The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

There are so many "love stories" going around these days that it is hard for a girl to grow up with a healthy perspective of what love actually is.



We grow up believing in romance. Not love.

And love isn't what you think it is.



Love is actually simply caring about another so much that you willingly put their needs before your own. The romantic side, is a side effect of love, but not the actual thing.



The feeling we feel is affection. That is, essentially, the soil in which love grows. But it's not love.

The best description I've ever heard of love was given to me by my maternal grandmother. She used to say that love is when you are too tired to go to the kitchen for a glass of water, even though you are parched, and you flop into the nearest chair. But then your husband/wife/significant other (She used to say husband, I'm adlibing.) walks in the door after a busy day at work, flops down into a chair and asks you for a glass of water, so you go and get it.



Now, that wife was too tired to get her own damn glass of water. She could have complained about that, after all, spending all day cleaning after the children is exhausting. Been there, done that, doing it again soon. She would have had every right to tell her husband that she also, was too tired. But she loves him. So she didn't.



I think it's about time we start teaching our children how to see the real love. What real love is. How to love in a realistic way. But I think, to do that, we must first learn it ourselves.



I don't think enough people know the difference.



It's beautiful when people find the fairytale romance (cough, Lilly and Dakota, cough, cough),

it's heartwarming, and it breeds hope. But not all love is like that. That love is a shout from the rooftops. But some love is simply whispered in quiet corners.



I also think that some young men feel inadequate because they are human beings who's love whispers quietly in the corner. They aren't capable of shouting from the rooftop. It's not who they are until they love the right woman quietly. But if we are too focused on the men who's love shouts, who will nurture the men who's love whispers? Who will love them?

I'll tell you what, it won't be the women who look for the men who shout. Because they won't hear the whisper.



I'm a lucky woman. I have a whisperer. I have a whisperer who doesn't realize he wants to be a shouter. He's just looking for his voice. The shouting woman. Isn't he lucky I'm a shouter?

I'm not just a shouter though, I'm good at LISTENING. So I can hear that quiet little voice he uses to care for me in his own little ways. I see that, for the most part, he puts me before himself. With everything except one thing, and that's ok, I have my vices too. I am a nightmare of a woman to love. But he tries to. Has for going on seven months now. I'm lucky enough to get to shout for the both of us, and share his whisper when we are alone.



Who knows, maybe one day he'll shout with me. Maybe I'll have shown him how to shout for another when his time comes. For now I shall enjoy the whispering. It's there. That's all that matters.



Learn to listen for the whisper. Not all people's love is a shout.

First you were someone who made days worth living during times of trouble and doubt. Who filled them with smiles and laughter.



And I desired you.



Then you became someone with whom I stood on common ground. Friend and confidante, with gentle care you reassured me that I was a woman worth loving.



And I adored you. And ached for you to love me.



Then came the time within which I discovered who you truly are. That things with you are not always as simple as black or white.



And I faltered. So I watched your actions.



Then I saw you were someone who cared for me. Was always there for me when I needed you. Who made my days brighter and nights more peaceful. Someone I could make smile and laugh. Someone who brought me immense joy.



And I fell in love with you.



Then you became someone who saw immense joy in increasing my own. Someone I could play with like children. Someone who freed my soul and calmed my mind. My lover, my comfort, my muse.



And your love no longer mattered as much. I learned that your presence, your affection, your company were far more valuable to me.



And I've known since that I could never love another the way I love you. That I had been waiting a lifetime to find something I'd found by happenstance. That what we have would never be what they have. But that doesn't matter. We both know that, at the end of the day, when it comes to face great trials and tribulations, our relationship is the far stronger of the two. Because we have already seen each other through a great deal, and here we stand. That it doesn't matter whether you love me like Romeo loved Juliet. Because you do something far more valuable than that. You fight for me. Every day. At every opportunity, you stand with me and face these things and fight.

Your nature might never change. But there are facets of it I would give my life to keep, so I'm ok with that. As you've said, I will have you by my side in everything. No matter what.



And now I want nothing more than to love you for who you are, whatever we face. I have your hand, you have my heart. I don't need Romeo. I have you.

http://i346.photobucket.com/albums/p425/LuvlySwan86/Anthony._zpsbm3pntpj.jpg

You made me a promise today. I'd like to make a few of my own. You keep yours, I'll keep mine. XX.



I promise I will always love you for who you are.

ALL OF YOU.



