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DAMMIT NO NOO! NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!!



How on earth did he manage it? Did I actually just apologize for being spiteful!? GODDAMIT!!! Why am I such an idiot?! I had VOWED I wouldn`t fall for it again! And this was just online! What the hell will I do when I actually meet him! SHIT!



Ok. I`ll be impersonal, civil and normal.



FOCUS MASQUE FOCUSSSSSSS!!!



GEEEZ!

When I was little, I used to believe that no matter what happened, no matter how lonely I was or what mistakes I made, there would always be an angel at my shoulder, hugging me and never letting me be alone. Christianity had nothing to do with my belief, and it never faltered. But lately, it seems as though my guardian angel has abandoned me, leaving me in a void of loneliness.



Everything is utterly empty and meaningless. Life seems just so pointless... I can`t help feeling this way. Day after day things go on normally, boring and undending... and I ask myself why, if it is worth striving for... this tepid mediocrity we call life...



And I look back and search for my angel... knowing that when I turn around, there will be no one there.

Oh Glory! My new photoshoot is online and I LOVE IT!!!



THANKS MIKE, CHRISTINE, AND ALL THOSE WHO HELPED ON SATURDAY!!!

It`s weird how one can live through long days of unmitigated boredom which seem neverending, and then stumble upon other days which are totally exciting and as interesting as the sky....

Some time ago, I jokingly thought that I might be bi-polar. Unfortunately now I KNOW I AM!



Yesterday I was really pissed off at someone. I mean REALLY.



Now I just don`t give a damn! My life changes so much from one day to another... I change so much!



Lol. Boredom is anathema after all! So... YAY!

Just some days ago, I wrote an entry asking myself which image was true - the way we see ourselves, or the way others percieve us. Funnily enough, I never even realized how I was blinding myself to certain things. It took some friends to make me see that what I was taking at face value was really not acceptable at all. I left the kindest and sweetest guy in the world because I was infatuated with someone else. Someone whom, I thought, was very much like me and therefore could, in time, come to understand me.



How stupid could I be?



Keeping one`s distance is all very well, but making the same excuse over and over again is not. I don`t know why, but I swallowed it whole each time. Gods what an idiot! Ok, now I`ve got your measure Mister. And I swear, I won`t be taken for a fool any more. One way or another - I`ll make you sorry.



And laugh.

YAY!



H.I.M are finally releasing a new album in July! I posted a thread about it. This is the link:



https://www.vampirerave.com/message.php?message=455145



I simply can`t wait to hear it!

The way people see you and the way you see yourself are radically different. I was surprised to learn that a certain person whom I didn`t know at the time thought he had my measure, when in reality he didn`t see me at all. He only saw what he expected to see. I didn`t even know he existed, but as it turns out he had had his eye on me for some time. Now that he has begun to know me, I wonder if he has started seeing me for who I truly am, or if the image he had of me is continuing to cloud his judgement...



Which is reality and which is illusion?



Then again, I am sure that the way I see HIM is not at all like the way he sees himself... so, who am I to talk?



Everyone sees the world through his or her own particular lens. Everyone has a different perception. Mine is perhaps more twisted than other peoples` (ok there`s no perhaps about it at all), however I hate it when I realize how differently others see me. Of course, that is entirely hypocritical. But one has got to be realistic - and Goddes knows that even though I may hide the truth from others, I never hide it from myself.

Done.



To tell the truth now I feel much better. Less confused and stuff... however... I WILL miss him! :-(



He looked so sweet and sad when I told him that I was really tempted to take it all back and just hug him... but I didn`t...



He`s the most kind hearted person I`ve ever gone out with. I will always think that. Even though it hurts.



On another note... Gods there are some really serious creeps on VR!! Poor sods! I actually am sorry for them... they are so damn pathetic! Mental asylums are just too good for this kind of trash. They should just be put in line and SHOT!

Gods what a hypocrite!!!



How the hell do I keep getting myself in this shit!?



How DARE he criticize me!!!??? And why the hell should I care what he thinks!!!!???



Goddammit I`m so mad!!! Why on earth did I ask his bloody advice when I said I`d distance myself from him??



CUT IT OFF AND GROW UP! HE`S NOTHING BUT A PERVERT AND A HYPOCRITE! JUST GET OFF!!

It`s really frightening how much someone you are attracted to can influence you. I am fully aware of the power he has over me, and yet cannot stop it. Worse still, I don`t think I want to...



*sigh*



This is terrible... what a situation...



When I was young I used to watch an anime called 'E Quasi Magia Johnny' which in English means 'Johnny, it`s almost like Magic' (I don`t know why but the actual English anime was called 'Orange Road'). Anyway, the anime was primarily about a guy who couldn`t decide between two girls (he had magic powers as well btw). Seems fairly straightforward doesn`t it? But it isn`t really.



One girl was crazy about him. She was funny and sweet and his 'official' gf. The other one was mysterious and unpredictable, and he didn`t know if she actually liked him or not. You`d think choosing between them would be easy... but it really wasn`t...



Oh Gods Johnny, all my heart goes out to you right now. You may be a fictitious character from my past, but boy don`t I understand you!?!!!



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a-c0hd5OdU