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I graduate tomorrow. Ha. What a laugh. A year lost amidst the trash.



Thanks very much Jurassiks.



If tomorrow is not gonna be a travesty, I don`t know what is. I have to meet again with the other people from my course; the hypoctrites. They`ll all have jobs in top schools and will feel all superior when I tell them I don`t want to be a teacher... well let them. What the hell do I care? I don`t give a damn. Only I hate explainining myself to people I deem as being inferior, and having THEM think I am inferior. Whatever... damn.



I hardly know what I`m writing... I`m so irritated...



Masquerade!

Paper faces on parade . . .

Masquerade!

Hide your face,

so the world will

never find you!

Masquerade!

Every face a different shade . . .

Masquerade!

Look around -

there's another

mask behind you!

Flash of mauve . . .

Splash of puce . . .

Fool and king . . .

Ghoul and goose . . .

Green and black . . .

Queen and priest . . .

Trace of rouge . . .

Face of beast . . .

Faces . . .

Take your turn, take a ride

on the merry-go-round . . .

in an inhuman race . . .

Eye of gold . . .

Thigh of blue . . .

True is false . . .

Who is who . . .?

Curl of lip . . .

Swirl of gown . . .

Ace of hearts . . .

Face of clown . . .

Faces . . .

Drink it in, drink it up,

till you've drowned

in the light . . .

in the sound . . .



But who can name the face . . .?

Just read yesterday`s entry. Gods, I sound really maudling. Kind of like my grandma! lol



Get a move on honey.



Shake off the crust of childhood and sizzle the world!

Something is ending. It is my childhood. Days of sunshine and laughter.



Where has that happy go lucky girl gone? Lost in a sand-storm of criticism and self-torment, mistakes and failures.



Hail the victorious dead...



I look back and it seems so far away. What was I so happy about? I feel it so painfully now, at the start of December. This was the time when I used to feel so alive with wonder... so filled with light. I cannot remember that emotion; the feeling that the whole world was good and ready to be discovered.



I feel so disenchanted with everything. Bitterness has puckered my heart. I walk the streets with blinkers over my soul; a spectre amidst zombies.



Where have I gone?

Lost in the eyes of a stranger.



Knowledge has killed innocence. An uneven trade. Oh Gods, I want to go back to beleiving in everything and knowing nothing...

I never approve, or disapprove of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices. I never take any notice of what common people say, and I never interfere with what charming people do. If a personality fascinates me, whatever model of expression that personality selects is absolutely delightful to me.



Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Grey



Gods this books has so many little treasure-nuggets which seem to have come expressly from my mind! Once in a while I get really fascinated by a person. It has nothing to do with fancying someone, in fact most often I am fascinated by girls (and I`m DEFINITELY straight). It`s not the gender, age, or even appearance that counts. That has absolutely nothing to do with it.



At times, I look at a person, and see a complex and wonderful soul shining out of their eyes. I know that doesn`t make any sense. But I do. From that moment I am completely fascinated by that person. It`s like when you read a character in a book; you fall in love with their personality. Only, it has nothing to do with physical love or love in the normal sense of the word. It is... FASCINATION.



The last time I got it was for a fourteen year old boy (and NO I`m not a pedophile). I used to teach this guy, and he was really special... you could perceive it...



Anyway, I haven`t felt that fascination in a while. It takes really someone extraordinary to bring it on. However, I guess in the old days, when they said someone was under an enchantment, that is the kind of feeling they meant.

Damn it! I hate living in Malta! I can`t do anything without everyone knowing all about it! It seems there`s an information network going right back to my mother. What the hell! I`m almost 22, what do they expect of me? I`m not a nun and don`t wanna be!!!



It goes like this; I know a girl (she goes to my fav club) and she`s a great friend of my cousin`s. So, each time she sees me with someone, she tells my cousin, and my cousin tells my mother! Gods! Can`t they leave me in peace???



Yesterday was really the limit. My cousin came over and told my mother she saw me with someone! Can`t she keep her long nose out of other people`s buisness? And I had allready told my mother I wasn`t seeing anyone cause each time she realizes I am... well that`s another story.