I promise I will never abandon you or punish you for anything we can overcome with an honest conversation.



I promise to do the best I can to make what we have thrive. You will always be able to count on that.



I promise you will never be alone in difficult times. I will always support and defend you, just like you do me.



I promise I will never lie to you. If it came from me, it was the truth and you can take that to the bank.



I promise to always thoroughly fuck your mind. And, if you'll let me one day, your body too. ;)



I promise to never call another man Daddy. EVER. You are my Daddy. Always will be. Always were. That will never, ever, ever change.



I promise to love you forever. "And a day." ;)



I promise to never leave you over the truth. Give me the truth, and we will always get past it somehow, you have my word.



I promise never to fight with you via my journal, ever, ever again.



I promise to go to bed now, because I'm very, very tired. It's 8.21am here, I've been up with you all night.



I love you.

I didn't tear apart your relationship you idiotic cunt, YOU TORE APART MINE. So you can sit there on your glamorous high horse and continue to call names, but do yourself a favor and face the mirror first you fucking pathetic excuse for a human being.



I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG, WHEN YOU CAME ALONG, AND GUESS WHAT? I'LL BE HERE LONG AFTER YOU'RE GONE, BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, I LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE ACTUALLY IS, NOT WHO I WANT HIM TO BE.



Want to know the real kicker? I KNEW WHEN HE STARTED SEEING YOU. BECAUSE I WAS HIS PARTNER. YOU tore apart MY relationship.



HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A SLUT?! YOU GOT BACK EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD DONE TO ME!



Don't you dare tell me you never once saw the little love notes I used to leave for him in his honor points, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DID. I KNEW WHEN YOU HAD THAT FIRST FIGHT! Who do you think comforted him until you calmed down? ME.



I got in trouble for that because I knew that his other partner at the time didn't know I existed. I was the only one of us who did. Why do you think that might be? Oh, right, because he loves me, and he knows I love him back. You think a pissy little whiner like you can shake a foundation like ours? Oh, please. You're a fucking holiday. Sprinkles on chocolate cake. The coating on the choc top. YOU'R JUST AN ADDED BONUS. A TOPPING. THE MAIN MEAL IS, AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ME.

So shove that down your self righteous throat and swallow it you fucking munter. YOU'RE the slut. I am where I have always belonged.

But hey, thanks for keeping my seat warm bitch.



Fyi, putting up my apology and calling me a cunt, deliberately going out of your way to try to hurt me, probably a big part of why he chose to protect me. Because he's like that, I'm precious to him and you don't hurt me. He gets defensive and he loves me. He just also loves women in general. But I'm the coup de gras. You don't fuck with Princess.

It has been several months since I blocked you, you creepy motherfucker. Stop stalking my profile goddamnit!



It is deeply disturbing that you are still harboring this obsession after months without communicating. You need help. Get some.



And please, leave me the fuck alone.



I wouldn't worry about my Daddy's temper if I were you, mine is far worse than his, he's a teddy bear.



I'm not.

So, the father of my children, technically my husband, has been keeping my children from having alone time with me for around two years. I applied for mediation to take him to court last month because I was sick and tired of trying to work things out amicably. I scared him. He's agreed to give me shared custody so we don't have to go to hearing on the matter.



I have a lot I'm not happy about today, but who fucking cares, I'm Getting them back!!!

Your love for me, our passion for and obsession with each other, my craving for your voice and to actually feel your touch. These are hungers that have grown so deep and vast over the past six months or so, that I will always have them.



You are my lover, confidante, protector, guardian, and friend. You are my safe place. You are pain and comfort, guide and teacher. You are joy and sorrow.



You are a source of great, and deep passion for me.



You are, above all else, the one thing I have always wanted in a soulmate.

You are someone who never abandons me when I need you. Given less distance between us, and a different life, I would want to be your wife and bear your children. But I had to go ahead and do that with an idiot when I was far too young to understand fully, what it was I was doing.



I guess I'm just trying to say I love you, and I hope I spend the rest of my life with you in it.

You and I are insane. We are literally Joker and Harley, but in real life. Except the fact that you don't try to kill me. And I've never bitten off your lip.

You prefer emotional torture. And being the only person who can make it all better when you do it. And I'd forgive you the torture and eradication of a species, if you did it. That's one hell of a statement coming from a woman who's considering veganism due to how poorly the animals we eat are treated.



You said it.



