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Some time ago I was complaining to myself that my life was really boring, and that I`d give anything for something to happen. ANYTHING. In my stupidity I even thought that if something bad happened, it would be better than the blank void I was living in. Well, some time ago things DID start to happen. Unfortunately for me, they were all of them bad things. So, now I have a very busy life where awful things happen all the time. I barely have the time to come online and when I do I feel guilty. I don`t think I`ll renew my PM if things continue this way cause I`m coming online very rarely.



I`m fucken fed up. Lol, that has become my motto lately. FFU galore.

Asked which emotion I feel most of the time, I was not certain whether to say irritation, boredom or depression. The three of them vie for predominance becoming an amalgamation of tension and stress. Anger is an important element as well.



Right now it`s irritation however. *shrugs* Gods I`m fed up.

Last Friday I left home thinking I`d never see it again. I had often thought about what material things I would take with me if something happened (like a natural disaster or something) and I had to leave in a hurry. What happened was much worse than a natural disaster. Anyway, I really surprised myself. I had always thought I was pretty materialistic, but I found that when something really awful happens, material things don`t matter at all. All I took was a small handbag with some things for the night, and a couple of crystals from my collection which have personal importance to me. That`s it.



Perhaps in reality, we are not who we think we are at all.



Again, I have changed a lot after this weekend. Having seen what people are capable of, what I am capable of, has marked me. I seem to be changing a lot lately. Passing from one mold to another. Each time I think that`s it; that I`ve found my shape, so to speak. But I never do. And I don`t think I ever will.



When one stops to change, one stops to live.



Wow, what profound thoughts *smirks*. I`ll have forgotten this entry in less than an hour. This is what I feel in this particular place, at this particular moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.



Don`t set store by it.

Do you know what it`s like - burning from the inside?



What is worse, loosing a chance; or trying, and making a fool of yourself. Till last year, I`d have said the first one. Only now, I`m fed up of looking back and seeing only doors left unopened. So, yes I`ve been trying to reach what I`ve always wanted. Become someone who I knew I wnated to be. In the next weeks, I`ll find out if I am succeeding, or if I was only kidding myself. In either case, I SWEAR that when I know, I`ll just go out and get fucken drunk. Either to celebrate, or as a consolation. I promise I`ll only get drunk.... but I really don`t know what I`ll do if I fail. I guess I`ll go into one of my lunatic moods and end up having it off with somone. Or just go someplace deserted with some bottles of wine and shout myself hoarse.



In case you haven`t noticed... yes I`m quite mad.

Only three days have passed, and yet the life I lived before now seems unreal and far far away. Going out with friends, having fun; all of that has disappeared completely. Gone is that world of dreams and make-believe. You live your own little life, secure in the knowledge that some things will always be certain, and then suddenly something happens. Something awful. And you see everything around you turn to dust. The poeple you thought you knew turn into monsters tearing at their skin. And you stand there. Uncomprehending. Mute as a pillar of salt.



This journal is a travesty. I am a travesty. A million words cannot describe all that has been happening. Tomorrow, I must devise a new and harder mask to deceive the world into believing that all is well. That everything is normal. Well, people see what they want to see, so that shouldn`t be so difficult should it? Not more than usual... only now I feel so much hatred and rage that I don`t have the energy to devise another mask. Though I know I have to do it.



Gods how I HATE him! This bitter rage of agony is eating me inside like a cancer. What is worse; knowing that he doesn`t even FEEL this enormous hatred, that for him I`m only a figure in the sidelines; or having to pretend with outsiders that everything is ok? I haven`t seen my friends for weeks, and perhaps it`s better like this. It will be harder keeping up the masquearade with them, because I love them. In a way.



My life is tearing apart, and still I strive to be the outsider. Someone just looking in. But I cannot. Not completely. Why cannot I be the cold-eyed aloof iceberg? Why must I always be this damn mass of confused nerves and emotions smoldering under a vacant stare of powerless helplessness? Why? Why? Why? DAMN IT ALL.

Gods I can`t stand all this fighting any more. My head is splitting in two. Everthing that could go wrong is going wrong in my life right now. More than usual. It just isn`t fair. And certain people want so much out of you that they might as well suck you dry and leave your carcass to rot in the street.



Yes, I`m in a VERY bad mood. Another lonely weekend inside is looming; I`m ill, so I won`t be going to the hospital I think. And THEY will say I`m lying, and using the ill-thing as an excuse. As if I would! If I needed an excuse I`d devise a much better one. The truth is sadly predictable.



Gods I hate hypocrites. They think everything they do is right, and look down their noses at everything YOU do. I try not to care. Really I do. But some things are really too awful not to feel them.



Must hug the mask on tighter.

Have you ever noticed? We want only those things which are beyond our reach. Which we KNOW are beyond our reach. Once that thing is within our grasp, we don`t want it any more.



Unfortunately, that also happens to me with people. I am always getting interested in someone who for some reason or other is not interested in me. Then, when I see their interest come on full blast, mine disappears and I retreat into routine boredom.



Anyway, my interest is rarely caught by anyone.