FUCK YOU - First you are hardly civil to me, and then you go and report what I`m doing behind my back???!! JUST FUCK YOU!

Seams the vote can go down as well as up! Can`t understand how that`s possible :( Damn. Oh well, whatever...

Wow, this is unbeleivable! I was just uploaded in the bisoul calendar contest today... and I`m in first place! I`ve got the most votes! I simply can`t believe this!

Sometimes, a stranger has the power to change your life completely. And I don`t mean shit about dating or whatever; i mean in a deeper more permanent sense. Let me give an example; when I was eleven someone I liked (a stranger I saw on the street and liked, that`s all - not somone I knew) was reading a book by David Eddings. I was in front of the book store, so I went to look at that book, bought it, and hey presto I was hooked up to Epic Fantasy, which has formed a big part of my character today.



So, that person changed my life totally and irrevocably without being aware that I existed.



At the moment, it`s even worse. There`s another person who is doing this and whom I don`t know and have never spoken to. Without being aware of it, he has, not changed me, but made me more myself. (Try and figure that one out... but it`s true)



I wonder, did I ever have that same effect on someone?

You twist and turn to escape the hands of fate. Living a life which doesn`t belong to you. Born at the wrong place in the wrong time. You search for something more. In vain.



Trying to run away. But you can`t run away from yourself. I am what the world made me. Maybe that`s why I can`t stand me.



Disjunction. The outside is so different from the inside; sometimes when I look in a mirror I can hardly recognize myself. What a laugh. If we could only have our real form. The one that`s inside... Gods! I would terrify everyone. And roar.



But the world is puny and fickle. Nothing is fair. Not even such an unimportant thing as seeming. Ah, Iago. My sweet. My nightmare. My fallen angel. Seeming and being...



We use people for our own ends. Dangling them like puppets dancing to a tune they can`t hear. And yet. Are we the puppet-masters or the puppets?



My green-shadowed monster. Hold me. Smother me in webs of deceit. Tell me you need me.



Then, let me abandon you. And smile.

I can`t understand why so many guys like to masturbate in the bathroom. I mean, you can do it anywhere you please. For example, look at the people who go to my favourite club. They touch themselves and get the hots in front of everybody... and no one gives a damn. There`s one girl especially who likes to do this (and no it`s not me). I`m really grateful to her cause even when I`m down to the pits, she always makes me laugh. She places herself in the middle of the dancefloor when there`s no one there and starts touching herself. And she doesn`t even keep to the beat of the music! Lol. Sometimes, I just can`t help it; I HAVE to imitate her. The point is, she never gets it... most of the time she behaves as if she thinks I like her style of dancing, or that I`m competing with her! When I`m just being satiric! (though, I admit, I DO like being naughty at times... but she`s not just naughty, she`s laughable)

Smother me in darkness

Hmm interesting day yesterday. I was really tired afterwards, but it was worth it.



What I did? *wicked smile*



Two girls.



Two guys.



One big empty house...



What do you think?

I hate anything that`s conventional or routine. Usually I try to break up the monotony of my life in the weekend, however sometimes even going out to the usual clubs becomes the norm...



I`d love to do something really crazy to step out of this letargic boredom.



Yesterday I gate-crashed in a five-star hotel with some friends and we were chased off by security. That counts as crazy I suppose, just not that original. (It wasn`t the first time) My friends like to go to these weird places which are usually off limits; most of the time we get away with it... sometimes we don`t. While the rest of my shittin` generation is headbanging like mad sheep (not cows), I`m usually looking at the stars from the roof of the Intercontinental... lol... depending on which angle I look at it, that looks either laughable or just damn hopeless. Perhaps it`s both.



But then, I`ve never been qualifiable... and I don`t want to be. (So there - this is for you lucioswolfe... hehe)

Gods, I love having someone to hate. Someone to blame for all my problems and self-torment. The least I know that person, the better. Usually it`s someone I`ve never spoken to, but encounter now and then. Someone who absolutely irritates me just by being alive. I know that basically it`s my own reflected defects I`m seeing in that person, but I can`t help it. I love piling up shit over their heads; burying them in it.



