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I am living in a whirlwind. Just cannot believe this is my life. I cannot remember - when was the last time I was this happy? ... was I ever? I cannot keep this stupid grin off my face, no matter how hard I try. Lol :)



It seems my expectations weren`t so empty and void after all. I haven`t worked and strived for nothing... perhaps. Oh, the journey`s not done yet... still got a long way to go (I have to face the REAL exams after the course). It`s just a beginning, but at least... I DID IT!!!!



I passed my Post-Graduate Diploma in Interpreting; that means in 3 week`s time I`ll be off to Brussels for a 3 week top-up course!!! AND IT`S ALL PAID BY THE EU!!! WOW!!! Flight, 4 star hotel and course! Oh Goddess! Cannot believe this is happening! Not to me!!! In a month, I`ll be at the European Parliament, practicing with other interpreters and actually SEEING (from far away) people like George Bush and Tony Blair!!!!!!!!!!!!



I`m so excited and hyper right now... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DO NOT CARE!!!! I must have looked like a maniac this morning (went shopping for the journey)... grinning like an idiot over nothing... but I think some people sensed something because people I don`t know kept coming over and speaking to me and chatting me up everywhere! In the street, on the bus, in stores! I don`t know what was happening! Did I radiate happiness or what? Lol!!!

Fare thee well my heart. Change is nigh... whether thou wishest it or not. This may be an ending to dreaming, or the beginning of a dream... either way, come Monday, I will never be the same again. My destiny will take a new turn. My heart will either be broken and smashed forever, or uplifted and joyful beyond measure... I am terrified of what may happen... and yet also strangely excited...



Go figure.

So, first of all I`d like to thank Fenris and Kenosis for their help yesterday. I don`t know what I would have done without you. It was simply AWFUL (still feeling repercussions)... but I DO remember not being able to walk and both of you helping me find transport.



Not that I remember much... DAMN IT! All I have are flashes... me flopping on the floor... puking my heart out on those stairs (hihi, I think everyone and his granny must have vomited on those stairs by now... I guess it was my turn this time round)... Fenris and Kenosis dragging me somewhere to find a cab... and dear sweet Chris seeing me home :) *hug*



Thank you so much qabbi!



Goddess I am so embarassed! There are parts I sort of hazily... VERY hazily seem to remember... Chris I am really sorry. I MEAN IT OK? You know of my... ehem... let`s call it 'habit', but I didn`t mean for it to go that far. *blush* Oh dammit!!! I can`t bear to think of all the atrocious comments I`ll get when I meet the others! AAAAAARGH! It`s not fair! I didn`t know what I was doing!!!



Anyway, I SWEAR, I will never ever drink that bloody brand of vodka again... and I`ll never end up on those bloody stairs again either!!!!

So many pieces of me lost in time. Someone I was and who I will never be again... left behind in the meanderings of time. I miss her sometimes; that carefree brazen girl. Flying ponytail and a ready smile. Innocence and boldness combined. Where has she gone I wonder? What about that troubled, romantic and oh so sad teenager? Long fringe, big glasses, surly disposition? Living a double life, without a Masque back then. So helpless, so terrifyed.



And now? Who am I now? Am I still here, beneath a masque of heresy and childish naivete? Put upon, or real, this icy indifference? Greed and carelessness have replaced old ideals. Was cynic knowledge worth the loss of childhood?



Whatever the answer... it is too late now... so might as well not bother thinking about it at all.

Yesterday was the most wonderful BBQ I ever went to. Everything was just great. Unfortunately for me, because of the situation with my parents, I couldn`t end the night as I wanted. Blacksoulangel (she hosted the BBQ) invited us all to go sleep over at her place. At the moment I am at war with my father, so I`m 100% sure they wouldn`t have believed me if I had called them at 3am to tell them I was sleeping at a friends` house :( So I didn`t go, and I really wanted to :( *sigh*, oh well, nothing for it I guess. Anyway... as I said, it was a glorious evening... and the company was super ;-P



And no, I am not gonna say any more... hihi I told you I wouldn`t write about you! So there!

I had promised myself never to bring anyone I knew over to the site... but I just did. I couldn`t help it. He isn`t getting obsessed with it (like me), in fact his pro is still empty and I`ll have to nag him for him to set it up... but I just wanted him here.



Buck up and do that pro Chris!!!





... OR I`LL BITE YOU TO DEATH!!



Hihi ;-P

Yesterday was the VR meet! Finally! I had a bit of a hassle before the meeting cause I had an enormous quarrel with my father (again... we are not on speaking terms right now... Goddess how can anyone be so dense?) plus I lost the bus, then I met with some friends and afterwards there was the meeting. I had a lot of fun and met some interesting people whom I hadn`t known before. Not everyone showed up... we were about 10 and could have been many more. But it was nice. We are also considering meeting at least once a month. It would be worth it. Yendor and MstJuan will be uploading the pics soon I think. So will Blacksoulangel. Yaya!

I look at the blood dripping in the sink and smile, the smell making my flesh tingle. Tiny swirling designs make their way downwards, sinking into oblivion. I am sorry to wash them away, but I must. Blood is considered dirty and unpure by most people. Ignorant of its crimson beauty, failing to see it is a promise of life and passion, not death and darkness... though these are beautiful in their own right too. But that is the stupidity of the masses.



Entangled in a shroud of indifferece, I walk the narrow path between darkness and light, emotional death and atrocious sadness, sweet tears and obscene smiles.



Will it always be like this I ask? And I answer myself... no... it will get worse.



That is all I have to look forward to. Is it such a surprise that I always want to distance myself from life? Escape it`s inconsistencies and cruel dreams which never ever come true? I flee in a world of make believe, even if this hurts me all the more. Corrupted by my innocence, I flounder on the path to internal aloofness... glorying in my own terrible agony.

The warm wind brushes my cheek, as I linger near the sea watching a dove search for food. Embracing my loneliness I wander. Searching for falling leaves, barefoot amongst the twisted petals. I crouch and pick up a small grey feather from the ground. Bedraggled and dirty, yet still beautiful. I want to take it home with me, clean it up, and feel it`s softness against my skin. Yet, I know that if I cleansed it, the feather would loose it`s softness togather with the dirt. Much like me. I go to the railing, wait for a slight breeze, then let the feather go, spiralling into the wind. And as I watch it float into nothingness, I wish I could do the same.



Sighing, I put on my shoes once more, and with them my everyday face. I look at my watch and groan slightly. Then snap back to the crude reality, pick up my bag, and leave the park for work.