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I'm in such a terrible mood this morning. Tired...mentally, physically, emotionally. Can't stop yawning, thinking about returning to my peaceful pre-waking state to escape the post-slumber bullshit.



It is 8 a.m., already to humid to breathe. I'm suffocating in the morning...I'm going back to bed.



So much to study, flashcards to prepare, a week left to go yet I don't feel like doing it anymore. Wrods make my eyes cross....why am I still awake?



My pillow is calling my name......and it is too much for me to fight....I'm a whore for my bed, my blankets favorite slut......at at this very moment I'm a slap happy nut.



I'm rhyming like an idiot which is a sign of a compromised mentality so it is off for a rare morning nap and more of senility in words to come later.

I'm winding down my quarter, and am so thankful. I'm heading out today for a cram in Microbiology which has by far been my favortie class....so far I have an A and I am hoping to keep it...............I am such a science geek.



Having worked my way up from the feet, I am at the knees of the future staring straight into the ass crack. It is usually said "it's all downhill from here" but that would be to easy to tuck and roll letting gravity take over. The greater powers that be made mine up hill at a 90 degree angle, barefoot over sharp rocks and broken glass with a thousand foot drop on either side and for mental support they gave me a parachute in case I fall, however it is made of swiss cheese and dreams. Sometimes I feel likes there are no more emotions that I haven't experienced and it is no longer worth feeling anything anymore. Other times.....I can't wait to become un-numb.



I met a new friend. Wonderful....amazing....creative...with a sould on fire and a mentality to spark jealousy. Angelus.....I promise to read it all...as soon as I get through FINALS!



I've met some other wonderful friends from the coven I will become a member soon....I hope to get to know you all better in the upcoming future.



Well I got a busy couple of days ahead, 4 kids to get to school, a car to pack, and what seems like a million miles to drive. I will be back around sometime Wednesday afternoon.



Sorry this isn't the most amazing and captivating journal entry ever, but if its all the same to you, it felt good just to write something down.

I speak for me



I speak for peace



I speak for acceptance



I speak for willingness



Yet I do not speak for forgiveness



I shall be true to myself...



I will not cheat myself, change myself, to fit the mold of a society...



I will not starve to become the model of beauty...



I will not twist that of who I am into the knot of perfection they wish me to be.



I would much prefer to remain on the outside looking in, then to be trapped behind the glass looking out



I am what I am, who I am, and how I am.



You cannot cheat reality, you can only skew it temporarily



I will not go through life starving myself for happiness when it is the things I am starving myself of that makes me truly happy



I have nothing to prove.



I am shameless in myself.



I have so much to offer, yet so little to spare.



I want to be part of a society which sees past the bullshit that clouds the eyes, striaght into the soul that brings life to the body.

I love to write, even when it is meaningless. It is my outlet to ramble on and on and on without getting hoarse. I thought I would write about my favortie subject....me.



Just odds and ends nothing to special. So here we go....



Sylvia Browne once told me that in a past life I was a peasant in love with a King I could never marry, then I moved on to be a victorian lady married to someone I did not love...my past lives were depressing. I then decided instead of wasting days of my life I can't get back kissing frogs, I was going to kiss princes till I found one that didn't turn into a frog....and I did....however, after a few months of kissing he did turn into an ass, but atleast I had a way to get to work if my car broke down.........



I love to look out my window and see a sea of yellow dandielions in my yard, they are the most beautiful of weeds....roses are my favorite flowers, but I'm terribly allergic to them.



I'm a bit of a prissy tomboy, I was the little girl with the purse and lipstick with weeds in her hair. On the weekends I am home, I catch frogs and snakes in the pond in the backyard with my daughters. I love to get dirty, tearing down engines is one of the greatest guilty pleasures I have....I just don't know how to put them back together without leftover parts.



I love the smell of skunks, not the fresh spray make you gag smell, but the slowly fading wafty smell.



I draw butterflies, and as much as I would like to post some of my work, I struggle to resize photos let alone anything bigger. It's sad I know.



I am painfully outgoing, yet terribly shy in a group larger than 3. Some call me crowd favorite as my way of making myself comfortable is to entertain. My wit is faster than the speed of light, yet sometimes I am dumber than a box of air.



I once lost my bestfriend for 14 years, yet the moment we sat down for dinner it was if we hadn't missed a day *Love you Jackie*. She is now my sister, and surrogate mother to my children as she is unable to have her own so we share. She makes me laugh, she breaks my heart, and I couldn't imagine my life without her.



I have one sister by birth, we spent our lives fighting, and now we are almost inseperable, not a day goes by we don't talk on the phone. It was well worth the scars.