I guess that makes me childish and inconsistent. Frankly, I don`t care.



Hating someone else prevents some of the hate I feel for myself from reaching the surface.

This morning I woke up to a house echoing its emptiness. Again. I dressed and, switching on my mp3 player, ventured outside. For once, the weather reflected my mood. Cloudy, dark and in turmoil. The mp3 player blasted out its message of hopelessness and grief, creating a barrier between me and the rest of the world. Linkin Park`s 'Breaking the Habit' revealed a kingdom of unconscious bestiality. As I walked to the bus stop, everything around me seemed to rip at the seams. The sky turned into fractured puzzle pieces hanging by a thread over houses adorned by cracks and damaged plaster.



On the bus, I looked at all the mindless zombies hurrying along the pavement, so ignorant of the yowling monsters showing from behind their eyes. Shuttered windows betraying years of caged apathy. Was I so different from them? Did I share their perverse desire of hiding that part of me which the civilized world wants to destroy? Or does my consciousness of it save me? What good is being conscious, if one still behaves like everybody else?



I arrived half an hour early and went to sit on a big fountain near the bus terminus. Disregarding shiny-faced tourists and weary housewives, I put my bag under my head, stretched out on the wide rim of the fountain, and fell in a half-doze looking at the grim clouds and listening to Amy Lee caterwauling about how ugly she is (verrry realistic).



Pigeons passed across my vision now and then, making me sadder than ever. Reminding me of all I could never have.



Then - a buzzing. My friend had arrived. Reluctantly, I got up, switched off the mp3 player, and readjusted the mask.

I m fed up of posting the same pics over and over again to try and get into the Bisoul calendar. Each time, they tell me the pics are too small, or not named correctly, or whatever. Plus, at first I kind of liked the idea, but now people are seding pics which are not hot but vulgar (and yes there is a BIG difference), so I don t think it s such a good idea any more. It s not worth the hassle.

Nothing is forever. There comes a time when we must bid goodbye to everything we have ever known. Goodbye to the familiar places which have played a part in our lives. Goodbye to all those things which used to give us comfort. Goodbye to all the people we believed would never leave us. When that moment comes, all that is left for us to say is Merry Part. And Merry Meet.



All my life, I have waited for the chance to say goodbye. And now that I see that ending so close, now that there is hope of a new beginning; I am terrified. Terrified of change. Terrified of new horizons. Terrified of not being who I always thought myself to be. But most of all, I am terrified that once I arrive at the point where I always wished to be, I`ll look back and realize that I allready had all that I needed to have in order to be happy, and that I lost it all for nothing more than a dream.



Is it worth it - to gamble all, put everything at play - just for a dream? Is it? If we never risk loosing, how can we ever win? Are dreams not worth fighting for? Are dreams not worth dying for?

I was just reading one of my favourite journals. Gods! The guy should write professional erotic novels! His style is wonderfully titillating... not to mention the pics in his portfolio!



No, I won`t say who he is. His portfolio is VERY unconventional. As is his writing. Gods, each of his entries is simply astonishing; so dark, truculent and hot... like warm honey trickling slowly over crimson lips... I can`t explain the effect his journal has on me.



I`ll go and read some more.



Pal, you are really perverse. I revere you.

Amy Lee, I think, has taken a peek into my life and copied it in one of Evanescence`s music videos. It`s EXACTLY me (except for the fact that I`m not a famous model... nifty detail :))... anyway, apart from that, it`s me to each stop and comma. How is that possible? Every detail has happened to me... in the bathroom, on the roof, in her room... all of them. Gods! If you haven`t gotten which video it is you`re not living in my universe and so buzz off. Otherwise, you know what I`m talking about.



Anyway, I really feel awful each time I watch it cause it reminds me of the monstrosity in me. However I can`t stop watching it cause self-torment is rampant in my nature.



