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Loki bought me a ring today. :)



Its gorgeous. It has diamonds surrounded by EMERALDS. (my fav)



And it's freakin HUGE. :)))))))



I certainly wasn't expecting this. But I'm happy :)

Starting a new life surely is NOT the easiest of things to do.



We look for a place for rent....there is nothing, and rent is too high for even a shitty place.



So Loki and I have decided to "buy" a home.



Thats a big fucking commitment. And we haven't even been together for a year yet. (only 7 months)



I'm still not sure how this will hold up, but its a possibility.



But between now and then...life most definately is not peaches and cream, theres always some kind of bump in the road, some kind of obsticle.

Once again I found myself caught up in another in depth convo with my close friend GP.



It threw me for a loop into my deep thought process. Heres my thought.



GPSF12: There is something so stagnant and unpersonal yet "personal" about IM's...LOL



He is so right chatting online can not only be personal but stagnant. Its soo easy for someone to find someone else who they can call a friend. Its soo easy to "open up" and tell their life story to.



It is also very easy for someone to create this other personna of themselves and "sell" it as who or what they are, the sell one thing that is far from what they truely are. Hence the "stagnant" part.



Theres a personal spot inside of everyone..like a deep hole. You may know someone very well, but theres always that hole in them that is much deeper than you can reach into and grasp the concept of.



Which brings me to my main points:



* Many people decided to give a false personna, I'd assume for personal reasons. Weather to boost self confidence, or to "fit in" with the standards of society regardless of on or off line.





* Wolven. I haven't much of a life, so I feel no need to put on a false personna. I already know that I am far..far far from fitting into any standards of society, I have already come to terms with that. I have my self conscienceness, but its something thats deeper inside of me than I will ever let anyone else grasp.

I have no need, nor any want to "boost" that either...because I love to bask in misery for a long time.

I am who I am, what I am. I have come to terms with that as well. I accept me. I have no reason to hide, or make false claims. Regardless if I am online or offline. I am still one in the same, and I refuse to change that.



Now, there are alot of things that alot of people do not know about me. I do not share simply because I never get to close to people..both online and offline.



But, all in all, I feel no need to hide, either way. I'm not an open book. But rarely does falseness roll from my tongue. And in the rare case that it does...its usually only to protect someone.



I just dont understand why people feel the need to constantly give off a false personna, especially online. Its not like it will ever make them any better. Even with that falseness, deep inside they are still the same. And if they are fake and ugly on the inside, no amount of lying about it will change that fact, and eventually the truth will be noticeable.

I absolutely MUST pay homage to Gothpunkstarfighter12's september journal entry in stories of the year.



It is one of the absolute funniest journals I have read.

I have never knew how someone could possibly be soo damn ignorant. And NO I am not talking about GPSF himself, but rather who the journal entry is about.



*looks down and shakes head* some people are so pitiful.



And calling the awesome members of Darkness Incarnate..wannabes. Well, I could say alot about that but I wont. At least we act together, and we are all good, honest people.

Everyone that knows me well enough always tells me "You think toooo much"

Thats true. I really do.



I wish there was a way to block the thought process for at least an hour each day. That hour alone would bring soo much peace.

If I stopped thinking for one hour straight, or hell, even 2 minutes straight, I would swear I was dead.



The memories of my past, from childhood to now is always present in my mind. My life haunts me. I haunt myself, if that makes any sense.



To other people who observe me, it seems as if I'm soo far away in a mental state, they never know if I'm paying any attention to the current surroundings or not. In which case, I'm usually not.



I'm never "here in the moment" but I'm always caught up in my past. The things I've done, the people I've known, all my wrongs that I can never make right. These memories are NEVER pleasant.



All the wrongs that I have done, I can never make right. That in itself also haunts me.



Some people claim that they never regret their life. That would be a blessing. Some people regret only a few things in their life...that as well would be a blessing.



I regret my entire past.So much so, that I damn near regret my present and my future.



All the things that I should have done but didn't do. All the things that I did, and I shouldn't have.



Every little bit of it, at every given angle and perspective that I can think of..replays in my head like a movie that will never end.



Each mean word ever said to me. Each person who was shitty to me.

Every situation that I stood there and took shit from people and kept my mouth shut.

School years full of that bullshit.

Everytime I've walked into any public place and was glanced at like I was a walking plague.

Every person who has wronged me in some way or another, every person who had the balls to judge me without getting to know who I was..their face replays in my mind.

Those people plague me.



Its not that I can't let go of my past and move on..trust me when I say I would if only I could. But it is literally impossible.



