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Sick of being a secret. So tired of having to hide who I am to the world. I feel like Im gay and having to come out of the closet but thats not the case, Im in the closet for other reasons. Its almost like I was never meant to be seen. If i was then why have I spent my last two serious relationships having to hide from everyone. I cant call when i want or ever need to, cant visit, cant even have the real myspace page.



There are just so many things running through my head that I cant seem to sort out. I have only a handfull of people that i can trust with this information and the one that i want to go to...well at this point in time i cant.



I cant stay around and watch you become a bitter man towards everything. I cant bear the thought of being without you but i cant bear the thought of having you in my life and then not being able to have you at the same time. I would not be writing this if i did not want have something with you. I told you a long time ago that i will never bullshit you. Well this is as serious as it gets. I also told you that i am all or nothing. What does that mean to you? That means to me that when i told you that I was falling head over heels for you then i meant every single word that came out of my mouth.



I dont want to sit around and watch you screw up your life be being unhappy. You will be miserable and i know that you dont deserve that. You are better than that. I have told you that so many times. Im starting to feel like im wasting my breathe.



Im not going to stay a secret for the rest of my life. I deserve better than that. I cant stick around and watch you get lead around like a puppet by someone who treats you that way. Being completely blunt about it. grow some balls and tell her where she can shove it. Fuck it.



Theres no easy way out. Theres no having your cake and eating it too. That shit never happens in real life. Lifes a bitch, we will always have hard decisions to make. Im not asking for an immediate answer but I am saying that ive given you time. Theres only so much more that i can take before i crack. Someone has to get some priorities in line and i know what i want for my life. What do you want in yours? Theres no time like the present and if your waiting on a simple solution then just keep on suffering because things like that only happen in movies.



I will not apologize for what I have said in this letter, because i have done or said nothing wrong. i am simply putting my feelings out there. I may be blunt though some say its being a bitch. Call it what you may but I call it who I am. I sugarcoat nothing.



I am just sick of being a dirty little secret because you know as well as i do even the toughest stains all come out in the wash.

have you ever wondered if you are doing the right or wrong thing? just like well...you are so scared if your doing the wrong thing that it will of course bite you in the ass. but if you are doing the right thing then it will be a life changing event and you will love every minute of it?

have you ever been so scared that you get sick when you think about the decisions that you are making?

concerned about peoples wellbeings and if their life is going good.

sometimes i wonder if i should care this much. i know what im going and i knew from the beginning....it terrifies me.

what if im left alone and the end of this rollercoaster? what if i am then back at square one crying and alone? what if nothing turns out the way that it should? but well everything has taken an unexpected turn so far in a good way. but what if shit goes sour?

what do i do then? ill be just another lonely stupid fucking girl that had her heart fucked once again......



i care way too much and well it scares me. i havent cared like this in years. i didnt even care this much for someone else....i was with him a long ass time....

im having all these feelings surface and well i believe that other person does too...

only thing is....what if i have to live my life hiding behind his shadow and not be able to come to light?

i had to do that with taylor for 7 years.....i had to hide constantly. i was never allowed to be seen or known that i was around. i felt like a dirty little secret and well here i am in the same damn boat as last time. only this time i actually like the person as a person.....

the only thing for me to do is ride the ride. dammit..like a friend always told me...."you bought the ticket now take the ride."

so thats where i am right now...aint it great?



maybe this is why im getting to feeling this way....

ive been so down and out lately and well i think this may be it.

if nothing changes in a year then im pretty sure that it wont.

ill give it a year of i can take it that long and if nothing changes and i have to hide and be a secret....i wont be able to take it. we will have to come to some kind of agreement....



im sick of hiding...i hate it. i always have...i did it for years. i dont want to do it.

why would something this wonderful and amazing come into my life and be there...then i cant even have it.

its like putting a pile of money in a glass case and not be able to break the glass to get the money....

its fucking tempting and heartaching when you cant have it and knowing that its right there...

maybe this is enough for right now. if i feel like letting more go i'll write more later....i dunno....someone help me.