The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I close my eyes against the blidning sun. It fliters through the branches of the enormous and gnarled tree spreading above me and bathes my face with an unholy gleam. Silence. A desert of unimagined loneliness and emptiness. Drowsily, I sip at my drink and loll on the bench listening to Ville Valo crooning about his latest infatuation. I brush my fringe back from my eyes and try to stop the screams bubbling inside me from reaching the surface.



I wonder when it was that everything started to become so meaningless. The monotony of this senseless journey has reached me long ago, plunging me in a never-ending apathy. It will never be breached. By anyone. I know. But then, do I want it to be?



Yes, I do.



And as that realization breaks into my consiousness, once more, I am engulfed by a wave of loneliness and terror.



A realist to booth. I know that will never happen.

The pointlessness of existence astounds me sometimes. I should be used to it by now, still, looking at the tiny gnats crowding the streets in the morning; the zombies going to school in their uniforms of conformity and boredom, the 'grown ups' lugging imaginary bags of responsability, the housewives with their leashes and chains visible to everyone on their gnarled fingers... how can one not feel so disappointed by everyone`s blindness?



Being the sole creature able to see is not a gift. It doesn`t make me a Goddess. It merely isolates me more. If that is possible.



After all, there isn`t that much difference between a blessing and a curse.

Oh Gods! I got so freaking drunk yesterday!! LOL!



I SWEAR I`LL NEVER GET DRUNK ON RED ABSINTHE MIXED WITH 4 OTHER DIFFERENT DRINKS AGAIN!



HA right, next time I`ll use Black Absinthe!



HAHAHA



And I`m still suffering from after effects! (in case you hadn`t noticed)



Gods, I must really thank a couple of my friends for taking care of me cause I couldn`t even walk unaided...not to mention the things I said and did... it was so embarassing!!! And I am still bloody high too!

Discordant music crashes to the floor and bounces off the walls. I look around, dazed, at the bleating sheep headbanging in the mosh-pit. Ravenous beasts in sheep`s clothing make cow`s eyes at donkeys masquerading as bulls, as an asshole stumbles near me and almost manages to drench me in Guinness.



I blink and sigh, shut my eyes for a second, then open them again just in time to see a girl I haven`t seen for some time cross the mosh pit. I always hated her guts. Oh I have never spoken to her... I don`t need to. One can see her smug whorish bitchiness oozing through every fiber of her body. Her attitude is too much like mine for comfort. I look away irritated. After not having seen her for some months I had thought she had probably found work in some garish bordello out of the country... no such luck.



After a bit of flirty dancing I slump next to the DJ once more and try not to fall asleep on my trenchcoat. The drink I took to stop my head from exploding is producing a sort of hazing up effect where I can see everyone and hear everything in a muted kind of way, as though filtered by a plastic umbrella.



I squint and try not to look for the guy I`m currently convincing myself I have a fnacy for. I know I don`t really like him, but pretending I do helps mitigate the boredom. Sometimes.



The sluttish chit flicks her tongue at a guy and goes over to chat him up. Though I`m wrapped up in the crashing beat, I understand through body language that she`s offering a blow-job. He takes out some money and as things start to get interesting a long-lost 'friend' whom I haven`t seen in a while comes up and starts a conversation. When it finally ends, the cow and the pig are nowhere to be seen.



I wonder what the hell I am doing there, and buy another drink. After headbanging for a bit (... if you can`t beat them, join them)... I feel as if I`m going to throw up and finally decide to leave.



I weave my way to the terminal where I usually get transportation home... as I almost get there, my apathy and hopelessness finally catch up with me and I plunge into a black depression. Another one. After an hour of waiting for the damn van, and another half hour till I get home, I finally fall straight among my blessed sheets and dream the rest of the night away, trying not to think about the pointlessness of life.

I am afraid I will have to delete my account on VR soon. DAMN IT!



It seems Malta is worse than I thought. Some time ago, people from VampireFreaks murdered an underage girl and now authorities from Malta are banning such 'Satanic' sites. Gods I am so ANGRY and FUCKEN IRRITATED!



1) How DARE THEY judge a site before seeing what it`s all about



2) It`s my buisness what I do and no one else`s



3) The server is private and doesn`t belong to the government, so they should`nt have any say on what sites to forbid



4) Even if it was a satanic site, which it isn`t, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FREE COUNTRY, so, technically a person is free to be a Satanist if they so wish... yeah right... a free country... HA!



GODDESS I HATE THIS PLACE!



AND I DON`T WANNA LEAVE VR!



SHIT!!!



