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2010. Day 1.



I'm looking for trouble. Looking to spill my blood again. I walk under black skies and the crows circle above me can smell the blood before it spills. I think after what happened a few nights earlier, everyone knew I was looking for something violent.



The wind blew occasionally, whipping back my coat. The wind blew over a landscape of sand and dust, which was a testament to my mood and the world. We had fucked this world and ourselves in so many ways that even the new kinky stuff wouldn't hold any man looking for kicks gaze for longer than a second. Yes, I have been fucked with. But I'm still standing, looking to dish out pain and to take in more of its pleasure.



The sand blew in my eyes. My eyes watered. I wish the same could be said for my mouth. It had been a few days since I had had a decent drink of water. Maybe at the next pit, the next gathering of violent people, I could get a glass or two.



The scar on my head slanted downwards over my right eye. My head had been opened up a few months back. The first spilling of blood. It made me smile, that I could bleed. I loved it. I relished it. I wanted to feel the flow of hot red liquid down my face again. Call me crazy, but I liked the pain it brought.



Before I left, they said I had a death wish. A pain fetish. You could call it that. But what I was looking for was something deeper. Sinister. And it all started with her and the many that followed. I guess eventually, you lose yourself. I guess eventually, you get pushed over the edge. I guess in the end, you hate what you see in the mirror.



Another pit approaches.

Spenser...it has been some time since you have come to see me twice in one week.



I know...I just...I don't know.



I know things are hard for you. But if you quit now, you quit on everything.



I'm just tired of not being good enough. What makes it worse is when you fall just short of your goal. You try, you try and in the end you get nothing. I can only take so much without it breaking me down.



Spenser, that is life.



Life isn't supposed to be like this.



What is life supposed to be like then?



Not like this.



Then how?



I don't know alright! You shouldn't feel like shit when you know you tried. You should feel a since of "I did my best." But I never do. I just end up hating myself and wanting to destroy the man in the mirror.



Is he you or is he a picture of you?



What do you mean?



Is he you, or is he a split second of your life? You see, the man in the mirror will fade over time. You won't unless you allow it.



Then I am fading.



Why do you say that?



Because I don't know who I am anymore.



Spenser...please sit back down. Let's talk.



I'm done talking.



What will you do? Disappear again?



I'd hate to disappoint.



Spenser...Spenser!



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COMMENTS

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Lovise
22:13 Dec 20 2009

Inside the strongest fortress lies the scariest warrior of all.

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Doc, it's me again.



Hello Spenser...I must say I am surprised to see you.



I know, I swore I'd never come back here...but here I am.



Well, have a seat. (Pause) What can I do for you?



You ever feel alone doc? You ever feel...unhappy? Like no matter how hard you try you fail?



I have from time to time felt like that...what are you getting at?



I feel numb. I am unhappy with what I'm doing and where I'm going in life. I just...feel lost you know?



I understand. Let me ask you this, is it because of her?



No...but I think maybe it played a part in all this. Got the ball rolling.



Ah, I see. Well, I don't know what to tell you. You only live one.



I know...I just don't know what to do. My dreams...I don't even know what they are anymore. I don't know what I want.



Is it because you have done everything for other people? Maybe, deep down you don't know how to think for yourself when it comes to the big things. Understand what I mean?



I have thought about that. (Pause) Doc, what do I do?



You have to make up your own damn mind. Follow your heart. You are young still, so do it while you can. Make your way in life and make your dreams come true.



Doc...what if I can't?



Then son, you might as well be dead.

COMMENTS

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Lovise
09:21 Dec 17 2009

You are not only one who have felt this way...I will send you a message why...

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