I have four daughters. 12, 8, and two 6 year olds. The youngest aren't twins, but people call them step-twins. Unfortunately, they are all too beautiful to let out of the closet, so we feed them through a slot in the floor.



I have two dogs...a male shephard/husky mix "Charlie" and a female black/tan miniature dauchshund "Beans". No we aren't breeding them! If you are wondering, we named the female beans because we are getting a male and naming him Frank so we will have Frank and Beans.



My surrogate parents live in my backyard....for real. Not in a tent though, they have a trailer across the pond. Everyone I know lives atleast an hour away so I'm sort of a lonely transplant.



I get my verbal diahrrhea from my mom, the only difference is she doesn't have the sense to think about the consequences of what she says before she says it, and I am more of the type that tries not to hurt or offend others though there are times when you truly just have to say what needs to be said.



My husband is an electrician for a machining company. He is a nerd, and that is SO HOT! He is a math genius and I am a math idiot. We are absolutely and totally opposite as I am a social butterfly who loves to flutter around with friends and he is a total homebody who doesn't have any friends. Better for me though, as I am his world and everything in it....occasionally I get a nosebleed on this pedestal but then I take the stuffing out of my bra and wipe it up and I am fine....I don't really stuff my bra....this rack is 100% natural made by icecream and oreos.....



I'm not a supermodel, not skinny by far. I'm 5'11" 180 size 14 and lovin it.....3 kids, natural birth.........I EARNED IT!



The best thing I ever did in life is learn to love myself. It's amazing how happy you can be when you no longer have to worry about what other people think.



I love people, I'm not judgemental. All shapes, all colors, all sizes...they can speak in any language...it doesn't matter. I think everyone deserves a chance to show you what they are made of. But show me your made of shit and I will treat you like it, same with being a bitch don't act like one if you don't expect to be treated like one. Don't get me wrong, I am bitchy, and I love bitchy people, but you don't have to be rude, hurtful or degrading to others.



A girl once made a comment about me within hearing range "Look at her, fat girls always have pretty hair." I turned around, smiled at her and said thank you, then I reached into my purse and grabbed a pack of crackers and handed to her and said "Here, you look hungry."



I love life. I regret nothing. Every experience I have had in these 32 years has been amazing. Even the bads ones have given me something to take with me and cherish...lessons are there for learning, ignorance is not bliss.



Well....I'm by far not finished....but I do have things to do today that warrant my butt not in this chair in front of this computer. I hope you have enjoyed this rant...and promise there will be more to come.

For all of you who seem to hate on the darker lost souls who speak of suicide and destruction, I'm not suicidal so fear not...I cannot be gotten rid of so easily. If not for my kids, my husband, my two dogs, my bestfriend (Devanna), butterflies, kittens, flowers, moonlit walks, the smell of rain, the taste of accomplishment, pretty girls, and the fact that I love cookies....I may have changed my mind. But to those of you and you, and know who you are....Give them a break. Everyone feels things differently and if the way they deal with it is to see it through darkness and gloom...so be it. I would not advise suicide, nor would I myself choose it as an option to escape the woes of life, but I would be the first one to step forward and hold the hand of a friend who wanted to go if I thought truly that it was their wish and they were in the right mind to make the decision. No one is perfect, we all deserve the same respect that we expect from others. I am dark on one side and a rainbow on the other. Often referred to as morbidly sunny, moderately strange, and downright distgusting at times, yet I wouldn't change who or what I am for the world. I'm artistic....and we know that us artists are overemotional and strive on skewed views and opinions of the world. Our moods go from go to awful, our minds race with babbling nonscence mixed with shear genius and we can express ourselves in all facets whether it be color, craft, or words. I'm rambling, yes, but my point is if you don't like it stop reading after the first line. If you don't want them to whine to you, don't offer yourself to them. Maybe it isn't what you want, but I can guarantee there is a slew of others on here who are willing so don't discourage them, let them be who they are...because you wouldn't want someone you don't know to try to step into your world and change you.

I'm beginning to feel as if I have sold my soul to the higher education system for 50K a year. Currently in school, and sapped of all willpower to live....I'm in finals week or Hell week some call it and let me tell you, I would prefer a vacation in the warm steamy depths of hell to a Microbiology final or Lab Practicals. If anyone reading this has been through college and has any hints to pass on as of how to cope with my overwhelming anxiety please do send.



Till then I will medicate myself with Ben and Jerry's and cookies so please help me before I can no longer rise from the couch.

I am as dusk, come to ravish the light

Steal me from their stares and hide me amongst the shadows in the night

I will answer thy prayers, if ony thou wouldst drink of my life...