I have just passed the most nightmarish night of my life. Gods! I can`t beleive the things I saw and heard. I`ll never be the same again. Worse, it isn`t over. Oh, not at all. Just had an hour to come do some research on the pc for an assignment. My exams start next Wednesday and obviously, in all this mess, I haven`t had the chance to do anything, nor will I be able to. I can`t think straight. Got home at 5:30am and fell straight to sleep.



I didn`t know anything about degredation. Now that I do, I`ll never be the same again. The creature I`m becoming is still in shock.

You look around at all the other zombies trying to make sense out of life. And you just want to shriek out aloud 'Stop it. Searching for equilibrium is senseless. LIFE is senseless. JUST STOP LOOKING AT ME FOR GOD`S SAKE!'



It`s all around, oppression coming stronger. I can feel that it`s time for me to face it - this confusion, anger and hate. But will I be able to stand it?



Repression is a defensive mechanism that I have always used extensively. I have forgotten more than half of my life - and I don`t want to remember it. But I am aware that I must, if I ever want to break free from the voices in my head.



Disjointed images drown my thoughts. I open my eyes, flirt with the guy opposite, and try not to hear. Hopeless. I jump down from my perch and join the freaks in the mosh pit, beating my head against the beat. One of many. Still the voices echo in my head. In my heart. In my soul. Still I hear his voice whispering in my ear.



I retreat to a world of thoughtless motion, where I can`t hear or feel anything, least of all myself. But it`s in vain, because I know that, when I get back home late at night, things I thought I had buried would come back to haunt me.



It`s getting stronger. Coming closer. And the more I feel the breath of those memories on my neck, the more frenetic I become. I hardly know what I am doing now. As the frenezy builds, I hide behind a veneer of normality.

Read another member`s journal yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me laugh so much. Gods, now I feel bitchy... lol. But honestly, how can some people take things like that seriously... can`t they see the ludicruousness of the situation? We need to be able to laugh at ourselves, else everything would be just hopeless.



Lol. It REALLY was funny though ;)



*Bitchy little me is laughing her head off at you...*

Finally, it has happened!



I have snapped out of it.



And about bloody time too!

I know it isn`t fair, but I never said I WAS fair did I? Yesterday, someone said I was a wolf in sheep`s clothing - he was more right than he`ll ever know.



I hold back, seeming to be half-friendly half-shy. Always, always I hold back. With everyone. It`s easier that way. Discovering others` feelings and natures, without revealing my own. I snigger when I look in the mirror sometimes. Thinking of the big difference there is from outside to inside. No one has the least idea who I really am. And I prefer it that way.



Only, sometimes, when I look into the mirror, all I see is a coward, and that makes me hate myself. More than usual.



Writing here is a real relief. No one reads my journal and pushing some of it out is a form of therapy. Of course, I still can`t write about the major things. But it helps nonetheless.



The act I love most is the half-idiot half-innocent kind. The naive exhuberant kitty. Lol. Everyone falls for that one. All my friends call me silly nick names and treat me like a little girl. Little do they know poor souls... hehe



Anyway, sometimes I`m really sick of me. The way I think, behave, look at life... the whole kaboodle. But there`s nothing to do about it.



I am who I am.



Anyone else is just an appendage.

Goddamn it. Why is it that the guys who want to go out with me are either good looking assholes or monstrous friends? Gah! I`m really fed up of it all. Perhaps I`m just one big snob. The problem is, I usually end up going out with the assholes and hurting the nice guys. And honestly I don`t know which one of these I hate most. Shit. Shit. Shit. How I hate that awful question 'Can you give me your number?'. I never know how to say no and keep my aplomb (nice word that), or how to say yes without simpering. I end up either saying no in a rude way (and I hate being rude... being bitchy is different from being rude; the difference is very subtle, but it`s there), or giving them my number out of pure idiocy. And no, I cannot give them a fake cause I always meet them again (Malta is a VERY small place).



Shit. Shit. Shit.



I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

Yesterday I remembered something I had forgotten. Memories of joy and laughter surged within me, and once again, I felt that splurge of devil-may-care I had left behind me when I lost my childhood. I`m not shy to admit it, I danced under the crescent moon, danced flinging my arms wide to embrace the night. It was so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazing to be alive! To have a chance. Hope reared its head once again in my breast, and I smiled, knowing that whatever happened, nothing could take away the memory of that moment.



Today, things are different. Such a little time has passed, and so many things have happened. Yet, I have it still and hold it close to me.



The echo of that joy.

I get really pissed off with all these teenagers who think it`s cool to wear a pentacle and say they are Wiccan when they don`t know a thing about it and are just doing it to be hip. They look you up and down, and when they don`t see a big pentacle, snub you off - as if one needs a badge to show what they are! I am who I am and don`t need to show it through external trappings. It`s the same as asking me if I really am into metal 'because you are not wearing studs and black make-up'. DUH. I DON`T NEED TO WEAR BLACK LIKE SOME PUFFED-UP POSER WHO WANTS TO SHOW OFF HIS BLACK CLOTHES! I am who I am, and I don`t need to wear black to feel me!



