The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Am I going off the rave? Perhaps. It`s happened to me in the past that I took a break from the rave for some time, and then re-appeared, so it could be that it is one of those phases. Anyway, many of the friends I have on here have either signed out, or log in at different times from me, and that could be one reason why this is happening.



Be that as it may, right now my pc is fucking up again (more than usual), and I have realized that I keep on buying more and more books and never reading them! So, apart from a couple of friends I can only talk to through MSN, it is hardly worth loggin in any more. Too much hassle. This morning it took me 40 minutes to log on and now the pc is so slow that I can hardly do anything with it! Dammit! How I am starting to hate this machine!



This is wierd, why do we spend all our time researching stuff and chatting online, when we could just go outside and EXPERIENCE life? Spending so many hours every day locked up in a single room, sitting down on a chair, with our faces pressed to the screen - we are missing out on so much! We miss seeing the sun go down and the moon come up, we miss meeting our friends in real life instead of chatting to them from the other end of a wire, we miss feeling the cool breeze on our cheek, the smell of the sea, the warmth of the sun... and all for what? It is like we are living a filtered life; a screened life (lol, terrible pun); a fake life.



Perhaps that is why we like the internet so much. We cannot invest emotions in a machine, and so we do not get hurt and do not hurt others. It is easy and risk-free. It is not exciting or surprising, not wonderous or painful, not exotic or tangible.



But without all these things, is life worth living?

Some things are felt and left unsaid.

Others are unfelt and given voice.

Which hurts the most?



What for some is hypocrisy, for others may be the truth.

What for some is honesty, for others may be superfluous.



Unaware of what we are doing, sometimes we put blinkers if front of our eyes, and we begin to see things clearly only when it is too late. Unfortunately that leads to a lot of suffering.



The only solution is to act when certain of something.



So, in the end I can only be what am. I just cannot change. Maybe I don`t deserve anything.

I am sorry that I hurt you. More than I can say. But belive me, it`s much better like this. For both of us.

http://www.granballo.com



If you peruse the gallery, you may even see a couple of pics of me from last year :-)

Hate is the other facet of love. When you hate a person; really and truly, it means that you are still irrevocably linked to them. Forever. They are still in your heart. You are thinking about them all the time. Whatever you do, you can always hear their voice in your head, criticizing and sneering at you; consciously or unconsciously.



The point is - we cannot kid ourselves by imagining that we no longer care for a person, just because we dislike them intensely, or because we mutter snidely about them behind their backs. The more we do so, the more we ascertain that we DO care.



The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Lately it feels as though life is swiftly trickling away through my fingers. And I honestly don`t have any idea what to do with it. Time is rushing by, and what have I done? What am I doing? What will I ever do that is worthwhile? Nothing. Nothing. And Nothing.



I do not have the will to do anything. No energy. No verve. No aims. Something seems to have gone out of me. When did this happen? It has been more than a year I think. I do not know what brought it on.



Now, I just live. Like an automated robot waiting for its daily ration of oil. I live. Without being alive. Like a prehistoric fly caught in crystallized amber. I float, alone in darkness. Unaware of the light outside my encased mind. Hiding from myself.



It is better this way. Better to blind myself completely and sink my soul in tepid conformity then face the facts. Face the devastating truth that I am really impotent to change my stupid life. That perhaps if I knew what I wanted, I could at least try to achieve it - but I DON`T!

Do you know what it is like to be a ghost? To live in a world where no one sees you and no one cares you are there? Do you know what it is like to be looked upon as inconsistent, unconstant, unimportant, invisible? To go through life unaware of others, unrecognized and unwanted?



Throughout the neverending nights and the harsh cold days I wander. Bereft of thought. Bereft of hope. Certain only of my nothingness. The present is unfelt and unwanted. Detached, I flitter to and fro on the slightes breeze, influenced by the smallest change of the weather. I do not know where this gale is taking me. Unsure and insubstantial, I do not really care.



Life is filtered through a thick mirror of rigid unconcern. Nothing touches me. Nothing can. I pretend normality and interest. It is so easy that I do not even have to make an effort any more. It`s automatic.



Having been asleep for ever, I hardly ever miss not knowing what it means to be awake.



I am living in a world of Phantoms. Animated masks. No one seems really alive. I have a queer notion that if I pricked any of you, there would be no bleeding, but only a gush of wind. And I cannot find the energy to make out what it is that is wrong with you. What is missing. The trouble really is that I cannot see what is missing in myself. What it is that makes me different.



Everything is distorted. Twisted. Wrong. A nightmare of cavorting surfaces and obscene mannerisms. A theatre of puppets and fools. Where mannequins think they are free, and dolls dance a macabre ode to perverted thought.



In this carnival of thwarted hopes and missed opportunities, I let the current take me. It caresses me gently and lifts me up like a dry leaf. Without energy and motivation, I feel formless imaginings and half-known dreams smother me... and sadly sing a lament in this mist of confusion...



as my ghost wanders through the fog.