'We chose the silence,

hatred, cruel violence,

we should be ashamed

we had a chance that we ignored

now it`s too late

the end is knocking on the door

ready to claim us'

Damn. Remeber that 'cute' site someone on the rave recommended? Well, I logged in and tried playing the game, but I sure am confused. I just don`t get it. Anyone who knows what it is all about, how to get gold, etc, please message me.



Thanks.

Yesterday someone asked me the dumb question; 'Which is your favourite fairytale?'. My reply was 'I`m not into fairytales' (liar), however later, in one of my fits of acute boredom, I began to think it over.



Some years ago I did a short study on fairytales. Fairytales are actually the culmination of all those deep and most hidden desires prevalent in the human psychy. Most famous fairytales (like 'Cindirella' and 'Beauty and the Beast'), were handed down through the centuries (and I`m not joking, many of them are really old) from one generation to the other, from one country to another. What we have today is a much transmuted and Christianized version. If you found the most ancient versions there are, you`d be surprised at the difference between the old folk version and the 'Walt Disney' version of today. Anyway, as I said, most fairytales reflect the human psychy, so one`s favourite favouritale throws a light on one`s own character and state of mind.



My favourite ft, I must admit, is 'Sleeping Beauty'. Why? Well, let`s just say that for me, sleep is the only moment when I am truly free. Where I can be myself. To loose all those mental restrictions imposed upon me by society, strip myself of my self-imposed shackles, and finally admit, without reserves, the predator lurking beneath. Loosing myself in a void of complete surrender. Nothing is as erotic and as comforting as that. And then, that one pure moment of power. The instant between sleep and waking; when YOU make your dreams and everything is possible... *stares off in the distance*



So, you can understand why 'Sleeping Beauty' is my favourite ft. Imagine, sleeping for a hundred years, then waking up and finding out you haven`t aged at all! Wow. And then I ask myself, what do people who are in a coma feel? Are they conscious of being in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of them and people crying over them? Or are they blissfully ignorant of it all; living in a world of make-believe where everthing is as they want it to be?



Coming out of this reverie was painful and damnably down to earth. When I think of something deeply, I usually forget everything and everyone around me (that`s awful when it happens on busses; i always forget to get off at my stop), so descending to a place where... let`s say the scene was not appropriate to how I was feeling at the moment... that was really annoying and irritating. *sigh*



At least it`s raining today...

Gods, yesterday was really the night of the living jerks. All these guys tried to hit on me, and all with awful punch lines. I really laughed my head off comparing them. The worst was 'I`m interested'. That`s it! Not his name, or asking me my name, or asking the time, or asking if we had met before (that`s a dumb one, and it seems to be a favourite), and there are many more of these... just 'I`m interested'! How did he expect me to react to that? Gods, some people are really stupid.



Anyway, after being hit upon seven times in a row (for God`s sake, I wasn`t wearing anything special! just black trousers, white shirt, and a black top!) I got really fed up. Boring. Boring. Boring. I`m bored of being bored.



I wonder what it would take to shake me up a bit.

I am always grumbling because the guys I date are never 'up to standard'; that means they never come up to my ideal bf. How can anyone? I mean, I`v got this immensely complex being in mind; a mix of Lord Byron, Eric Draven and Tarabas (from 'The Cave of the Golden Rose')... how can anyone alive ever compare to that?



Personality 1: Get real honey

P 2: What for? Reality is not intersting

P 1: So, you`ll continue to live in fairyland, is that it?

P 2: For now. Time to become a stick in the mud when I`m older

P 1: Aw come one! U r really *bleep*

P 2: Fuck you



P 3: Gods, you`d drive Freud nuts!

Wow, I really like it here. When I`m depressed (which is most of the time), I just come in here and start reading some profiles... almost everyone here is depressed or stressed out about something or other. Seeing I`m not the only one makes me feel better. As thinking of dying makes me feel better (not joking).



'I look in the mirror and see your face

if I look deep enough,

so many fears inside that

just like you are taking over'



That`s from Evanescence`s 'Taking over Me' - am listening to it right now, and it seemed to fit this entry like a glove.