Sure, I do wear black most of the time, but that is because I feel like it, not because I want to show other people up or something! What the hell! I hate this mentality that you are dressing in order for people to like what they see - I don`t give a shit for other people - I put on what I like and that`s it. If it`s outdated, not 'mainstream' (whatever THAT means), too faded, or just plain weird, that`s not a problem - and if it`s not a problem for me, why should it be a problem for others?

People say there are different kinds of art. There is painting. There is sculpture. There is poetry. There is prose. Many maintain that the level of one`s art depends on the spirit of the artist and not the medium. That is true - up to a certain extent. But how can a painting, a poem, a sculpture, compare to a song? Music is the sublime venue of feeling. It makes your soul soar to heights hitherto unknown. Each song is felt differently by different people, or even by the same person on different days or moments of their life. It is music which makes us go on, helps us expell what we feel from our system and brings tears, smiles, laughter, enthusiasm, wonder, and all kinds of emotions to the surface.



Lyrics and dance are a part of it, that is true. But it is music - pure music, which is the ulitmate source of fulfillment. That is how I see it.



To be able to sing. Unfettered. Alone. That is to be truly alive. To be oneself. To be free.

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.

Listen to the don'ts.

Listen to the shouldn'ts,

The impossibles, the won'ts.

Listen to the never haves,

Then listen close to me ...

Anything can happen, child.

Anything can be.



~ Shel Silverstein

My cousin, who is also a Wiccan and who has known me well all her life, last week said I was an exact mortal replica of the Hawaiian Goddess Pele. Though I love mythology, I had never before delved into Hawaiian lore, so, curious of my cousin`s affirmation, I am now doing a bit of research on Pele, Goddess of Fire, Volcanoes, Power and Re-birth.



I still have a long way to go. But this is some of what I`ve found on her, and I must admit, that she DOES sound a lot like me.



PELE



Described as "She-Who-Shapes-The-Sacred-Land" in ancient Hawaiian chants, the volcano goddess, Pele, was passionate, volatile, and capricious. In modern times, Pele has become the most visible of all the old gods and goddesses. Dwelling in the craters of the Big Island's Kilauea Volcano, she has been sending ribbons of fiery lava down the mountainside and adding new land around the southeastern shore almost continuously since 1983.



One of the most dramatic goddesses of the Hawaiian mythology, Pele lives in Hawaiian hearts and minds as the supreme personification of volcanic majesty and power. Within the Hawaiian cosmos all natural forces are regarded as life forces, related to humanity by common descent from the same ultimate creative spirits. Possessing the power to create new land, Pele also has a volcanic personality. She is by nature impetuous and lusty, jealous, unpredictable, and capable of sudden fury and great violence. She can also be gentle, loving, and as serene as her forests of ferns and flowering trees. Born in the awe experienced by an ancient people, she still makes her presence felt by those who visit her domain today.







Pele hoewever is not my chosen Aspect of the Goddess. My Lady has always been constant in my life and always will be. Although Pele does, in certain respects, seem like a part of my character, my chosen Aspect is totally and wholly me. Alhtough I am changeable, some things never change.

One for Sorrow

Two for Joy

Three for a Girl

Four for a Boy

Five for Silver

Six for Gold



And Seven for a Secret

NEVER to be Told

Will be starting the part-time job next Monday. It should not be hard, but the pay is a real joke... anyway, I`m doing it more to get out of this damn house than anything else. Although it`s part-time it will be taking up all of my afternoons. Exactly afterwards I`ll have my University course, then I`ll come home and I guess I won`t feel much like coming online. So, VR will be a place to visit first thing in the morning for a couple of hours and not much more. Also, exams are fast approaching... in three weeks time they`ll be here and I haven`t even started studying yet!!! *panics*



*taking a deep breath*... I never can sleep in the two weeks preceding and following exams, so another reason why I`ll be more snappish and fucked up than usual. I`m allready very pissed off because of all the void interviews I`ve been going to lately. Not to mention other reasons...

Gods I love watching the 'Gilmore Girls' series. Togather they are almost as crazy as me! I`ve seen each episode at least three times but I never get tired of it. It makes me feel better, seing someone else who makes so many gaffs and idiotic things. And parts of their characters really match up to mine; I am as irresponsable as Lorelei and yet as bookwormish as Rory. Also their weird little manner of speaking and private way of joking reminds me of the babyish and yet wicked way I think sometimes... lol. I know it is what they call a 'girl' series, but I don`t give a damn. At least for forty minutes each day,when it`s on air, I am sure not to be down.



Off to watch them now.

What a great night! I honestly didn`t think it would be like that. I had more fun than I did these last five Ny`s eves. Of course, things got hazy after 3am - I was really stoned out and can`t clearly recollect what I said to whom... All I remember is people dancing on tables, people vomiting in the bathroom, people disappearing in bedrooms, and people crawling on the floor (I did a bit of crawling myself). It had been ages since I had jumped so much on a sofa... (lol - that sounds awful... but I DID promise to be honest on my journal). Oh yes, I remember asking someone if they wanted a back-rub, and then someone getting a black eye. Then more jumping on sofas.



Now, THAT sounds bad! :)))) lol



But it`s not as bad as it appears... well, not quite.