Words not only cut like a knife, but they stick to the soul, to be carried by you until the end of your days. And my luck, even in the grave, those words would replay in my mind.



Luckily, all the negative from everyone in my past, has not changed me. I am still who I am, but NOT who I once was.

What hurt me like hell, has thus made me stronger, not only mentally but physically as well.



There was a time, when I was the person I used to be, where I would stand back and get walked on in every which way possible, and I just stood there, never moving an inch, always wishing I was invisible. 98% of my life I wished that the earth would open up and swallow me whole, when standing in front of someone who judged me. It never did. My wish never came true.



That cowardness has grown into anger. And so much anger has grown into rage. This rage I will not deny. This rage provokes me to do, yet again, things I will later regret..and sometimes, if I'm lucky, may never regret. Like stopping someone in the middle of judging me, drawing their blood and enjoying every moment of it...that I will never regret.



The harshness of school years, the stress from an uptight religious family life, From adoption and family never wanting me, from one shitty relationship to another...one cheating prick boyfriend to the next. The loss of pets more valuable than humans, Death after death after death. A death in my arms, a death inside me, From one drug to the next, one fix after another and another and another and another and another, one more needle in your vein, and one more after that, and another after that, more death, rape, torture,One drink too many, one song too less, a million tears that fall like rain And pain pain pain pian pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain, and one less friend..always one less till there is no more.

everything all boiled together...this has produced me..Wolven.

Not from sheer enjoyment of the 4 legged furry animal, nor just a few similar traits.... but to live it is to be it in the fullest form and farther out from the human mind than imaginable.



If the eyes are the window to the soul, then what is it that my eyes are? Far from a window and more cloudy than the storm filled sky at twilight with no moon to shine.



The mind is a never ending vicious cycle.



Today is always tomorrow, Tomorrow never comes, and the past is always the present, forever sticking with you.

Well I can honestly say that I have finally had one of my rare unusual "einstein" moments tonight.



So, I'm sitting on our backyard dock, fucking around...fishing, throwing catfood to the ducks and so on, just wasting time and enjoying the night.



I decided to throw out the castnet an see what I can do. (NOTE: I have not done any casting in a few years...I'm old moldy and rusted with it)



So I grab it up, tie off to my wrist, put one end in my mouth and spread out the other end.



(All is going well so far...untill I throw it.)



I completely forgot I have a facial piercing...mainly, one in my damn lip.



Soooo I toss the net out...and it pretty much took my head along with it.



The net got caught on my labret piercing, and damn near ripped it right out of my lip, and I almost took an unplanned swim tonight.



I just stood there for a few moments with the net hangin from my piercing, and the bottom of the net swinging around in the water, looking at it like "duuuuhhhhh" it took a few moments for me to actually comprehend what the fuck my stupid ass did.



Hahaha it actually was kinda funny. I'm soo glad no one was out there...especially with a camera lmfao.



It's now to an annoying stage. it dont hurt, just irritated and annoying the fuck out of me.



Well, when I say "I'm OK" thats more of a physical sense of speaking than a mental sense hahah.



And now I finally have a newly updated fising story of my own hah

Here's a copy of one of my newest comments.

This simply put a smile on my face. :)











Rating: 10



ProfileComment:



This is truly amazing. You are one of the most complex persons I have yet read. This took a lot of talent and I heartily applaud you.

Now tell me, is my impression that your

good side is definitely one people want to stay on correct? I do not think I would ever knowingly engage in a power struggle with someone this deep. Thank you for open sharing and being true to yourself.

Date: 15:20:05 - Oct 12 2006





Portfolio Comment:



Rating: 10

Comment: Well let me see, Cajun Princess,

California Girl, Cool Chesire Cat,

Devoted Mom, Super Model pretty,

and the loveliest eyes I have seen in a long long time. This was a brilliant ,

thoughful, and fun portfolio. Thank you so much for sharing a Wonderful

Life.



*Blushes*

Well I go to another Doc tomorrow for and MRI. :/



Im so not looking foreward to it. Regardles if they find anything or not.. I have a ton of doubts that it wouldnt even be worth the trip to this hospital..



Its simple: I'm BROKEN. Too many cracks and shattered to many times, can't glue me back together..glue doesnt work on this surface.



I've lost all hope.







OK... MRI APPOINTMENT GOT CHANGED. I'M NOT LOOKING FOREWARD TO IT..BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DONE. IM READY TO GET IT OVER WITH AND THIS WAITING IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

I'm in the process of homeshopping right now. This isn't going all that great..and its only stressin me out more. I really really dont have the patience for this shit.