Choose three men you`d like to meet, who are now dead:



1) Brandon Lee (Gods I`d give anything)



2) Lord Byron (Obsessed)



3) Alexander the Great (He`s an enigma wrapped in a mystery)



Three women:



1) Boadicea (I really admire her)



2) Hatchepsut (The greatest pharoah; of course, she was a woman)



3) Doreen Valiente (oh wisest of the wise)

I don`t know where I heard it said that each girl at once in her life needs a gay best friend (guy). It would be hilarious to have one; I mean, you`d have the opinions of a girl and a guy rolled into one! Most of my best pals who are guys LOOK gay, but aren`t! Lol. Damn :)



Anyway, yesterday I was thinking; what do I really want from life? No idea. However, there have always been some things I meant to do before I left this shitty place we call earth. So, I thought about it a bit, then wrote them down in my diary. Some of them really surprised me... I am really a romantic at heart... but a bit pervy too! Lol. I won`t write them here. Suffice it to say; some of them are downright weird, others could be commonplace (for others) but not for me. Setting is crucial. Anyway, whatever it takes, I MUST arrive at ALL of them, at some time or other in my life. Else, I`d have done nothing worth remembering.

I am in a good mood this morning. Despite the fact that my throat is aching and I have a cold coming. Now that is VERY unusual... I wonder... (not the cold, the good mood! lol).



Hmmm it must be this interpreting course; if I succeed, it will open up a new realm of possiblities. Gods, I MUST SUCCEED!



Can you imagine... the travel, the money, the clubs... wow.

*sighs and looks off in the distance*



I have this damn obsession of visiting a couple of cool underground goth clubs which are in London.. you know the type... blood play galore and all that *grins evilly*



Oho, it`s one of THOSE moods; not just good, but kinda randy and naughty as well! Lol. Last time that happened, well, I was at a club called 'Koyote Ugly'; you can immagine what for - everyone saw me cavorting on top of the bar basically. Not to mention the pole. Anyway, the least said the better. (Though that episode with the underage guy makes me want to vomit).



Anyway, there`s still no job in sight, so not much reason to get all giggly either. *sobering up*.



Oh what the hell, I`ll think about that tomorrow (I feel like Scarlet from 'Gone with the Wind' each time I say that, and I DO tend to say it a lot).



Oh Ashley! LOL!!!

Ohhh, I woke up in the middle of the night, and it was raining. I adore rain. I threw the window wide open, then I padded to the roof in my nightdress and stood there, letting the rain wash away everything. I could feel icy fingers dribbling down my neck and back... hair plastered to my face... body shivering at four o` clock in the morning.



When I woke up at about nine, it was still drizzling.



For me, rain is like a friend weeping with me. It is a comforting emrace. It is a wonderful pathetic fallacy. Oh rain, rain, come down and bury me with liquid longing.

I`ve just realized, the days I enjoy most are those when I hardly talk to anyone. I just drift through my day, go my own way, think my own thoughts, with no contact with the outside. You ask, 'How is this possible?'. Believe me, it is. I wake up, the parents are out, so I have the house to myself, at about the time I know they`re coming back, I snatch my mp3 player and go out alone somewhere. When I get back (sometime in the evening), I just slink up to my room. And that`s it. It`s true I want to find a job, but damn, I`ll miss 'my' days when I do. Interacting with people isn`t really fun. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it`s just a social convention. After a while everything becomes stereotyped. And there`s nothing I hate more than stereotypes (no, not even Christians, unbeleivable as that sounds).



Ah well, it`s half past eleven (night), and my throat is aching like hell... what do you expect?

The day I grew up into an adult was the day I asked myself 'What am I here for?' I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was ten. Childhood ended that day.



I`m still searching for an answer. The worst is, lately I`ve become certain there IS no answer. That puts life into a totally different perspective. Everything is so empty and meaningless. I mean; might as well do anything I want and to hell with everyone else. 'Morality' is just a word. Anyone who thinks differently is just looking at life through blinkers. Maybe I should feel jealous of those who do so. Sometimes I do. Wishing to be shackled by society, in order to have access to my dreams and hopes once more.