However, I don`t believe it really, cause



1) It`s supposed to be a free country



2) With religious tolerance (yeah right)



3) It would be loss of freedom of expression



4) WE ARE NOT LIKE THE MUSLIMS (and authorities make a point of saying that, so I don`t think the`re likely to behave like Al Jazeera!)



5) Servers are private and should have nothing to do with the gov



6) If they were planning on banning sites like vr cause they have satanic tendencies... shouldn`t they ban really satanist sites like www'churchofsatan.com first?



7) AND THEY CANNOT DO THAT CAUSE ONE SHOULD HAVE THE LIBERTY TO BE ANYTHING IN A DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY... AND BEING A SATANIST ISN`T AGAINST THE LAW!!!

My portfolio seems to be stagnating a bit. Probably cause unlike other people, I don`t like putting semi-nude pics of me. So, let`s do a little experiment... I`ll put on some naughty pics of me... and advertise them on the Forum... and let`s see how the rating soars!



Hehe, I hate people who just look at the pics and don`t care about who I really am; you can see that they just care about appearances as they don`t even bother to read the journal. So, if they DO read it, they`ll know that it`s just an experiment to see how many of these people there are, and I`ll know too... if they don`t... well, that`s obvious isn`t it?

This morning DNG told me one of my dearest gals on VR is being forced to leave the site by her parents!!! Now I think I know why they want her to leave, but I am really angry and disappointed about it cause its HER life, and if she doesn`t find it a problem to be here... well, why should they? Argggghhh Goddess I hate the mentality of Maltese parents! You Americans and British can absolutely have no idea how backward certain things are here! BELIEVE ME; NO IDEA!



I am so bloody mad! In fact, because of this same stupid mentality, I had a big fight with my mum last week and ended up shouting on the fucken bus. YES I LOVE MAKING SCENES!!! SO WHAT? I try not to get angry in public, because I am very passionate and when I do, I fall into a rage and start saying awful things. Things which hurt so much because they are true... anyway, when I really loose it I`m an awful bitch, so I try not to.



Well, anyway, to leave off the rant... I will miss you sweetheart; but at least you live in Malta so I will see you in the weekends... plus there`s still GM!

Wow! It`s official! I won a 6 months PM!!! YAY!!!



We did a faboulous contest in Umbrae Octo... it was quite tough actually, and there was a BIG element of fortune in it too... AND I WON!!!



WEEEEEE!!!



:)

I look at you across the crowded room... there you are, light years away from me. Another universe. Will I ever find the way to breach this chasm? Will I ever have the courage? I talk to you and hear only sounds. Depressing thoughts crowd in my head and I have to leave.



A night and a day pass. A night and a day. And still, I`m thinking about it. That unsurmountable wall. The untouched garden I can only glimpse through the bars of the ebony gates.



Until the end of the coming dawn I want to dance with you... in my dreams.

It will happen suddenly and unexpectedly. One day, I will be crossing the road, and suddenly, I`ll jump in front of a rushing truck. And there will it be; a whole lifetime of hopeless dreams and pathetic disillusions splattered on the black concrete. Pieces of brain and grimy flesh squashed under the screeching tires like so many pieces of worthless trash...



Ahhh such a relief, thinking of that day. It comforts me, knowing that someday it will be over and done with.



I cuddle the thought and hold it close to me, toying with it, looking at it one way, then another. And as I hear a soundless muttering coming at me from some bag of skin and flabby putrefaction, I look up, nod, and smile gently... knowing sweet release is always an option...

Sometimes, I look into the mirror and can`t believe what I see. No, let`s be honest, most of the time really.



The problem is that somewhere between the age of 8 and 12 I just stopped growing. Internally I mean. I call it my 'Peter Pan Effect'. It`s like inside I still feel like I`m ten years old; that same sense of looking at the world from the eyes of a child, actually I am really surprised when people at work actually seem to value my opinion. I guess I still have that 'a child should be seen and not heard' ideology, and so can`t really get it into my thick head that I`m an adult now.



*shudder* Gods I hate that word. It connotes responsability and stability... both of which I have absolutely nothing to do with.



Anyway, it happened again this evening. I had just washed my hair and was drying it to the sound of the song I`m currently obsessed with ('6th Gate' - D-Devils), and really suddenly I stopped and stared cause I simply could not get it that the girl in the mirror was me... she seemed too grown up... too happy... too much like some bloody idiot in a posh magazine... too DIFFERENT from what I felt inside... I cannot begin to describe it. She just WAS NOT ME!



Lol, now this sounds fucken` crazy... And I can`t explain it any clearer than that.