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Am I really shy? People mostly think I am. At least at first. Huh. I behave as if I am shy, that`s true. Mostly because it`s easier. People don`t bug you if they think you`re shy. I`m disinterested in people in general not shy. And there is a BIG difference... it is just not so apparent.



I admit, I AM shy about certain things (at least most of the time...) Perhaps because I`m too much of an introvert. Worse, I like it that way. The question is, is Masque just a way to hide a self-deluded idiotic coward?



Or is shyness the real mask hiding the creature within?







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P.S Put a couple of new pics on my portfolio. Yes OF ME... not that there`s much to see anyway. Lol.

I keep trying to read other profiles. Listen in to other poeple`s lives. Pretend to be interested in strangers. The truth is, right now I don`t give a damn. I do not want to meet other people. I`m totally and irrevocably, inescapably... weary. Bored. Tired. Blah blah blah. The whole caboodle.



Don`t ask me why. I just have no idea. I guess I`m passing through one of those moods when everything seems just... pointless. (yes... AGAIN)



Damn. It is bloody worthless. We try to go on, try to strive, reach out... and for what?



NOTHING

Yesterday was the third official VR Maltese Meeting. Great. I met a couple of people I hadn`t met before, but basically we were the usual crowd... and it rocked!! Woohoo.



Actually we did nothing special, just bought some drinks and chilled somewhere, and then went to a biker`s hangout. Still had fun though... laughed a lot too, and I needed that.



Thanks guys... am looking forward to the fourth meeting... we MUST keep doing this every month!

How could I have even conceived the idea of making it? How could I have lost so much of my time, so much of my energy, over bloody nothing?



That is what I thought at first. On that awful nightmarish day. The proverbial Friday the 13th, when EVERYTHING went wrong.



Then on Saturday I woke up. And suddenly, I just didn`t care. No, that`s not right. I still cared, but I was NOT sorry. Not sorry for having tried. Not sorry for doing my best. Not sorry for hoping (even though my hopes were dashed onto the sharp and bleeding rocks once more). Not sorry for being me.



I have seen a lot of things and passed through a lot during these past three weeks. I`ve seen human sufferring and the heights men can reach through abuse and greed for power. Seen hypocrisy and hate. But it wasn`t all bad. I also saw true beauty. Beauty created by the hand of the Goddess, and beauty created by human hands. And I also tasted friendship.



All this changed me. Perhaps I may not show it. Outside. But I find that I have really grown, in some way that I just can`t describe. Oh I still love to be cosseted and pampered obviously... who doesn`t? Lol. And I am still me. Just me. A little bit sadder, and a little bit fatter (ok more than a little bit... damn Belgian chocolate)... and even a little weirder (if that is possible). Yet changed.



I am glad I tried. And though I don`t know if I`ll re-sit the test again, now I know that I can do ANYTHING if I want to.



Ooooooh power is sweeeeeet... *giggles*











... hehe told you I was weirder.

The exam is in 30 minutes! What the hell am I doing here? Yesterday four people took the test, and three of them failed! This tension is killing me. Oh fuck them! I ll do what I can and whatever the outcome they WON T meke me feel sorry! I am me; and if they don t want me it s their bloody loss. SO. THERE!

Somebody please shoot me!

One is never as alone as when one is surrounded by people. Having thought I would feel better once abroad, I see that once again, I have deluded myself. Severely. I had thought that outside that small restricted island that is Malta, I would find a place where I would NOT feel a fish out of water. Yet, here it is worse than ever. At least, back in that Goddess forsaken hole, I had my things, my ways and means of coping with emptiness, my small secret places where I could go whenever I felt I could not cope, and simply be myself for a while. Here, it is one big confusing meandering of trains and French speaking idiots. I am really fed up of Belgium. Nothing to do. Nothing to see. Nothing to look forward to... except for my exam next week. My supposed reason for being here. Wow. Terrific. I know I am going to fail, so why bother? The point is, I must at least TRY to do my best, or I know that I will never be able to live with my conscience... the bitch. Probably, I won t be able to live with my conscience anyway. I hate that little voice whispering in my head. Telling me how stupid I am... seems to have become stronger nowadays.



Anyway, I seem to be acquiring a whole new series of tics, paranoias and defects. Am eating my way through Brussels, so I have become really fat (and likely to become fatter during the next two weeks), I play with my hair whenever I am nervous or bored, so I am almost bald by now, and I always day dream when I want to escape some predicament or other, so I basically look like an idiot staring into space most of the time too... now THAT is a very nice picture isn t it? Lol.



Weee, as you probably realized, I am NOT in a good mood... you should have seen me three days ago... terrible. If this keeps going on, I ll be climbing the walls in two weeks.



Ooops, in the past no one on this site actually knew me so I could write anything without anyone getting worried or getting back to me with comments. Now I have realized that there ARE some people who actually read my journal AND know my face.... umm... don t get worried ok? This is just me being my usual pessimistic self... you know how I am... don t take any notice.



Hehe... I DO grumble a lot don t I? Oh well... anyway, if I cannot grumble in my diary, where can I? Lol :)