You've always insisted that you wouldn't do so because it was hard for you to say it to anyone. I felt, for a time, that you wouldn't say it to me because you wouldn't use the words unless you meant them. But. Even though we've had one hell of a whirlwind go on whenever we were committed to each other, I've always felt you loved me. You have always insinuated it was the case. We call each other the other's "special person". And even though sometimes we hate each other's behavior, we can't help but forgive each other later.



We aren't even getting back together. But it doesn't matter. Being in a relationship causes us to fight and we end up unhappy. I'm super jealous. Even though I know the only one of us you're truly mad for is me.



But last night you said it. "I love you too."



Some days I hate your stupid face. But today, you cannot imagine how much I love you.



We're fools. And this is craziness. Always has been. But I'd rather be mad as the hatter with you than sane and boring with anyone else.



I love you so much. You love me too.

I have not slept a wink.

I'm so fucking tired, but I don't want to be up at weird fucking hours, so I can't sleep yet. I feel drunk, but I'm also really wired from 24 hours worth of coffee.



Must. Stay awake. Until after dinner.



I also feel sick. I hate it when this happens.

I can't take anymore pain medication tonight, or I'll die, so too bad for me if my shoulder starts to hurt.

I needed it for...another problem I have thanks to the vagina I was born with. I'm fine though.



But I've actually had a pretty good day, all things considered.

You are looking at the journal of the newest student of five star colleges, Australia! :D

I'll be studying certificate three in hospitality thankyou very much. :)



Feeling very proud of myself this morning. I adulted.

:D Successfully too.

Simpleman, Sippa, Arty, and everyone else who talks to me when I feel like shit. You guys have no idea what a difference you make. Thank you. :)



I'm so sad today. I realize there's no point in begging to be put through the same pain over and over and over again. But you don't take part in all of the stuff in the middle. I did. It was worth it, most of the time in my eyes. But I'm not the only opinion who matters here, and mine isn't shared.

So that's Jenga.



I'm just a pain in the ass, and I'm not worth the trouble. Please don't say I am, if I was things wouldn't be like this.



I wish I could make any of you understand how he feels to me. You know how people say that stupid phrase "Go to your happy place?"

When I center myself, when I "go to my happy place" guess where I go?



I go to a white room with a big, sky blue fluffy as all hell carpet, a big screen tv with an x-box attached to it, a big comfy armchair, and a nice purple mink blanket, and I sit in Daddy's lap, wearing my jammies, in the chair and I watch him play the x-box. He's part of my happy place.



I don't even suck my own thumb. I suck his.



Is that embarrassing for me to admit? No. I am not ashamed of who I am, fuck you and your judgement.



I'll live. But I'm hurting. It's ok. I've been hurt a whole lot since I was a small child. Pain is something I'm very familiar with. I'll get there. It's just taking time.

I've been trying to articulate how I feel about everything lately, and I'm not doing a great job when I try to be elegant about it. Then again, as Einstein would say "If you want to speak the truth, leave elegance to the tailor."



So, in his memory, fuck the elegance.



I'm not sleeping at night and I'm sick of it. I'm fucking tired. Stupid goddamn stress.

I haven't heard from Mr.Colorado in almost a month. I'd cope better with that if he hadn't have told me our friendship was still intact. That hurts!



I'm sick of worrying about someone who doesn't care about me as far as he could piss me. "Is Daddy sleeping well?" "Is he eating right?" "Is he damaging another poor soul with his bullshit?" "Staying out of hospital?"

"Why do I miss him so much?" "Why don't I hate him?" "How is the dog?" "Why am I still calling him Daddy?" "Has he been sick? Who's giving him get better kisses and snuggles?"



Why does my friend Paddy have to be such an asshole? Is it too much to ask to be cared about a little by someone you were having sex with? Why? Why's it so hard to hold someone after, even though it doesn't mean you love them? I don't love him either, but it'd be nice to snuggle the person I just fucked for god's sake. And why aren't we talking now we don't? Why does he always have to seem like he has a flaming baton up his ass every time I try to talk to him?



Why was I stupid enough to marry such a cunt?

He's an abusive, childish, deadset cunt. What the fuck was wrong with me for ten whole fucking years? I don't even know.



I am so fucking upset and frustrated I just want to scream, and now I can't even sleep, and I have job network tomorrow, fuck my life.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling so alone. I'm tired of this palpable loneliness.

It makes me feel physically ill.

I need all the hugs. I want gentle time, rough time and time where I feel like I might rip in two.



I don't want to feel like this anymore.