Which is the real torment I wonder, being ignorant, or being aware?

OMG!!! H.I.M FANS MUST READ THIS!!!

Blabbermouth writes:

ContactMusic.com is reporting that Finnish goth-metal band H.I.M. prefer to indulge in group masturbation sessions rather than succumb to the allure of groupies, because they are scared of bedding a transsexual by mistake.



Frontman Ville Valo claims that joint viewing of pornographic channels on hotel televisions keeps their sexual desires at bay, and avoids any band members getting into embarrassing situations.



Valo says, "There's always temptation, but it's not hard to resist.



"In H.I.M. we synchronise our watches by having collective masturbation sessions. It keeps the urges down. Thank God for hotel porn.



"Why would I want to pick up a girl from the front row and go straight at it? Especially nowadays, you can never be sure — there's so many 'shemales' around.



"Plus, I'm not so fast that I could do it in one night."



!!!!! I wonder what Joanna, Ville`s girfriend, makes of this? Frankly, I don`t believe it; all the members of the band have millions of fans willing to bed them in an instant. And if they get a trans? So what? They can always shuk him/her out of the bed! *gasping and giggling trying to imagine Ville during one of the 'sessions'*

Must do something to fight this apathy. Boredom is eating me up. I`ve decided to do something new and unbeleivably crazy at least once a week. Allready have planned weird event for this week :) Lol. I even have the perfect dress. I hope no one I know will see me - well, even if they do, I don`t care. I mean to consume all the possibilities of this island while I am here.



As from next July, beware world...

Lately, I seem to be getting fed up of everything. And I mean everything. I don`t know what`s the matter with me; it started last Winter I think; I take up something (or someone), toy with it a few weeks, then get really bored and abandon it. I`m even getting tired of the rave! 2/3 weeks of anything seems to be my limit.



I definitely need a change of air.

In 'Interview with the Vampire' Lestat tells Loius something like:

'Merciful God... how you adore your pain Louis!'



I wonder... I always felt as if that phrase was meant for me. Do I like wallowing in sorrow?



Perhaps I do... perhaps it is all I have left.



In 'Queen of the Damned', Marius tells Lestat: 'Stop thinking only of yourself', and Lestat replies 'I only have myself. You taught me that'. Well, it`s true. We only have ourselves. I only have myself. Society taught me that. I would have it no other way really. I hate being dependent on others. More, I hate others being dependent on me. I want to know that, if I want, I can pack a bag this minute and just disappear. No ties. Nothing. Call me irresponsable and self-serving, I don`t care.



So, there it is.

Gods I really do suffer from moods; and strange ones at that! Have you ever heard of someone who has a real low self-esteem when she`s alone, then feels superior when she`s with other people? I mean, what the hell? Why do I have a low-self esteem and am depressed when I`m alone, and then when I`m with others (and not just your run of the mill Joe, Dick, and Harry, but EVERYONE) I feel as if they aren`t even worthy of polishing my shoes? Lol. Very weird but true.



Something else, I am basically shy by nature; yet during those periods when normal people are usually shy I am not! For example, yesterday I had a presentation about Greek Mythology at uni. I thought I`d be terrified; however it went really well! And more than well! I had the whole class rolling on the floor with my anecdotes, and at the end everyone clapped and gave me a standing ovation! Wow. Another time I should have been nervous and wasn`t, was my first date. I remember when I was younger; thiking about it as something in the future and shivering with apprehension, then, when it really came down to it - ABSOLUTE ZERO! Nothing. Nada. I was like 'Yeah, I`m going out with a guy. So what?' And the date went really well too. Perhaps the fact that I wasn`t really interested in the guy, but only liked him physically had something to do with it. Anyway...



There`s worse; I go like from being absolutely depressed to chuckling over anything in an instant (and NO I`m not pregnant, nor ever will be). I go from liking a person to really hating him/her in the same way. Unfortunately, once you`re on my black list, you`ve had it. No matter what I say (I lie). Lol. Bit funny really. From my point of view anyway.



Ahh, in a good mood today - that`s rare. I`d better go out and make something of it before it expires...