyed it much more, had I not been so alone in the midst of all that teeming activity. Like Gulliver amidst Lilliputians. I was an alien. Perhaps I still am really. But at least here, at home, I am an expert at keeping my distance. In Italy it was more pronounced. More painful. Like being aware of breathing - something which comes naturally in usual circumstances.



Be that as it may. I have learnt my lesson. Better to be alone by one`s own, than alone in company.

We are always and inevitably alone. Though we may have illusions of companionship from time to time, solitude is our only lover, our only friend, our only family. That is the only permanent fact in life - all else is temporary and evanescent. Pure illusions.



When one realizes and accpets that, one can finally find peace and take reality as it comes.



That may seem pretty sad at first. A bitter pill to digest. However it is not so bad once one becomes acquainted with oneself totally and without blinkers. As my dear Oscar Wilde said 'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.'(hehe what narcissism!)



Anyways, I`m off to Italy on Saturday until the 15ht of September... and on the Monday after that (17th) I finally start my new job!! Yeehaa!!



Tata for now my little wee vampires :-)

Oh Gods I am so sleepy and so damn bored! I absolutely couldn`t sleep yesterday and ended up nodding off at around three and munching on through a couple of nightmares before waking up at 5.30... ughhh!!! To make matters worse I have to work some overtime today and will leave work at around 5.30pm - that`s in more than nine and a half hours! WITH NO BREAK!!!



This is bloody torture! I want my beeeeeedddd....

Ah Venice Venice Venice! City of Masquers and Decadence here I come!!!



5 days to go!

What is wrong with us? We want people we cannot have, don`t want those who want us, and get irritated when no one wants us or we are not interested in anyone! Pfft!



Anyways, my stupid love life apart, finally in six days I`ll fly awaaaaaay to Italy, and my most beautifully decadent obsession... VENICE!!!



WOOHOO!!!