I'm not sleeping, I don't eat well, I can't focus.

I need some semblance of human affection. And I need it now.



Fuck my life.

I'm going to skip my childhood for the moment, but let's just say you don't want to know anyway. Cinderella had it fucking easy.



Let's start with dating. Hmmmm. I'm horrible at making good decisions when it comes to men.

I've never had a partner who didn't cheat. Ever.

All but four of mine have abused me mentally, physically, emotionally, or sexually at some point during the relationship. And I'm always dumb enough to allow them more than one chance. It is the reason I broke my tailbone at eighteen. (A sexual assault) My nose, and hairline fracture in my left eyesocket (My ex husband, I was nineteen) And why a vast amount of my joints crack in weird ways. I have a hip that occasionally dislocates. But you've heard/read enough of that.



But the ones who mentally and emotionally abuse you, without laying their hands on you, they tend to hurt the most. Because he can be standing over you, tearing your heart from your chest, and you will arch your back and softly whisper in his face "More...."

It is much harder to believe the apology of a man who took to you with his fists, and the tiles on the bathroom wall. But that pain fades much faster.



When your entire life has been a series of traumatic events you've had thirteen years of therapy for, mental and emotional abuse feel like a walk in the park. At first.



Then you can allow yourself "Yes, but at least he doesn't......"



I'm not even in it at the moment, and just the thought smarts. Because no, he doesn't hit you.

No, he doesn't make a fool of you with your friends. BUT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU EITHER.

He doesn't want what's best for you. He's a liar.



But there are moments. There are moments that FEEL LIKE IT. And you end up giving yourself a severe case of cognitive disonance, because more than anything else, YOU WANT HIM TO.



So you let him take the proverbial heart. Because more than anything else you just want that feeling back. You don't want to see him as someone who victimized you, he's a comfort.

He feels like a safe haven, because he's gone out of his way to make sure he does. And when safe is something that it's rare for you to feel, all you want to do in life is keep the safe people.



And it rips you open in ways the fist never could.

"Some things are true whether we believe them or not."-Seth Aka Nicholas Cage.

My shoulder is really fucking sore, and I'm tired and cranky, and it's only quarter past seven.

It's day eleven.

I have job network tomorrow. Which means job searching for two hours, yay.



I am super fed up with adulting.

I am super fed up with having to people.

I want to throw things and break shit.



If anybody needs me I'll be in my bitch cave trying not to go off like a neauc.



Today can fuck itself in the ass. No, not in the ass, cause anal is awesome. It can just go fuck itself. In the face. With a claw hammer.

Well look at that. You publicize that you're a little and suddenly, half the site's male population are Daddys.



Listen to me gentlemen,

Just because I habitually let him have at it whenever he feels like it, doesn't mean you can.

He actually was my Daddy. You are not.



Just because I no longer have one, doesn't mean I need one. I am not in need of rescue. I am not the kind of woman you can just use to get your jollys because you say hi and express that we have the same kink.



You do not have the right to start trying to instigate play.



Yes, I'm in a vulnerable state right now. Today particularly I am very hurt and upset. But that does not give you the right to play on that.



Now, I have had too much of my pain medication and my head is fucking spinning, I'm in the kind of anguish that would usually have me a teary fucking mess, and I can't get that out, and I haven't had sex since december. So I'd suggest you either take the time to get to know me, and whether you actually do want something from me or not, or fuck off and don't bother at all. Because I don't need this shit,

And I AM NOT A FUCKING TOY.

It is not that hard to hold a woman when she needs it. Most of us will lie when we are hurting, because we don't want you to see it.



Those of you who are protective of us will want to hurt the man who's hurting us. Even if they don't deserve it. It is instinctive. Even if we aren't your female anymore. That's nature dude. You feel that because you're a male who is protective of his females.



If we ever were, we will view you as a means of feeling safe and secure, and five minutes in your arms with our eyes closed can sometimes be all we need to face the horrors we run to you to hide from.



Even if all we're perceiving as horror is our own loneliness. We threw caution to the wind to face you.



We don't have to love you for you to make us feel safe. You don't have to love us to give us that.



But don't turn us away if we're too proud to spell it out for you. We don't tend to come back.



After all, if it was us who hurt you, we feel regret, or we wouldn't have the gall to face you.

If it was you who hurt us, it has already taken a monumental amount of swallowed pride to be there in the first place. And we obviously really need it. And we're hurt enough. Don't hurt us more.