And as always everyone keeps reminding me of every little thing Im doing wrong, or correcting me on how to go about life and yadda yadda fuckity fuck fuck blahhhhhhh!



And Loki tells me "it'll all be fine no worries"



:/ *bangs head into table*

I'm back on the same damn schedual that I have been on for the last 8 years of my life.

Up all night sleep all day. Well sort of.



I broke myself out of this schedual for Loki, I was asleep at 10 pm with him and up at 5 am with him. And that lasted a little while.





Well now that we're back here in La, I'm up all night again, but this time Im not sleeping all day either... I'm lucky if I get 5 hours every morning.



I make sure to wait for him to get up, then I make him some sandwiches and pack his lunch for him and see him off to work...then I pass out for 5 hours and cant stay asleep any longer than 5 hours.



I cant figure out why but something keeps waking me up. I have half a mind to think its all the pain that I am in because of my injury. But whatever the cause its pissing me off.

Then again it could be all the stress I've had weighing me down lately. More so than the average daily dose. -Make that about 30 doses.



I have not been in a lovely mood lately. The world could dissappear and I wouldn't care less at this point.





I need more sleep. Less drama. Less sunlight, and a fuckofalot less stress.

After my last doc visit, I finally tried those 88MG pain pills he gave me... I took one at a time...it hasnt done shit to help the pain. That only pisses me off more. The sleeping pills sucked..didnt do shit either.



I don't think one month is long enough for me to calm down before I see the doc again. Right now Im tempted to throw these more than half full pill bottles at his head then continue to beat the crap out of him for being such a prick.

And this anger only builds more and more each day.

Im in more pain and I'm more pissed off from it. So needless to say my family is NOT enjoying me much these days.



I will give this FUCKTARD doc one more shot to get it right...if not hell for him will freeze over when i step in his office.

Well, I went to the docs today...that, as always, wasnt a very pleasant trip for me.



Seems lately I never get along with ANY doctors...ever.



Anyhoo, They ended up taking a shitload of blood, that was fun watching it squirt into the tubes...heheh



They ran a test on my heart...the reading didn't come out to good.........owell.





Then they sent me in for like 4 or 5 different ultrasounds (one on my heart, thyroid, abdomen, shoulder, and something else.)-shows how much I pay attention.



Ummm I'm schedualed for the 13th of this month to go get an MRI done on my shoulder and see how badly the muscle is fucked up (from getting hit by the vehicle, and tearing the fuck out of it all the time)



They were checking for authritis and other stuff too.



Next month I should be getting today's results in :/ geee I cant wait to see how bad I am fucked up internally.



But, they referred me to a good psychologist (like I havent seen enough of those already) and whatever else.



and blah blah blah.



Good news is they gave me like 800 MG pain pills for my shoulder... I can't wait to try that..

I'd be completely amazed if this shit actually works. I have many many doubts. ahhh



I'm like, "Pain On Legs" heh owell.

I'm so very proud of my Loki.

He has finally accomplished the "career" job that he has been wanting.



We left Cali so he could be here in Louisiana and become and "ironworker"



We had a good bit of run-arounds, but he was persistant enough to chase this job.. and now he finally has it.



He was accepted into the ironworkers union recently with the starting pay of a hell of alot more money per hour than he had origionally expected.



Soon, Oct 4th he starts his first day on the job. He will be working 12 hours a day, for 7 days a week for anywhere between 4 and 6 weeks.



Thats not too bad at all.



Sooo all in all.... he left Cali with high hopes... and has now got what he wanted plus much better pay than he expected.



He has done well so far and I am soo very proud of him. I have been here to support him 100% and that is what I will continue to do.



Loki has a ton of drive, motivation and determination. He does what is necessary, when necessary, and he is a DAMN GOOD MAN.



I'm sooo very lucky.



And soon enough.. we'll have everything we set out to have... a LIFE.. and a damn good one at that.



:)

only a few more days till my Birthday on the 7th :/



gaaaawdamnit Im gettin old. :((



This B-day is gonna SUUUCK. I just know it.



I have my phone bill due the day after my B-day...blahhhhh



and Loki will proberbly be working a 12 hour day



*sniff sniff* owell fuck it! lol







I want I want I want:



a pony!

and and and



my 2 front teeth

and



a partridge in a pear tree



and and

puppies and cotton candy and

ride a tilt-a-whirl



and swimming and a 4 leaf clover

and the pot at the end of the rainbow



and and and I want hearts and cutsie little thingies for my bday!!!





*pukes*