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Hey doc.



*Spenser...what a surprise. Please, sit down. You are smiling, that is a good sign.



Yes, I am. Feel good. Feel very good.



*Good. Did revenge work out for you then?



Yes, but not like I hoped. But I do believe it was meant to be that way.



*That is great, isn't it?



I suppose.



*So, who has got you smiling like a fool?



No one!



*Don't lie. I see right threw them.



Well...



*Well...? Go on man.



I'll tell you one thing doc.



*What is that?



She is amazing.



*Amazing?



Yeah...

*So, you okay Spenser? I didn't expect to see you again.



Doc, I'm fine. I just came to tell you something.



*What is that?



Revenge is bitter sweet...

COMMENTS

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newlyawaken
17:54 May 23 2009

what did you do??? and dont lie to me...

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*Let us be frank. For once let us be honest. What do you say Spenser? You ready to go down the rabbit hole?



*Yes? Are you sure?



*Very well.



*So tell me about why you feel like breaking the rest of your right hand. Tell me why you want to beat the wall until there is nothing left standing. Tell me, go on.



...I want to feel nothing. I want to stop this pain. I want to destroy.



*Why do you want to destroy?



I want her to feel how badly I'm hurting.



*A woman? She is the source of your pain? You must be joking.



Do I look like I'm joking doc? You better listen doc. And listen well. You got it?



*...Yes. Go on then.



She broke me down at the worst possible time. She broke me when I needed her most. Now, all my oldest closest friends are gone.



*What do you mean, gone?



My three brothers, my best friends...two are in prison. One will die there. The other is more lost than me. They are all gone.



...



I've burned bridges defending others, standing beside others. Now, my best friend, my lover is gone. She abandoned me. Now, I'm the bad guy.



*I'm sure that isn't the case Spenser. Tell me about you two. What caused this last friendship to fall to the wayside?



I only wanted to understand her. That's all. I just wanted her to communicate with me, open up to me. She refused. She shut me out and after awhile I grew desperate. I tried to control her, manipulate her into opening up to me...



*Yes, go on.



...then we fought. And we were mean, we pushed each other. But I was changing, I really was. I was getting better.



*But was she. And more importantly, did she want to?



Why wouldn't she? She said she loved me, wanted to marry me and have my children. We we're best friends, don't you get that?



*Yes. But, was she willing to do the work?



Shut up you bastard. Just shut your mouth. You don't know anything about her.



*Spenser, you must understand, people change their minds, people leave us and sometimes-



You know nothing! Everyone has left me! Everyone! They all fucking leave! They all abandon me! They lied to me, all of them.



*Spenser, take it easy.



Fuck you! You don't know what its like having people tell you they love you and then they leave you and move on! You don't fucking know man!



...



She just turned it off, like nothing happened you know? She just kept living, like nothing happened man. I don't understand. How can they do this? How? I tried my best, my hardest. I treated her good. If you wrote all the good and bad down on paper the good would outweigh the bad man. I mean, we have always been there for each other. Now, its like I don't even exist. Like all of our history was a lie, a fake...a dream.



*Spenser come, sit back in your chair. Gain your composure. Do you need a tissue?



I don't know what is happening man. My step-dad of 11 years just left a few months ago. Another one just leaves. How doc? You tell me how?



*Spenser, things like this happen. It's a part of life. Things change, people leave us. It's hard.



Doc, I miss her man. I love her still even though I can't stand the thought of her. She is everywhere man.



*Have you talked to her?



No. She doesn't care doc. She has moved on, like you said. She knows I broke my knuckle. She didn't even see how I was doing. I did well in school despite all this. No congrats. She doesn't care doc. I'm just another memory in her fucking life.



*Come now Spenser, I'm sure you are more than that. I mean, you were friends you said for...6 years?



Yes.



*That's a lot of history to forget. She still cares about you. She just doesn't know right now what to do about it all.



I know what I'm going to do doc.



*What's that?



I'm leaving your office. I'm not coming back.



*Spenser, wait.



No doc. There is a chill outside and the shadows are dancing and waiting for a partner. It is time I joined them.



*Spenser?



Yeah doc?



*Just remember people love you and care about you. Even she does. She wants to see you happy and successful, just like you do deep down underneath all your hate. Love her if you can, hate her if you must. Just realize someone loves you...someone cares. Alright?



Goodbye doc.



-Spenser left to go back home to a waiting bottle of poison also known as hard liquor. He was cold on the inside, but the outside burned with intensity. He wished he could call her...his friend.



He really wished she didn't turn her phone off at night. But what could she do? She lived in the north. She could do more for him than he realized.



So much more...to bad it goes straight to voice mail.

What can I say? I'm up late again, going to sleep terrible and going to wake up early. I am at a very interesting place right now as I type this. I'll be brief.



I'm angry still about all the things that have happened to me these past 6 months. I'm saddened by all that was lost along the way. I've lost pieces of me that have still yet to be filled. I still feel broken in some ways, still empty in some ways. Missing what I don't have and knowing more and more as time goes on that I may never get it back. May never hear it, smell it, see it, feel it or taste it. It is gone. But, I will move on from all of this. I have too. And I am. I have no control over any of it. If it is meant to come back to me, it will. If not, I will make due with what I have gained and found in all this bullshit.



I have questions unanswered that may never be answered. The losses have been hard, but I can get over that. But the unanswered questions...those are the ghosts that haunt me in my dreams.



One day, I hope they will be answered.



Goodnight,

Maell

How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

I do not understand,

Who could beat her with their hands.



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

I can not comprehend,

Who would bring about her end.



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

I try to reason,

All her dark seasons.



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

How could they defile,

One who's eyes are like the Nile.



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

Her pearly skin,

Would make a grown man sin.



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

Why would she try,

To end her life and wish to die?



How could that beautiful rose?

Be in a thicket of thorns?

I will not allow it,

I will not ever allow it.



Come to me beautiful rose,

Out of that thicket of thorns,

Let me hold you close,

Let me keep you close.



No longer a Rose in a Thicket of Thorns.

COMMENTS

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newlyawaken
16:03 May 17 2009

beautiful...

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Cause it's all in my head,

The things you said,

I can see you,

I can feel you.



I know your hurting,

I know your crying,

I wish I was there,

To catch your tears.



I know it's hard,

Finding you,

I know it's hard,

Fixing you,

But I want you to know now,

To know right now,

I hear you calling,

I know you are falling.



I will catch you,

And hold you,

Close to my chest,

Wish you the best.



I want you to smile,

Just for awhile,

Be blessed and found,

Blessed and found.



I know it's hard,

Finding you,

I know it's hard,

Fixing you,

But I want you to know now,

To know right now,

I hear you calling,

I know you are falling.



I am right there,

I do care,

I am beside you,

I love you.



So much I am,

Willing to damn,

Any future,

Between us.



I know it's hard,

Finding you,

I know it's hard,

Fixing you,

But I want you to know now,

To know right now,

I hear you calling,

I know you are falling.



I am with you,

Always,

I am with you,

Til the end of my days.

COMMENTS

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AzriellaRipley
14:10 May 11 2009

So sweet, whomever inspired this is lucky to know you, very touching!!! A fav.

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newlyawaken
13:10 May 13 2009

awww..this is so sweet

:)

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